I smile at them and laugh along with them, internally wincing at how artificial it sounds. My face is frozen in a smile, but tears are threatening to escape. I cast a glance around the table. 

     Why don’t you see me?

     Dinner passes- a blur of laughter and brightness, a leaf being swept along by the swirling current of time. The festive mood carries on into the van; even the manager snickers at Woohyun’s cheesy aegyo. Everybody bursts into laughter, startling me out of my daze, when Dongwoo trips while getting out of the car. Quickly, I arrange my features into a ghost of a smile, hoping nobody had seen my mistake. No one did.

     I make my way into our apartment as fast as I can without seeming suspicious. My chest tightens, pain blooming into existence at the center. Right. I’m not supposed to stress, but that’s all I can do, thinking about how bad the kids’ hangovers will be the next day. I ignore the constant stabs of pain and make sure everyone is inside before locking the door and coaxing them to get ready for bed. Somehow, I manage to convince them all to wash their faces and brush their teeth even though all they want to do is collapse into their mattresses.

     Tiredly, I rub a hand over my face. Following my own advice, I prepare to go to bed, but when I reach for the doorknob of my room, my shared room with Sungyeol and Myungsoo, I pause. From behind the door, I can hear whispers and the sound of shared kisses. My heartbeat quickens and tears burn at my eyes. Of course. The two of them have never tried to hide their relationship, although sometimes, I wish they did. Then I wouldn’t have to see the man I had loved since before our debut acting so loving with another man, a better man than me. I know that the choding will never see me in the same way, but I’ve always been told that there is no point in dreaming if I don't dream big. 

     I turn on my heel, heading back to the living room. I hesitate next to the kitchen, unsure if I should be doing this, but eventually, the insecurity of my thoughts drives my toward a small cabinet containing a hidden stash of liquor. I pull out a bottle of red wine, choosing to forgo the wineglass and drinking directly from the bottle instead. The first sip I take is small, full of guilt, knowing how our manager would scold me tomorrow for being irresponsible.

     Let me be selfish for just one night. For just tonight, let me be imperfect, irresponsible.

     After that, there is no hesitation. I practically chug the bottle, enjoying the burn of the alcohol in my throat. Before long, the bottle sitting in front of me on the cold stone counter is empty, but far from being tipsy, my mind continues to churn up unwanted thoughts. The pain in my chest increases, feeling as though there is a cold knife inbetween my ribs. My self-deprecation and self-loathing continues. Why couldn’t I be handsome and a good actor like Myungsoo? Confident and greasy like Woohyun? A good dancer, rapper, or better singer? Or cuter? Would that have made him notice me? 
     
     But the answer that comes to mind just twists the knife further into the wound. No. Because it would still be me, Sunggyu. Flawed, weak Sunggyu.

     My breath comes in short gasps and black spots encroach upon my vision. There’s a pounding in my head that was not there before. The knife is pulled out only to be pushed back in slowly, drawing out and amplifying the pain.

     I stumble into the hall and feel around blindly for the bathroom, yanking it open and slamming it behind me. Frantically, I shuffle through the shelf, knocking things over in my search. I finally seize the painkillers, hastily twisting the cap open. I hesitate in pouring out the pills. Should I just end it all? But I had given up everything, given up my family to chase this dream. I hear a thump and a muffled moan come from the next room over. My stomach twists. 

     I don’t want to be invisible anymore.

With that thought in mind, I pour a handful of pills into my palm and swallow them all.