note:

this is a crossdressing!AU with Youngjae as

a boy dressing as a girl.

i don't know if that is considered , but

there is some here.

JAEMI is Youngjae's female name, one which Jaebum uses.

happy reading!

Everyday, for the past several months, something violent thumps against Youngjae's chest, harmonized with the beats of his heart.

Sometimes its positive. His chest would vibrate with happiness, overwhelming joy that gives his beam the ability to reach his ears. At other times, his chest would sing with love, as sappy as it may sound. His harsh heartbeats would get lost amidst the hypnotizing symphony thatis Jaebum's laugh.

Sometimes, though, he'd feel guilty. The guilt that envelops his consciousness should be illegal, for the way it makes Youngjae's confidence tumble down is quite pathetic.

☯

This day, it was the latter. Hidden beneath his fond grin was a flashflood of guilt that drowned his senses. His sanity was threatening to crumble and shatter into invisible fragments. Jaebum and his voice were the only one that kept his sanity whole.

"How are you?" Jaebum asked over the screen. His raven black hair covered the majority of his forehead, windswept and tousled, but still a masterpiece.

"Alright, you?" Although it was minute and almost inaudible, Youngjae's voice was faltering throughout his answer.

"Bored." Jaebum sighed, leaning closer to the camera and tapping a few buttons on his laptop.

No coherent or verbal reply was formed behind Youngjae's throat. He could only nod lazily as a reply while burning holes on the screen of his computer.

"You look beautiful." Jaebum stated with a smirk. His eyes held a certain emotion that the naive Youngjae couldn't put a name on.

A blush coated his milky white cheeks as he sheepishly looked down, tucking a strand of sun-dipped hair behind his reddening right ear.  A small smile grew on his lipbalmed lips.

It was probably an exaggeration, but Youngjae still accepted the compliment.

[ Youngjae did look beautiful,

with his afternoon-colored

hair that went down to his

back, and blue fitted shirt.

the natural-looking make-up

he applied earlier that day

embellished his already

magnificent face. ]

"You look handsome, too, Jaebum." Youngjae timidly replied, smiling at Jaebum as if he was the source of all his energy [ which, admittedly, he was. ] 

A breathy chuckle escaped Jaebum's parched lips. Silence, with the exception of the tapping of keys, invaded their atmosphere. 

Well, maybe the beats of Youngjae's frantic heart was loud enough that Jaebum could hear it and their bubble of quietude didn't exist in the first place, but that's quite impossible. 

☯

"I love you." Jaebum stated, a huge smile plastered on his pinkish lips.

They spent hours talking about everything and zoning out on nothings. This was their usual day, letting the night grow old until the peeking sun would destroy it's reign as they babble and speak about anything that would knock on their minds. Their sleeping schedule had been severely damaged, but even if their normal day didn't occur, they'd be sleepless with thoughts of the other keeping them fully awake.

"I love you too, Jaebum oppa." Youngjae replied, reflecting Jaebum's big smile.

Youngjae loves Jaebum. He loves him so much. So much to the point that measuring it would be futile. Youngjae's love for Jaebum was unfathomable, like the depths of the ocean or the vastness of the universe.

"Goodnight." Jaebum tiredly said, before blowing a kiss and winking. The screen turned blank and black and Youngjae's Skype page was turned to the contacts list.

☯

Youngjae writhed around his bed uncomfortably. He stared up at the ceiling, dark and haunting, with itchy eyes that screamed to be rubbed. He did, hands going up to his eyelids and rubbing quickly.

He can't sleep, no matter how much he wanted to. He did whatever he could, drank a glass of milk, jumping jacks, lullabies from Youtube, all of those did not work. 

Maybe it was his culpability that placed a barrier between his upper and lower eyelids that prevented them to meet and close and let Youngjae fall into slumber. Maybe it was the guilt that made him restless and uncomfortable, anxious even. 

Youngjae wants to confess, confess that he is a girl in a man's body. He wants to confess that he isn't a girl, but a boy pretending to be one. He wants to confess, to concede that they are, in fact, members of the same gender.

Although his desires to finally admit and release all the weight placed against his fragile shoulders was very strong, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Youngjae's a self-proclaimed coward, a pathetic fearful boy. 

☯

"Let's meet up." Jaebum said one day. Excitement made his orbs glisten and illuminate more than they usually do, blinding Youngjae for a fraction of a nanosecond. 

"Huh?" A confused sound escaped Youngjae's mouth before he could filter it out. He chuckled awkwardly afterwards, scratching the nape of his neck.

"Come on, let's meet up, babe! It'll be fun, you and me." Jaebum bounced slightly on his seat. His lips twitched up to the brightest grin Youngjae had ever seen, Jaebum's eyes shrinking into two tiny slits, similar to a crescent-shaped moon.

Youngjae was tongue-tied. Speechless. He couldn't say anything, he was afraid to say anything. He didn't want to turn down Jaebum's offer, but at the same time, he didn't want to accept it either. 

"Don't make excuses, babe. You've already turned down at least one million offers from me. Let's go meet up! You can't say no! I'm texting you the details, alright? I love you!" Then the screen darkened, became void and instead showed Youngjae's reflection.

His phone vibrated against the wooden desk. He grabbed it with a shaky hand and unlocked, opening the messsaging app and opening the tab that held their exchange of messages.

[ Jaebummie ; 22:36 ] carnival near the pier, 3 30 pm, see ya there babe! xx 

Youngjae sighed, knowing there was no way out.

☯

Youngjae arrived at exactly 3:30 PM at their rendezvous. There wasn't much people inside the carnival, just a few roaming around the area. The rides weren't open yet, only the stalls and shops. They would open at exactly 5:00 PM.

He sat down at a bench not too far away from the entrance, shoulder bag above his crotch area. He was wearing a sky blue dress that went down barely above his kneecaps, showing off his newly-shaved legs and arms. His make-up wasn't too heavy but not too light, either. Mascara, eyeliner, foundation and lipstick enhancing his beauty. 

Somebody tapped on his shoulder and he surprisedly looked behind him, spotting a very happy Jaebum looking down at him with so much fond it was making Youngjae dizzy. 

"Hi." Youngjae breathed out, eyeing Jaebum up and down. 

If Youngjae's past definition of perfection was that mannequin he saw at the mall with the most elegant outfit draped over it, then it's getting replaced. Jaebum was literally the most handsome man he had ever laid his eyes on, not that there were many handsome men in their province. 

Jaebum looked better under the glaring rays of the afternoon sun. Jaebum looked better with his hair waxed up to a quiff. Jaebum looked better when he's wearing that specific outfit. Jaebum looked better in personal. 

"You're so beautiful." Jaebum said in awe, intertwining his hand with Youngjae. Everything was like a scene coming from a corny chick-flick, but it couldn't be even more perfect than it already was.

As if in a hurry, Jaebum kissed Youngjae. Jaebum's hands went down to Youngjae's waist and wrapped themselves around it. Youngjae's arms knotted behind Jaebum's neck.

It all ended too soon, and in a blink of an eye, they were setting off towards the stalls that offered mini-games like darts and basketball. 

Of course, Jaebum tried [ 50% succeeding ] impressing Youngjae by winning him loads of stuffed animals. He also treated him food, hotdog on a bun and coke, and took a picture as a remembrance. They took two, one with Jaebum's phone and another with Youngjae's.

☯

Before they knew it, the sky was already dark and the Sun was replaced by the moon and stars. The lampposts were , emitting a yellowish-orange light that illuminated the carnival. 

It was time to go. It was already 9:00 PM and the two were already tired [ at least, Youngjae is. ] Jaebum offered to drive Youngjae home and he accepted.

The couple clambered into Jaebum's car, fastening their seatbelts and setting off towards the direction of Youngjae's house. Youngjae put in the address to the GPS, so that they wouldn't get lost. 

"I had fun." Youngjae spoke, slightly louder than the stereo playing a song that was slowly paving it's way towards Youngjae's head. 

"Me too." For a fraction of a second, Jaebum glanced sidewardly and at Youngjae. He smiled, stopping at a red light, "This isn't the last time, right?"

Youngjae shook his head. He wishes it wouldn't be, but destiny's cruel and nobody's spared. As pessimistic and negative as it sounded, it was true. Fate is a supernatural force that has a string attached to every human being stepping on soil, and one pull could either make it or break it for the victim.

Ten minutes and deafening silence later, Jaebum parked the car at the destination. They unbuckled their seatbelts and walked towards the front door.

Youngjae entered the house and so did Jaebum. Jaebum closed the door, walls vibrating at the harshness. Youngjae turned around and looked at Jaebum with concern. 

Jaebum's eyes were dark, something dirty lurking beneath those mesmerizing brown orbs. He slowly sauntered towards Youngjae, a smirk imprinted on his lips.

Youngjae felt his back hit the wall as Jaebum pushed him. Jaebum placed his two hands beside Youngjae's head, cornering him. Youngjae's eyebrows furrowed and his throat acquired a lump that rendered him helpless and speeechless. 

"I've been touching myself too long with the image of you under me , why don't we make it a dream come true?" Jaebum stated, voice several octaves lower. 

Youngjae didn't know what to feel. Youngjae didn't know. No understandable thought visited his mind as the intoxicating scent of Jaebum's perfume tickled his nostrils. Youngjae's heart missed a few beats, then thumped very violently, simultaneously doing the processes. 

Jaebum leaned closer, his lips creating friction with Youngjae's. Shivers ran down Youngjae's spine as Jaebum clutched his buttcheeks.

His hands were dangerously close to his crotch area and--, Youngjae, with all the force and energy stored in his delicate body, pushed Jaebum away, running a shaky hand through his disheveled blonde hair. Jaebum looked at him confusedly.

"What was that?" Jaebum asked, strolling towards Youngjae. 

"I-I can't d-do t-this, Jaeb-bum." Youngjae pitifully stuttered. His throat lacked of dehydration and his knees were barely keeping him upright. 

"Why?" Jaebum questioned again. He stepped closer, reaching a hand towards Youngjae's trembling body. He ran a calloused hand down his bare arm, trying to comfort the smaller boy.

"I-I just can't..." Youngjae muttered. His voice was slowly losing its volume as his head went haywire. 

He wanted to, really. He wanted to feel Jaebum's body on his, he wanted to see Jaebum in his glory, he wanted to hear Jaebum moan with pleasure, he wanted to fulfill his wet dreams and ual fantasies. He wanteed to felt Jaebum's hips gyrate and against his body.

Now's not the time, though. Not when Jaebum didn't have the smallest idea of Youngjae's anatomy, gender and uality. He's afraid that the moment Jaebum would know of Youngjae's true identity, he'd shuffle and leave immediately. He had already imagined and formed pictures in his head regarding the disgust and shame that would cover his attractive features once he would notice Youngjae's body, of what it had and didn't.

However, despite Youngjae's rejection, Jaebum still dived towards the gap between his neck and shoulders and . He the skin, placing hickeys and purplish bruises on his complexion.

An unwanted moan emanated from his lips and made Jaebum go faster. Youngjae pushed again, this time more weakly. He wanted to tell Jaebum on his own, not let Jaebum just discover it by Jaebum accidentally touching his .

"What's the matter?" Jaebum shouted, his distressed voice ringing throughout the empty house. Youngjae was startled, jumping at the sudden loudness of Jaebum's voice.

"N-nothing.." Youngjae lied. His gaze fell down to the floor, in shame or guilt, he didn't know. Tears formed and threatened to fall, but he kept it in.

"Tell me, what's the ing matter?" Jaebum prompted, putting two hands on Youngjae's shoulder. His eyes searched Youngjae's face, searched for something, anything. 

Youngjae shook his head. Jaebum groaned, before kissing Youngjae again. He forced Youngjae's mouth open with his and shoved his tongue inside. Youngjae fought, pushing and pushing fruitlessly. He pushed one more time, as hard as he can, and Jaebum went to the opposite wall of the hallway.

Jaebum ran a hand through his hair, eyes closing in annoyance. He was close to losing his patience and throwing a temper tantrum right at that moment. He just wanted to fulfill his ual cravings and revive his ual life that had been stagnant for too long.

Jaebum was about to kiss him again, but Youngjae placed a hand on his chest.

"J-jaebum, y-you don't want this." Youngjae sniffed, a teardrop smudging his eye-makeup and streaming down his cheeks. He felt pathetic.

"Why wouldn't I? Y-you're beautiful, Jaemi." Jaebum said. Guilt was eating Youngjae inside out and from head to toe. 

"I--uh, I'm--I'm a b-boy." Youngjae whispered, looking up at Jaebum's questioning eyes.

"What?" Jaebum was confused. She's a boy? Jaebum couldn't believe that this beautiful woman is a boy. For months and days, he's been dating a boy and he was clueless about it. Jaebum didn't know what to do with that piece of information. His brain was out of functionality and he felt as if he was drunk.

"I-I'm a boy, Jaebum hyung! I'm Youngjae, not Jaemi, I-I'm sorry." He shouted, at first, but his voice got weaker and softer and more vulnerable. He couldn't bring himself to glance upwards and look Jaebum in the eye. He was afraid it would destroy him, destroy his life and everything.

Jaebum shook his head, no, this can't be, this isn't true. He looked at Youngjae, gaze sketched with disbelief, an unamused smirk on his lips, "Stop joking around, Jaemi."

"I wish I am joking around!" Youngjae screamed, impotent. He broke down, tears demolishing the make-up Youngjae had applied. 

He truly wished he was joking around. He wishes he could be a real girl, not just some gay boy imitating a girl by wearing feminine clothing and acting like a woman. He wishes his relationship with Jaebum could be real, no boundaries and no hesitations. He wishes he could be himself, herself, and live life peacefully as a girl. However, fate is truly and utterly cruel. Nobody, nothing, no one is spared. In the eyes of fate, everyone's a victim. Humans are all just marionettes controlled by the powerful force everybody calls fate.

Jaebum screamed in torment, clutching his hair. He quickly sprinted towards the front door, Youngjae following suit. Their footsteps sounded around the house, the only sound present, besides their screams wails. 

"Please don't leave." Youngjae pleaded, exposed and tender. Tears blurred his vision, but his grip on Jaebum's wrist was vice-like. 

Jaebum looked at Youngjae the last time, remnants and pieces of his pretty Jaemi scattered among those smeared make-up. He shrugged Youngjae's hand away from his wrist and twisted the doorknob, slamming it shut once his body was outside. The frigid night made the hair on his nape stand erect, coldness biting his body as he dashed towards his car. He frantically revved the engine and drove away, with little to no regrets.

Youngjae broke down. His sobs accompanied him inside the empty house. He willed himself not to cry anymore, because just like that one song said, big girls don't cry. Although he wasn't a girl anatomically, he's a girl by heart and that's what matters. 

☯

Whether it was hours, days, or weeks, Youngjae didn't know, but time did pass. Days were spent alone and nights suffered the same tragedy. Youngjae was slowly getting used to the miserable mornings, the lackadaisical afternoons at work, and the languid nights. Thoughts of Jaebum never failed to haunt him at nights; when he's all ready to fall into the abyss of slumber, images of Jaebum and their moments together vividly replays.

His sleeping schedule was unhurriedly getting fixed, too. He'd get eight hours of sleep a day, ten on fortunate and good ones. He still gets sleepless nights. Youngjae realized that even though Jaebum was his dream man, he was a horrible incubus dressed like an alluring fantasy. A man with seductive looks, but always ready to deceit you and turn his back on you at any second.

He was slowly gaining back his happiness. His monochromic vision on moving buildings at buses and public transport was slowly turning into colored ones. It was reminiscent to those times wherein black and white shows were transitioning into wholly dyed scenes. He was slowly gaining his optimistic view, negative opinions turning to positive ones, pessimism reversing into optimism. 

Many people noticed the way Youngjae became basically lifeless, especially the people at work. Before the incident, Youngjae was the source of joy and laughs inside their workspace, bringing smiles to his coworkers' faces with corny jokes. After, though, he came to work with a gloomy cloud above his head, opposing with the brightness of his blonde hair.  He was slowly getting back to his self, though. He would recite a joke once a day, and his coworkers would show support by laughing harder than they usually do.

Moving on was a whole, another story, though. He'd see Jaebum's profile picture on his Skype contacts and he'd hover his cursor over the call button. He tried to press call once, waiting for him to pick up, but after dozens of rings, he gave up. He'd see Jaebum's pictures on social networking sites, with a new girl, and he'd get jealous but would laugh at his patheticness afterwards. He'd scroll down further and would see the statuses and pictures concerning Youngjae, and he'd be longing for a repeat, or another chance to experience those moments again.

Youngjae was slowly becoming Youngjae again, but he's afraid. Afraid that fate would introduce him to another man, and he'd undergo the same torture over again, because fate is cruel and Youngjae is a victim of it's crimes, just like everybody else. 

this crossdressingAU was supposed to be happy and fluffy at the end but look at that, sorta angsty. wow ken, very nice.

anyways. my laptop is broken and so is my heart. so i'm using my cousin's laptop to type this. i don't even know. i'm still heartbroken over the fact that my laptop is broken and it cannot be fixed unless it would be shipped back to japan. ugh. i need some icecream.

enjoy life, people.