Yixing paused his mp3 player as a familiar song started playing. He took a deep breath and played the song. It had been a a while since the release of the song. 'Time Boils The Rain', Yixing smiled to himself when he heard the lyrics. They were so familiar to the lies he used to tell yixing and his band mates. He had memorized every word by the third time he heard it. But he couldn't help thie heavy feeling in his heart every time the song played. 

He played the song and closed his eyes as he turned the lights off. He didn't have a roommate anymore. He hadn't had a roommate for eight months now. At nights when he just couldn't bare it, Lu Han would come in, listening to the sobs from the next room and console him. But now as he was gone, he could feel the same in the next room where Minseok and Lu Han slept together. He had to be strong. He couldn't be a burden to the other members.

Yifan had texted him the day he reached China. A simple text, Yixing was almost sure that it hadn't meant anything to Yifan but he couldn't help hoping it did.

From: Yifan <3

Reached China. I don't think you could forgive me but I want you to know that I'll always be there for you. Maybe not physically. But you'll always be in my heart.

The word 'always' came way too often out of Yifan's mouth. 'EXO will always be together', 'we will always stay close'. 

After reading that text, Yixing did what he was good at; he acted as if it was okay. Like he had acted that Yifan staring at him was okay. Or Yifan kissing him goodbye on some nights was okay.

To: Yifan <3

I forgive you, Yifan. It's not your fault. 

Yixing couldn't reply to the later part of Yifan's message. Because he didn't want to be in Yifan's heart. He had left him. He had left him without saying a single word. He had left him with him still thinking that there was something between them, that maybe Yifan was in love with him. 

Yixing kept his earphones and phone aside once the song finished. He asked himself why he kept doing this to himself. Why he listened to all of Yifan's songs just before sleeping. Maybe it was because he wanted to picture it the way it used to be. When Yixing would snuggle in with Yifan at night, and Yifan would help him sleep by singing some Mandarin songs he knew. Sometimes he would sing in English and Yixing would simply listen to Yifan's beautiful voice not trying hard to decipher what it meant.

Yixing tried not to look hurt in front of the cameras. He looked as cheerful as he could in the concert and even more in the variety shows but in happy camp, he broke. When they came back to the hotel, Jongdae tried every way to cheer him up and of course, he pretended to cheer up and be okay. Because that was what he was good at, pretending.

At days when it would hurt the most, he would delete their photos that they had clicked together. He knew he couldn't break down because he couldn't be a burden to the other members. He wasn't the only one who was sad, after all.. In the course of seven years, most of the memory of Yixing's phone was taken up by Yifan and his selcas. And he would swipe through each of them, tapping on the delete button, trying not to feel a thing. It had worked till the day Yifan sent him another message.

From: unknown contact

Hi, Xing.

It's been months! I really wanted to see you. I'm in China right now. Can I come to see you? Or we could meet at a restaurant? I understand if you don't want to see me. But if you do, please reply.

Yifan  :)

And Yixing was weak enough to not hold up the wall he had created between him and Yifan. He remembered how much Yifan hated emojis and how he thought they were 'stupid' and 'childish' but by seeing how frequently Yixing used it, Yifan had adopted a liking towards it.

To: unknown contact

Sure, Yifan! I'd love to see you again. I'm not feeling very well so I can't come out. Actually the boys had gone out and I couldn't even go with them.

And his phone buzzed seconds later. 

From: unknown contact

Then I'll come. 

And before Yixing could recover from the fact that Yifan was coming over, he heard a knock on his door not moments later. It obviously couldn't be. Yifan wasn't that fast.

He opened the door to a familiar gummy smile. And he couldn't believe his eyes.

"I-uh- forgot to tell you that I was staying at the other side of the same hotel."

Yixing was still standing frozen. He was looking at the one he thought was the one after almost seven months. He could see signs of a beard on Yifan's chin but as far as he knew Yifan, it must've taken months to just grow that small stubble. He was wearing a familiar blue scarf. Yixing smiled by himself when he recalled old memories; hanging out in the airport alone, shooing away anyone who clinged to them. Although, Yifan was the one who shooed people away since Yixing could never do it.

"Oh. Yeah. Come in." Yixing said gesturing him to come inside. He quickly picked up a few pieces of cloth that were lying on the bed haphazardly. He felt warm hands on his wrist and he looked up. 

"It's okay, Xing. Calm down. It's just me."

And then Yixing couldn't hold it in. He felt tears sting his eyes and seconds later, he burst out crying. Yifan held him against his chest tightly and rested his head on Yixing's head. Yixing tried best not to hug him back, but as the grip around him tightened, he couldn't help but wrap his hands around Yifan's waist.  The last time he had done so, was when Yifan had pulled him in for a kiss.

Realisation struck Yixing and he quickly pulled away. He couldn't get attached again. It never meant anything to Yifan. And he knew that.

"You shouldn't have come." Yixing said as he pulled away and wiped his eyes.

"Xing, I-"

"No, don't 'Xing' me." Yixing was louder than he had been in a while, but he was sure that that day, he was not going to pretend. "It wasn't okay. It isn't okay. You left me." Yixing huffed "You led me on and then you left me. I kept thinking, wondering if there was something between us. But...How stupid of me I actually thought there was something between us." Yixing took a moment to look away from Yifan and when he looked back, Yifan had the same frozen expression as earlier.

Yixing took a moment to think whether to say what he was going to or not, but before he was done, the words just poured out of his mouth. "I loved you, Yifan." Yixing continued and he tried to ignore Yifan's widening eyes. "I loved you so much. I still-I still can't help but love you and I hate it! I hate myself for loving you because I know, I know you would never love me like that."

"I'm sorry." Yifan mumbled before he pulled Yixing into a kiss. Yixing tried to resist it but he melted into it before he even knew. He tightened his grip around Yifan's waist. Yifan's lips were soft against his and just for a moment, they were back in the SM dance studio. A week before their debut, when for the first time Yifan had kissed him on the lips. But Yixing suddenly stopped. Remembering, he had never said anything about being in love with Yixing, anything remotely suggesting that the kisses meant anything.

"Xing?" Yifan asked, looking into Yixing's eyes that had fallen when he removed his lips from Yifan's.

"Do you love me?" Yixing asked, and without looking at his face, Yixing knew that Yifan's eyes had widened. "Do you love me, like I love you?" 

Yifan's hands suddenly dropped from Yixing's waist as he wiped his mouth. "It's getting late. I'll see you later."

"No! You tell me right now, or don't bother seeing me later." Yixing said, his eyes finally meeting Yifan's. Yifan picked up his jacket and headed towards the door. He paused when he heard Yixing say it.

"Yixing, I- I don't know. Look, I should go. We'll talk tomorrow." Yifan opened the door and started stepping outside.

"No!" Yixing yelled. “If you walk out that door,Yifan, don't ever try to come back." Yifan paused. Yixing closed his eyes with tears streaming down and all he heard was the door close shut.

//

The song stopped playing but Yixing wasn't asleep yet. He scrolled through the playlists once more - a whole playlist with Yifan's songs. The ones he and Yixing had composed together but hadn't come out, the ones he and Yixing had sung together and of course, his solo songs. He closed his eyes as the next song started playing. He knew it had never meant anything to Yifan, it was all just probably a stupid game for him but whenever he hears that line about the smile of the person he wrote the song for, he can't stop his heart from beating rapidly against his chest, the same way it had when Yifan told him that his smile keeps him moving on.