It was quiet in my room when I had awakened from my bad nightmare. It was 3am, yes it was. Turning my head slightly at the right corner and sighted those frames with mysterious painting from a great painter. I closed my eyes for a while, trying to forget what I had dreamt. It was blurry yet scary. And it is something I wanted to know that bothers me a lot. Maybe I’ve been dreaming such weird dreams since I’m alone in this apartment, but why would I? I get used being alone when I started to work independently, but why do these things bothers me so much?

Why am I afraid of something I don’t even know?

And why do I feel like I wanted to know that vivid dream that seems like it’s impossible to know?

Getting up slowly as I let out a deep sigh, caresses my own long brown hair as I put it behind my ears. Scrunching my nose while stretching out my arms, headed my way towards the kitchen after for I felt the loud growl from the depths of my stomach.  Pouring some hot water in the cup ramen I only had and mixed it with the seasonings. It had always been like this since I moved from my home to this apartment. I live here for a week already and as usual alone. The only thing that I would love to do to kill some time was to play my playlist with sad melodic songs and put the earphones on. I prefer it that way because it felt so relaxing.

Scrolling down on screen as I look for a good song that perfectly fits in my mood today. Standing at the veranda, witnessing the cities view with music on is such a stress reliever for me. The cold breeze touches on my warm temperature body, the quiet surroundings with only few cars’ horns could be heard, but not that loud. I closed my eyes then opened it again as to look at the million starts at dark sky. What would it feels like to become a star? Living your life with your own bright so lively that I wonder if I ever did that too, even though I know my life is not that fascinating nor beautiful to imagine.

I don’t know why but I just felt it is. 

“Oh, stars so bright I wonder what’s behind on it.” I mumbled, leaning my forearm on.

“What would it feels like to live life to the fullest?” then I added.

I had never imagined I would ask those questions. It was so lame. I’m not even sure I wanted that kind of life or just wanted to be like this forever. I always wanted to be alone, reminiscing stuff alone. I prefer to be alone and I guess there’s no problem with it. But then we have to communicate with people around you, and that’s the only reason why I responded. Or just give some replies with my head nodded.

I sigh. Letting out my hot breath through the air as I see it smokes. Quiet cold like what my current feeling is. Embracing myself gently as the cold touches mines, took a few and slow steps ready to go way back to my apartment when suddenly I glimpse at a young woman who lived next door.

A brunette whom I’d always see at this kind of hour. A young woman with her perfect features, her small face perfectly fits her stunningly-cat-like eyes and with her pinkish cheeks and red lips. A young woman with her beautiful long browned hair flips itself blew by the wind. A young woman whom I’m curious about, about her being lonely in the look in her eyes while writing those words I wouldn’t know. About her for being mysterious, looking at the sky as she was reminiscing some hurtful events happened then a sorrowful expression slowly form on her innocent facial after.

A beautiful creature who would always give glances at the sparkling diamonds above then bowed her head after to write something on her little notebook.  I’ve been always curious about that and I’m here standing don’t even know why.

“Hey!” my voice echoed breaking the silence, not even thinking of how loud it was.

I pause for a moment for her to turn her head on me, and I ended up disappointed for I haven’t gotten her attention. How stupid I am for not noticing she’s taking her headphones on. I felt embarrassed by it.

For a moment I forget about myself, myself for wanting to be alone and not to talk to someone who’s totally a stranger. Forget about being a completely introvert, and the fact that I would only talk to if it was for necessity.

I don’t really know why but there must be something about her.

I wanted to know if she’s the same too, completely like me imprisoned myself with darkness.

I wanted to know that if it is.

And I wanted to know all her worries even though I’m not allowed to, I just feel like hanging out with her. The woman who’d let me speak up due to my curiosity.

~~~

I went to a department store to buy something needed the next day. After those exhausting work hours with loads of paper works piled on my desk beside my computer unit with a bunch of pens putting in together at the left side, I could now take some rest and go home and try to relax myself a bit. A milk creamy coffee from my favorite coffee shop, a sip on it could make me awake and to do pursue what I’m currently doing. I waited at the bus stop after ditching from department store and took what I needed. Sitting alone is such a nice spot for me, while looking at those busy people walking in rush while the others were talking through their phones.

I waited for another 10 minutes before the bus arrived, I slowly get up as I was hovering the plastic bag with goods I’ve been craving for. The bus driver smiled at me and I also replied with one to not being rude towards him. There were a few people who were in the bus and I went to my favorite spot which was at the back. I sit on the right side, for the other side occupied with a woman who were listening to music as she look out at the bus window. I did check time on the watch that was on my wrist, sigh for I had been too tired from work.

My thoughts were interrupted when the woman on the other side drop her bottled water on the bus ground. Her gaze quickly changed as she picked it up and my attention got on her for a moment. She did pause and stare at me like she’s in a traumatic shock. I glimpse at the window and did back glance at her. Her captivating brown eyes made me realize I was stunned by her beauty. And her orbs were still in focused while her sight was still on me, I wonder why.

She was the woman who lived next door.

And she’s beautiful, indeed.

“Hi.” I greeted her with my rare smile as I waved my hand hoping she would respond.

But still her gaze seems so uncomfortable looking at me like that. Her innocent facial formed some anxious feeling on her, and I don’t have an idea on why. Her actions were like, she’s hiding something, something she’s scared of and something I wouldn’t know. I’ve been questioning those in my mind while waiting for her to reply. Hope she would.

“I live next door. I lived in the same building as yours.” I added.

The brunette opened the bottled as she slowly drink on it. Put it on beside her as she gave some glances on me again. All I did was to smile at her as to make sure she won’t get scared on the cold look on my eyes. Sometimes people misunderstand my gazes that lead them to think I was a cold-hearted one and I won’t let her thought of that too. I really wanted to talk to her and maybe knowing her name would be the first thing to do to start a conversation. And that won’t be awkward then.

“I’m Jiyeon, what’s your name?” I did ask with my smooth yet husky voice.

The woman stared blankly at me. Then a small smile form on her lips made her look prettier with that trademark. Right after seeing it, I want her to smile like that often.

“Hyomin. My name is Hyomin, nice to meet you…Jiyeon.” She uttered her answer with not that loud voice, and it’s so sweet to hear.

“What a nice name you got there, Hyomin.” I then giggled, thankful she did respond.

“Thanks.”

Silence happened right after and it made me regret for I’m the type of person who doesn’t know how to open up an interesting topic.  I wanted to talk to her until we arrive to the building where we lived. I was in silent while thinking of things on what to ask or to say towards her and I’m going to make sure she would answer and it might lead to a long conversation comfortably. I kept on trying but everything is such a failure. Asked her some basic questions like where did she come from and where she’s working at. I got specific answers and she won’t even ask me back.

Such a poor loner I am.

We went our way to the 23rd floor using the lift the building has. She was just so quiet yet so pure watching her stunningly pretty even though she won’t utter any single word from and hear her voice again. I kept on watching her while she presses the 23 button and let her be, holding her girly-peach shoulder bag that clings on her. I could only glimpse at her for I got out of words to tell from my lone heart and mind, and I was desperately hoping she would just say anything that would brighten up the current mood we have right now.

Of course it felt awkward, who would’ve been get comfortable easily on the stranger you have no idea of their identity?

And speaking of that, why am I so much comfortable with her that I even don’t want our little conversation get over?

Uh. I’ve seen her a lot of times at the terrace and she was very lonely. Maybe it could count as a reason for being so curious about her.

~~~

“Jiyeon, I’m sorry I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“Maybe things aren’t just meant to be.”

“What?”

I woke up from that the same nightmare again. Sweating really a lot for I had been dreaming those persistently and I still can’t figure it out. I tried to get up from my cozy brownish bed but I furrowed my brows for I felt some form of heavy headache on the half part of my head again. I growled but not that loud. Just enough to express how heavy this pain I was in right now. Never ever thought this migraine would attack me together with those nightmares I encountered every night.

I did look for the medicine my parents gave me. This would last long, they said. I had to endure all throughout the time for three to four days or four hours for lessen. I took one capsule and tried to relax myself but I just can’t forget the heavy pain. After closing my eyes for a while, I get up again and took the papers on the bedside table that was with me all the time. Glad the pain lessened but still I can’t sleep back so I decided to just read these promotion papers which I’m going to sign for the process.

This is such a great news, knowing our company sent me some promotional papers for I did a great job from work. It’s kinda flattering.

I walk through and went to my apartment’s terrace, craving for the cold yet fresh wind from the outside. I did glimpse at the thousand starts while I smile a bit before bowing my head to read the papers. A small sigh let out from my mouth and as I flip the other unfastened page, it got blew by the wind. I quickly pull my other arm to reach it but I failed. I let out a big sigh as it landed on the next door’s terrace safely.

I nearly got a heart attack by that.

“Damn it!” I bit my lip before digging my fingers on my hair. How many times do I have to make such failures in a day?

Right now all I need to do is to get it back. It was such an important for my career that I need those desperately. I need to sign it and pass those the day after tomorrow. And I need to get it from the next door’s veranda, which the owner named Hyomin. I might see her again if ever she happens to show up, and I might hear her voice again and see those smiles from her. That would be great then.

But I need to get that paper as soon as possible. It might get blew again by the wind and I don’t even know what will happen after. Our company is kinda strict when it comes to this, once they had already sent some emails or any other types of letter for business, you can’t get another copy again. I won’t let that happen. Having such a great opportunity, I don’t want to ruin it. Like, I really wanted to get that position which I aimed a long time ago.

“What to do?”

After a moment of thinking necessity actions, I now got an idea. I need to get on that terrace quickly and silently, and by that I won’t be bothering her for she’s possibly sleeping at this kind of hour. Just need to do it quickly and the problem will be solved after. And it wouldn’t cause any harm, maybe.

I did climbed at the small bridge connected to the other’s terrace, took some slow steps with my trembling body for I had realize the height of the building. I gasp, directly closed my eyes for a bit and not to bother looking down again. Half of me regretting for doing this life threatening action and half of me wants to pursue for I need the papers. How stupid I am for doing this right now knowing I have some acrophobia in me?

Majority says, face your fears, so I did. Two more steps and I can now go to the place where I wanted to be on. A big smile form on my facial before letting out a relief sigh, for I have now the chance to save the promotional paper. Not after a minute when I quickly took the paper before the breeze take it away from me. I tip toed, making sure no one will recognize my doing right now. But I pause when I hear some sobbing sound came from the room close to me right now.

It was Hyomin, covering her face with her both palms as she cried silently there.

I couldn’t take off my eyes on her, that I feel like comforting her while she shed those sorrowful tears she had right now. Something aching inside me, and I know it was the core part of my heart. I don’t have an idea on why but I do really feel the sympathy looking at her like that. I always wonder why and I realize answers aren’t the need with this current mood.

It’s comfort.

 Comfort is always necessary when it comes to this.

“Are you alright?” I spoke out, wanted her attention on me to at least to let her know I was here, standing looking at her.

She did lifted up her face, and I can clearly see how lonely and how much she’s in pain right now by the look on her eyes. The tears run down on her cheeks while her lips furrowed as well as her brows, the mystery behind those expression she has made me want to ask her why. Her stares wanted me to go and help her up by volunteering she could have my shoulder to lean on. Her tears won’t run dry it was just so heartbreaking to see.

“What are you doing here?” she then asked, quickly wiping those tears away after a minute.

“I’m sorry I just--”

“Get out.”

Hyomin stood up moving her way towards the main door as she jiggled the door knob. She did look on me and did let out a big sigh before she tilted her head as a sign to let me out from her apartment. What made me surprise was I’ve never seen any form of madness from her facial after knowing I went to her veranda without saying any excuses or anything from me. I couldn’t say anything about that.

“Get out, please.” She then uttered those words for the second, making those terrified expression on her.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what to do that time. All the things that were in my head was to help her and do comfort. I went out, tried to give a look on her again but never get a chance for she already had closed the door. Shutting it down. It made me worried about her a lot.

~~~

I went back to my apartment that night with so much worries on my head. I tried to go back and knock her door, but my instincts were telling me not to, so I did. Interrupting other people’s businesses is so unprofessional, but those words were nothing on me when I feel like helping her out and figure out things what bothers her. Hyomin was my neighbor and I am trying to be a good neighbor towards her. She might not let out her problems with me but at least she has to cry. And as I notice her for being lonely all the time in that small apartment, I wanted her to cry out loud.

I wanted her to cry with me, who’s been so curious on what makes her lonely every time and what makes her being so devastated and in pain like that.

Curiosity just killed me slowly.

I witness her cried not twice but many times every night. Hoping I could just talk to her and make her feel a little bit relief sometimes. I may be a some type of a loner one but I can be someone’s listener. A listener who would always give too much care about it regardless of how much close I am to that someone.

But talking about how deep you know each other is not really the need to get you being listened. I just then believe that things that were hidden inside you that you never get a chance to express or let it out, might lead people do some harm things on their selves.  Reflecting about it made me furrowed my lips for I had been thinking about her all the time. Every second and every minute of a day. I couldn’t even count how many hours did I wasted my time trying to figure out things that has nothing to do with me.

Maybe because we’re the same and maybe because I can reflect myself onto her.

~~~

“Hey.”

Another dawn came and as usual I see her again at the veranda looking at the stars like me. I did not wait for her to turn her head on me anymore for she had already give glances at me. I wouldn’t expect for her to utter any words towards me and I am sure about it. Looking at her being so serious while writing some words again on her little notebook made me push myself to go and have some conversation with her again but I’m afraid she wouldn’t want to. My thoughts and curiosity about her all mixed up on my mind making me feel dizzy about it.

Damn my head hurts again.

“You okay?” she did ask on me and I’m happy about it.

Maybe because she had noticed I growled on the headache I have right now. It was a concern.

“Yeah yeah I am.” I did smiled looking at her.

“You should go and take some medicine.” She then added while giving me that serious yet concern look.

“Not a big deal anyway” I then giggled “it’s just a little headache.”

“Should look after your health.”

“Why?”

Again I waited for her response, she seems get quiet for a sudden. Sided my eye on her as to observe what she was currently doing and then Hyomin did wrote something on that same notebook again, I figure.

Right then I speak up realizing silence will come after.

“Have you ever thought of becoming a star like sometimes?”

I turned my head on her, and she was looking at it.

“Like live your life with your own bright?” I then added.

“I did too, but sometimes I wondered what’s behind on it.” Hyomin replied simply but yet it made me raise my two brows for that one similarity.

“You thought so too?” I asked wanting further thoughts on her.

“Not really.” She then stands up taking a step aside to face me, “but I know someone who thinks the same way.”

“Oh…”

The cold breeze starts to blow again and to make me feel cold again. I was still there, with my rigid posture for Hyomin did stare at me with some meaningful spark on her eyes. That was the thing I couldn’t figure and that was the thing I wanna know for a second. I gave up looking away for I couldn’t take that lovely look on her. And a second passed, I find my urge and courage to look on her back and saw that little notebook on hers having that picture attached onto it.

It was cute.

Because it was her photo with her lovely smile.

“You’re so pretty on that photo.” I blurt out again feeling my lips curved upwards.

Hyomin quickly set her attention onto it and back to look on me as she realizes something. I was in focus on the other half on the picture but I failed to see it. She took it away and hid those inside her jumper pocket. It’s kinda suspicious for me to see her acting like that.

“I gotta go in,” she said blinked her eyes twice as she set her sight side by side “You should too. It’s cold.”

The brunette slowly went her way in and I couldn’t miss this chance to say this thought that was with me all the time.

“Hyomin..”

She then turned.

“If you have a problem you can have me as a listener.” Then I smiled.

She never let out a word back but her sweet trademark smile made me think she was alright. She was okay about me being her listener.

Hyomin agreed for me being her listener.

~~~

We made an appointment after a couple of days for a dinner together outside. It was my pleasure when she did nod and say yes on my plan about it. I’ve been always wanted to be by her side and just let her laugh with the best thing I could do. The only reason I know why I wanted her to was, I was concern and I really do wanted to see that lively expression on her often. The other one was left unknown and I leave it as it is.

I didn’t bother time for the warm happiness I felt right now feels like for eternity. I couldn’t describe on how much this feeling made me flattered tonight while being by her side tackled about random stuff. All I knew was I was happy and the reason behind it was I am. Never ever thought of someone will somehow give shine on the darkness around me and give definition to my vivid life.

And I am really thankful about that.

“Can I ask you a question?” I started, “if you don’t mind.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

I gulped on the glass of water in front of me. As to get rid of my sudden dried mouth tonight. It felt so weird.

“What makes you look on the stars every night?”

Her lively facial suddenly fades away. I did regret I asked her that kind of question.

“I-It’s okay if you won’t answer it. It does feel l-like too personal.” I stuttered. Feeling terrified.

“No you were curious so you did asked, right?”

Her lips curved again upwards as what it were recently. It made me feel relief.

“Sort of..”

“The reason was I wanted to regret everything I had done back then.” Hyomin answered flawlessly “Thinking of things alone.”

“We surely have lots of similarities.” I smiled.

“What made you say that?”

“I love thinking stuff alone. And so you were.”

Hyomin bowed her head, biting her lips secretly as I notice. Why is everything about her so mysterious?

“I wasn’t. Someone made me like this.” Hyomin added.

The atmosphere is getting awkward again as what I had expected. Her silence and mine combined together is such a terrible feeling I couldn’t even imagine. There are just things I don’t know that I wanted to know but I couldn’t. And there are things I wouldn’t want to that I could. Why is life so confusing?

“I don’t want her to remember me as well as the pain I gave to her.”

And then she did confess.

Hyomin told me how her life was. A cheerful and a lively one, she said. About her getting into a life when everything is so colorful and an optimistic one. A life she has back then when the freedom leads her to a brighter life more than she has. A life when everything she only knew was love and greatly feeling it to the fullest.

A life when she kept the hidden hopes and happiness.

And a life when she had felt the pain and found darkness.

I felt touched about the phrases and the feelings that were a part of her life, because I know I could relate. The difference was she had this relationship, should we say an unacceptable one. A not normal one, a filthy one, as what most people’s opinion about this kind of relationships. The hardest part was Hyomin and her girlfriend needed to face reality and society, that the feeling they had felt wasn’t supposed to be happened. That it was wrong, that it was foolish.

That it was just a waste of time and couldn’t count as a feeling of love.

That it was against the law.

That it was prohibited.

“But it was long time ago, better not to bring it back to present.” Hyomin her own hair as she slowly put a little smile on her.

I got a feeling that smile were just a fake. That deep inside it does still kill her a lot.

After an hour and almost a half of conversation, I did join her to wait for a cab nearby. She said she had some important matters in her home town and she needs to rush back.  I didn’t bother to ask why for it was already too much for her to share what bothers her every night. At least she had shared and at least someone had listened to it. I felt helpful a bit about it and I don’t know if she does think the same way. I hope I was a help for her, even though I didn’t utter any relief words for her situation right now. A hurtful past is just hard to forget.

“Take care!” I gave her my rare yet lively smile again. And I do hope she would before saying goodbyes.

A cab stopped in front of us, as I look on her opening the cab door slowly before a pause motion happened after she did look back on me. She was smiling, never thought she would show a grateful and a lively expression for the first time on me. Hyomin stepped forward, coming towards me. After that moment I felt her warm touch against mine as she gently pulled her arms and did embrace me.

I patted her back for a while. It felt so sad after she released me from that warm. Something deep inside wanted me to stop her for leaving, and I don’t even know why.

“Thank you for listening, I feel a bit okay after.”

“It was my pleasure. I didn’t do any helpful thing beside listening. I’m sorry that was all I could do.”

I widened my eyes after I spoke out those words. A warm and a sweet kiss planted on my cheeks happened not that long, making my nerves get thrilled like lightning hit me from above. But it felt so slow like how the time stopped for a while to enjoy the rare happiness I felt inside. It really felt so weird.

“Goodbye!”

The last words I heard from her as I witness her eyes got wetter before looking away at me. I was having a rigid posture there, trying to understand things what I had just felt. The word ‘goodbye’ hurt me and the beads of tears that kept falling from her eyes made me wonder why.

What was the reason behind it?

~~~

I woke up from the familiar dream again the next day. The lights, the horns, the scream from a woman. A scary and a bloody scenario that I had witnessed. It was the same nightmare again and I don’t know when I will get rid of this. I get up slowly as I felt the pain on my head. My sight gets blurry, reaching out the bottle of pills on the bedside table. I growled but at this time more loud. The pain which I had suffered for a long time, that sometimes I did questioned myself and reflected on my nightmares…

“Jiyeon, I’m sorry I can’t…”

Was there a connection about everything?

“P-p…” I couldn’t even speak up due to my strong sickness. And I tried so hard to fight back against onto it.

My point finger touched the bottled but it fell on the ground and realized it was empty.  I look for a stock on the cabinet where I hid those medicines I needed. I searched for it together with my trembling and wet hands, causes the arranged bottled medicines into a mess. Seeking the bottled with the name labeled on it while I tried so hard because the pain gets stronger. I feel like I’m going to die soon. That my heart beats doubled. That I was suffocating. That I feel like my head is going to explode because I can’t take it anymore.

There’s nothing I could do so I squat. I hated myself for everything, for everything I am right now. A tear drops on the ground came from my weak eyes, I bowed down as to try to relax myself and let the situation be.

What else could I do better?

“Hyomin…”

A name which suddenly came out from my dry mouth, making me feel at lost at this time round.

I opened the door as I feel the heavy pain slowly fades away. With my blank mind right now, I couldn’t even think on what to do better for this day. I don’t have the urge to go and work today, it will only cause my symptoms to worst. The only thing I want to do was to be alone, and feel the loneliness dominate on me more, that it was the only best thing I could ever do. One man with a client passed by talked about negotiations. I glimpse at them getting busy about it, and I did paused when I heard them saying the apartment next door is on sale.

Did Hyomin just sell her apartment out?

I took a slow but weak steps on the front door, did open it for it was unlock.  The first thing I saw was the window with a white curtain, opened through the small veranda where she would sit down and look on the stars. I looked around, and notice everything is well prepared for selling it. Right then I closed the door, I went straight to her bed and sat on it. Feeling how comfy it was as I buried my body and feeling her scent.

Yes her scent. Why is it so painful to smell that kind?

“Jiyeon, I can’t I’m sorry…”

“You were my light that brightens my life. So please don’t leave by my side.”

“I love you Jiyeon..”

I growled in pain again, as those phrases kept popping up on my head. I growled and growled and growled. Putting my both palms on my both ears and covered it, but I still could hear those words that were echoing on my head. I kneeled on the ground, and a meaningless tear fell again. I kept on asking why, about why the pain still striking me today. About the pain I had no idea on what to. About the pain the reason behind was still unclue.

“Jiyeon I’m sorry.”

I lifted up my head, as I remember a thing.

I remember about getting into a car accident two years ago. That I was sure enough it was the nightmare I kept on dreaming. About me getting into a treatment until now, the process is still going on. About what was my life and why I’m me right now. The questions, the mysteries and my doubts, I finally had an answers.

I remember exactly everything, about the painful ones and the sweetest one. I remember I had this hidden relationship with someone, with terrified together with the coward feeling the other felt.

The secret relationship. The relationship which lead me being like this.

I remember what had happened and I remember every connection that I kept on dreaming. That the clues were so close with me. That the truth was there, hiding behind me.

“No I wasn’t. Someone made me like this.”

That the truth slowly killing me.

“I don’t want her to remember me as well as the pain I gave to her.”

I turned my head on the side, and see a piece of picture that I get curious before.

“Goodbye.”

I picked it up and felt my heart rip its own. The other half of the picture was the only truth.

It felt like I’m running out of oxygen to get suffocate like this.

My heart trembles.

My body gets weak.

My eyes get wetter that tears kept falling non-stop.

That I had now remember exactly everything.

I remember everything I failed to recognize. The love. The hatred. The pain and the happiness. All of those were just words with no words could describe how much I felt about it. The only phrase I knew was I loved her and I do really care.

But…

But all the things I tried to figure out. The person who broke her heart, the person who made her cry every night and isolate herself every dawn…

Was just me…

~~~