Sun is already rising above the buildings when Hongbin goes out. It's late april, and cherryblossoms are blooming all along the way to work, petals falling around him as he walks slowly, savouring the feeling of sunlight on his skin. If life had a soundtrack, it would surely be a gentle folk song to accompagny him as he paces through the neighborhood. On days like this, Hongbin thinks of Sanghyuk. He tries to recall ; what was he doing at the exact same day, one year ealier?

 

Surely, they would have been together, sitting on the grass. Even maybe the exact same grass they have been sitting on as they met, on a sunny spring day, the year before. They may even have counted the days before their first year together, complaining about each other's cheesiness whereas, really, they were the same. At that time, he remembers, life was taking it easy on him. They talked a lot about useless things, back then, and sometimes about more serious stuff, planning crazy things together. Hongbin liked to think about "forever", because they were young and carefree, because first loves always does taste like forever.

 

A honk makes him startle, as he is walking down the boulevard. It's Jaehwan, slowing down his car to his pace, telling him to get in. Hongbin complies. He hops in, and it smells like candy and moisturizer, because Jaehwan uses his sister's car and hasn't yet got rid of the scent. Hongbin doesn't mind, though, because it takes him to another time, that smells like gum candies and hand moisturizer too, and he feels his lips stretch into a smile without even wanting it to. On the radio, there's that folk song Hongbin has been wanting for a soundtrack during his walk through the cherry trees alley ; he lets his head rest on his hand, looking outside. 

 

It seems to him that everything is happy out there, moving along in a steady rythm, twirling around in happiness, thriving together in a beautiful way, as he steps aside, lingering in his own dullness, on the edge of getting better, but not quite yet. The moments of happiness have slowly taken over the sadness, but Hongbin doesn't know if he likes it better. Memories of another time fade away as he finds himself laughing at one of Jaehwan's jokes, mind drifting elsewhere. Maybe moving on aches his heart, but it doesn't do any wrong, looking at Jaehwan who is smiling fondly ; he tries hard not to compare it to Sanghyuk's smile, that is ghosting upon his eyelids, coming everytime he closes his eyes.

 

"You alright?", Jaehwan asks, after a little while, eyes fixed on the road.

 

Hongbin nods. It's not a lie, but not quite the truth either, but at least it makes Jaehwan smile. And eventually, Hongbin knows it will be alright, he will be alright, someday. 

 

They arrive just in time. Before entering the building, he casts a last glance to the trees standing on the side of the road, full of flowers. His throat tightens.

 

Maybe it's an illusion, but his eyes start to sting ; he diverts his gaze to Jaehwan's retrieving back.

 

Working free Hongbin's mind. He hears the faint sounds of people chatting, the noises of the coffee machine not far away, Jaehwan typing on his computer right next to him. He isn't yet fed up of working in an open space ; he likes to hear and witness things motioning around him, filling the blank space Sanghyuk had left empty behind him. In his drawer, though, he has kept Sanghyuk's lucky pencil that he gave him on his first day of work. 

 

"Don't forget to think about me!", he had said, taping a little paper with 'Sanghyuk' on it. "I'll stay with you."

 

It pleased him to name the pencil like him, because as he said "'Sanghyuk' is Hongbin's", and it made him giggle like a child. Hongbin loved that laugh above all.

 

He plunges his hand to the back of the last drawer, tossing blindly aside all the other stuff Sanghyuk gave him that he didn't have yet the courage to throw away, to take the pencil between his fingers. The wood is smooth against his skin, and the taped paper is still here. 'Sanghyuk' it says. Hongbin can't repress a smile, turning the object to look at it from all the angles. The voice of the younger invades his mind.

 

"This pencil is yours. Get it? 'Sanghyuk' is yours! 'Sanghyuk' is Hongbin's."

 

He had laughed it off. "You're dumb."

 

"You are, too. I love you anyway." Sanghyuk had pecked him right after. "Go safely to work tomorrow. I have to go home early. I will cook you dinner when you'll come back from work, my hubbie~"

 

Hongbin had gave him his spare keys, kissing him once more.

 

Maybe if he had insisted a little longer, for another kiss, he will be coming home tonight to Sanghyuk in his apron ; maybe, if the younger had missed his bus, he would have took the next one, and sent a cute whining emoticon to Hongbin instead of not replying to his text. Hongbin doesn't know, and he will never know.

 

Nonetheless, Hongbin never forgets to think about Sanghyuk.

 

He plays with the pencil a little more, watching it roll on the desk, remembering once more the younger's laugh. His troubled mind surely makes him imagine the faint scent of peach shampoo Sanghyuk used to display wherever he walked, but he still feels overwhelmed. His heart starts to ache, and he pushes aside the pencil, to stop thinking about him. 

 

He tries not to open the drawer again to grab Sanghyuk's textbook.

 

They eat lunch outside, Jaehwan and him, ordering sushis to celebrate spring. Hongbin has no longer the reflex to take a picture to send it to Sanghyuk, but it still tickles him. He puts away those thoughts to focus on Jaehwan who is excitedly speaking. Jaehwan has been his anchor since his first day of work, and the only one he told Sanghyuk about. He sees, rather than he knows, that he is trying to cheer him up, however right now, there is a void nothing can fill, if not time or Sanghyuk himself. Hongbin perfectly knows Sanghyuk will never come to fill it again though, so he just it up until time would eventually heal his wounds. Maybe it never will, but Hongbin prefers not to think about it.

 

Jaehwan helps soothe that feeling, with his bright smiles and stupid jokes ; Hongbin knows that maybe, in another, or in another world, he would like to date him, because he makes him feel at ease, and loved. However in that time and that space, Hongbin doesn't know if he is strong enough to close that gap between them, leaving Sanghyuk and his lovely memories behind. Time has stopped for the younger, trapped into an age he will never outcome, whereas Hongbin is forced to go farther, to walk through life even though he doesn't want to. 

 

It's been a while, and Hongbin thinks about it less and less ; but on days like this, when everything around is sweet and reminds him of Sanghyuk's embrace, he let himself throw a glance above his shoulder, to watch the younger smiling at him again, laughing with him again, breathing against him again, stuck in the year of his seventeen, forever.

 

It's six pm when he gets out of work, and the weather is still mild ; he decides to take a walk to his house, to empty his mind once and for all. In his bag, there's Sanghyuk peach notebook. Maybe tonight, he will read it one last time before putting it into a box he will never open again. He waves Jaehwan goodbye, reading the worry on the other's face.

 

"I'll be fine!", he assures him, and it's not completely true, but it's not quite a lie either.

 

He walks slowly, looking at all those places he remembers going with Sanghyuk. The convenience store they kissed for the first time in, between the gummy candies and cakes shelves, not the most romantic place ; he would never change it in anyway, though. The bench they sit on in the middle of the night to sober up on Hongbin's celebration night after exams. The tree they fight under, arguing about the best kind of ramen. Hongbin's porch, where they kissed so many times. 

 

Hongbin sits on the floor, enjoying the setting sunlight on his skin, and the mild wind refreshing him. He closes his eyes. On days like this, he thinks about Sanghyuk, and even if it hurts, it throws him back to happy times anyway. He retrieves the peach notebook lying at the back of his bag. Maybe he will regret reading it. Maybe his eyes will tear up again and his heart will ache even more. But for any memory left of Sanghyuk, of his bright self, of their love, he would do anything, as painful as it could be.

 

HyukBin, is written on the first page.

 

The following text, in Sanghyuk's girly handwriting, is engraved in Hongbin's head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following pages are filled with drawings and ugly pictures of them, and lots of Sanghyuk's silly notes. Hongbin knows them by heart, for he have laid eyes on it so many times. He clasps the notebook shut after the last "I RUB YOU" written with glitter on the last page, burying his face in his crossed arms. He wants to cry his heart out, so that it would pass, so that it wouldn't hurt so much, but his eyes are still desperately dry. 

 

He doesn't know how many seconds, minutes or hours he spends like this, wind ruffling his hair, weather too nice to be sad. It's even worse, because if it was any other rainy day, he could comply in his sadness, rolling and tossing in his bed without a purpose. But days get brighter and brighter, and time doesn't have room to stop and let him sink into melancholy. 

 

He prepares himself a hot cup of tea, stripping himself down to boxers and shirt. The hot water warms up his insides, and he stares out of the window wordlessly, notebook lying on the corner of the table. Everything in his house reminds him of Sanghyuk, yet he doesn't have the heart to change anything ; because on days like this, he needs it to be reminded of the younger's laugh that once filled these exact same rooms he's pacing in everyday. 

 

Eventually he finishes his tea, and put the notebook in a creamy peach box, along with Sanghyuk's spare clothes he hasn't the courage to keep in his closet.

 

He isn't hungry. He plops in bed, wrapping himself up in his blankets. Maybe it's his mind tricking him again, but he swears he can still smell Sanghyuk's particular perfume of shampoo, peach gummy candy and hand moisturizer. He grabs his phone. In his contacts list, the number is still saved, the conversation still untouched. 

 

'Are u home yet my wifey? Ur notebook is daebak, haha I rub you too ~~'

 

The last text he sent. He can still see the hour. He can still see that it's probably the last thing Sanghyuk saw. The little 'read' under the blue caption mocks him. 

 

He wants to call him. To hear his voice once again. To tell him to wait, to give him another kiss. To pick up his call as he nags him because he missed his bus. To hear him say "I'm lucky I'm alive, Hongbinnie." 

 

He checks the date. It's been a year. 

 

 

He deletes the number. Erase the conversation.

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow, he will tidy up his flat and his desk. He will throw everything into boxes, and hide them.

 

 

 

 

 

He decides to keep only the lucky pencil to remind him of Sanghyuk on days like this. So that he won't forget to think of him. So that he will always be with him. 

 

Because Sanghyuk is Hongbin's.

 

 

 

---

You can throw me anything you want.

I rub you all.

This was so short, I cry hahaha.

Anyway, I'm a bit overwhelmed after writing this. Did it remind you of your best breakups? Or your best bittersweet/melancholic/sad but not so sad days? For me, it did.

I. I'm gonna go write some fluffy stuff to soothe my heart.