Reaching out and catching a snow flake he sighed one more time while watching it melt in the palm of his hand.... He blinked and tried to feel the flake but all he felt was the cold wetness it left behind while melting. Lowering his arm he looked around; the streets and all the houses were covered in snow. From where he was sitting he could see a small café on the other side of the road and hear the small tingling sound of the bell every time a person went in or out. The smell of coffee made Jonghyun shiver all of a sudden. He wasn’t sure if it was from the cold anymore.. Tugging the ends of his jacket together tighter around his body, Jonghyun got up from the bench he was sitting on.  He walked down the street with the cold air hitting his face... He saw the people walking past him shivering and trying to cover themselves up, desperately trying to feel the warmth. Well Jonghyun was feeling cold too .. but on the inside.. He was once desperately seeking warmth too.. Now he is so frozen on the inside that no warmth can melt him..

Once Jonghyun reached his small apartment, he removed his jacket and sat down on the couch hugging his knees closer and stared at the opposite wall.. Soon his vision blurred, hot streams of tears stained his face.. It has become a daily thing for Jonghyun now.. Crying is the only thing he does, sitting there enclosed by four walls. He doesn’t even have to make an effort, they just flow.. He never sobbed though.. It was just a silent weeping.. Sometimes he felt like that the warmth of those tears were telling him he was still alive.. He didn’t feel the pain in his heart that he once felt, which he wanted to end so desperately.. Which felt like a thousand knives stabbing his heart all at once..  Now he is all numb to it! He doesn’t feel anything.. He still feels that vacuum inside him.. The part of him which will never come back.. The walls around his heart built so high, he himself can’t break through even if he wanted to..

He sat there frozen as the memories of the past haunted him again like any other day... It was like a personal movie that Jonghyun’s mind made for itself and played it every night... Making him burn in guilt and drown in grief.. Making him want to go back and re-live each and every moment and change some moments if he could.. Everybody says forgetfulness is god’s greatest gifts!! And as time goes by every wound heals.. But for Jonghyun nothing worked!! The wound just kept getting deeper and deeper with each and every passing day…..

Sighing again for the nth time he curled up on his couch and let the memories swallow him up like he always does.. Cause that’s the only way he gets to sleep….

*flashback*

Just like any other day Jonghyun was there again, sitting at his favorite spot inside the small café 4 blocks down from his apartment.. And just like any other day there was a different girl sitting facing him and giving him the gooey eyes, giggling and blushing at him.. The boy handsomely winked and smirked at her.. To Jonghyun relationships never got deeper.. He would keep them as long as both the parties were happy and if it didn’t work then he would just say “asta la vista” and move on.. He never wears his heart on his sleeve.. No matter how many guys or girls he dated none of them succeeded in keeping his heart.. It was never that hard for him to move on as it is for the other party because when in a relationship he would give his all and that makes him a keeper..

“Two cappuccinos and a slice of apple pie for the beauty here please...” Jonghyun shouted out the order to the boy at the counter who scowled at him bitterly..

Jonghyun just chuckled to himself. The smell of coffee hit him, inhaling the scent, indulging himself in it. He loved this café for 2 reasons: One, they made excellent coffee.. And two….

“Yah.. Next time get your lazy up to the counter and get your order arasseo?”, A blond haired boy who is older than Jonghyun by an year whispered through gritted teeth, shoving the order onto the table begrudgingly..

“Ohh Jinki-hyung!! You know you love me!”, Jonghyun used his puppy-eyed aegyo on the older, making him gag and blush at the awkwardness of the situation..

He stumbled his way back to the counter leaving Jonghyun smiling to himself.. Well there is the second reason he loved the café.. Jinki is Jonghyun’s one and only best friend and he just loved to annoy that boy so much.. He was just so cute when he is flustered and Jonghyun can’t help it.. They met when Jonghyun first moved to Seoul after his parents died a few years ago.. Back then Seoul was like an alienated city because it was way different from where he used to stay.. He met Jinki in the same café and they became friends soon and of course Jinki was kind enough to take the younger in..

The way Jonghyun got adapted to Seoul surprised Jinki often.. Jonghyun knew it because every time he got a guy or girl home there would be this very surprised look on Jinki’s face.. Sometimes he would also see hurt... Jonghyun just brushed it off thinking it’s just his drunken haze playing games on him... No matter how spoiled he acted Jinki never said a word.. That doesn’t mean he didn’t care because at the end of the day when Jonghyun would come home all drunk he would be the one to take care of him and put him to sleep..

Jonghyun was always grateful towards his friend… Even though he may seem playful and flamboyant outside, he has a weak and emotional side to him which he didn’t want to show to anyone.. He felt as if people would take advantage of that side of him and even worse pity him.. He didn’t want that.. That is the sole reason he wears that mask of the playboy.. He would have his bad days too like anybody else when he couldn’t hold it back anymore and that is when he indulges himself in alcohol.. He knows it’s only a temporary escape but he needed it once in a while.. Even though he drank, he made sure it was within his limits because he didn’t want to do anything stupid and cause Jinki more trouble as it is now..

It was one of those days again and this time he crossed his limit.. In every way..

He entered the apartment both Jinki and he shared.. His vision blurring the sight of the warm cozy living room.. Struggling to keep his balance he made his way towards the couch, plopping down on it.. He leaned his head back and sighed.. He felt the cushion dip beside him. He tilted his head towards the side to see Jinki sitting sideways staring at him.. Jonghyun could see an uncut birthday cake on top of the center table, it hit him all of sudden that it was Jinki’s birthday and he felt guilty.. Jinki never celebrated his birthday.. One, because when he was young he couldn’t afford it.. Jinki’s parents left him with his grandma when he was 5 because they couldn’t afford to raise him.. Not that his grandma was any better.. She worked to clothe and feed Jinki.. Jinki was content in what he had and never asked for more.. But once he grew and his grandma became old, he decided to move to Seoul to support his grandma and her medical expenses.. After coming to Seoul he didn’t find any reason to celebrate his birthday too.. Until Jonghyun came along.. Jonghyun insisted they celebrate his birthday, just the two of them.. Jinki is not as good with people, like Jonghyun is.. He is often clumsy and awkward around them..

Jonghyun knew that so he would always dedicate that entire day to just the both of them to hangout.. Jinki just seemed so happy after the first celebration of his birthday with Jonghyun that Jonghyun promised he would celebrate all Jinki’s birthday with him..

“So you celebrated my birthday all by yourself huh? Again?”, Jinki asked, clearly disappointed.. Jonghyun sat up and hid his face in his hands and groaned.. He felt bad.. He felt guilty and all this was giving him a headache.. It was the 2^nd year in a row that Jonghyun missed Jinki’s birthday.. He kicked himself mentally.. He felt a hand on his shoulder.. He looked up.. Jinki softly smiled and massaged his shoulder.. “It’s okay Jjong.. Don’t beat yourself up.. I will get you something warm to drink and you can go to sleep”, Jinki got up from the couch and was about to leave when Jonghyun yanked him back onto the couch.. “You.. s-stay.. I’m..s-sorry.. Okay? I didn’t mean to.. I really am sorry”, Jonghyun said shaking his head trying to clear his drunken haze.. When he looked back at Jinki, he had his face turned away from him and he saw a lonely tear drop down his cheek.. “H-Heyyy.. “ The younger cooed softly; Jonghyun’s heart melted at the sight.. when Jinki looked back at him and smiled sadly he knew he just broke his heart..

 Jonghyun’s hand automatically wiped away the tear from Jinki’s eye which threatened to fall.. Jonghyun’s hand stayed there; his fingers drew lazy circles on Jinki’s cheek.. It’s the first time he noticed how handsome Jinki was.. His blonde hair perfectly framed his face, the little bangs that covered his small eyes which now twinkled moistly with tears.. His skin glowed in the warm light from the fireplace.. His lips which always held a smile with ease were now trembling trying to keep it up..

The hand on his cheek slid down to hold Jinki’s jaw and his thumb made its way to Jinki’s trembling lips.. just as soon as he touched them the trembling stopped and Jinki’s lips parted in a gasp, surprising Jonghyun too.. When Jonghyun looked up he saw Jinki’s cheeks dusted with a pleasant color of pink and his eyes were as big as that of a deer caught in head lights.. He looked so beautiful in the younger’s eyes..

“Jinki… I’m so sorry.. I just.. “ he sighed “Happy birthday..” Jonghyun didn’t even know he leaned in close until he could feel his hyung’s unsteady breath on his face and he could hear both his and Jinki’s loud heartbeat.. Jonghyun never felt this nervous with anyone before.. It was so obvious for him even though he was drunk.. He never felt the butterflies before that he was feeling at the moment… It scared him because it was all foreign..

He was mentally fighting between moving away and leaning in.. Jinki’s delicious looking lips just inches away from his; he noticed Jinki didn’t move away either.. It scared him even more.. It means Jinki wants it.. He decided to put an end to his thoughts and closed the gap between their lips..

As soon as their lips met, Jonghyun knew it’s nothing like he ever felt before… He kissed so many people before and he didn’t feel the spark he felt with Jinki and their lips melded so perfectly together.. The fact that Jinki responded immediately and so passionately made Jonghyun’s heart race.. It was like Jinki was waiting for this moment..  The passionate kiss soon caught fire when Jinki moaned into the younger’s mouth.. Like the fireplace near them, their intimate moment made heat rise in the room.  Clothes came undone faster than light as they melted together letting the fiery passion consume them.

Jonghyun knew all this was wrong..  It wasn’t any crazy one night stand because he saw something in Jinki’s eyes.. Like he was the only one in this whole wide world.. The way Jinki held onto him as if this was all a dream and he would disappear if he let go..

And just like that, Jonghyun’s most dreaded words came out of his hyung’s mouth. As they both reached euphoria Jinki purred “I love you Jjong” Jjong didn’t know how to respond to it.. He knew he felt something greater towards Jinki just than mere friendship but he couldn’t get himself to accept it. “Love” is the most scariest thing for Jonghyun.. Its somehow imprinted in his heart that all the people he loves will eventually leave him one day.. He knows the pain he went through after his parents passed away followed by his most beloved pet, Roo, who died 2 months after his parents died..He promised himself not to love anything or anybody so dearly ever again, there for he said nothing. Right this moment Jinki was messing with his head and it made him angry..

He lay there on the couch with Jinki snuggled against his chest and he knew he was waiting for him to answer or at least some reaction.. But he decided to act as if he was asleep instead.. When Jinki looked up he saw Jonghyun sleeping.. He snuggled back into his chest.. Jonghyun felt the wetness on his chest and he knew Jinki was crying.. “I’m so sorry Jinki” he thought and drifted into sleep to give the whirlwind in his mind a rest…    

The next morning Jonghyun woke up with a very bad headache and severe body pain.. His mind was in a blurry haze.. He realized he was on the couch and was covered in a blanket.. He sat up groaning in pain and the blanket pooled around his waist revealing his torso.. He blinked confused.. He saw a warm cup of tea that Jinki always makes for him for his hangover on the table in front of him.. The realization hit him hard.. “ ..Jjinkiiii.. Oh god!! What have I done..”he groaned in frustration.. He has to talk to Jinki.. right now.. He put on some clothes and hurried to the café..

Just when he was about to enter he saw Taemin, one of Jinki’s best friends and colleagues in the cafe, walking towards him with a sad grin on his face.. He walked out of the café and punched Jonghyun “playfully” hard in the stomach “Congratulations hyung!! Wow I don’t even know   what he sees in you though.. I have been trying to change his mind and turn him my way but nothing worked man!! You better keep him happy or Imma rip your throat out arasseo?” he said the last part through gritted teeth while still keeping that smile on his face.. he took  Jonghyun’s hand and  waved towards Jinki who was inside the café..

Jonghyun scowled bitterly at Taemin and shook his arm free from Taemin’s hold and made his way inside.. He walked straight towards Jinki…

“So.. Umm.. S-should I get you a regular? Go s-sit I will get it for you..” Blushing, Jinki stuttered, trying hard not to look at Jonghyun..

“Listen Hyung.. W-We n-need t-to talk O-okay?? We need to talk about y-yesterday.. Why would you go tell Taemin about it?? I-it’s not like we are dating or something!” Jonghyun burst out.. He was angry.. He doesn’t know if he was angry because Jinki told Taemin or that Taemin reacted the way he did.. He was feeling so many emotions and it was frustrating him.. It’s always easier to dump everything on somebody else.  Jonghyun did the same..

“Y-yeah.. R-right” he saw Jinki’s smile fade away in a second.

He didn’t let that get to him as he continued to break Jinki’s heart in public. “Hyung.. what happened last night was an accident.. Okay? There is no meaning to it… I was just drunk and maybe it was the atmosphere.. I don’t know.. So please don’t misunderstand anything okay? Like wahhh jinja I must have been reallyyy drunk to let that happen”   He stressed.

“What’s going on here??” Taemin interrupted Jonghyun who sighed in frustration..

“Oh here comes your knight in shining armor” Jonghyun wailed in fake happiness..

“Hyung.. Seriously.. What’s going on?” Taemin asked a little more serious now..

“Well.. I am clearing a misunderstanding and not spread the false news to others…  since you are here its better you know too.. Jinki Hyung and I have nothing going on. It all happened because we were drunk.. Like why would I ever date him? He is just a friend..” 

“Okie firstly.. You are being an .. Secondly he never uttered a single word to me.. I found out from that hickey on his neck.. You weren’t so subtle in your love making.. And Jinki hyung is not a kind of person like someone else here to go around sleeping with a random person even when he is drunk” Taemin defended Jinki which pissed off Jonghyun more..

“Oh how do you know? You slept with him before?” Now Jonghyun knew he just went overboard breaking Jinki’s heart into a million pieces but he felt it was better this way.. This way Jinki will hate him and will leave him.. Because he can’t return his feelings.. From the corner of his eyes he saw a lonely tear roll down Jinki’s cheek as he stood there dumbfounded.. His heart sank which made him feel like a jerk but before he did something stupid he stormed out of the café leaving a shattered Jinki behind.

Days seemed to pass by and Jonhgyun never saw Jinki much as JJong always kept himself busy with something and made excuses for coming back home late.. Sometimes after he returned he would find Jinki asleep on the couch probably after waiting for him.. Jinki would still leave those warm hangover teas on the center table with a small note with a warm “Good morning ^-^” on it.. Jonghyun desperately tried to avoid Jinki because he did not want to hurt him more but it looked like Jinki desperately tried to make things go back to the way they were.. But Jonghyun knew it was not possible.. Especially when he knows how Jinki feels about him..

Well the only way he thought would work was to make Jinki hate him and that way it would hurt him less.. and that was the reason behind every answered call and unseen texts from Jinki.. He was becoming weak.. He was becoming weak against his hyung’s never changing love and concern towards him..  Jonghyun started sleeping around with random people he met to overcome the feeling of guilt.. He felt sick in the stomach as Taemin’s words pierced through him like knives.. Maybe he was someone who was not even worth loving.. 

One day as Jonghyun was about to head out again finding an excuse to avoid Jinki he was stopped..

“I can’t take this anymore Jonghyun.. You think I’m stupid enough to not notice you are making excuses to stay away from me?  Th-This silent treatment..I-I can’t take it.. What else do you want from me? I am trying to make things right here..You said what happened between us was nothing and I’m fine with it.. Y-you acting like this makes me feel as if I committed a big crime. P-please Jong don’t do this. You were the only person that stood by me when I had no one to go to.. You brought sunshine to my gloomy life.. we were together through ups and downs all these years.. I need you Jong.. I-I m-mean as a good friend of course..   Can’t we just like you said treat it as a one night stand that happened when we were drunk and move on?” he saw Jinki shiver after he got all that out and Jinki saw that Jong just stood there..

He stood there staring at Jinki as if he was waiting for Jinki to be done with whatever he got to say.. 

He wanted to comfort his hyung.. Tell him its going to be alright but it isn’t going to be..

“P-please say something..” Jinki did not cry this time and it surprised Jonghyun.. Jonghyun decided to put an end to all of this..  Jinki has to know the truth..

“Hyung.. Things are never gonna go back to the way they were okay? Not when I know you love me and that I can’t return your feelings.. I’m sorry but I can’t”

Jinki was taken aback.. “Y-You knew it all along? And you never said anything? Am I not allowed to love you?  Am I so resentful that can’t even stand a glance at me? Is it a crime to love you? ”

“Hyung..that’s not the thing..” Jong tried to go near Jinki to tell him that he was not at fault but Jong is.. Onew flinched and moved away as he saw Jjong trying to reach out for his hand..

“P-Please Jonghyun Don’t tell me anything.. I’m so sorry that I’m not even worth the love that you give away to any random person.. I’m so sorry that I stooped so low in your eyes.. I should have just kept my feelings to myself.. “ Jonghyun knew now that he broke his hyung’s heart beyond repair.. It was killing him but somehow deep down he knew this was the right thing to do..  

The sound of harsh thud of the door brought him back to reality.. He saw that Onew was not in the sight and he decided to leave him alone for now.. Never did Jonghyun realize that he would be the one that would be left alone..

Days passed by and Jonghyun never caught a glance of Jinki at the house because he always locked himself up in his room.. Whenever Jjong was at the café Taemin would say that he went out to get some flour or groceries..

Jjong still got his food on time and there would still be warm tea when he would be suffering with a hangover.. Jjong knew Onew still cared and he just needs some time to get over it..

*~*

Jjong was standing there in his dark room and he couldn’t see anything just the darkness.. All he heard was his heart beating fast anxiously and his breath coming out in little huffs.. That’s when he realized he was running.. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he could see a faint light somewhere in the reachable distance but no matter how far he ran he couldn’t reach it.. Soon he heard something that made him stop in his tracks.. He heard a faint whisper.. saranghae Jonghyun-ah.. He knew that voice very well.. It sounded very familiar.. He tried looking around but he could see nothing.. just a empty dark room.. The light that shined so near but so far away started to fade.. He panicked and began to run towards it but it just disappeared leaving him in this dark lonely empty room with nowhere to go.. He began scream… H-Help.. H-Help meeeee.. Jinki. J-inkiiiii

*~*

Jonghyun woke up clutching his chest with sweat forming on his forehead.. That’s a weird dream.. He thought for a second and glanced around.. He was still home and safe.. And it was still 5:30 in the morning..  When he went to get himself some water he saw that Jinki‘s room door was open.. Jinki rarely leaves his room door open anymore.. Jjong thought he would check on him so he peeked inside and realized he was nowhere to be seen.. He searched the entire house but Jinki wasn’t there.. He tried calling him but there was no response..

He panicked.. He felt like he was in the dream all over again..

He called Taemin to find out what happened to Jinki.. He came to know Jinki went back to his village because his grandma was sick and that Jinki was planning to stay back there and he asked Jjong not to come in search of him..

 It took some time for Jonghyun to process the information that he got from Taemin..

He left me.. H-He left me.. Jinki left me too..

Jonghyun felt his knees would give up so he sat down on the couch and he found a note on the center table..

Jonghyun-ah

Kumavo.. Mianhae..

-Jinki

Those were the only words that Jinki left for him.. Jinki..  J –Jinkii

Jonghyun felt the room spinning around him.. Everything seemed to be spinning around him but he felt so calm.. So numb.. He felt so empty..

How foolish could he be.. He thought he could keep Jinki if he rejected his love but he lost him anyway.. 

Jonghyun wasn’t much of a weeper.. The truth froze him but he did not cry..      

Every passing day seemed like a living hell for him.. He thought he would forget Jinki but it did not seem possible as everything he did reminded him of Jinki.. He stopped going out.. He shut himself out from the world.. But still every corner of the house, every road he took, every sip of coffee he took , every smile he smiled and every frown he made haunted him with Jinki’s memories.

That is when he realized that what he had for Jinki wasn’t just mere friendship.. It was more than that.. Jinki wasn’t just any friend.. he made up for the family he lost, the love of the pet that died, the affection of the hyung he never had, and a true soul mate he could ever have.. It was not possible for a person to feel this much pain because of friend.. It was not possible for a person to feel as if a part of him left him because of a friend..

It hit him.. He loves Jinki.. not as a friend.. His feelings were deeper than that..

That was the day when Jonghyun cried out loud for the first time..

*end of flashback*

Its been 6 years..

After that day Jonghyun tried getting in contact with Jinki but he never could.. Taemin wasn’t much of a help either.. Nobody knows where Jinki is.. For all he knows there isn’t a person who is waiting for him to show up randomly on his doorstep..

Jonghyun started another day with a sigh and took a stroll down his regular path.. He sat down on the bench all snuggled up in his warm clothes.. His face covered by the muffler..

 Inhaling the sweet smell of coffee and cookies coming from the café Jonghyun smiled a little..

He heard a voice yelling “Appa.. Look.. I can skate.. “ he turned around to look and  saw a little girl all dressed in pink.. Her cheeks all red from the cold and her lips pulled up as she giggled happily and skid around in the snow..

“Aigoo.. uri Hye Mi-ah.. Charanhaeeee” her dad picked her up and pecked her on the cheek.. Jonghyun’s eyes went wide when the dad’s face came into vision.. He felt his heart stop as a young lady joined the dad sweetly pecking her family..

Jonghyun got up from where he sat and hid himself behind the pole and watched the happy family.. he felt his vision become blurry.. Jinki.. J- Jinkiii..

His heart ached.. he felt he was being torn apart into pieces.. The pain that he no longer felt came back in tenfold making it hard for him to breathe..

“Eun Soo-ah.. how many times have I told you I don’t like coming here..” Jinki frowned as he glanced at the coffee shop..

Jonghyun only saw the frown but missed the pained expression..

He hates me now..

Jonghyun collapsed on the ground as Jinki and his family walked past him..

He could do nothing but stare at the disappearing figure of Jinki neither could he do anything about the tears that won’t stop..

Saranghae Jinki

He silently whispered even though he knew Jinki couldn’t hear him..

~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter what anyone says True Love happens only once in everybody’s life and not everybody is lucky enough to grab it.. Many things come in anyway.. Some fight them some give up and some don’t try.. Jinki and Jonghyun did find their true love but weren’t lucky enough to grab it.. That does not mean it is the end of the world.. Sometimes staying with people who love us gives us more happiness than staying with someone whom we love..  

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 hopefully u liked this unnie and whoever all read it XD comments are appreciated ♥

until later =]