Where Are You Now [Part 2]

I want the old me back.

The first thought in your head the moment you opened those eyes—it’s ironic how that one thought rose up from the depths of your soul. You were initally confused. What made you think this way? Where did this come from? Then another flash of thought made you realize what brought this whole thing to life.

I dreamed of me and Seungri… Back when we’re a lot younger… Me playing with him… In bed, just the two of us… Smiling Seungri… My laughter… Everything was perfect…

I just want the old me back.

You were suddenly filled with life. So much more than how you were yesterday night as you drank it away with them. You shoved the sheets off you, not caring to wear a slipper, you made your way to your computer to write how you were feeling.

You thought it’s best to write them out first before thinking through it. You were very pumped up typing word after word while holding your breath. You were determined to get all your feelings out there for him to read… or in this case, hear. You want every word to come from the bottom of your heart as you sing it out to him.

It’s now or never.

You typed and typed, inhaling and exhaling every now and then. You didn’t even realize it’s almost lunchtime. You just typed and typed and typed. The sound of the keyboard as your background music.The face of Seungri as your inspiration.

I want us to go back to the way we were.

You repeated those words in your head as your fingers work on your piece. Because, deep inside, you know it’s now or never.

Then, another line you just typed hit you.

Is it too late for me to turn back?

Your fingers hovered on top of your computer keys; your present situation now replaced all thoughts of Seungri.

You were with her last night. You were fake-laughing with her as you drank glass after glass of whiskey drowning your misery along with every gulp. You were miserable, yet you kept on playing along with the lie. You were so determined to keep your straight because you have to. In the expense of losing the one you truly want to have.

I want my real smile back.

Your thoughts rerouted back to Seungri. Your real source of happiness.The one person who truly brought the best and worst out of you. The one you truly love.

Yet it took me this much to realize I can’t live without you.

These words led you back to writing. You typed them on your computer. You want to sing this for him. This very line.

Baby, where are you now?

This line wasn’t just for him, but also for you. You were asking the same thing to yourself because you no longer know where you are and where you’re headed. Because you know that if you don’t do anything for you and him, it’ll be totally over.

I’m trying to get myself back. Will you be there to guide me?

You were crying now. Tear after tear fell down your cheeks. This was hurting you so much. Pure torture. And you know it’s all your fault. Everything that happened between you and him.Everything that transpired in the past few years.All the depression. Misery. Melancholy. They were all your fault.

And I’m trying so hard to get you back. Will you turn around and take this hand?

You just wanted to get back together with him. You just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. You just wanted the old you. But it won’t be an easy task.

Will you allow me back in your heart? Will you take this flight with me and start anew?

You typed and typed until you’d exhausted every words out of your heart. You proceeded to read them again. And again.Andagain,through your blurred vision. The tears won’t dry up. And as you read and reread, the deeper the pain went. You were miserable. And you hope it won’t be for long.

--

You called Yongbae up, not even bothering to check what time it is or what your stomach kept telling you. You waited and waited for your best friend to pick up. You cannot wait to talk about this with him.

“Jiyong-ah, if you’re calling just to piss me off, I’m hanging up.”

You chuckled at his sarcasm, dismissing it right off the bat. “Your sense of humor is lame, bro. But anyway, I have an urgent situation here. Will you help me?”

You heard your best friend sigh and you know it’s his sigh of defeat. You then heard him ask what’s your deal, so you didn’t waste any more second and went on to discuss your plan to win Seungri back.

“Ji, I… I know you mean well but… are you sure of this? I mean, yeah, with this idea I am surely gonna stop cursing you, but you know the consequence of this, right?”

Nodding your head as if your best friend’s right in front of you, you said yes. You understood pretty well what would happen if you proceed with this. Every goddamn plan the management laid out for you because of your stupidity will go to waste. And you’ll probably go against the whole team.

“I don’t care. I want him back, Bae. I just want us back.”

“Then I dare you to move, Ji. It’s your call, not mine.”

Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

You were reminded of why you suddenly want to turn back time. Or at least, bring your old self to the present.  Because you hated your current self so much. And the things you did, which you realized you shouldn’t have done.

“I….”

You heard a deep breath drawn out from your phone receiver. It sent chills down your spine.

“Jiyong, I’m not you. I can’t solve everything by myself. I’m extremely glad you finally came to your senses so I will help, but it’s on you, mate. Move. I’ll be behind you.”

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

Funny how Yongbae’s words brought you to a particular song. Who would’ve thought this song will give you such an inspiration to finally do something about your own misery. It’s the same way you want your songs to affect others. This one song affected you in a whole different level.

--

You’re done doing the demo for the song. You rehearsed it in secret along with those Yongbae gathered to help you with this plan. You practiced all the parts with the other three members of Big Bang. You want it to be completed first before letting Seungri in on the song.

You wanted him to hear the song in full so you practiced his part too. You want him to feel how much you want to express in this one particular piece. Because you bared everything out in this one. You laid it all out in plain sight. You wanted him to understand you. You just really wanted him to see how much you are willing to risk for your relationship with him to come back.

--

Everything’s settled. Yongbae would arrive with Seungri in the practice studio. You will be singing this song live in front of him.

Everyone in the room was set to play their parts. The musical band, the staffs,who agreed to help out and want to be witnesses to this rare moment. Your friends, the members of your group. You called them all. Even her.

Yes, this is how you wanted to do it. You wanted to end it with her and start anew with him in this room. You wanted her to understand that you can’t live in a lie anymore. You just couldn’t go on living this way. It’s been so many years now…

--

“Hyung, where are we going? Do we have any schedule? Why are we going this way?”

You heard footsteps outside so you straighten your coat. Everyone held their breaths as the door swung open, revealing a puzzled Seungri, and a beaming Yongbae took his place beside you.

“W-what’s going on? Eh? Is there a party?”

No one said a word. You then signaled for the band to start their cue as Yongbae took a mic for himself. For the first time in forever, you watched your hand shake as you position the mic in your hand in front of your quivering lips.

“Get your straight, dude,” you told yourself over and over as the intro played in the background.

The song started with Yongbae’s smooth ballad voice giving it just the right flavor of bittersweet feeling, the very emotion the lyrics want to convey. You feel your nerves calm down as you absorb every note from Yongbae’s part.

Then the song moved to its refrain. This part, you gave to Daesung. His strong husky voice gave conviction to what you want Seungri to realize. You inhaled deeply because it’s your turn next.

You sang with your eyes looking straight toward his. Piercing it. Conveying every word without breaking the connection you made. You want him to see that this is real. That this is your true feelings. You want him to realize how much you feel for him. You badly want him to see your utmost sincerity.

As you sang with ardor, Seungri’s expression changed from confusion to hesitation. But he didn’t break the connection. And you knew from there that he finally understood what’s happening.

You gave him a broken smile as the song continued on. Every word of the song resonated in the room. Filling you up with emotions you badly wanted Seungri to feel.

And as the eldest member of Big Bang rapped words that you’ve never heard of, you broke off your staring contest with Seungri and averted them toward the older man. You couldn’t believe what you’re hearing.

You’ve cried so much, but pretended you didn’t

You smiled as if nothing happened

I knew all along, we knew all along

It’s taking a toll on you and we’re hurting too

This whole thing turned from bad to worse

But what I know is that he loves you

So much to sacrifice everything

To keep you safe

To make everything fall on him instead

And it’s wrong, man

It’s so wrong

He thought he could fool us but who does he think we are?

Aren’t we a family? We are, right?

So to you who’s standing in front of us

Listen carefully to this

Listen to him

To this song

In all these years

This is the most honest him

Take him with a grain of salt

But don’t ignore what your heart yearns for

The singing came back and you couldn’t get yourself to go on. Tears fell from your eyes blurring your vision. You don’t want him to see you like this.

And as the song concluded, hands patted you one by one. And you thought it was just you. But the one person you dedicate this song to was shedding tears, too.

Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

You saw, albeit blurry, that Yongbae pulled Seungri a step closer to you. Saying words of comfort as your bestfriend’s free hand landed on your shoulder.

“Everything will be okay. You guys should leave so these two could talk things out, yeah?”

The rest of the people surrounding agreed to leave. Except one.

“Uh, excuse me? Can I say something? To Jiyong-sshi, if it’s okay?”

Someone took a mic and spoke in pure Japanese. It’s a woman’s voice you recognized so well. You raised your head to find where she’s standing. You turned your head to your right. She’s near Seunghyun-hyung. She was holding the mic tight with her small and slim hands. As she spotted you looking at her, she gave a weak smile.

The staffs said they’ll leave first before any more words come out of the people involved. They silently fled the scene leaving your closest friends in the room with you.

“Well, the staffs left already, and I don’t mind if the rest of you are staying, so I can finally say something, right?” She spoke quietly, almost inaudible. If not for the mic and the loud speakers, no one would’ve understood her.

Yongbae nodded as Daesung and Seunghyun conjured chairs for them to sit on.

“So… I just witnessed Jiyong confess his true feelings for Seungri-goon. And I know he meant for it to be a goodbye to me. I just want to say, I’m gonna be okay. Seungri-goon, you don’t have to feel guilty. I mean, I do love him. But I know that my love for him isn’t enough because I can feel that when he’s with me, he’s not being his true self. I don’t see the kind of smile he gives you. I don’t feel anything except guilt and his strong urge of responsibility. He’s just taking responsibility for the rumors that spread toward us.”

She paused, wiped a tear that was threatening to fall down, smiled, then continued on with her speech.

“I’m… not really supposed to date him, you know. We were seen at a party because we did hang out. We were drunk. It was supposed to be just a one-night thing. That time, he was forbidden to have a close interaction with you and he was miserable. And I used it to my advantage because I kinda liked him. I…”

She stopped. The tears fell down one after another and the boys only watched her because she signaled for them to not do anything. She wiped the tears with the back of her hand, taking in some more air and blowing them off to pacify herself.

It took her at least three minutes before she could carry on. Bringing the mic back to her lips, she proceeded with her farewell speech.

“I… just want to thank all of you for not making me feel like I’m a stranger although I ruined your lives. Thank you, Seungri-goon for being nice to me even though you love him so much. I’m giving him back to you.”

She bowed so low as she thanked them one by one. You couldn’t help but feel sad for the girl. She was nice and she deserved better. She then stood up straight, reached for the lock of the necklace you gave her from the back of her head, removed its lock, and handed it to you. You pushed it back to her, as a sort of memento for the times you shared, but she refused.

“I don’t need it. But I’m taking our memories back with me.”

She bowed again, went to a nearby table, placed the mic she’s been holding tightly on top, and left at the nearest exit.

“I think we should take our leave now, too. Come on.”

Seunghyun pulled Daesung in the middle of the latter’s side hug toward Seungri. You could hear the younger man complain and you chuckled inwardly. Oh, those two…

“You two sort your out. I’ll be outside to keep watch on the corridor.”

Yongbae squeezed your shoulder so tight it actually kind of hurt but you dismissed the pain anyway. Your bestfriend meant well and you appreciate everything he did for you. I owe you another one, mate, you thought to yourself.

--

It’s just the two of you in that room. The instruments used earlier were left on the side. The chairs the others used were still in the same position they left it in. You were no longer crying. So was the man sitting across of you.

You looked at him looking at you with those bloodshot eyes. Your body instinctively moved toward him, your hands reaching out. Then you realized that everything’s not yet okay so you stopped on your tracks. He was surprised by your actions. You were, too.

He looked into your eyes again, then, he suddenly laughed.

“W-what? What’s funny?”

“You look like you didn’t sleep at all. You could use some sleep, you know, Jiyong-hyung.”

He smiled at you again. You no longer know how it ended up like this, but you also laughed. “Tell that to yourself, Ri. Look at those bags under your eyes! They seem more alive right now.”

You laughed some more before you abruptly stopped. You cleared your throat before speaking again.

“Seungri-ya… I…”

“Sssssshhhhhhh”

He’s now in front of you, his index finger pressed on your lips. “I understand now, Jiyongie. I understand so much now. After that song… Especially after her words... I fully understand now…”

You grabbed him by his shirt pulling him closer to you. And the two of you cry in each other’s arms.Arms around each other crying like babies.

You sang for him as tears fell down your cheek. You changed the lyrics of the song now that he’s finally beside you.

Baby, where are you now?

You're finally in my arms

Baby, where am I now?

I'm here by your side

It took so much to bring us back

To this point in our lives

Thank you for giving me another chance

We'll start anew and this time we'll make it right

“I love you, Lee Seunghyun…”

“And I love you, too… Kwon Jiyong…”

-END-