The scars were still fresh. I can still feel everything as if it happened yesterday. I can still hear him say those piercing words in front of me as I deaf my ears. I refuse to listen but I cannot myself from hearing him. His words weighted a ton, piling on top of my chest. Each words uttered gave unfathomable pain. It was worse than a dagger pierced through my skin. Knives were already thrown. My chest was already pierced. I am already bleeding. And there is a pile of blocks on top of my chest numbing my body. Pain started to sheath my whole being. What have happened to us?

It was raining hard; there dark grey clouds covered the skies. There are no people outside our busy street. The clouds were giving the heavens a gloom. The only sound you can hear was the rain hitting the window pane and the rustling of the leaves from the trees. I was in my room; busy reading the book you gave me and sipping through my favourite hot chocolate. I am sitting by the window enjoying the company of your tome, listening to the calming music by the rain sound. Then silence was broken when I heard a knock on my room. It was in a rush, as if it was urgent. I already knew it was you. I opened the door and let you in.

Your steps were precautious, lightly tapping the wooden flooring. You waited until I closed the door and I faced you. Then you said, “I have to talk to you about something.”

I was in queer. Why are you in rush. Did something happen? What do you want us to talk about?

“About what?”

“About us.”

My insides started to panic. Have I done something wrong? Did I mess up again? I swear I’m not going to be clingy again with Mark-hyung. Why are you staring at me so blankly? You’re starting to scare me. What is it? Tell me.

“Let’s break up.”

I refuse to hear your words. I was just looking at you and I can feel the tears were already falling. It rained harder by the moment. The skies cried with me. He kept uttering words but all I can hear is the rain. I was looking still looking at him. I cannot utter words. The things I wanted to say can’t be put into words. I was hurt. I was devastated. My mind is in complete pandemonium. Your words were trembling and so do I. I can see you were still hesitant with your talk. I can see you are also nervous. Why push yourself to do this? It can only hurt us both? Why?

“It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, it’s just that things were being complicated and it needed to stop. I’m sorry.”

Tell me you don’t mean it. Please tell me you don’t mean it.

“If you are mad, punch me. But it can’t change my decision. I hope you would accept it. I know it hard, nothing’s easy. But we need to do this for the group, for everyone, for the both of us. So please, please understand why I am doing this.”

Stop. Please just stop.  

You explained your side.

I shouted.

You shouted back.

I cried.

You walked out.

I didn’t follow.

You shut the door closed.

You left me.

You left me alone.

You left me for good.

Weeks had already passed and the pictures still played at the back of my mind. Your words still fills my room. I can still hear you say you’re parting phrases, as if broken records played again and again. Every repeat rips my heart. Even if I close my eyes, I can see your face as you say your goodbyes. It was no good. I was no good. I am losing my sane.

I was still holding the book you gave me. I am still stuck on the same page I was reading when you barge into my room and left me. I can’t seem to finish the book anymore. I can’t even concentrate back at the story. All I think about is you, our memories.

I tried to sleep but it was no use. It was the same bed where you use to tuck me in. Some night you will go into my room and spend the night with me. It was those night that I would want time to stop. Just lying beside you makes my heart flutter. Watching you sleep was precious, your snoring is music, your breath in the morning is something special, and your puffy face when you wake up is unique. I miss you. I really miss you so much. I’ve been trying my very best to cope up with the changed that had happened. But I just can’t. Every time I see you smiling and laughing with the others, I just can’t help but ask myself, “Have you forgotten everything about us that easy?”

I hate being like this. Here I am struggling to be okay and there you are just fine. How can you be all smiles when I am still here grieving from the inside? Have your forgone everything, our memories? Those questions kept boggling inside my head until my mind hurts. I hate you for letting me go. I hate myself for letting you let go of me.