One word. All it took was one word to break Gyuri.

Fat.

That was what people described her when she grew up.

Fat.

That was what people described her.

Fat.

The word is like poison to her. It’s killing her.

Fat.

She looks down and looks at the weighing scale and saw the numbers that made her heart stop.

45 kgs.

She let out a quiet sob. She regretted eating the cookie her manager gave her. She should have lied when she asked if she has already eaten. She should have just ignored the worried glances her group mates gave her. She shouldn’t have eaten the instant noodles to prove to them that she was eating.

“Gyuri It’s time for dinner” yelled Seungyeon, the person who knew her even more than she did herself, from behind the door.

“I already ate,” She muttered.

She heard Seungyeon sighed, then said, “Gyuri, I’ve been your best friend since we were teenagers. I know when you’re lying. You’re already skinny. Please join us for dinner. It’s been months since you’ve join us for dinner and we miss those days. So please eat something or else I’ll tell your parents that you aren’t eating.”

“You wouldn’t”

“You know I would. Are you coming for dinner or what?” Seungyeon replied with an irritated tone.

Gyuri was quiet for a moment thinking of a way to solve this problem. Suddenly, it hit her.

“Yeah. I will.” She said while looking at the toilet.

There was always another way.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Gyuri was staring at the mirror in the restroom disgustingly. Why is she still fat? Why can’t she be good enough? Why can’t she just be perfect? She can’t was so sick of them telling her that she was too skinny. It was repulsive. Can’t they see that I’m still fat?

She headed to the toilet seat and knelt. She waits for the familiar feeing that she was so used to it by now. It was her routine now.

It’s been three months since she first did IT. It was the one of the best decisions she has ever made in her life. Now, her group mates doesn’t give her those worried looks because she eats with them and her manager doesn’t command her to eat things because she sees that she is eating.

She looks down at the scale and sees the black numbers that makes her sick.

39 kgs.

Still not good enough. She remembers the hateful comments everyone threw at her. She remembered the disapproving looks her manager gave her when she was eating a tube of ice cream to make her feel better about herself after the brutal criticism she heard everyone gave her. She remembers all those little things. It’s not enough. I’m not yet perfect.

She suddenly felt weak. It was as if she couldn’t walk or talk. She suddenly heard a crash. She heard footsteps and banging on the door. She heard screaming and then she felt someone hug her and whisper

“What are you doing to yourself, unnie?” She recognized that voice. It was Hara. What was she doing here? She tried to open her eyes but it only opened for a tiny bit.

She smiled at her.

Then everything went black.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

“She told me in the past that she would never result to purging! How would I know that she would do the very thing she hated?” Seungyeon? I’m sorry. I was weak.

“Why did she do it then?” Hara? What are you doing here? I’m sorry

“She wants to be perfect.” Said Youngji quietly. What kind of leader, am I? Making my members worried

Then they were silent. Gyuri debated with her self if she would open her eyes to let them know that she’s awake or remain still and go back to sleep. She decided on the former.

She opened her eyes and saw her disheveled parents, a pacing Seungyeon and her worried members. She wanted to talk to them. To tell them that she was fine and they don’t need to be worried anymore but she can’t find her voice. All that came out was a small squek.

That got their attention. They ran to her side and embraced her.

“Unnie!! Don’t ever do that to me again!” Said Youngji while she hugged Gyuri. When she let go, she can see tears in her and everyone’s eyes.

“Unnie, we were so worried. When you were just lying there, not moving. And when we saw how skinny you were, we thought you…” Hara trailed off not wanting to say more. Dead. They thought I was going to die.

“Guys, Can I talk to Gyuri for a while,” said Seungyeon. The members were about to protest when she quickly said, “Only for 3 minutes. I promise.” They left reluctantly.

“Gyuri, what the heck are you doing to yourself? Do you want to die? You know that I am always by your side to support you but this is going too far. Look at you, your skin and bones. It’s like you’re a walking corpse waiting to die. From now on, I will be the one in charge of your diet. You will eat the food I will give you and you will not purge” she said angrily while giving Gyuri water to drink.

“You don’t understand I need this.” Gyuri said after drinking the water.

“What don’t I understand? That you want to die because you think you’re fat?”

“Why can’t you just understand, Seungyeon? For the first time in so long, I’m happy. I’m happy that I’m this thin. I’m happy that now people won’t say I’m too fat. I’m happy that I’m almost perfect. I’m sorry I worried you but ”

“YOU ARE NOT HAPPY! If you think this is happiness then you’re dead wrong. This isn’t happiness; this will never make you happy. Being perfect shouldn’t be your goal is but to be happy.”

“But I am”

“NO YOU ARE NOT! This is an illness, Gyuri. A mental illness. Let me help you with it. Let us help you. But you should first accept it”

“Seungyeon, I’m not sick. I’m fine and healthy.”

“DANG IT! Just stop it! Stop fooling yourself. You have an illness! You have a disorder and it almost killed you! And I will not let that happen! So, even if you like it or not, we are going to send you to a rehab center,” A knock was heard and they saw her parents’ faces. “I don’t care if you get angry. I’d rather you get angry with me than you die. I’m sure that you’ll thank me someday,” Seungyeon said then left the room.

“How are you?” her dad asked when he came in and positioned himself beside Gyuri, her mother followed and sat beside him.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry I worried you. How about you? You look hideous. You should go back and get some rest.”

“We love you so much, you know that so we’re begging you to please consider going to the rehabilitation center. We can solve this together. You, me and your mother. And even your friends want to help. So please, please consider it.” Her mom looked at her with pleading eyes and it hurt her to know that everyone was hurting because of her.

“Ok. I’ll do it.” Her parents hugged her tightly and said, “Thank you. We love you so much.”

She hugged them and told them she loved them too.

She tried not to think about the negative her mind is shooting at her at the moment. But there was one word that she couldn’t take out of her mind

Purging.

It made her beautiful.

It made her flawless.

It made her...

PERFECT