Dara’s POV

With Sajangnim’s advice, I left Korea quietly. My only companion was my ever trusted manager Jjangme whom YG instructed to watch out for me during my two weeks retreat. No one, not even my family, knew where I was going and Sajangnim made sure of that. I didn’t know what he told the others regarding my sudden “engagement” but I was grateful to have someone take care of things for me.  

As soon as I stepped out of the airport, I wished I felt what I always felt every time I came back. But the peace that came every time I returned here eluded me. Even my second home could not appease the ache that my heart felt.

 “Dara-yah, our car’s here. Let’s go.” Jjangme said. As I looked at him placing all our belongings to the trunk, I felt guilty. Jjangme was supposed to be on his vacation with his family. But here he was babysitting me. Guilty as I felt, I couldn’t tell him to leave me alone.  I didn’t trust myself in restraining myself when it came to him. I needed someone who’ll ground me back to reality.

I mindlessly opened the car door and sat at the back followed by Jjangme. He gave the driver instructions on where to go. It used to agitate me not knowing where my destination was but I was too tired to care.

Small raindrops then started to pour. Rain was our thing. We would cuddle all day in his bed when both of us didn’t have a schedule. We’d talk endlessly of random topics. Our first kiss happened on a rainy night.  We were happy. But along the way, he just changed. I’m tired of knowing how things just happened the way they are now. I don’t even want a closure anymore. I just want this to end. Some things in life are better left alone. I’ll believe that time heal all wounds.

 “Jjangme-yah…. How long do you think it will take for me to get over him?”

“Dara-yah…” I heard him sigh and shuffled beside me. I felt his hand gripping mine seemingly trying to transfer his strength.

“It can be how long you want it to be. Just don’t let it take too long. He doesn’t deserve your tears.” I looked at Jjangme and I see a friend hurt because I was hurting. “I really miss my mischievous friend,” he said.

I could see he was trying not to cry. This was why I didn’t like looking at other people’s eyes ever since then. They would all look at me with pity glances. Something that I’ve tried to rid of ever since our father left us.  But here I am again, the receiving end of those looks.

“Don’t worry. She’s still there. She just needs time.” I said placing my other hand on top of his. Gripping it as hard as I can, wanting to convey to him that I’ll be alright. I hope I’ll be alright.

“I’m tired now. Wake me up when we arrive, okay?” I patted his hands before I let it go and went staring back at the world outside the window.  I didn’t wait for his response. I leaned my head at the backrest and closed my eyes.

As soon as we’ve arrived, I’ve requested Jjangme to leave me alone tonight. I could see his hesitation but I was glad he conceded. I just needed this one night for myself.

I was given a single cottage for my own disposal. It was small but it would suffice.  I sat down at the edge of my bed. The only light was coming from the moon, visible from the window. It was still pouring outside. A semblance to what I was feeling. And just like all my recent nights, all emotions I tried to numb resurfaced.

Tears streamed down my face which turned to sobs. Memories we’ve shared together flashed before me. All the ”I love you’s” uttered didn’t seem special now. The “I miss you’s” seem shallow all the same.  How can it be so easy for men to change their feelings? It happened with Joseph and now with him. Was I so nice? So gullible for them to do it to me so shamelessly? So understanding evey time they said they were busy and failed to made time for me? But wasn’t love supposed to be that way? You give and understand without an ounce of doubt or suspicion.

But then again in love, the hows, whens, and whys do not really matter. Whether a love just started or a love ended, what matters most is the feeling that two people harbor for each other. If they still both reciprocate the love of each other.

Tonight, I will cry till the last tears drop for him. Then tomorrow, my hands may bleed from picking up the broken pieces but I will do it meticulously that no one will dare question its wholeness and resilience.  

Author's Note:

Hi! Really overwhelmed right now and grateful for all the subscriptions. I intended this to be a one shot but really had a hard time compressing all the feelings I want to be conveyed.

Hope you'll bear with my writing and would love to hear from you.

What do you think should be the next step in moving on?

Love,

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