[Jessica's POV]

I'm not exactly sure how ready I am to go through with this. At the time that this was all planned, it seemed so far away and distant, unimaginable even. There were a few occasions where I sat at home alone, wasting copious amounts of time trying to picture myself in this exact moment.

I thought about how I'd feel once I reached this doorstep.
I thought about how long it would take me to find the courage to knock at this door.
I thought about how I'd talk myself out of running away from her again.
I thought about how I'd enter the house.
I thought about how I'd go about greeting her.
I thought about how she'd react to me.
I thought about how she'd look.
I wondered if she'd let me hold her again.

It didnt seem like any of this would become a reality. This day would only ever be a daydream. Something to pass the time thinking about. 
Everyday I'd expect the call from my mom saying the whole thing was off and she no longer needed me to help her. Even worse, maybe she'd become incredibly angry once my mom gave her the news about my visit and completely reject the whole idea. 

Completely reject me.

There always seems to be some interfering force driving us apart. There has been our whole lives, so what's the use in getting my hopes up this time?
But that call never came. So here I am on this doorstep and there she is behind this door.

Its been 3 years, 6 months, and 8 days since I've last seen her face to face. This is of course excluding the video chats we have every now and then.  But that's different. That's not really her. It's become so much easier to detach myself from the pixelated version of her. There's control when I talk to her through a computer screen it seems. I can choose when I look at her face and I can choose when to make it go away. I can choose when I hear her voice and I can choose when to silence it. I guess I can admit that it was the genuine fear of losing self-control and getting lost in obsession that caused me to continuously brush this day off. Seeing her in the flesh is a whole other story. A battle that brings me inevitable defeat. I become powerless to her face. I become weak at her voice.

I was given a month to prepare for this day and it definitely was not enough. Another 3 years, 6 months, and 8 days would have not been enough.

My heart is beating furiously...

My anxiety is increasing...

and so is my nausea...

I want to run...

Oh god, I'm going to be sick...

I take one last deep breath...

I knock.