It had been a year since Super Junior had won the St. Patricks day bake off and wiped the floor with the weasly members of One Direction. It had been all over the tabloids. Harry Styles was shamed. He couldn't show his perfectly sculpted, handsome face in public for over a month to the dismay of fangirls everywhere. While grocery stores couldn't keep Super Junior brand cakes on their shelves! 

Back in Korea they declared it national Super Junior Day, and unveiled twelve solid gold statues of the boys winning the competition to commemorate their glory... As well as twelve Samsung cellphone towers sticking out of their heads. Making them beautiful and utilizing the space to it's maximum potential... St. Patricks day was completely abolished. Though they kept the whole green thing and the drinking... And the leprechauns! Only now they swore a lot and looked like Gordon Ramsey. 

Back at Super Junior headquarters, things were continuing on like normal. The boys still slept together while spooning in their 12 person bed, and their robot butler still cooked them breakfast and brought them their mail every morning. Though something was missing in their lives. A Kyuhyun sized hole they just couldn't seem to fill. 

"It just doesn't feel the same around here without Kyuhyun anymore", said Heechul. 
"But you're the one who baked him into a cake silly giggled" Donghae. 

"I knowww! And he was delicious! And I'm sure he was really happy he got us to win that competition. I know it was what he would of wanted." 

"Actually, I'm pretty sure he would of wanted to win the competition WITH us instead of IN us" giggled Kangin. 

Bleep boop beep, said their robot butler, bringing their slippers. Only he had extra pair.. which made the boys feel sad. 

"You know what", said Yesung, "I think we need a new person to fill in those slippers! Someone here who can take Kyukyun's place in our hearts." 

"No one will take his place in our hearts" said Kibum! With dramatic tears flickering in his eyes. 

"That's right," said Eunhyuk. "No one will ever replace Kyukyun. In his life he was a great friend, a beautiful singer, and a delicious cake. But maybe we can find someone else to wear those slippers. I propose.... We do auditions to find a new member of Super Junior!!"

There was a gasp! 

"Everyone in favour, giggle! "

After a second, a unanimous giggle erupted in the kitchen. 

Leetuk added, "Make sure this person can fit into his feetie pajamas too! You know how important they are to our group!.. Everyone agreed. Feetie pajamas were very important to Super Junior."

On the day Super Junior announced a casting call for an opening in their band, it was pandemonium. Roughly two billion people lined up outside Super Junior headquarters just for a chance to become a member of the greatest boy band that ever lived. All the boys of Super Junior loved their fans! They knew each one was special and unique and contributed a little piece of themselves and their hearts into their fandom. They wanted the chance to be able to audition every single one of them! Siwon crunched the numbers though, and if they did that, they'd be there auditioning people until approximately the sun burned out. They couldn't have that! Natural sunlight was very flattering to their skin tones! 

 

So instead they decided to take a page from well-known chocolate peddler and fashion icon, Willy Wonka. The boys placed five golden kimchi tickets in their Super Junior brand cakes. The five winners will get to audition, and one of them will be made the new member of Super Junior!! 


The boys of Super Junior had barely shipped out the last box of cakes when the first ticket was found! Well known rapper and Kim Kardashian lover Kanye West was the first to obtain a golden kimchi ticket! He immediately declared himself the newest member of Super Junior, told everyone since he fully expects to be the bands new leader, he'll be taking them in a new direction. For some "next level ."

Next to get their hands on the precious golden kimchi ticket, was TV host Dr. Phil. Who proudly announced he ate through 12 entire cases of Super Junior cakes to find it... and then tried to peddle his most recent diet book! He said he expects to be the next member of Super Junior because he's very in tune with group dynamics and can isolate and address any underlying causes in the group’s dysfunction. 

Next to win the coveted golden kimchi ticket was legendary plastic surgery advocate, Joan Rivers. Which was actually super awkward because everyone thought she had been dead for the past year. After chewing everyone out for burying her while she was just taking a nap, she went on to declare she would be the next member of Super Junior because she managed to give Satan the slip and crawl out of Hell just to get this chance. When asked why she said she was just sleeping then, she screamed, "omg is that Bradgelina!"... and ran away while everyone's backs were turned. 

It wasn't long after that, that the 4th golden kimchi ticket made its appearance in the hands of none other than the 44th President of the United States, Barrack Obama! There were immediate suspicions on how he managed to obtain a ticket. Illegal arms trades with North Korea? Unlawful property seizure from an innocent citizen? Secret Illuminati connections? His official stance was his daughter won the ticket and gave it to him because she knew how much daddy loved Korean boy bands. The whole incident though was threatening to become his undoing as Kimchigate. 

Finally, there was only one more golden kimchi ticket left out there. The whole world was going mad opening up Super Junior cakes trying to find it. There were hoaxes left and right! Though most were easily dismissed due to the secret scratch n sniff kimchi sticker the boys added for authentication. 

Finally, the last winning ticket surfaced! Some random internet streamer by the name of Ceez managed to get the last ticket after binging on Super Junior cakes while playing H1Z1. When the camera him and asked him how it felt to be the last winner, he started crying and wet his pants. After an awkward moment he just said, "Yo yo I'mma be on Super Junior like a tumour, hitting it up with Joan that y cougar. Dem koreans better not distract me while I'm playing H1Z1 or I'll pick off another one of their members with my sawed off shotgun!"

When asked why he was threatening members of a band he wished to join, he only gazed off into into space... 

Finally the big day arrived! All 5 golden kimchi ticket winners boarded the Super Junior private jet, and took off to Super Junior headquarters to audition! 

At the headquarters the boys were so excited they didn't quite know what to do with themselves. They were in such a giddy mood, giggles and pillow fights kept randomly erupting. Which actually wasn't so great for Heechul who still had a habit of losing his mind during any sort of confrontation. With Heechul securely duct taped to his chair, the winners of the golden Kimchi tickets were brought before Super Junior! 

Right off the bat there was an elimination! Dr. Phil's looks weren't up to par with the boys standards. 

"Ewww! Omg he's so old!!" Said Ryeowook. 

"And he doesn't even have any hair!! How is he supposed to look cute and fabulous if he's bald??"

"And that mustache makes him look like a e!" Cried Kibum. 

"Not to mention he'd never fit into Kyuhyun's feetie pajama's," said Leetuk. 

"Now fella's come on." Said Doctor Phil. "I may not be much in the looks department, but I can contribute a lot to this organization personality wise. I'm an award winning TV host and bestselling author. My bff is Oprah. That's gotta count for something!"

"Nope, sorry!" Said Eunhyuk.

 
"We just don't think we can rebrand your image to fit in with us. Thanks for your time though!" And with that, he pulled a lever and Dr. Phil was sent down a hidden trap door screaming, "at least let me book you on my showwwwwwwww...."

Next to catch the boys attention was rapper Kanye West, who was still staring down the hole that Dr. Phil dropped into. Once he noticed he was in the spotlight though he immediately went into Yeezy mode. 

"Man, I'm the No. 1 living and breathing rock star. I am Axl Rose; I am Jim Morrison; I am Jimi Hendrix. I feel like I'm too busy writing history to read it. I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live." 

"Umm, Mister West." Said Leeteuk. "We have no clue what that any of that means, or what you're trying to say. Is there anything else you'd like to add before your audition ends?"

"Yeah!! Give my wife Kim her own star on the Hollywood walk of fame! Who doesn't know Kim Kardashian?!" 

The boys stared blank eyed at Kanye. "Thank you Mister West. Said Eunhyuk. That will be all we need to see." He then pulled another lever which sent Kanye falling through the floor. 

"Man, this has been such a disappointment so far." Said Heechul. "I wish my hands were free so I could throw them up in a dramatic sigh."

"Don't lose hope yet Heechul!" Said Donghae. "We still have three more contestants to go! Now let's see, who's next."

"That would be me sugar !" Said Joan Rivers, pushing her way past Obama. "This whole band is a sausage fest! You need a bit of feminine charm in here to appeal to the men." 

At that moment, Ryeowook took out his makeup kit and started powdering his nose. 

"Err, okay. Maybe you got the feminine charm thing down. But what you really need is someone with a bit of personality! Someone who's career stretches back to the great depression! Who knows what the people want! Who sells her own jewelry brand on the shopping channel!"

"Oh woweewow! You do sound exactly like what we need!" Said Siwon. "Only... I mean... Aren't you dead??"

"Do I look dead to you, you little peasant?!" Said Joan. 

"Well, no. But it was all over the news and everything. They had this big memorial to you and everything. Look, here's one of the articles I just brought up on my official Super Junior sponsored partnership ipad!!" 

Joan took the tablet and read the article. "Omg, I am dead!" She croaked out. She then turned to the boys and reached her hand out to them with a confused look on her face, though at the same time turning to dust and falling into a pile of ashes on the floor. 

"Could someone get Joan some water?" Said Kangin. "She's looking a little thirsty."

Aww, another disappointment moaned Heechul. 

"Excuse me boys, but I think I can help." Said Obama as he confidently strode forward. "As the president of the United States of America, I have more than a few amazing resources at my disposal to make me a considerable asset to this band. You think the Super Junior private jet is awesome? Wait until you've flown on Air Force One. Your headquarters are pretty neat, but wait until you see my private underground nuclear bunker. I'm willing to share all these resources and more if you let me into the band."

"Ooooh nuclear bunker." Said Donghae eyes shining in wonder. "Sounds kinda drab though. We'd definitely have to do an official super junior bunker makeover!"

"Yeah yeah sure. Whatever." Said Obama. "There are some conditions to this though. You'll have to relocate to the USA. You'll also be given new American names! Ones our proud people can actually pronounce! Here, I've prepared a list for you. You'll know be known as Jackson, Liam, Aiden, Lucas, Mason, Ethan, Cadan, Jacob, Logan, Jayden, and Owen. You'll also have to do the occasional recruitment video for us to air in schools and whatnot. But don't worry boys, I've already started working on it! How's this so far?" 

Turn around baby shake them glutes. You're the girl that I want to recruit 
You know I'm a player girl so hold them tears. But sign that contract for at least four years. 
Yeah for four years baby just you and me. Traveling the world bringing freedom and democracy. 
You'll have that paparazzi and that entourage. Cause girl you look y in that camouflage. 

I think the lyrics really appeal to today’s youth. I wrote them myself. Obama proudly declared. 

"Umm, Mister Obama." Said Siwon. "It kinda sounds like you don't want to join this band for the love of music at all. It kinda sounds like you're have a political ulterior motive!" 

"Yeah," said Kangin. "It almost sounds like you want to use us to manipulate the American people!"

"And what do you mean no one can pronounce our names," said Kibum. "I can barely say the ones you listed! Like, Logan. Really? Logan? Haha sure! That doesn't even sound like a real name!" 

"I see." Said Obama. "Well I'm sorry we weren't able to make a deal here boys. Don't bother pulling those trap door levers. I know how it works. I had the same system installed in my own office. I'll show myself out. And don't come calling me if you ever need something in the future! I'm officially tearing up my Super Junior fan club card!.." Obama left, trying to maintain all the dignity he could after being so thoroughly rejected by the boy band. 

"Well guys, looks like we have our newest member of Super Junior Eunhyuk announced! Welcome to the band.. uhh, what was his name again??"

By this point Ceez had curled up into a ball and fallen alseep. He had pulled an all nighter and started drifting off around the time Kanye started ranting. 

"Go wake him up and tell him the good news Donghae!" Said Siwon. "I bet he's going to be so excited. We better prepare ourselves for a group hug." He said while releasing Heechul from his duct tape. 

Donghae approached the sleeping Ceez. "Hey sleepy head! Wake up! It's the beginning of the rest of your life as the newest member of Super Junior!" 

Ceez woke up with a jolt! "Get away from my wallet you thieving hoboes!" He screamed while brandishing a pocket knife. 

"I'm not a hobo" cried Donghae! "I'm your newest bandmate. You won the competition, uhh, Ceez." Donghae said while reading Ceez's name tag. 

Years of energy drink abuse had slowed Ceez’s brain. It took him a moment for him to clue into his current situation. 
Finally he said, "oh man so I actually won? Sweet! I thought my was screwed thoroughly when I saw the competition. Sorry about the knife bro, but you know how it is. Thieving hoboes and all. Can never be too careful." He then sat down and used the knife to play five finger fillet on the official super junior hard wood floors. 

Donghae backed away slowly and went back to the other original members of Super Junior. 
"Guys, I think we made a big mistake here!" He said. "This guy doesn’t seem like Super Junior material!!" Donghae was still very offended by the hobo comment. 

"Well, nobody officially knows we chose him yet or anything." Said Shindong. "Why don’t we just give him a trial run first? See if he fits in before we publicly announce him as the newest member!"

 
"Great idea," said Leetuk! And speaking about fitting. Leetuk ran off and then came back holding something in his hands. 

"Ceez, would you please try these on for me? It will be your first official Super Junior outfit!" 

"Oh sweet!" Feetie pajamas said Ceez. Who then stripped down and immediately tried them on. "Hmm, the feet are a little too small for me I think. Sorry! I don’t think I can wear these. But you know what they say about guys with big feet right??" He then laughed until he choked at his own joke. None of the members of Super Junior laughed or even smiled. It was an ominous sign. 

THE NEXT DAY 

"Good morning my Korea bro’s!" Ceez loudly announced. "How did you all sleep? Gotta admit, at first I thought the whole twelve person bed thing was sorta weird, but I could get used to this!"

Kangin who he was spooning the whole night had a traumatized look on his face. 

"What?!" Said Ceez defensively. "All dudes get morning wood bro. I can’t help it. Don’t act like it’s so horrible. And I don’t like sleeping with clothes on! I find they restrict my dream creativity!"

 
Some of the boys were discussing faking sick and staying in bed all day, when from downstairs they heard a horrible noise. The boys jumped out of bed and ran downstairs! 

Ceez was down there kicking the out of their robot butler. "Bleep boop beep," screamed robot butler. 

"Oh god no why?! Why are you doing this?!" Cried Yesung. "You’re hurting him! Stop!"

"He refuses to call me master!! I must make this machine submit! Besides, why do you even care? You can’t even play any cool games on him. Why don’t you get a monkey butler instead? That would be in!!"

The boys looked at Ceez, and then looked at each other. Even though it was barely 10 am, they knew the decision they had to make. 

"Oh Ceez! Why don’t you help Heechul make some cake?" Said Leetuk. "We’re having our special breakfast cake this morning, and as the newest member of our band, it would be good for you to learn how to make it too."

"Well I don’t know." Said Ceez. "Can’t you guys do that baking? That’s kind of a chick thing."

"We’re all guys, and we all bake!" Said Shindong 

"Woah. Woha. Woahhhhhh. You’re telling me… You guys are all dudes?! I slept in a bed with a bunch of dudes?! Omg, I’m questioning everything now."

Ceez’s brain then went into shut down mode as his version of reality cracked all around him. The boys knew this was their best chance and struck! Super Junior had become very efficient in their special cake baking method. In no time at all, they had a special Ceez sized cake baking in the oven. 

As the boys of Super Junior all sat down around the table to enjoy some delicious breakfast cake and milk, for the first time in a long time they didn’t feel incomplete. They felt whole. The incident with Ceez taught them they should be more wary about letting strangers into their home. And that when the times right, they’ll find someone who will fit into Kyuhyuns feetie pajamas. 

"So what do we tell the fans when they ask who was chosen as the newest member of our band?" Said Sungmin. 

"We’ll just say nobody ended up being quite the right fit for us." Said Ryeowook. 

"I don’t know. I think he fits quite nice in my tummy right now." Said Donghae. 
They all giggled. 

The End.