By the bright light through his curtain, Seunghyun knows it’s already a new day. But whether it’s a morning or an afternoon, he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter to him anymore. He’s sitting on his bed, back supported by a pillow against the headboard. He stares blankly at the glass door that leads to his balcony; it is slightly ajar to let the fresh air in. It must be his mother, he thought. He would rather have the door closed and the blackout curtain drawn, creating his own dark cave. But his mother would come into his room to check on him every morning with a tray of breakfast in her hands. She would put the tray on his dressing table, wake him up if he’s not already awake, and open the curtain and the glass door. Sometimes, she would pick his outfit when he’s in the shower and put them on his made bed. It felt like a burden at first. But after a while, after a little over three months, Seunghyun just goes with it. It’s the least that he could do to make his mother worry less.

He couldn’t see clearly through the thin white curtain, but he could make out a couple of birds perched onto the railing of his balcony, chirping gleefully like nothing is wrong in this world, like things are perfect. Seunghyun snorts. Nature should just stop mocking him and trying to cheer him up. It’s not working and it’s not gonna work. But through all these, he found a new favorite; he loves it when the wind comes blowing in, pushing the curtain gently. The hisses of the wind against the hems of the curtains flapping quietly somehow calm him down. He often forgets that there’s a chaos going on in his head until a puff of wind blows through the opened door and made him feel lighter. Seunghyun closes his eyes and inhales deeply as the wind invades the space of his room, bringing in the scent of warm, fallen maple leaves scattered around the compound of the residence.

There were knocks on the door but Seunghyun was unfazed; eyes still closed, he leans back even more comfortably against the pillow.

“Seunghyun?” His mother called out softly from the other side of the door. “It’s me.”

He opens his eyes slowly and back to staring at the glass door blankly. He sighs.

“I’m coming in.” There was a pause before she continued. “I um..I brought someone here. I hope you’re decent, we’re coming in.”

Seunghyun blinked once, still staring out the curtains. The door opens slowly and his mother walked in, inviting the other person in as well.

“Seunghyun,” his mother waited for him to turn to them before she continued. “This is my friend, Dr. Yoo. She’s here…,” she paused when Seunghyun looked up at her. “She’s here to help.”

Seunghyun huffs a weak laugh, turning his head and looks back at the glass door. “I don’t need help, Ma.” He said, without acknowledging or addressing the doctor.

This is not the first time his mother brought home a help. The first time was around a month after the unfortunate incident. But that session didn’t end well; it lasted for merely ten minutes before Seunghyun broke down and started yelling at the doctor, asking him to leave his room and slammed the door in the man’s face.

His mom rounded the bed and sat on the edge of it, facing him. She took his hand and squeezed it tenderly. “Seunghyun,” she reached out and pulled up his face by his chin. “Please.”

This is his ultimate weakness; his mother pleading with hopeful eyes. Seunghyun could feel his eyes are welling up in tears. He knows that he’s probably being selfish right now. He’s not the only one miserable at the moment.

“I can’t just sit around and watch and let you be like this. Let me try and do something to help you. I know it’s hard. Believe me, I know. But you can’t keep everything inside. It’s gonna be too much to hold in and someday you’re gonna explode.” She ducks her head to look at her son in his eyes. “If that happen,” she pointed a finger on Seunghyun’s chest where his heart is. “Here is where it’s gonna hurt the most.”

Seunghyun took his mother’s hands and wrapped them in his, gently squeezing them. He can’t refuse his mother when she’s so hopeful like this. Although she tries to hide it with a smile, the sadness in her eyes is still so obvious. Seunghyun kissed the back of his mother’s hand and whispered, “Okay.” He’s doing this for his mother.

His mother smiled and kissed his forehead. “Thank you.” And then she turns to the doctor. “Please. Come have a sit here.” She gestured to the armchair next to Seunghyun’s bed. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” She turns to Seunghyun. “I’ll be just downstairs if you need me.” Seunghyun is a grown man, but to his mother, he’s always a baby.

The doctor starts as soon as the door closes behind his mother. “Hello, Seunghyun. I’m Dr. Yoo. I’m a friend of your mother. And a counselor.”

“You’re a shrink.” Seunghyun spat.

“I’d prefer counselor or therapist. The term ‘shrink’ scares people sometimes. It sounds like something’s wrong.”

“Well don’t you think something is wrong with me?”

“No, absolutely no. It’s perfectly normal for human beings to grieve and we tend to shut people out because we think no one understands what we’re going through.”

“So, you’ve been through something like this?”

The doctor paused for a moment, humming while carefully looking for the right word to say. “Well, I don’t have any experience of losing-”

“So you don’t understand. You don’t know how it feels.”

It was silence for almost a full minute before the doctor started again. “Seunghyun, I do what I do now because I wish I had someone to turn to when I was grieving over my parents. I lost them when I was only ten and there were adults everywhere making decisions for me that I didn’t have a say in at all. I was a bubbly kid, but I turned into an introvert after I became an orphan. I talked less and avoided interactions with people as best I can. Until years later, the orphanage that I was living in brought a counselor to talk to me. She is the sole reason I got back up on my feet and regained my confidence, my self. She is also the reason behind my determination to become a counselor myself and help people get through tough times in their lives, because it is possible to move on.”

Seunghyun fiddles with the hem of his shirt.

“I may not have experienced the exact same thing as you, but I did lose the most precious people in my life. I know how it feels, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun couldn’t say anything after that. He’s embarrassed for being judgmental. The doctor obviously went through something even more unbearable.

“Oh…I’m sorry...” He mumbled.

The doctor smiles. “Don’t be. That was almost 40 years ago.”

“I’m still sorry for being rude...”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” She smiles wider, patting Seunghyun’s hands with hers. “Think of me as a friend. Although I may look official with my pantsuit and all but, let’s not make this like a formal session. You can just sit back and talk to me comfortably.”

Seunghyun looks unsure but nods his head anyway.

“Okay.” With the smile still etched on her face, the doctor asked. “Do you mind telling me what happened?”

Seunghyun looks back at the doctor and blinks once and twice. Then he closes his eyes, inhales deeply and let the breath out in a sigh.

“It was last February. We spent the whole day at the studio, working on the new album. It was almost done. It just needed a few screen-throughs and we were tightening up the loose ends. We were very excited that it was finally happening after years of delaying. We felt very good that day. Everything went well and we accomplished everything that we planned to do that day.” Seunghyun swallowed hard, pushing the lump in his throat down.

“Long before we knew, it was already one in the morning. We called it a night and we left in his car. We were still pumped up about the album as we drove along the streets. We talked and laughed as great and stupid ideas kept rolling off our tongues. And then, he felt like having some coffee so we drove thru the 24-hour Starbucks around the corner. I remember feeling completely happy. I can’t remember when was the last time I felt that happy.” Seunghyun paused. A sad curve twitched at the corner of his weak smile.

“After that, we didn’t go straight home though; he wanted some fresh air so we continued strolling in the night with our windows rolled down. Our favorite song was on the radio. The one we used to listen to back in the days. So we sang and rapped along; in silly and goofy ways. He was laughing so hard his ears turned red.”

Seunghyun smiles at remembering the happy face. But soon the smile drops. Seunghyun taps his fingers on the pillow in his lap which the doctor recognizes as a reaction to anxiety. So she wraps her hands around Seunghyun’s trembling ones and encourages him to carry on. Seunghyun let out a shaky breath.

“We stopped at a red light. He was breathless with traces of giggles still evident. It was heartwarming watching him laughing like that. The moment was perfect; there were only us and he was so happy. I love nothing more than making him happy and smiling and laughing. He was animatedly recounting my stupid goofy singing earlier when I just shut him up with a kiss. Even then he was still giggling. And he sighed. It was a blissful sigh. I could tell it was, from the way he was smiling against my lips. He pulled away smiling. And after a moment, he leaned in and hugged me.”

“Thank you for today.” He whispered in my ears.

Of course I hugged him back. “For what? I did nothing.”

I heard him giggled. “I feel so happy today. You make me happy. That’s everything.”

A tear rolled down his cheek and Seunghyun quickly wipe it away. “The light changed so we had to pull away. He flashed me a smile as he put the car into drive and continued driving. And then…”

Seunghyun couldn’t control his tears anymore. The more he wipes them away, the more they come rolling down his eyes. The doctor stood up and proceeds to sit next to him and wraps one comforting arm over his shoulder. Seunghyun is shaking, his breaths stagger as he tries to stop.

“And then,” he swallowed hard, “out of nowhere, we saw a pickup truck came from the left junction. He ran the red light and rammed straight into the driver’s side, straight into Jiyong. We saw the truck’s lights and we panicked. It happened so fast.”

“Holy , Jiyong that truck ran the light and it’s going too fast!”I warned him.

“OH GOD! SEUNGHYUN!” But it was too late.

“The last thing I saw was the look of terror in his eyes. The last thing I heard was his voice screaming my name. The last thing I felt was his arm across my chest, shielding me from the impact. There was a loud crashing sound and then it was quiet and then everything went black.” Seunghyun wipes his tears with the back of his hand, noticing the sleeves of his shirt are all damped now.

“I woke up in the hospital a week later. It’s a miracle how I survived the accident with just broken bones at parts of my body, a few cracked ribs, swollen lips and eyes, and some bruises and scratches. My mom was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. She broke down into tears before she called the nurses and let them know that I’ve gained conscious. The doctors came in to check on my conditions and were pretty satisfied with my progress. Once they leave the room, I looked at my mom expectantly. Without saying a word, she knew what I was asking. And from the solemn look on her face, I knew the answer right away. I cried the entire night. The broken bones were bearable compared to the wrench I felt twisting my heart after knowing that fact.”

“The police were called and they came in to get my statement. There were no other witness of the accident and I am the only one who survived. They need my statement to proceed with the next legal actions. I’m glad that we have sufficient help to figure these things out.” Seunghyun let out a heavy breath before he continued.

“His sister visited me at the hospital the day after. My mom told me that she came to visit me every other day when I was still under. All we did that day was cry. We broke down as soon as we saw each other’s face. I’ve never seen her so broken before. We couldn’t say anything for a good half an hour. We just sat there on the hospital bed, hugging each other and cried our eyes out. After the tears stopped, after we’ve calmed down, she told me about the funeral. How it was private with only family and closest friends. She promised to take me to his grave whenever I’m ready. At first I wished I had been there for my three brothers, but now I’m glad. I’m glad because I don’t have a memory of his funeral.”

“The police wrapped up the investigation soon after. We, my family and his, were gathered in my hospital room for the briefing because I was still immobile. I don’t remember each detail, but one fact hit me like a thunder; the driver was drunk. We were hit by a drunk driver. We were happily minding our own business and were having the time of our lives and this reckless bastard took it from us. I was so angry. My blood was boiling. I couldn’t move a muscle but I felt a strong urge to hit something. Everyone in the room panicked when I started to breathe heavily and moved to leave the bed. They tried to calm me down but I kept struggling to leave. Then I felt my mom hugging me tightly, calling my name in my ear. She rocked me in her arms.”

“Seunghyun, stop. You’re gonna hurt yourself. Stop.” Her voice was soft but she was stern. And she was crying too.

“He was drunk, Ma. He was drunk. He was drunk and he took Jiyong away from me.”

“My mom continued to coo me and calm me down. It was quiet in my room except for the wails of my cry and the sniffles of the others. I cried harder than I’ve ever cried before and passed out.”

Seunghyun wipes off his tears with a tissue that the doctor handed him.

“Thanks. I’m sorry about this,” he gestured at his face with the tissue in hand.

“Hey, don’t be. Just let it out. I’m here to help, remember?” She gave Seunghyun a few minutes to gather himself back together and moved to sit back into the armchair.

“Look, doctor. I know that you’re here to tell me that it’s time for me to move on.” He looked at the doctor almost challengingly. “But do I have to? What if I don’t wanna move on? Is it wrong?”

“Whatever you decide for yourself, for you, could never be wrong. But you have all this amazing potentials in you. It would be such a waste to give it up.”

Seunghyun scoffs. “Potentials. If it wasn’t for Jiyong, no one would ever know all of these potentials that I have. He brought out the best in me.”

“Then I’m sure Jiyong wouldn’t want you be like this. He would want you to move forward. He would want you to be happy.”

Seunghyun shook his head. “Doctor, please. Please don’t say things like that. You don’t know him and you don’t know what he wanted.”

“Yes, I understand. But I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be helpless and hopeless like this either. Do you think he would be happy?”

Seunghyun didn’t know how to respond to that. Deep down, he knows the doctor was right. Of course Jiyong wouldn’t like this. He would hate this. He can’t be sad and mopey forever. Where is this gonna take him? What is this gonna make him?

He looks down at his hands, fiddling with his fingernails. “But I’m not ready. I need time.”

“Hey, come on, look at me.” She waited until Seunghyun looks up. “I’m going to help you get ready. You can’t move on immediately. Nobody can. Of course you need time. And you can start little by little. Baby steps.” She smiled and looked around the room. “One way to start is to maybe rearrange the furniture in this room; change their positions, make the room look and feel different. Or repaint the walls.”

“NO. Nonononono. I won’t change anything in this room. I can change something else, like my routine or something. But not this room.”

The doctor frowned and tilted her head a little. “Why not?”

Seunghyun scrubbed his puffy face with his palms. “Except for the bed, everything else in this room is exactly the way he left it before the accident.”

The doctor gapped. She looked around the room once again. And only now that she notices some things are still in pairs like the towels, the slippers, the robes and even the other side of the bed is made as if someone is gonna come in and sleep in it later. The stuff on the dressing table are clearly divided into two sides. She turned and looked at Seunghyun expectantly, pointing at the dressing table.

“Mine is on the left.”

She looks back at the dressing table; the right side of the dressing table to be exact. There lay a pair of watch and a few bracelets on the table top.

“He always kept his watches in their cases in the walk-in closet. The same for the bracelets. But somehow he left them on the dressing table that morning before we left for the studio. And I just don’t have the heart to move them.”

“Wow..Seunghyun..this is- Wow- This is- I-” And then she noticed a shirt hanging on the wall by the dressing table. “Is that his shirt?”

“Yeah. Well technically, it’s mine but he wore it the day before.”

The doctor looks extremely appalled. “I didn’t know your condition is this serious. Seunghyun-”

“What do you mean by this serious?” Seunghyun was a little offended by the doctor’s words. Does she think I’m crazy?

“All these are not gonna help you to move on. You still keep things like they were three, four months ago. This is not healthy.” The doctor seems scandalized by the findings.

“Excuse me?? Who says I wanna move on? It is still too early anyways!” Seunghyun raised his voice a little. This doctor is stepping way out of line.

“No, Seunghyun. We have to get rid of these things.” She stood up from the chair and walked straight to the hanged shirt. “And this is the first one to go.”

“NO! DON’T TOUCH IT!” Seunghyun yelled. “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT!” He hisses as he shifts to get off of the bed. He’s still not fully recovered, so moving around on his own is quite a challenge.

“I can’t let this continue, Seunghyun.” She grabbed the shirt.

“PUT THE SHIRT BACK. DON’T YOU TOUCH IT! IT STILL SMELLS LIKE HIM. PUT IT BACK!!” Seunghyun fell onto the floor when he attempts to take a step. He growled in pain. “MA! COME IN HERE. MAAA!! PUT IT BACK! MA!!”

The doctor left the room with the shirt in her hands. Seunghyun is a crying mess on the floor, calling for her mother helplessly. He feels everything spins around and his vision darkens. Then he feels that tight hug around his shoulders again. He hears the voice calling his name in his ear again.

“Seunghyun...”

“Ma…” He’s getting weaker.

“Seunghyun…”

“Ma…it’s gone…”

“Seunghyun!” The gentle rock in the comforting arms turned harsh, shaking him as he drifts off.

“Help me, Ma…”

“HYUNG!”

Seunghyun jolted up and felt his entire body shaking like a leaf. He felt something poked the side of his arm. His head snapped to his left.

“You were crying in your sleep. Bad dream?” Jiyong asked with a teasing smile.

“!” Seunghyun cursed, rubbing his face with his hands. “! ! !” He’s still shaking and his heart beats like crazy.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jiyong sat up. He scoots closer, ducking his head to look at Seunghyun’s face. He frowned and began to worry when he notices Seunghyun’s hands are trembling. He took the hands into his. “Seunghyun, it’s okay. It’s just a dream.”

Seunghyun turned to him then. “It was a ing nightmare.”

Jiyong retreat his hands and raised them. “Oops, okay. Sorry.” But he bit on his lower lips to stop himself from smiling because he thought Seunghyun seemed like he’s really bothered by the dream. No, nightmare.

“…” Seunghyun cursed again, burying his face in his hands again.

Jiyong’s shoulders slumped. He placed his hand on Seunghyun’s back and along his spine comfortingly. He reached his other hand out to pull Seunghyun’s hands down. “Let’s go back to sleep, okay. It’s just a dre- a nightmare. Sorry.”

Seunghyun turned his head to face Jiyong. His eyes darted between Jiyong’s and then to rest of his face.

It was kinda awkward and Jiyong couldn’t help but blush. “What?”

Seunghyun leaned forward and kissed him. It was chaste but there was a meaningful press of Seunghyun’s lips that made Jiyong’s heart flutters.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Seunghyun is still staring into Jiyong’s eyes. “You know I love you, right?”

Jiyong perks up and smiles. “You do?”

Seunghyun clicked his tongue at the tease.

Jiyong laughed then, cupping Seunghyun’s face with his hands. His thumbs wipe over the traces of tears on Seunghyun's cheeks. “Of course I do.” He pecks Seunghyun back. “And I, you.”

Seunghyun pulled Jiyong into a hug. Although the younger man is still confused, he just rolls with it. He gave Seunghyun’s back a couple of pats before pulling away.

“Let’s go back to sleep.”

They both shift and move and pulled the cover up to their waists. Jiyong lies on his side and watches as Seunghyun puffs up his pillows and lies next to him.

“Good-”

Jiyong was cut off when Seunghyun scoots closer and snuggles against him. He giggled. “Was there a boogeyman in your nightmare? Do you want me to switch on the main lights?”

Seunghyun huffed and snuggled more into Jiyong’s neck, ignoring the mock by his boyfriend.

“Fine..” Jiyong wraps his arms around Seunghyun and plays with his hair as they drift into sleep.

“It was cute, though.”

Seunghyun groaned. “What was?”

“You were crying and calling for your mom in your nightmare.”

Seunghyun pulled away far enough to throw a glare. But Jiyong just bit his lip and grinned. “Will you tell me about it?”

“No.”

Jiyong clicked his tongue and pulled Seunghyun back into his arms. “Cheap! Now go back to sleep.” He kissed atop of Seunghyun’s head and whispered him good night.

Only god knows how relieved Seunghyun is that he still has Jiyong in his arms to cherish and to hold.

.