Jaebum can’t count the number of times he’s stared out his window at Jinyoung’s, hoping he’ll look, acknowledge him in any sort of way. Jinyoung never looks, not anymore. He used to, back when they were younger, when it was more of a hushed “Jinyoung, sneak out with me,” than a “Please look at me like I still matter.” Not that Jaebum thinks he doesn't matter to Jinyoung, he’ll always matter, but it doesn’t feel like he matters in the way he wants to matter. The way he used to matter, but it’s most likely his own fault. There’s only so many times you can say “Not right now” before it comes out like “I don’t want you to touch me,” which isn’t true in this case, but Jaebum is only human and humans do stupid and regrettable things on a daily basis. Ignoring Jinyoung was probably the stupidest thing Im Jaebum has ever done in his life so far, it's even more stupid than that time he thought he could fly so he jumped out the window and ended up with a broken arm. No matter what Jaebum says, Jinyoung is one of the most important people in his life (maybe even the most important).

— • —

School starts like always, but something doesn't feel right. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or maybe it's how Jinyoung is actually with him today. Jaebum says they're complicated, ignores the whispers that always happen when Jinyoung is with him. He's heard everything there is to say but it doesn't make it feel any less cliche. They're the unofficial on-and-off couple, though it's less breaking up and more of Jinyoung doing whatever it is Jinyoung does, (Jaebum knows— has always known— what Jinyoung does).

"What are you doing after school?" Jinyoung breaks the silence, which helps ease the tension from Jaebum's shoulders.

"Nothing really, why?" Jaebum turns, acknowledges Jinyoung fully.

Jinyoung just shrugs, looking up at him with an easy grin. "Want to hang?" Jaebum finds he's missed that grin, missed how Jinyoung's lips curl naturally and how it always spells out mischief in bold letters.

"Sure." Jaebum wonders what hanging out means to Jinyoung anymore. Does it mean video-games till late into the night, or does it mean fooling around while Jaebum's parents are gone? Maybe it means Jinyoung rattling off about his newest 'friends'. Jaebum hopes it's not the latter. Anything but that.

— • —

"Kiss me, Jaebum." Jaebum thinks he must've misheard Jinyoung, or maybe Jinyoung isn't speaking Korean, maybe he's trying out words in English again, but Jinyoung is grabbing him by the shirt collar, dragging him in close, nose to nose. "Just ing kiss me, Jaebum." Jaebum doesn't reply, just kisses him hard, hates the slight clink of teeth but Jinyoung rights it with ease. It's too perfect to be real, but it is real because Jaebum can feel Jinyoung's hair between his fingers, can taste him on his tongue as he takes more and more, devours Jinyoung like he's always wanted. There's a voice in the back of his head that keeps whispering "Don't get hurt" but Jaebum knows he's already gotten hurt. He's just hoping the next step isn't shattering into millions of pieces: he can glue himself back together, but he won't ever be the same.

— • —

Jaebum can recall the first time he thought of Jinyoung as anything other than a friend. He was thirteen. Yes, thirteen. Thirteen is hard enough when you’re not having wet dreams about someone who really resembles your best friend. Jaebum wonders why he couldn’t have just formed a crush on one of Jinyoung’s sisters. That would easier and a lot less painful. Jaebum almost prays that he’ll wake up the next morning and be in love with Jinyoung’s sisters. Even his mom is better than this, because this is so taboo.

— • —

"Why do you keep going back?" Mark asks, soft, hesitant.
 

Jaebum doesn't flinch this time, just shrugs his shoulders tiredly, "Something always brings me back to him. We take 'breaks', but it doesn't last long. I always go back." Mark looks to Jackson, needs some other kind of input, but Jackson just shrugs. It’s never been their business, but Mark wants to do something because Jaebum is falling apart and Jinyoung is receding deep into himself.

“Do you, like...love him?” Jackson asks, cheeks puffed up as he looks anywhere but at Mark.

“Jackson!” Mark scolds, covering his face with his hand.

“What?” Jackson crosses his arms. “Isn’t this what you wanted me to do? I’m adding in. Also, I actually kind of really want to know.” They both turn to Jaebum, Mark in fear and Jackson in pure curiosity.

— • —

Jaebum thinks loving Jinyoung is like drowning but without the struggle. He feels held down but not bound or chained, stuck in a rut that is Park Jinyoung. There are times where Jaebum wonders what he’s doing with his life; it’s high school, he can do and be whatever he wants, but yet he’s limiting himself to the air around Jinyoung. He tries to think of other people he knows: Mark, Jackson, Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom, but Jinyoung still slithers his way up the ladder and lands himself on top with a shiny crown. It’s not really love, he tries to tell himself one night, staring into the dark, emptiness of Jinyoung’s room, it’s lust. Affection, maybe, but it’s not real love. It never works: Jaebum always ends up repeating “I love him” over and over until it sounds less like words and more like noises that lull him to a dreamless sleep.

— • —

Jaebum wonders what he’d do without Jinyoung. Ironically, it’s not a frequent thought but something he only lets himself ponder in the dead of night after one of their worse days. It leaves him fragile- lost and confused in a sea of emotions. It tugs at his stomach, leaves him sick and remorseful. It’s not his fault but it’s not Jinyoung’s fault either. They both cause this to happen: Jaebum is weak and desperate, and Jinyoung is lonely and manipulative. They’re toxic and Jaebum doesn’t get why it never makes sense to Jinyoung, to even himself because he knows, but he doesn’t stop it. You can only think things will get better so many times before you realise it’s hopeless. Jaebum is finding himself more hopeless than ever, but Jinyoung still drags him to the depths of the sea.

— • —

The first time they it’s heart wrenching, but only for Jaebum. Jinyoung s down on him relentlessly, seeks only pleasure, while Jaebum watches in mild horror. This isn’t what he wanted their first time to be like. There’s a scene that plays in his head; Jinyoung is shy, beautiful in his natural glow, as he kisses Jaebum. They move slow, together, like they’re one being, to Jaebum’s bed. Jaebum lays him down, takes his time with each slow, searing kiss to Jinyoung’s skin, leaves Jinyoung breathless. “More,” is trapped on Jinyoung’s tongue, unsure if it’s okay, but Jaebum complies, explores Jinyoung’s body like the work of art it is. He swallows each new detail, catalogues every sensitive spot, lets Jinyoung drown in pleasure before he’s gasping for air.
 

This is not that. This is so far from the dreams Jaebum used to hate waking from.  

— • —

Jaebum hates parties. Jaebum has always hated parties- no, that’s a lie. Jaebum has only hated parties since he started dating Jinyoung. He hates parties because parties are traps for Jinyoung to rub whatever fling he’s currently with in Jaebum’s face. First, it was a pretty girl with hair dyed blonde; then, a boy with ugly green hair, but it kept going, on and on. Jaebum thinks he’s only aware of half of Jinyoung’s lovers, if even that. It’s okay, though, Jaebum stopped caring a long time ago. Jaebum only drinks the free booze handed to him and then goes home to stare at his ceiling, vent all his hatred out in angry tears that dribble down, leaving his cheeks and neck wet till he sucumbs to sleep. Jaebum doesn’t hate Jinyoung; he hates what Jinyoung has become.