00:02:45PM
April 5th 2015

The camera shutter opens, the lens zooming in and out. “Is it on?” A voice asks aloud, and the light on the camera turned red. Must be recording, he thought, adjusting his shirt and sitting back in his chair. “Hello,” He says, testing his voice. “My name is Kim Kibum, I’m a twenty-four year old male.” The fan whirrs above him, a clock ticking in the distance. “I decided to record this. If anyone ever stumbled upon it and decided they wanted to know why I am, the way I am…” He sniffs, pinching his nose and looking down at his lap. “Then they would have to watch this.” Uncrossing his legs, he rests his hands on his knees, looking up into the camera. “If I were born a woman…” He leans forward. “I’ve always asked myself this. If I were born a woman then what? If I had a womans body, would it change anything?” He runs a hand through his brown hair, his eyes heavy. “If I were born a woman…” The thought trails off into a dream….

She wore her hair in a loose ponytail, her smile a reminder of the twinkle of stars. She was tall for the average Korean woman, but she had shapely legs and a just as shapely figure, her face sculpted by an artist. High cheekbones, bow-shaped lips and piercing eyes. Kim Gwiboon. She was gorgeous. “Gwiboon!” The voice that called for her belonged to one of her longtime friends. Park Hyeongseop, he was tall too, much taller than her and he used his height and handsome face to get a job as a model. Gwiboon turns, smiling as he jogged down the office hallway to meet her. “You look excited,” She says crossing her arms over her chest, he chuckles, placing a light hand to her shoulder. “I think I found someone for you.” Her eyes widen and she takes a step back. “I thought I told you to stop playing cupid for me?!” Hyeongseop grins, gently squeezing her shoulder. “Come on, just for today, he’s a nice guy—I think he’ll like you Gwiboonie.” She makes a face. “I’m 24, I can find my own boyfriend.” Hyeongseop laughs loudly. “If that were the case wouldn’t you have a boyfriend already?”

“Shut-up.” She gathers her briefcase, storming away from him and out of the building doors. The sun was warm as it across her face, men passed her and they would smile—she’d smile back, the breeze soothing against the nape of her neck as it blew her hair to the side. Letting out a soft sigh, she begins her descent across the street, ignoring Hyeongseop calling her name. “Trying to play cupid…” She grumbles, clenching the handle on her brief case. “I don’t need him to find anyone….” She trails off, her shoulders drooping and her expression going blank. There was a man dancing in front of her, his headphones plugged into his ears as he danced and bellowed out the lyrics. Placing a hand to her hip she watches him and she grinned. The short stranger continued to dance until he finally opened his eyes. He jumps back, the broom in his hand falling to the sidewalk. “I—I’m sorry.” He bows, apologizing several more times before bending down to pick up the broom. She laughs, a loud laugh that caused people on the streets to stop and stare and admire such a full sounding laugh. “Are you…okay?” He asks and she nods, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I apologize for laughing, but you looked so adorable dancing like that.” The short stranger blushed at her sweet words and he watches her, his eyes softening at her smile. 

The dream fast-forwarded.

His name was Jonghyun, Kim Jonghyun, a part-time worker trying to find his way into the music industry. Their relationship developed fast; dates, kisses, moments where they became close but wouldn’t stumble into the next step until now. Jonghyun confessed that he loved Gwiboons everything. Her full s, her s that would harden from his touch, her clouded eyes as he kissed her and her plush lips. He loved her. Her body. Her. He loved a woman. 

Something Kibum wasn’t. Something Kibum would never be. 

The dream ended.

00:02:55PM
April 5th 2015

He wipes his eyes, a warm tear streaking down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I promised I wouldn’t cry.” He sniffs, swallowing and clearing his throat before he spoke again. “There was this guy….I’ll just call him ‘Jong’…” He swallows for a second time, letting out a heavy breath. “Jong…he is my everything, I love him.” He laughs bitterly to himself. “If I were born a woman, what would it change?” He throws the question back at himself, finally answering. “It would change everything, because then I could have him…if I were Gwiboon—a woman—Jong could love me.” There was silence as he stared into the camera, his expression twisting into a deep set frown, he covers his face in his hands and he sobs. The sounds a broken cry spilling from his heart like black ink. “If I had a full figure, if I had s, if my voice wasn’t deep, if I weren’t me—“ He hiccups. “If Kibum were Gwiboon….then…”

“Kibum you look best when you’re smiling.”

“What the hell, Bummie?!”

“Shut-up, you laugh too loud.”

He wipes furiously at his eyes, scratching the tears away, trying to rid himself of Jonghyuns voice. “If I were born a woman…there would be a chance of him loving me, but since I’m not…” He looks up, staring straight into the camera—broken, he was broken. “There’s not a single ing chance of him looking my way.” He curses, rising from his seat and shutting the camera off. 

00:03:12PM
April 6th 2015

The camera blinks on and Kibum once again sits down in front of it. “I decided to record again…” He trails off thinking back to his breakdown yesterday. “Sorry…I was emotional the other day.” He laughs quietly, flipping his bangs back. There were black circles resting under his eyes. “I don’t dislike the fact that I’m male, it’s who I am. I don’t detest women because they’re women…I envy them.” He looks out towards the window, sunlight was leaking through, splintering around his bedroom. “I’ve thought about a change…isn’t that ridiculous.” He laughs aloud, resting his fingers in his hair. “But I won’t do something like that, hell no, I rather try in the body that I am in.” He stares at the camera, silence filling in the air as he peered into the lens. “He’s such a straight , women this, women that—he doesn’t even know what I’m going through….” Kibum smiles sadly at himself. “Maybe I should tell him—make him feel guilty…but that’s the worst kind of relationship.” He sighs. “A relationship built on guilt.”

00:03:05 AM
April 8th 2015

“I couldn’t sleep…” He mumbles, laying down on his bed, holding the camera in his hands. “I had one of those dreams again——it was a ing nightmare.” He shudders. “Pardon my language.” He yawns, resting the camera on his bed side table. “I dreamt that Jong found out, that he found out I loved him—that I wanted to be a woman just so he could reciprocate my feelings…” His hair was tousled, his eyes heavier than before. “His expression…it was…it was scared…” He rubs at his eyes, his voice growing shaking. “He looked scared of me—when I called his name he thought I was someone else. Some thing..” There was now an obvious tremble in his voice. “Jong…Jonghyun…you—don’t fear me, you don’t have to fear me.” He swallows. “I won’t say something to scare you…” He mumbles, cursing himself when he realized he had said his name. “Well, now you all know his name…not like it matters—as if anyone will see this stupid video diary.” He scratches his head. “Wanna hear a late night confession?” He grins, leaning towards the camera so now that it was only his lips. “I’ve been saving myself for him. I haven’t experienced that sensation of making love.” Kibum laughs loudly, his cheeks red. “It’s actually embarrassing to say it aloud…” His gaze shifts to the door. “I’m going to sleep now.” The camera clicks off. 

00:05:32 PM
April 15th 2015

This time there was no chair, Kibum lay on the floor, a glass of water in his hands, the camera resting on the floor as he groaned. “God damn, I feel like ing and I probably look that way too.” But he looked his most beautiful, the bags were gone, his skin was glowing and there was a calm about him. “I told him. I told that straight that I was gay, but I didn’t tell him that I loved him. Hell no.” He sits up, his body swaying slightly. “That face he showed in my dream—that dream in general keeps reappearing—it scares me too…” He sips the water, his lips. “Anyways, when I told him, he seemed genuinely surprised but he mainly just teased me.” Kibum smiles, his cheeks warming. “It’s nice when he teases me…” He sighs. “I sound like an in-love gay don’t I?” He chuckles, rising to his feet and picking up the camera. It shook as he swayed with it. “He told me he’d help in finding me a boyfriend.” He guffaws. “He’s such an idiot. I mean really an idiot. But that’s why I love him…” He smiles softly, clicking the camera off. 

00:12:00 AM
April 20th 2015

The bags were deeper now and his cheeks looked as though they had sunken and his eyes were red. He had been crying. “I can’t sleep, it’s not that late but…” He rubs his nose, glancing at the clock. “Yeah, it’s only midnight, but, I had a nightmare again, it—“ His words were taken over by sobs. “His face, it was so, terrified, I could hear my voice in the distance. ‘Jonghyun, if I were born a woman would you love me?’” Kibum wipes his eyes, holding the camera in his shaky hands. “He had screamed something but it was soundless, his lips forming, but I could hear nothing…I don’t think I wanted to hear anything.” He had stopped crying and now he stared blankly at the camera. “It’s been five days since my last video, I can’t do these things straight in a row…” He extends his hand and something rattles in the distance. “Ignore that—I’ve started relying on pills to get some sleep.” He laughs. “It’s funny though because I’m still up.” He smiles, saying randomly. “I think I’d make a good woman, I mean, to be honest…” He glances around, as if looking for any flies on the wall. “I think my is bigger and better than most women out here in Korea.” He winks, clicking the camera off.

00:05:50 PM
May 25th 2015

Kibum groaned as he spoke into the camera. “I’m tired, I’m tired of agonizing over something I’ll never be. I’m exhausted over loving him, it’s hard.” He coughs, his voice dry, his eyes swollen, cheeks sinking deeper into the recess of his face. “I sleep and I see him, a nightmare, his reaction—his fear. I hate it, I hate it,” He clenches his hair. “Hate it, hate it, HATE IT!” He tugs at his hair. “I don’t want to ing do this anymore.”

00:06:00 AM
May 31st 2015

The camera was tilted on the table, in its range of vision was a collection of white pills, spilled across the table. Kibum sa in the chair, his neck laying across the table, his head rested against his arm and his chest heaved. “I haven’t…been sleeping…much…” His voice was listless, his eyes halfway closed. “I see that face whenever I close my eyes—that terrified face…” His other hand hung loosely at his side. “But right now, after all those pills, I see his smiling face.” Kibum smiles to himself. “It’s such a nice smile. So sweet, so charming…” He hums, his eyes closing. “If I were….born a woman…Jonghyun would you love me?” The silence was his only answer. “I’ve heard of reincarnation, lets hope for the best.” The sun shone against his back, warming him, creating a heavenly glow. “Ya know, I want to be tall, but not taller than you.” Kibum laughs, his eyes closed. “I know how you are about your height.” He sighs, his voice growing weaker. “I want to have s, I want my voice to be sweet so you’ll never be sad.” He smiles. “I know you like soft voices and right now mine’s the exact opposite.” Kibum sighs, suddenly tired. “I think…I’ll be seeing you through new eyes soon.” His voice was faint, wistful, growing fainter. “Mmm, I hope you know that I love you. Maybe, if I were a woman, you would have given me the chance…to openly….ex….press…th….a…t….”

Silence echoed heartbreakingly around the room, the sun glowed against him, shining across his face. His beautiful face. The camera continued to record into the next day and Kibum lay in the same positon, his body still, eyes unfluttering. 

June 20th 2015

“That’s the last recorded video.” Min, a close friend of Kibum says, and Jonghyun stares wide-eyed, a sadness pulsing through his blood, slowly killing him. “That…that can be…no…” She nods, turning the camera off and placing it back in the black bag. “There has to be more!” He jumps up from his seat, his eyes frantic. “I’m sorry…” Min apologizes, her own sadness showing in her voice. Jonghyun falls back into his seat, his knees giving out. “Kibum can’t be—he’s not….”

“Jonghyun, you have to start accepting reality. Kibum’s not com—“

“NO!” He shouts, she flinches back and his voice drops to a mere whisper. “Don’t say that…don’t say that he’s gone….” She says nothing, only bowing her head before exiting the room. He sat in silence, the tears bubbling up in him, he wanted them to fall like an acid and burn him to ash. And then they cascaded down his face. If you were born a woman you wouldn’t be Kibum. You wouldn’t be my friend. And Jonghyun realized his words and the feelings he possessed towards Kibum. The twenty-four year old was merely a best friend. “You’re right Kibum,” He places his face in his hands. “I am a straight .”

There was one more video, a video Jonghyun would never see.

00:07:10 PM
January 2nd 2012

The camera was sleek and shiny, black and new. Kibum was smiling. “I got a new camera!” He announces. “Guess who got it for me?” He flicks out his tongue saying happily. “That Jonghyun….I guess I should make a confession since this is the first video.” He his lips, crossing his legs and then his eyes brighten. “How about a thank you message?” He flashes a peace sign. “I think that’s what I’ll do.” He clears his throat. “Thank you Jonghyun for giving me this very expensive camera.” He smirks. “Thanks for being my friend for how many years? I think it’s been too ing many since I can’t remember.” He throws his hands in the air. “Oh well, thanks for teaching me care, showing to me love…especially to all those women you’re hitting on…” He sighs, mumbling quietly. “Is it okay if I fall in love with you?” It was a question meant to receive no answer. “I’m so gay for you, it’s annoying as hell. And this camera..” He rises to his feet. “Is just—I hate you for buying it, I hate that you give me such gifts but as a mere friend.” He chews on his bottom lip. “You know what you are? I thought of it just now…” He grins, stating confidently. “A straight . Neat huh…...” Kibum ruffles his hair, shaking his head.  “I should record something else, you’d take the camera back if you saw this.” Kibum disappears from the cameras sight and the angle tilts. “Delete, delete.” He murmurs. “Ahah!” His voice was loud, happy in triumph. He steps back in front of the camera, tugging his bangs and lightly slapping his cheeks. “I love my straight .” He smiles. “But my straight loves women.” His smile dips down, but he keeps the glimmer in his eyes before stepping out of the camera and walking behind it. “Well, goodby—“

Video deleted