Am I losing you? You’re near but it feels like you’re a thousand miles away…

He sat at the edge of his bed. Everyone is already asleep except him, and maybe, also, the person he is thinking of. Jaebeom was back to his old ways, Jinyoung thought. His hyung keeps on bottling up his feelings, not wanting to tell anyone of his hardships and stresses.

What do I really mean to you?

How long has it been? Four? Five years? Jinyoung thinks it has been almost five years since they met each other and something between them just clicked. And from the start, Jinyoung has been telling Jaebeom that he can say anything to him. But Jaebeom has said nothing but the awards they get, the praise from the fans and some of their seniors, but mostly, the criticism from the company and the manager. They were never enough for anyone.

When did it start? A month after they were told to live together with their five more friends (who they know they’ll be in a group with), Jaebeom goes in and out of Jinyoung’s room without saying anything but just staying there and laying down on the comfortable and fluffy bed. There will be days when Jinyoung will sleep on Jaebeom’s room, but on most times, they stay up late for things that doesn’t really make sense, like doing nothing and staring in to the space. Jinyoung likes it that way anyway.

After a few more days, Jaebeom goes in his room and calls for him.

“Yah, Jinyoung-ah…”

Jaebeom’s words will stop there. He will snicker, be embarrassed, then go out again. Jinyoung was getting fed up with Jaebeom that he went to his room himself and ask him about the things he wants to say to the younger.

“Hyung? What do you really want to say?”

“Oh? Oh… That…”

“Yes?”

“I’m fed up with manager hyung nowadays. What can I do when Youngjae doesn’t seem to get very close with anyone of us? Is it because of his age? Maybe it really is, but manager won’t accept that reason! And Mark hyung…he needs to understand variety more. I just don’t know why I should accept all the criticisms myself when I was not the one involved?”

Jaebeom was already in rage and Jinyoung was both scared and happy at the same time. He was scared of a very furious Jaebeom, but he is happy, though, that Jaebeom is opening up to him.If only he knew another five people will make him open up to him then he would have suggested it earlier. But Jinyoung thinks of a reply to Jaebeom first.

“About Youngjae… I think you need to be closer to him first before the other members will follow. You know, since you’re the leader and all and we need to follow your steps like our role model. My father is my role model, by the way. But yeah, you know what I’m saying. The same goes for Mark hyung. And all of us. You need to hear the criticisms first to convey to us in words we can understand without a heavy heart.”

“Then I’m the one who needs to have a heavy heart because I need to take care of all the six of you?” Jaebeom snickered.

“No. That’s what we are here for. We will comfort you and share with you your worries because we’re a team and we need and want to be like a family. I’ve been telling you this for years and I’m thankful that now you did, but please, please, please open up to me more. I promise to comfort you in any way I know and I promise to share your worries.”

“Thank you Jinyoungie.”

However, it was only months that it happen. Jaebeom is back to bottling up his feelings. He keeps on hiding things from Jinyoung which the younger eventually finds out. The manager finds the simplest faults the group have and Jaebeom accepts all the scolds and criticisms from everyone. And Jinyoung fears that one day, Jaebeom will explode in rage and fury and no one can control him. He fears the day that Jaebeom will quit. He knows the other is strong, stronger and much better than him, but everyone has their limits. Jinyoung wants to preserve the limit and be Jaebeom’s shock absorber.

After everyone played a game to know who will buy their food for the night, the maknae line was assigned because they lose the game. Youngjae was out and Bambam and Yugyeom too. Mark and Jackson went back to their room to do whatever it is they want to do. Jinyoung thinks it’s a perfect time. He sneaked into Jaebeom and Youngjae’s room. He was still quite jealous with Youngjae who gets to sleep with Jaebeom every night.

“Jaebeom hyung?”

“Oh? Jinyoungie, why are you here?” Jaebeom was smiling but Jinyoung knows otherwise.

“Hyung…do you know what my greatest fear is?” Jaebeom’s smile faltered.

“Sorry, Jinyoungie. I have no time for things like this. I have so many things in hand and in mind. I’m so sorry.”

“This is what I fear the most.”

“Huh?”

“I fear the day you stop. I fear the day that you will quit. I fear the day you explode. I fear the day you reach your breaking point.

I fear the day I will be without you.”

Gratefulness and happiness crossed Jaebeom’s heart. He has always been thankful for being with Jinyoung. He knows it’s fate and it’s meant to be. And he loves it the way it is.

He has more things to say. He would love to start over again in telling Jinyoung everything about his day even when they’re always together. He wants to tell everything that happens to him whenever he was out of Jinyoung’s eyes. There’s so much he wants to say. But he wants to start with reassuring Jinyoung that he won’t break down and he won’t leave.

“I’m not going anywhere without you. Fear no more. We will always be together.”

Hello readers! I'm on the first page of BNior's fanfics accdg. to subscribers. It's a first so  am really thankful to each and everyone of you. Clicking that button is hard, but it needs to. All good things come to an end, don't they? Thank you for all the comments and the subscriptions and upvotes! ♥♥ 

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-Micah