warning: major character death.

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"I am home," Kyuhyum announced softly as he dropped his duffel bag near the entrance. Pressing his lips together, he dragged his feet before lying down, sinking his fatigue body onto the white pristine sofa and closed his eyes. It was a punishing schedule but it suited him just fine. He needed it.

A silent sigh. Fingers lightly brushing against the reddish cheeks, courtesy of the chilling winds outside.  "You look tired, baby."

"It was a success, but I am so tired and my voice is scratchy from the continuous performance these past two weeks," Kyuhyun groaned out, his hands massaging his throbbing head, a sign that a massive headache will be coming soon.

As Kyuhyun scooted inwards, he laid down beside him, arms wrapped around his much much slimmer waist. The younger mumbled incoherently while he looked on tenderly.

Kyuhyun's hand d around till they grasped the remote control for the CD player, and he pressed the play button, anticipating somewhat, even when he knew exactly which song would be played. The familiar low timbre of Siwon filled the entire apartment, singing about having found his true love finally before he joined in mouthing his part. It was their first duet as a duo after they pushed hard for it, something they wanted to do before their group were to go on hiatus. A wistful smile adorned his face as he remembered how excited Siwon was when his self - composed song was chosen as the main song.

A hard rap on the door made Kyuhyun popped open his eyes with a start. Unwillingly to leave the warmth of the sofa, he begrudgingly swung open the door before coming face to face with Donghae.

The shorter man walked gingerly past him, dangling the takeout bag of the famous roadside stall "Bet you had not gotten dinner, right?"

Shaking his head, Kyuhyun followed behind him, his bright eyes observing the older man who looked around the apartment, seemingly taking note and disapproving of what he could see. As Siwon's voice continued to croon in the background, Donghae turned to Kyuhyun, concern and pity clear in his eyes.

"Kyu..." He started before Kyuhyun interrupted him.

"Don't, Hae," Kyuhyun took the takeout bag from him and walked quickly into the kitchen, not wanting to hear what the other had to say. It was probably the same thing the other visitors to his house tried to get across.  No. He did not need their pity and advice. 

A tug to his elbow prevented him to proceed further.  "Kyu, he is gone! Siwon is gone. It has already been three years... Why are you doing this?

Taking a deep breath, Kyuhyun spoken through gritted teeth, " I know. I understand and am fully aware of what happened. You don't have to tell me this. He is never coming back. Don't you think I know this?"

I always will come back to you, no matter what. He moved to stand beside his partner, hoping to give him whatever strength he needed.

Stepping closer to Kyuhyun, Donghae placed a comforting hand on the younger man, he knew the other was trying to reign in his emotions, to be strong, to not let others worry about him. "How long are you going to grieve? It is already three years...it is time to move on, Kyu...everyone around you worries. We all do. You work yourself to the bones. You appear as if you have but we know..."

A pause.

"I don't think I will ever stop, Hae. I don't think I can stop grieving for him. I think about him each and every freaking moment of my life. This is the only way I could survive these years, working so hard that I go to sleep once I get home. You know it is my fault...that he is not here," Kyuhyun spoke quietly, as if defeated as his shoulders slumped.

No, Kyuhyun. It is not your fault, baby. He wanted to shout it out, shake those thin shoulders to make him understand. Hae, tell him, it is not his fault.

Ruffling the thick hair, Donghae said measuredly,  knowing how Kyuhyun was still blaming himself after all this time, "Kyu, it was the drunk truck driver who killed him. He was just being Siwon, helping another family in need. He was doing what he would gladly be doing. Buying your favourite Tteokbokki...no one would have guessed..."

"YES! I blame the other family...For having their car to break down and for Siwon to help. I wish he was selfish enough to not go to their aid. But it was ME! I had told him to get me the food...If I did not...," Kyuhyun's eyes flashed with self-admonishment and anger. The hurtful words he kept in his heart came hurtling out, it was as if he was unable to stop them now.

Donghae kept silent, his hand still holding onto Kyuhyun. Outbursts like this just meant the younger man still was not able to forgive himself.

"...then maybe, he would still be with me."

He tried again, this time his voice firm , he needed to get through to Kyuhyun, Siwon would want him to move on. "Kyu, the fact is he is gone. Don't torture yourself like this. Playing his songs, leaving his things around as if he is still living ..."

No, Hae...I am...still around.  I will always be. Watching over him. Till he does not need me anymore.

"But...He is," Kyuhyun said, pointing to his heart, with unshed tears in his eyes, " Always...forever. And this is the only way I could live...when I am in our apartment...when I see his things. It is as if he is still with me. Surrounding me. Yet, the pain when I see them, it is killing me inside somehow. I cannot bear to be in nor out of this house. "

Kyuhyun swept his hands up, urging, trying to convince the other man, as a tear finally made it's way down his left cheek "Don't you feel it, Hae? This...is our sanctuary...He is here...I know he is. He promise not to leave me  and I know he will keep to it. You know sometimes, when it is really quiet and I am about the nod to sleep, I swear I can feel him just next to me. You may think I am delusional...but I am not."

No, you are not delusional, baby. I am here. Always. But I cannot do anything for you except being here. Can you feel actually feel my presence?

Donghae bit his bottom lip as Kyuhyun's pleading eyes stopped him from replying. Clearly the maknae believed in what he just said but wasn't that any telltale sign that he may need professional help to get through this difficult period? It was not easy but everyone was somewhat back to their normal selves after the shocking sudden accident that took away the life of their visual member. Everyone missed him dearly and found their ways to cope. He was sure Siwon would want them to carry on living to their fullest.

As he looked at the hunched figure of Kyuhyun, he understood he hurt the most. His stoic outer appearance and calm way that he carried himself throughout the aftermath of the accident made some thought he did not care. Not until Siwon's will was read out in front of his family members and his closest friends that they knew...that they were in a relationship. Siwon had called Kyuhyun his dearest life partner and it was that endearing term that broke Kyuhyun down.

He recalled the youngest tipping his head down before tears started to fall on the floor. Everyone had turned to him, their hearts being squeezed tight as Kyuhyun apologizes over and over amidst his trembling hands covering his face. They had not meant to keep their relationship a secret, he explained, taking a long time to form coherent sentence before Siwon's father stood in front of him to pull him to his embrace as he softly wailed.

And Kyuhyun never cried anymore after that time. It was as if he recovered but...

"Hae, maybe one day, I will be able to let go but now, this current moment, I can't. I love him. I love him so much and I never got to tell him enough that I do. I still do.  So...please don't tell me to move on. I can't. I can carry on living but I will still love him. Do you understand?" Kyuhyun looked at Donghae, hoping that he could get what he was trying to say. I will only love him. I will only belong to him as he to me…

You silly, silly boy. I love you too. You take your time to grieve but you need to carry on living and find someone...

Nodding his head, Donghae clasped Kyuhyun's shoulders before smiling gently. "You have convinced me. Shall we have our dinner now?"

Where ever you are, Siwon, please take care of Kyuhyun.

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And Siwon continued to watch over Kyuhyun till he took his last breath at the age of 77.

He kept his promise.

He did not leave him

Because Kyuhyun never did find anyone else.

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“Took you long enough, Won.”

“Yes… but I kept my promise, Kyu.”

“Yes, you did. And I kept mine too.”

“Yours?”

“That I will only belong to you.”