<>

2 years later

The Present:

Donghae had not been able to move on after all.

His heart was such a child, it searched for different versions of Hyukjae in people he met and knew. No one came up to a satisfactory standard. He would date, for weeks and then abruptly end everything. His ‘girlfriend’ and the ‘boyfriend’ that followed, would always have the same question:

‘What did I do wrong?’

And Donghae would smile brokenly. They had not done anything wrong.

They were just not Hyukjae.

Donghae knew he needed to stop this, it was foolish, he was being stubborn, no one was waiting in line for him, the man he was still in love with was perhaps-no-certainly living a happy, fulfilled life.

And here was, Donghae, frozen in the state Hyukjae had left him in, or he had left Hyukjae in. Eitherway, Donghae who was now a well-doing man, with a spacious house, luxury cars and even a Butler, who had a rather eccentric personality, could not manage to fill in a certain void. All the material things that he bought out of fancy would amuse him for about a week, then h would loose interest and look around for something else.

As for his dating life, he was slowly losing interest in that too. Donghae’s butler one day presented a strong objection to that.

“Excuse my language sir, but you’re hella good looking. You’re also well-established” he pauses to gesture at the lavishly furnished living room to stress his words “Naturally charismatic and truly a kind soul—

While the Butler continued his speech of praises and sating facts, Donghae could not help but smile as he closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and waiting for the speech to end soon.

It didn’t end soon, so Donghae had to end it.

“Heechul-hyung-nim” Donghae rarely used this manner of addressing the Butler, but the Butler knew what that soft yet assertive tone meant so he gapes, maintains eye contact with Donghae before letting his shoulders slump “Did I ramble?”

“Yes..”

“Sorry”

Donghae laughs softly, enjoying the silence for a bit. They were butler and master but their relationship was more of caring house-mates. Heechul just did all the work and assisted Donghae in business matters.

“So..can I still insist you go to your boss’s farewell party?

“You can but I’m not getting ‘introduced’ to people anymore, okay?” Donghae sets aside the now empty plate “And can I please have more of those double-chocolate brownies?”

Heechul gasps “But wasn’t last time so much fun?! I introduced you to some lovely ladies and-

“You were basically trying to convince them to sleep with me, Chul-ssi~”

Heechul snorts, waving dismissively as he tries to denies “I most certainly was not---ok if you like I can point out  couple of y, free and single men that have clearly been trying to get your attentions—

“Not interested”

“What?? Why?”

“One of them has too big a nose, the other—yeah he had some issue too”

Heechul looks like he’s going to protest strongly-wide eyes and finger raised  (Donghae secretly labeled that as Heechul going into his ‘mother-mode’)-, but the phone rings, much to Donghae’s convenience who grins brightly, nodding to the phone. Heechul suppresses a groan and drags himself to the phone, taking a deep breath so to be able to sound ‘professional’ over the phone.

Donghae lounges lazily in the couch, distractedly listening to Heechul talk with a polished, formal manner. Donghae’s thoughts about how to sneak out a couple more of brownies without Heechul noticing is interrupted when Heechul’s hand appears in front of his face, gently waving the cordless phone in his face. Donghae mouths a ‘who is it’ but only gets the phone almost shoved in his hand. Snickering quietly at Heechul as the Butler moves to the hall leading to the kitchen, Donghae clears his throat

“Hello, this is Donghae”

“Hi you brat” Kangin’s carefree voice has Donghae beaming a wide grin

“Kanginie!”

“Yah! I’m hyung.”

“Whatever, so you and Teukie  and Sungmin are coming over for the weekend right?”

Silence and then Donghae hears Kanging taking a deep breath. “Hyung?..”

“Hae, something bad happened. This weekend we will be seeing each other but it will be at a funeral.”

Donghae snorts, hoping this was one of Knagin’s weird jokes, but something inside has his heart pounding “Wh-who’s funeral..?”

“Hyukjae’s wife passed away.” Is a quite reply and for a minute Donghae’s doesn’t entirely register it, then only a small “oh” escapes his parted lips. Face emotionless, yet those wide eyes hold a hurt emotion.

“It was a tragic accident..she was in surgery for a long time…and never woke up after it. Hyukjae needs us all..will you come?”

Hyukjae needed them all…him.

“Ofcourse I’ll come Hyung…but doesn’t he live in New York?”

Kangin sighs “ Well-informed as always, Hae…yeah, do you think you can apply for a leave? “

“That’s not an issue hyung…Let’s all go on the same flight okay?”

“Hm..i’ll see you at the airport, I’ll have to call you later I’m getting another call”

“It’s okay, you take care, see you.”

Donghae hangs up, simply shakes his head as Heechul brings back a plate of brownies and looks shocked at the rejection. Donghae informs him he was going to bed early.

That night Donghae gets no sleep, but he cries after a long time, with all his heart.

--

It’s a crisp, cold, grey morning. They stand surrounded by people wearing black, in the midst of a graveyard. Donghae let’s out a silent shudder, the wind was sharp enough to hit his spine through his long black coat. He clasps his hands together together, next to Him Kangin gently bumps his elbow, asking if he was alright. Donghae simply nods, a small reassuring look and steps to stand closer to Kangin.

Hyukjae was nowhere to be seen, yet. Donghae had heard something about traffic. Hyukjae’s late wife’s parents were also not present yet. Those few people that were present all looked forlorn, some unable to stop weeping and Donghae finds it hard enough to stand there.

How was he to face Hyukjae? How would Hyukjae react to seeing him? Does Hyukjae even know donghae’s here?

Hyukjae Hyukjae Hyukjae

The sum of Donghae’s thoughts was Hyukjae.

His heart pounded as he picks up a voice, head tilting on its own yet eyes not daring to look up, and he strains his ears.

That voice unmistakably belonged to Hyukjae

The pounding of his heart increases as the low voice, laced with grief, travels up slowly from somewhere behind him. Now it’s not the cold he’s shuddering due to and he feels Kangin’s press up against him. Donghae swallows hard, a moist film comes up in his eyes as he stares at the grassy ground, unknowingly trying to shrink, not wanting to be seen just yet.

He simply was not ready.

“Ah Hyukjae-ah..” he hears Kangin speak and he forgets to exhale, shoulders tight and tensed as he stands there stiffly.

“Hyung…thank you for coming” the voice breaks, and it comes from right behind Donghae.

Donghae swore he felt Hyukjae’s breathe on his nape

Or was it just the wind?

Donghae feels a small nudge from the side, it was kangin, subtly trying to make him move as he replies to Hyukjae “Don’t be stupid, ofcourse I had to be here” the older man then moves to embrace Hyukjae warmly. Donghae’s eyes dart wildly, heart racing uncontrollably as he spots Sunming and Leeteuk walk overfrom the corner of his eye. Just when he tries to silently communicate his state to Sungmin, Hyukjae steps back from the hug.

Donghae could hear himself breathing audibly, his chest was pretty much heaving as he stood, eyes locked with Hyukjae’s and not a word being able to come out.

“Hae..”

Well atleast Hyukjae was able to speak.

That snapped Donghae out of his trance, before he could coherently respond, Sungmin knowingly stepped up and with a small look to Donghae, pulled Hyukjae into his arms, consoling the man and Hyukjae’s eyes left Donghae’s, the face stuffed into Sungmin’s neck.

Atleast now Donghae had some time to get a grip. Kangin squeezed his arm, donghae looked up, nodding and trying to smile and mouths

‘I’m okay’

By the time Sungmin and Leeteuk were done holding and consoling Hyukjae, Donghae found the remarkable strength to offer his hand to Hyukjae, slowly expressing his grief over the loss. What Hyukjae does next probably surprises and shocks all three of their friends, but the most shocked is Donghae when he’s yanked into Hyukjae’s arms, pressed up against the other and held in a hug as Hyukjae wept on Donghae’s shoulder.

--

Donghae rubs at his tearing eyes. The funeral ceremony had ended hours ago and it was near to sunset and here he was stiffly sitting in the corner of Hyukjae’s house. His mind is still processing and calming down from the overwhelming experience of being hugged by Hyukjae like that. Donghae had certainly not expected it. They had hardly spoken, Donghae had later been told that his condolence sounded more like a terrified muttering but that was really pretty much all Donghae had managed to say to Hyukjae. Later on after a small discussion Hyukjae requested his Sungmin and the guys to return to his place for the night. In their haste Kangin had forgotten to double check hotel bookings, so they really had no other choice.

Ofcourse that meant Donghae had to go along too. Here he was getting irritated by the kind of thoughts that were echoing in his mind. Really Hyukjae’s wife had died and the guy was wounded and hurt yet all Donghae’s mind was doing was making Donghae imagine how Hyukjae’s late wife and Hyukjae probably snuggled on the same couch he was stiffly placed on. So Donghae decided that maybe the chilly breeze outside would help, eventhough he was grateful getting to sit by the fireplace and let his skin defrost.

“Hae, are you feeling alright?” the sudden inquiry startles him, he exhales, almost relieved at seeing it was only Sungmin. Then he register’s Sungmin’s somewhat displeased expressions and bites his lower lip, nervous “Yes hyung..why? What’s wrong?” his eyes remain glued to the man as Sungmin proceeds towards him, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder “Yes..and no. You most certainly are not ok, other than that…well come to think of it no one is really ok at this point but—why did you suddenly come inside? We were all out in the garden with Hyuk, trying to make him feel we are all here to share the burden of his grief, yet you just get up and come in here?”

“I-It was getting really cold—

“It’s as cold as it was during the funeral, you didn’t leave then.”

Donghae’s eyes lowered, lips subtly jutting out in a dejected pout as his tone drops an octave “I thought…thought that Hyuk wouldn’t want me out there so I just—

An exasperated sigh from Sungmin has donghae guiltily looking up. “If Hyuk didn’t want you here…he would not have given you a second look, wouldn’t have hugged you like he did and cry out like that on your shoulder.”

Sungmin’s tone was soft yet firm and Donghae found his words echoing in his mind. Frustrated with his stupid jealous thoughts and inability to be in hyukjae’s presence Donghae’s eyes begin welling up with tears yet again, but a little pat from Sungmin has him snapping out of it. “Stupid boy, don’t be like this…come, we were assigned to make dinner for everyone.” Sungmin smiles softly, gently at Donghae’s cheek.

Donghae takes a deep breath, willing to get rid of the mindset he was in, he ends up looking up recipes for dinner.

--

The moment Donghae spills a bowl full of sauce on Hyukjae is the one that removes all sorts of thoughts of grief and past, rooting the two entirely in that present moment. It had just happened, here Donghae was, sleeves rolled to elbows as he devotedly mixed the luke warm milk along with cheese and vegetables. And then he had heard sungmin call out for the sauce so Donghae picked the bowl, turned and slammed into something.

That something being someone, that someone being Hyukjae

Who was now a very saucy Hyukjae (no pun intended)

“Oh ! , I’m so sorry holy is it burning ? does it hurt? Gosh wash it with water! Wait I need a cloth, do you have a cloth somewhere? !” Donghae was near to hysterical, and very loud, enough to get Kangin come rushing down a flight of steps and Leeteuk from the bathroom located at the other end of the house and ofcourse Sungmin’s there, gaping with a frozen spatula in his hand.

Out of all of them, Hyukjae is the most relaxed, even after getting abruptly showered with warm ,creamy liquid. Hyukjae was also being abruptly getting tugged at the dishwasher, donghae frantically cupping cool water and rubbing it down hyukjae’s arm while guiltily sprouting apologies and just how damn clumsy he was lately and how he really didn’t mean it.

And Hyukjae smiles, it’s barely there, but Donghae certainly spots it.

“That’s…actually the first time you spoke so many words without looking like you got something stuck in your throat” Hyukjae’s light-hearted words has Donghae momentarily freezing, Hyukjae shakes his head at that “Even though most those words were just…curses, look don’t worry about it. No it’s not burning, it’s barely warm and it’s just sauce right?” He stops when donghae looks like he’s going to say something but just nods, grip unknowingly tightening around Hyukjae’s arm. Hyukjae has to use his other free and miraculously clean hand to gently pry off donghae’s fingers “So all I need is just a shower…and all this sauce needs is a bit more salt.” Hyukjae adds after swiping his tongue over sauce-covered lips.

Donghae just stares, feeling the skin of his neck grow hot as he hears Sungmin‘s stifled laughter.

--

Dinner, thankfully, was not at all awkward, something Donghae was fearing it would be. Everyone ate in silence, aside from the occasional casual chatter. Donghae sneaked a glance at Hyukjae who sat on the other side of the table and farthest from him. Hyukjae had always had a talent of masking his pain and presenting a normal appearance. Unless Hyukjae had changed that over the years, so Donghae really couldn’t tell if Hyukjae was doing okay.

Donghae doubted it, just this morning was Hyukjae’s wife’s funeral, and the guy must still be shaken for sure. Before Donghae could mull over Hyukjae’s condition more, the others excluding Hyukjae started declaring who needed to do the dishes. Sungmin celevrly defended that since he and Donghae had cooked, Leeteuk and Kangin needed to do the clean up. Donghae spyed how Hyukjae sat back, apparently relaxed, and observing while the three went back and forth on who should be doing the dishes.

Hyukjae seemed relaxed, almost as if he was enjoying his friends bickering. Though those puffy eyes,  the red-tipped nose and the sounds of occasional sniffling does things to Donghae’s heart.

“I’ll do it” Donghae gets up, announcing aloud and ending the bickering in session and within minutes Donghae’s wearing an apron and gloves, diligently washing and drying dishes. It’s silent, he thinks the others went to bed already. He realizes he has no idea where he is sleeping but decides he would figure it out later. Just as he stacks up the dry dishes and turns he comes face to face with Hyukjae. Startled at the sudden appearance the plates are in danger of falling but this time Hyukjae’s ready, his hands lash out to grab and support the shaky stack of dishes.

“Jumpy lately, Hae?”

Donghae marvels at how Hyukjae’s so easily able to use that name, as if nothing bad happened, no pain, no anger, as if they’ve been pals for ages.

“Just tired” Donghae is able to utter. He tries to set the plates to their respective place but Hyukjae’s still holding them from the other end “Go rest Hae, I’ll do it.”

“Don’t tell me to go rest with those bloated eyes of yours” Donghae’s slightly surprised at his own statement and it has Hyukjae flashing a small, forced smile, it vanishes as quickly as it appeared. Donghae feels Hyukjae gently pulling the plates to himself, Donghae is near to protesting but Hyukjae fixes him with that look.

It’s warm and decisive and vulnerable and has Donghae’ heart doing frantic flips.

“I said I’ll take care of it, go sleep Hae. Your room’s upstairs, the one closest to the bathroom.”

Donghae sighs inaudibly, lingers and with a quick mutter of ‘goodnight’ walks out. He barely hears the ‘sleep well’ as he exits the kitchen and tiptoes his way up the stairs. In trying to figure out where the bathroom was so that he could locate the room he was supposed to be in, donghae nears and stops by a door that’s slightly ajar. What he spots has him freezing, eyes zeroing onto a huge portrait hanging on the wall and easily visible through the slightly open door. The portrait shows a bashful girl, dressed in white being held close by…Hyukjae. Donghae realizes this was the first time he actually got to see Hyukjae’s late wife.

They look so happy

She must have meant so much to him.

Bothered by the small voice that whispered such words from within, Donghae scowls and looks away, only to stop when his eyes landed on the edge of the bed that he could see..

They must have made love on it so many times.

Donghae’s fingers clench and unclench, breathing uneven he drags a hand over his face, quickly walking forth, entirely baffled by what he was going through, and ends up barging into the room Sungmin and Leeteuk were in. The two men look up in surprise, already in bed Leeteuk sits up a bit “ Donghae-ah what’s wrong?”

Donghae opens his mouth to say something but no words come out, then his vision blurs up and an erratic sob shakes his whole body. Sungmin’s quick to hold the other close, rubbing his back soothingly as Donghae’s tears soak Sungmin’s shirt.

The night is spent with little sleep, for both Donghae and Hyukjae. Both their hearts aching but for different reasons, different people. One whose beloved was entirely out of reach, while for the other, the beloved was so close yet so far, it hurt.

--

The four spent a few more days at Hyukjae’s place, keeping the other company and looking after him. Hyukjae would sometimes get overwhelmed and attempt to joke about having earned four  fairy nannies.

Sungmin declared he would rather be fairy-godmother thank you very much. Donghae would end up smiling at how the rest did manage to make Hyukjae atleast smile. Not the strained forced smile but the one that would actually reflect in Hyukjae’s eyes. Leeteuk would keep Hyukjae busy and active, while Kangin was great at keeping the atmosphere light and nice and Sungmin with his overall bright persona and sassy side kept things interesting.

As for Donghae, well he was just going around helping in whatever way he could. As long as he sees positive results- Hyukjae doing well and smiling more and more each day- Donghae is happy. Though the night before their flight back to Seoul, Donghae passes by Hyukjae’s room door and halts at the soft sobs coming from inside. He bites his lower lip, eyes the door handle uncertainly, should he step in?

Doubtful he was about to walk past when the door suddenly opens and there appears Hyukjae with his tear stained face, but a leveled voice “Hae? Come on in.”

“Uh actually  I was just—

“Please?”

Donghae really does not think it’s a good idea, but Hyukjae’s face and little ‘please’ had Donghae’s feet advancing to the door already. He in a lungful of air as he enters into the room, the portrait now viewable in its full glory. His eyes dart away from it to the bed and averts to one of the blank walls as he stands there awkwardly.

“We never got to catch up Hae…come sit” Hyukjae gestures to one of the two plush chairs and Donghae knows it’s too late to turn back now. Slumping into one of the chairs he tries to appear relaxed and get comfortable, leaning back into the backrest and trying to calm his panicky heart.

“Nothing special” Donghae shrugs as Hyukjae takes the chair across him, Hyukjae looks much more at ease then donghae and knowing that bothered Donghae even more. He knew he had to sort out this weird wicked jealousy that was burning with a raging passion in a corner of his heart. “ Actually a few months ago got promoted to the  head of a few branches of the company I work for”

Hyukjae nods, humming appreciatively “Good, good” Hyukjae rubs at the corner of his eye. From here Donghae is able to see the glistening tear tracks on Hyukjae’s face. He hears Hyukjae ask about Donghae’s pay and how he likes the job and Donghae feels sick to the core. Here they are, here he is sitting across from his Hyukjae talking about absolutely futile things when there is so much more meaningful things  Donghae wants to say, yet cannot dare to.

“Hae?”

“Oh sorry—what were you saying?”

Hyukjae shifts in his seat eyes averting from Donghae to the floor for a moment as he shrugs “ You seemed deep in thought…”

“Oh it’s nothing” Donghae flashes a small smile with a shake of head “You seem well settled here in NYC, I remember how you would constantly talk about having a dream business here in NY” Donghae recalls and Hyukjae looks up, surprised “Oh..yeah, yeah now that you mention it. I remember too” Hyukjae scratches at the side of his neck, and Donghae sighs within, that gesture was always so adorable in his eyes.

Still was.

Hyukjae was talking about how he was Head of Innovation at some company here and Donghae had to struggle to pay attention, not his fault, Hyukjae’s eyes were glistening beautifully as he talked about how Hyukjae had taken simple whims of people and developed them into real tools of daily use. Donghae finds himself smiling warmly as he hears and sees that ray of light, the brightness that was so Hyukjae.

Donghae ends up spending nearly an hour, feeling like he was going through a process of getting comfortable with Hyukjae, sitting like this, talking about anything and everything. Well, aside from their history. To Donghae it seemed Hyukjae looked upon him as a friend, Hyukjae’s comfortable manner of talking suggested that, unlike Donghae for whom this was all a big deal. Upon donghae’s huge yawn Hyukjae sheepishly gasps “Sorry, go to bed Hae, sleep well.”

“You too Yuki”

Yuki, a term of endearment and affection that Donghae had come up with while they were in a relationship and oh so deeply In love . It slips from donghae’s mouth so easily and suddenly that Donghae’s left shocked himself. His gaze darts to Hyukjae who for a while fixes donghae with such an intense look that Donghae left stuttering as he speed walks out the room “S-sorry, night”-

Hyukjae remains sitting in the chair a while longer, slightly surprised and not entirely clueless he lets out a low sigh and palms his face tiredly.

Another night of restless tossing and turning was ensured.

--

Donghae hated the fact how he and Hyukjae had not managed to talk properly and he thought once he would be back in Seoul, the restlessness would ease out. But this was day 3 of being back in Seoul and working and things were just so much worse.

He should not have gone to Hyukjae’s at all. He had simply taunted his wounded heart more, pretended to be alright when he sure as was not and now regrets were just piling on top of each other.

To add to his miseries, a few months later he gets to know that as a supervisor and project manager he is supposed to fly to NYC and actually live there for a month or two, since the company was looking to establish a branch in the City, Donghae was to oversee all the happenings.

Days make up weeks and weeks proceed to form months. The day of departure arrives and having clearly instructed all his and Hyukjae’s mutual friends- which were basically Sungmin, Teuk and Kangin, about not letting Hyukjae know of this- Donghae feels somewhat at ease.

He does not want to face Hyukjae again.  He valued his sanity and even though deep within, the part of Donghae that was still in love with Hyukjae, begged and pleaded to take every chance of being able to be close to Hyukjae, donghae shuts down that voice, coldly muting it out.

He had been healing

Now he was back to zero, even Heechul noticed how Donghae had become after his return from New York. A frown became part of Donghae’s features. Worried, Heechul would convey such things discreetly to Sungmin and the rest.

Having met and remained in Hyukjae’s presence simply shredded a hole through his healing process. Donghae feels conflicted emotions, sadness for Hyukjae’s obvious sorrow, yet that’s mixed with jealousy and yearning and it all is enough to create frustration within him.

No he was not over Lee Hyukjae, he wondered if he ever would be.

--

The trees were changing color, Donghae smiled as he thought the bunch of tress looked painted. The leaves with brilliant hues of red, orange, yellow and green so amazingly blended together that Donghae would stop and stare at those colorful trees. He inhaled deeply, taking in the early morning scent that floated with the wind through the park. New York was beautiful, he had arrived and found a small yet scenic park conveniently near to the hotel he was temporarily staying in. His Company was arranging an apartment for him in which he was to live for the next few months. As Donghae bright eyes travelled along the colorful foliage he thinks how he could indeed live here forever.

A week passes by and Donghae sometimes has his breakfasts in the hotel, where he always sits by the corner most table that faces the large window, the view of painted trees dancing in the breeze becoming one of his most favorite things to view, along with the wide expanse of the blue horizon, vast and never-ending, decorated with puffy milky clouds, the golden sunlight simply making them more beautiful.

Everything is so beautiful yet there is this persisting emptiness inside. He had become so accustomed to this emptiness that it had begun to feel natural, but the recent development: actually getting to see and be with Lee Hyukjae for a while had caused a restless stirring that simply could not be quenched by anything.

Donghae’s work goes smoothly, the kind of position he has, his nature of work is that of an overseer, hence it’s mostly about telling people what to do and then seeing it through. His evenings would be spent sitting in one of the spacious coffee shops that had gained his fancy. With a tall glass of soothing warm caramel coffee he would watch the sunset, marveling at how the sky would be painted different colors each day.

--

Donghae had rushed to the Bus Terminal and just in time managed to board it. He had an important meeting to get too and due to bad traffic he had nearly missed his ride there. Four hours of journey lay ahead and all Donghae wanted was to simply get there.

So when he feels a tap on his shoulder only a few minutes in the journey, he looks up to stare at Hyukjae’s face.

“Donghae! Wow, I had no idea you were here!”

Donghae looks around the bus, gradually calming down from the initial shock “Oh hey.”

Hyukjae grins brightly and points to the empty seat by Donghae’s side “May I?”

“I think it’s taken” Donghae quickly says and to donghae’s annoyance Hyukjae actually goes to the driver and takes the seat number to ask about availability, turns out the seat is certainly taken and Hyukjae returns to donghae with a small little pout and Donghae just wants to ing punch him

“The seat’s taken” Hyukjae’s monotone combined with that pout makes Donghae want to laugh but he suppresses it, relieved that Hyukjae would not be sitting right next to him for the next four hours.

“Oh,damn” Donghae comments noncommittally. Obviously Hyukjae picks up on it and raises a brow “Well..since it’s empty for now can I talk to you?”-

Donghae’s about to reply when a teenager appears, an unpleasant look on his face as he announces Hyukjae’s blocking the way to his seat. Hyukjae glances from him to a sheepishly smiling Donghae and sighs. With a soft “ See ya” he drags himself to his own seat which is a few seats behind Donghae.

Once the Bus makes a stopover at a resting and recreation spot, people are quick to file off of it. Donghae-abruptly aroused by deep sleep- follows the crowd, thinking he would make a short trip to the restrooms when a pair of arms suddenly slip around his waist briefly “Hae!”

Donghae flinches and whips around, calming down once he sees Hyukjae “ Oh..hi again”

“Hi sleepy head, I kept calling out your name back there and you kept walking” Hyukjae crosses his arms, fixing Donghae with a look Donghae was too sleepy to recognize “Oh you did? Sorry my brain must be still asleep”

“Yeah you always were slow at fully waking up” Hyukjae nods and donghae flashes an awkward smile, shifting his weight from one foot to another “ Yeah, you remember…”

“Mhm, anyway come on, I’m hungry” Donghae stiffens as Hyukjae tugs at his hand. Donghae stuffs his hands deep in the jacket pockets and walks along, head held low as none of them say a word. The odd tension is thick as they enter a rather empty café,  once seated with their simmering coffees, Hyukjae jumps straight to something that had been bugging him for a long  time now

“Donghae, you’ve been avoiding me haven’t you? Be honest”

Donghae manages to not choke over coffee and quickly swallows the sip “No” he curses within at his wavering voice. Strictly keeping his eyes on his coffee he sighs and shakes his head “I don’t want to talk about it”

“This isn’t the Hae I know”

Donghae’s eyes glare up, Hyukjae’s statement igniting something within “Oh? So what am I like? Or what am I supposed to be like? Hunh?”

Hyukjae seems taken aback but continues “What’s really going on Hae?”

“Man do you have questions or what”

“Well I wouldn’t have all these questions had you not been acting up lately”

“I’m not acting up okay, You’re the one whose pretending like everything’s alright” Donghae all but growls, by now his heart is racing and he feels his cheeks grow hot, obviously angry.

Hyukjae gazes at him with a soft look in his eyes “What’s not alright Donghae?” He knows, but he knows it’s important for Donghae to say it.

His heart stirred and he scowled, looking away and jaw clenched, a silent refusal to state the obvious.

“Donghae…what we had was ages ago-

“For you!” Donghae spat, the sudden blaze in his eyes making Hyukjae gap “For you it was ages ago! For you it was nothing! I’m not over it okay!? Happy now??”

Overtaken by the emotional and full on tension conversation, both of them forget a tiny detail.

Their bus was leaving. The two were so preoccupied and equally upset though, that they perhaps didn’t even remember where they were sitting. The shop owner stared at them weirdly before going to the backroom, thinking it was just a couple bickering. The tense silence reigns over the table till Donghae’s phone buzzes, jaw clenched he whips out his phone, silently reading a text from one of his colleagues asking about Donghae’s arrival time.

Oh

“!” He curses aloud after having run to the window and staring at the spot which had been previously been occupied by the bus. Hyukjae soon joins him, alarmed at Donghae’s reaction and groans as he realizes the bus was indeed gone.

Donghae’s instantly calling up people, embarrassed and sprouting apologies, on the other hand Hyukjae calls up his friend, letting him know of what had just happened. After their respective calls and a very stressed Donghae restlessly pacing, Hyukjae decides they needed to deal with it.

“Let’s just work through this together, okay?”

“I’m…sorry that I got our bus missed..”

“Stupid, it wasn’t  just your fault, I’m equally blamable. Let’s just work together to make things right.”

Donghae feels there is a double meaning in Hyukjae’s last few words, but he ignores the spark of hope within and  nods slowly.

The two  start asking around for help, to their relief they find out about a reasonable motel just a few minutes away. It turns out to be an hour away, since the two had no means of transport.

The walk was not easy, they were tired, physically and emotionally, Donghae even more so. Now that the truth was out in the open, he felt lighter at heart but as a result Hyukjae felt slightly burdened. The fact that he had left Donghae stranded and basically incapable of moving on, saddened Hyukjae. Then again, it’s not like it had been easy on Hyukjae, in fact, Hyukjae had lingering regrets too.

As they neared the motel, with donghae constantly trying to avoid saying anything anymore, Hyukjae’s patience runs thin.

“If you’re planning to keep it all pent up inside, fine! Be that way and when you’re done pushing me away, I’ll be here, ready to hear what you have to say”

Stopping dead in his tracks Donghae looks up, hurt visible in his eyes “ You think I like being like this?” his voice wavers as he hesitantly adds “This is exactly what we did back then…I did back then, pushing you away whne I should have jut opened up”

Hyukjae watches him closely, glances at the motel and takes Donghae’s hand “Come on, let’s get settled in first, I promise we are going to talk about this alright?”

--

Hyukjae sat slumped, forehead resting in his hand as he waited for Donghae patiently. The past few hours had been rough and exhausting, both physically and mentally. Donghae had kept his mouth shut yet his eyes had gleamed with anger the whole hour that took them to walk to the nearest motel.

Hyukjae exhaled sharply, looking up expectedly for the 10^th time and finally he spots Donghae coming.

“Any luck?” Hyukjae gets up slowly, Donghae almost comments on what a mess he looked like but he was sure he himself was not in a grand condition himself.

“Yeah, but one room” Donghae’s tone is curt, eyes avoiding Hyukjae entirely as he simply looks around “They are out of mattresses too-“

Hyukjae’s brief chuckle has Donghae look sharply at him, Hyukjae’s expressions drop as he shrugs “This situations. Feels like a scene from those cliché movies where two ex-es get stuck in a room—“

“Well I’m going to not let that cliché happen. I’m sleeping else where- you can take the room. And hey, I thought we were friends now?” Donghae’s lips curl in a bitter smile.

Hyukjae exhales exasperatedly and fixes Donghae with a look. He stands rooted as he reigns in the building anger “I never said we were friends” Hyukjae utters calmly. Donghae shrugs noncommittally “Whatever, I’m going.” Just as Donghae turns Hyukjae huffs and steps up infront of him “ And just where are you going?”

“Why do you care?” A cold indifference and Hyukjae finds his annoyance building.

“We need to catch a bus. Together. I don’t want to miss it just cuz I didn’t find you” Hyukjae grits out, he could feel his face heating up and for Donghae, somehow the obviously pissed Hyukjae is such a sweet sight for sore eyes.

For starving, hurt, sore eyes.

“Meet me at the dining hall for breakfast. We leave soon after” With that, Donghae brushes past Hyukjae. Hyukjae’s eyes fall to the key Donghae drops by Hyukjae’s feet and he feels a headache coming.

Hyukjae wordlessly picks up the key, takes his bag in the other hand and heads to the room.

--

The motels dining area was of an average size, not too crowded and it made sense, most people were sleeping around this time. 2:00 AM on the clock but sleep was nowhere near for two certain men. They sat on different tables, while one was perhaps looking to vent all his frustrations by blindly gulping down alcohol; the other was trying not to get drunk. Hyukjae could never really handle alcohol, besides he had a feeling Donghae was aiming to get as drunk as possible. Hyukjae sighs dryly, lips pressed to the rim of his glass as he stares ahead Donghae who seemed like he had had too much.

He watches as Donghae pushes back his chair, at the same time two men were walking past him and Donghae’s drunken step leads to him to crash into the men. Tipsy but sensible enough to know trouble would follow, Hyukjae slowly gets up. Meanwhile Donghae in his drunken rage shoves at the two men, glaring daggers like an infuriated Tiger “Watch where the you’re going” the drunken one yells heatedly.

Hyukjae starts walking swiftly.

One of the men perhaps says something and Hyukjae curses upon seeing Donghae rolling up his sleeves, fists up and ready to engage. Hyukjae breaks into a sprint, nearly tripping himself and feeling burdened by the haze that alcohol always set over him.

Donghae’s not able to land a single punch, mind and body uncoordinated while he slurred out nonsensical curses and something about showing those two men the ‘ends of the earth’

Hyukjae gets there just in time one of the men looked ready to strike, his arm lashes out to pause a hit, grunting as the man’s fist harshly hits his forearm.

“Hey hey chill! He’s just uh out of it, I’m very sorry gents!” Hyukjae tries not to sound drunk at all. He’s not sure whether it works but apparently the two men were not provoked enough and easily walk off. Donghae on the other hand does not like how things turned out.

“Oh off! Get your hands off of me! Yah!” he screams, thrashing around as Hyukjae tries to get a hold of him. He forgot how hard to control a drunk Donghae was. Chairs toppled and Donghae topples onto a table, causing gasps and shrieks to sound from surroundings as Hyukjae tries to wrestle down Donghae.

this is like trying to pin a feisty hen!

“Donghae!” He tries to reprimand him, ofcourse that made the drunken hot-head scream more, and withering on the table as Hyukjae tries to get hold of both donghae’s arms that kept lashing out at him.  “God, stop squirming, you stupid ” Hyukjae grit- his tipsy-self not having it in him to be able to be patient and deal with this calmly.

Donghae attempts to kick the other away but Hyukjae twists away from the attack, grabs at donghae’s shirt collar with a growl and yanks him up till Donghae was pressed up against Hyukjae. Donghae sneers darkly, red-rimmed eyes glowing darkly “Leave me! Leave me like you left me then! Get the out of my life! You don’t care” he raged “ you never cared!”

“I cared, I still care!” Hyukjae growls back, hanging desperately to the thin thread called patience as he struggles, practically hugging donghae to himself to minimize any gap and space for Donghae’s thrashings.

It’s a wrestle and perhaps a comical scene for others aside from these two. The journey up the flight of steps to the room is a task Hyukjae somehow manages to fulfill. Donghae grumbles, profanities and accusations flying out his mouth as he pulls himself away from Hyukjae once they were finally in the room. Hyukjae slams the door shut with a hiss and turns to glare at Donghae. Electric tension thickens the air the two men glare, chests heaving and mind a jumbled mess

“Screw you” Donghae grumbles, rolling his sleeves up yet again and oh lord how Hyukjae just wanted to punch the ungrateful bastard.

And then kiss the life out of him.

That was not entirely his tipsy mind talking right there. Hyukjae takes a step closer and Donghae raises a hand “Leave me be, just leave”

“You almost got your kicked down there”

“Then you should have let it happen! Why do you care!?” Donghae yells, shoving at Hyukjae and the other shoves back with a growl, but instantly pulled donghae in by the collar. “ Stop thinking I’m some cold hearted ! It hurts to see you like this Donghae! It hurts!!”

“It hurt me too you !” Donghae shouts back, face crumpling as tears spill “It still hurts” he chokes a sob and Hyukjae snaps.

So he kisses the other, desperate lips parted and mashing up against thin ones. And everything just comes back. He recalls what they felt like, what donghae felt like. Emotions rise up as savage tides and wash over the two as donghae whimpers, arms wrapping around Hyukjae and pressing him close, heatedly kissing back and tears flooded down his cheeks. Shocked yet finding relief in each other’s taste and touches none knew who pushed first or how they lay in bed, occasionally rolling over to feel the other squirm under him. The familiar heat and intensity cutting off all sounds of reason, they both knew they were not drunk enough to know they shouldn’t be doing this.

But none cared to stop and only yearned and pressed for more…because maybe this was long time due.

--

Come morning, the two were sprawled on each other on the single bed, snoring away. Donghae’s head rested on Hyukjae’s partially clothed chest that rose and fell steadily. Hyukjae’s legs were tangled with Donghae’s. Donghae stirs a bit, snuggle closer to the warmth by his side, lips parting as a silent sigh escapes through them. The movement was enough for Hyukjae’s eyes to flutter, view blurred and otherwise disoriented it took a while to realize the weight on his chest.

Instead of flying off the bed in shock, Hyukjae remained motionless, the only movements being of his lips that stretch in a soft smile, gazing down at the mop of brown hair, the curled and tangled legs and the bare body of someone who brought back so many memories. His heart flutters, memories of last night soon following and troubling Hyukjae a bit, he was not sure how Donghae would react and the anxiety gnawed at him.

So he gently pulls the man closer, lips pressing against donghae’s head and eyes closing, a silent plea echoing in Hyukjae’s mind. Slowly he could recall last night clearly, neither of them was too drunk, just tipsy so they both knew what was going on. The mutual consent of kissing till they were drunk off of each other but not going too far was all too clear now. Hyukjae had seen it in Donghae’s eyes; perhaps the latter had seen the same thing in his own eyes too.

He wanted to stop this fight, he wanted to stop the fight inside Donghae and reach a state of peace with the other, along with the other.

“Are you not cold?” the slurred voice laced with sleep has him coming back to the moment

“No, you’re pretty much draped over me…you’re warm.”

He gets a soft sigh in response, the silence that reigns over them for a few minutes is oddly peaceful, none of them had seen this coming.

“Am I….heavier than I used to be? When we used to cuddle back then..” Donghae sounded more awake now and Hyukjae couldn’t help smile at that “Well..to be honest I don’t remember that clearly, sorry…but know if you’re asking whether your body feel heavy then no, infact you seem to be very much in shape.”

“Thanks, you’re not bad yourself” Donghae mumbles sleepily, corners of his lips twitching up slightly as the soft ‘thanks’ Hyukjae chuckles out.

“…Are we flirting..?” Donghae lifts up his head at that question from Hyukjae, still sleepy but awake enough to recognize that look in Hyukjae’s eyes. The look Hyukjae would have when he would be looking for answers.

“Two exes flirting? That’s either really bad or really good…” Donghae trails off “..but no I-I don’t know what we are doing.” He slowly raised himself off of Hyukjae, but the hand clamping on his wrist had him stopping.

A pair of clear brown eyes stared back imploringly “Then please..let’s talk this out..no more avoiding it. No more running away..please.”

The small nod Donghae gave was enough reassurance, for now.

----

They managed to get on a bus, this time though they were heading back to New York, Donghae having missed the meeting and Hyukjae not finding it in himself to travel- and frankly he rather sort a few crucial things with Donghae before anything else, the two had decided to simply return to New York. To talk it out, something they had stopped doing for quite a while.

It was about time they communicated.

“So what did we do wrong?”

“Nothing, we stopped talking..of how we felt”

“We did talk but only about our own feelings. We didn’t hear the other.”

Donghae nods slowly, feeling a healing warmth inside take over. They really had stopped listening to each other. Until now.

“You walked away like you didn’t really care”

“I kept waiting for you to stop me” Hyukjae admits quietly. Sitting side by side on the bus they spoke in a hushed, calm manner.

“I never stopped—“ they spoke in unison and looked up, a few seconds of held breathes and searching eyes passed. Exhaling Donghae smiled  “ You go first”

“I- we never stopped missing each other did we?” Hyukjae at his lips, staring at his fiddling fingers, catching Donghae’s nod from the corner of his eyes.

“Shall we...can we start over?” Donghae managed, heart racing.

Hyukjae’s head slowly turns to look at Donghae, this nostalgic moment hitting him so hard that he felt no real reason to actually think it over.

“I don’t see why not.”

2 Months Later

Donghae hastily crawled onto his bed, grabbing for the laptop, random books stacked up he places the laptop on it and turns it on, impatiently snuggling further into the comforted he had wrapped around himself. Quickly logging onto Skype he grins at instantly getting a video call from Hyukjae.

“Hi boyfriend~” Hyukjae’s husky voice from the speakers is music ( and seductive) to Donghae’s ears who chuckles and waves “Hi. I’m freezing come cuddle with me.”

“I will once you get your over here, I made the final payments for your apartment by the way.”

“Thanks Hyukkie, oh and about the furniture—“

“Don’t worry darling I got you covered from all sides” Hyukjae leans closer, Donghae’s screen filling up with that face donghae cherished a lot “ Thanks Hyuk, I feel sad thinking of having to leave Seoul in a few days, honestly I didn’t even think my application for transfer over to New York would be accepted either.”

Grinning Hyukjae hums softly “ This all the power of our love”

“Hyuk didn’t we decide to be careful with that ‘L’ word this time?”

“Oh, sorry boo. Yeah you’re right. I’m in no rush, let’s take this slow okay.”

Had someone told Donghae a year ago that he would be reunited with the so called love of his life in the following year, Donghae would have bitterly laughed whispering a “I wish” to himself. But tonight on this cold night in Seoul he sat huddled up with a hot mug of coffee talking to that very beloved he had never gotten over. Now he knew why he could not move on in the first place. He didn’t need to.