Three years, twenty-two heartbreaks. Most people might have known me by now: fool, easy-to-get, insane. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a . I am just a person who happens to fall in love so easily. The day I entered this university was the very day I had my first love and had my first heartbreak weeks after. I probably would have learned from it, but no; I just have to meet every person that will make me risk everything and plummet into a pool without knowing how to swim.

                 Being in the Fine Arts and Design Department, my paintings and sketches became my outlet; masterpieces of my suppressed feelings. The first time I put up my canvas on exhibit, I thought people will somehow empathize with how I feel. Words spread so fast, my paintings became a hot topic; speculating to whom it was made, interpreting how I made myself broken. To make things worse, my ex-lovers wanted the attention too much that I think they just want an artwork for their sakes.

                 It is my last year and in my last term and I have been rushing to the exhibit carrying some of the paintings I have to put up.

                 “Hey, let me help you there,” a girl, started to assist me.

                 “Oh, thank you,” I said as I hand her some to carry. These are the times that guys tend to forget to be a total gentleman; they come to help me, and then start making a move on me. Being a girl myself, I know, this is one of the sincerest help I got…

                 “You know, you could’ve asked anyone. Everyone’s willing though,” she said smirking, offering her hand. “Wendy, Engineering Department”

                 …or so I thought.

                 Nevertheless, “Irene,” I accepted her hand.

                 “See you around, gorgeous,” not forgetting to wink before walking away.

                 Smooth.

                 The usual way to hit on me.

                 And I just had to fall for that, again.

                “Hmm. Engineering Department. Where have you been all this time, Wendy?” I thought out loud as I watched her retreating figure.

~~~

                “You know, they say that coffee helps people feel less tired.”

                I turned around and saw Wendy, holding two cups of coffee. I don’t know why everyone thought I am into caffeine. Maybe it started when someone asked me out for coffee, bought me the tallest cup there is, and the next thing I knew, I always find myself having a date in a café.

                “But after watching you for some time,” she continued, “I think you need to cheer up.” She handed me a cup and urged me to take a sip. To my surprise, it was hot chocolate.

                And from this moment, I know, I am in love.

                “As much as I want to walk you home, I have a practice tonight. Let’s just have a date some other time. What do you say?” The way she said it was so natural, I wonder how many girls have fallen for that.

                “Okay,” I agreed smiling with expectant eyes. If players know how to play the game, I know it too.

                “So, bye. Be safe… for me.” And she always has to be the last one to say something and leave.

                The night sky seems peaceful tonight making me think a lot on my way home. But the wind is starting to get cold. The cup of hot chocolate is not so warm anymore.

                Trust has never been an issue for me when it comes to people. It’s just a matter of time before it can be broken, but everyone deserves a chance. With Wendy’s eyes always looking intently into mine, I know I won’t be able to stop myself from falling – hard, if I might say. I’m not even planning on guarding my heart. I’ll just have to see how this one ends, get back up like I always do, and move on. I stared at the cup in my hand.

                “How do you even know I like chocolate?” a question intended to no one.

                That’s when I notice a note inked outside the cup:

                “Call me,.” was written along with her number.

~~~

                It has been days since I first called Wendy. If rumors say that I am desperate, then I’ll be what they say I am. It is not as if they know the real me.

                Wendy and I – we have been going out on dates, meeting once in a while in some secret places in our university, and have been calling each other at night like some over-clingy-teenager who found their first love. But there has been no title to the kind of relationship that we have.

                I am putting back some books in my locker when I felt someone hugging me from behind.

                “Hey, Bae.” I can feel Wendy’s breath as she whispered those words.

                I closed my locker and faced her. She didn’t wait for me to respond and started to kiss me fully on the lips. These are one of the days that we can’t get enough of each other and just make out when no one is looking. When she pulled out, I decided to voice out my thoughts.

                “Are we official?” and somehow, I felt stupid asking her that. Fear dawned on me when she didn’t answer me for a while and just looked into my eyes.

                “Do you want to?” she asked me back.

                I looked back at her with the same intensity as hers and started leaning in for her lips. “Yes,” I whispered back. The kiss was pure as I think it is. I have been taking advantage of her lower lip when she decided to deepen it. It was so hard that I didn’t notice the back of my head has hit the locker behind.

                “I love you,” I said in between breaths. I grabbed her neck and slowly moved my hand to the back of her head tugging lightly at her hair and tried to intensify the kiss some more.

                “I love you,” I said again as the kiss finally reduced to being frequent pecks. We were practically trying to regain our breaths by inhaling air as much as we can. She suddenly wrapped her arms around my shoulder and tried to rest her head at the locker behind me.

                “I love you.” I hugged her back and just pretend that this is her only way of telling me she loves me too.

~~~

                “Unnie, you have to help me get Seulgi,” Joy said, determination can be seen through her eyes.

                “You’re seriously asking me that? With the reputation that I have, you’re still willing to put your non-existent love life into my hands?”

                “I’m serious, and it’s not non-existent, it’s about to happen.” she insisted.  “When was the last time you saw me being this serious?”

                “That’s the problem, this is the first time I saw you like this. And how do you know I could help you to get her?”

                “I just trust you, unnie. I know you’ve got the moves, and you have to teach me those,” she laughed as she finished talking.

                “Do I get the chance to say no?” I hit her arm jokingly before saying, “I’ll try my best.”

                Joy – she’s the only friend I have who knows and accepts me for who I am and the that I become. She never fails in making me smile or cheering me up. Maybe it was her forte after all. This is the first time she asked me this kind of favor, and I want to help this brat in front of me as much as I can.

                 “How’s Wendy being a girlfriend?” We were staying over at my apartment, trying to catch up on each other’s lives.

                “Don’t you want to ask first how I have been?”

                “I’m tired of listening to your drama, unnie. I give you advices, but you won’t listen to any. Just so you know, I really really want to hit your head right now just to wake you up, hoping you won’t get hurt anymore,” she said.

                “Then why don’t you?” I asked her, my eyes leaving her concerned one.

                “Because you haven’t done anything wrong to me. You were always there even if I should be the one comforting you. When will you even protect your heart?”

                I can’t look at her when she’s being like this. I know she truly cares for me but I haven’t been able to be the best person she sees through me.

                “Don’t you want to be deserved?”

                Her question filled my thoughts that night. I hate it that she always knows what to say, what is right, and what my heart desires. All I want is a person who can see me as I am, someone who understands me, and to be someone worthy of their love. I stared at the ceiling wide awake, when a person rings my door.

                I was surprised to see Wendy at my doorstep, looking very cold and let her in.

                “Hi,” she said simply. I can smell a faint odor of alcohol from her breath. “I had a few drinks with my friends nearby and ought to visit you for a while. Don’t worry I’m sober,” flashing her oh-so-charming smile at me.

                “I’ll get you water,” I said as I let her sit on the sofa.

                It is past midnight, and we are still awake. This is the longest we have talked personally, and I guess I’ve known a lot from her tonight.

                “Is there anything that worries you?” Wendy has been really good in keeping up the conversation. She never butts in when I talk and listens to every word I say. It’s like she’s mentally saving whatever information she could.

                “My painting projects probably,” I answered nonchalantly.

                “You could paint my beautiful face if you want,” she suggested cheekily.

                “I will.”Someday, I will.

                “No, seriously, what bothers you these days?”

                Maybe she’s not too slow in catching up on my response. But what worries me a lot is that I cannot open up to her. I am afraid that she will know too much about me, break through my façade, and sees through my soul all out once. I might chase her away too soon, or I may not let her go the day she decided to leave me.

                “School stuff is the only problem I know,” I looked at the clock and tried to change the topic. “It’s 2 am. Would you like to sleep over? I could let you borrow some clothes if you want.”

                I stood up not waiting for her to respond. As I was about to open the door to my room, I felt her hugging my waist gently.

                “Why do you keep on hiding yourself to me?” Her question caught me off guard I didn’t know what to say.

                “…”

                “I’m your girlfriend Irene. I want to know you. Please just be yourself,” her voice is so pure, I wanted to give in.

                “…” I still said nothing and tried to continue opening the door.

                She stopped my hand and lightly turned me to face her. I shouldn’t have looked into her eyes because it’s telling me that she’s different. That she’s not like any of my past. I shook my head, still being stubborn with this.

                Wendy softly cupped my cheek and I leaned in to her touch. I closed my eyes as she kissed me on my forehead. I wanted to cry when she kissed my eyelids. And my lips, she brushed hers onto mine as she whispered, “Please, Irene.”

                Her kiss is not like any from the ones we’ve shared. I’m scared to even describe how it feels. It’s not so aggressive, but I can feel her passion. It is so terrifying, that I don’t want to admit that I can feel her love somehow.

                “I love you,” I said as I held her hand cupping my cheek.

                I guess I’m still stupid to even assume that she loves me too.

                “I love you, Wendy… I love you.” It is really painful to be the only one loving. I tried stopping my emotions, and tried prolonging the kiss even my breath won’t permit me to do so. She pulled out for a while to let me breathe and continued where we left off.

                “I love you too.”

                Words I have been longing. It rendered me motionless that I stopped responding to her kisses. She proceeded kissing my neck whilst opening the door to my room. My emotions caught up to me one by one – contentment, fear, pleasure and the intensity of our love.

                I was never ready for this. I may have been called a , but never was I touched. But Wendy made me feel magic as she explored every inch of me; madness as I crumble to her every whim; heaven when she says ‘I love you’ each time I scratch her back; and sin as she finally took me completely.

~~~

                I was expecting see Wendy beside me as I open my eyes. Instead, I noticed a note at the head board.

                “I need to be early for practice at school. I didn’t want to wake you up. I know you were tired. I cooked. Just eat up before going to school and take care… for me.

                -Wendy-”

                I came to school just to be informed that my class has been cancelled. Surprisingly, I wasn’t upset at all. In fact, I felt like I want to express myself through something – a painting or a sketch perhaps. I found Joy sitting on a stool at the drawing room. We were silent for a while when I glanced at Joy’s drawing and saw a whole chicken on a plate.

                “You should’ve said you’re hungry,” chuckling at her silly drawing. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to get some food.

                “You are so happy. I do not have the heart to spoil it.” This girl really is something.

                “Where do you want to eat? My treat!,” so much for being in a good mood.

                “Let’s walk through the field first, I need to see Seulgi for a while then I’ll decide.” She smiled so much; I thought she’s daydreaming while walking. “And speaking of, you haven’t taught me anything yet,” frowning at my direction.

                We were walking at the side of the field, when suddenly Joy stopped. I questioningly looked at her.

                “Where’s Seulgi?” she asked while anxiously looking anywhere.

                Sure enough, the cheerleaders were practicing at the middle of the field, and Seulgi is not there shouting orders. I tried helping Joy in finding her when her gaze finally settled along the benches. I followed her stare and saw Seulgi in a lip lock. As if they felt someone watching them, both of them turned in our direction and I felt my life draining out of me when it turned out that the girl Seulgi was kissing is Wendy.

                Both Joy and I were rooted on our spots and when Wendy stood up seemingly going in our direction, I grabbed Joy’s arm and walk away as fast as I could.

                “Irene!” Wendy’s voice is too loud, gosh.

                I walked faster as a response.

                “Irene, let’s talk please,” and I didn’t know she’s a fast walker too. She had reached my arm but I shook it off.

                “No. Joy’s hungry. We’re going. Bye.”

                And just like that, Joy was snatched away from me. I turned back and saw Seulgi dragging a dazed Joy with her. I closed my eyes, inhaled some air and instantly faced Wendy.

                “What?!” I shouted.

                Wendy grabbed my hand and led me in a secluded hallway.

                “I can explain,” Wendy started. “Seulgi’s my best friend.”

                “So shall I be kissing Joy right now?” I asked sarcastically, half shouting.

                “No, it’s not that. It was just a re—,”

                “You could’ve told me we’re over. It’s easier.”

                “It’s not over, Irene.”

                It pisses me off that her voice is still calm and sweet. I started throwing anything at her – my sketch pad, notebook; just anything. “Practice? Practicing what, huh?!”

                “Irene, please.” And I hate it that she’s pleading.

                “Shut up!” I pushed her hard when she tried to hold me. “Go away!”

                I hit her shoulders and pulled her jersey, ripping it at the sides by my force.

                “Leave me alone!”

                And with one last push, “I hate you!”

                Wendy stopped fighting with me, looked me one last time in the eye, and left me alone on the hallway.

~~~

                It doesn’t seem like it’s just yesterday when I told Wendy I’ll be painting her beautiful face. I’m alone at my apartment, and felt like painting. Never has it been that I painted my ex’s face. But in front of this blank canvas, every time I close my eyes and think, Wendy’s face would come up in HD.

                Her slightly brown hair flowing perfectly with the wind; her eyes that can look tenderly through me, expressing all her emotions with those; her nose that brushes mine so often; and her lips that curve up into a near-smirk-smile, you can’t ask for more.

                Wendy, an artwork herself, making me feel everything; taking me to new heights then suddenly drops me off and fall back to ground without caution and still admire her for who she is. I missed how her name easily escapes my lips and her entire being that leaves too much impression. The months without her took out a lot on me.

                And like any other artwork, I put it up in the last exhibit for the school year. For a day, it is my duty to stay at the event. Joy visited me at the last minute.

                “Unnie. I hate you,” maybe I do deserve it.

                 I smirked at her. It’s not that I can say I hate her back, because I don’t.

                “You got me Seulgi.”

                “And I lost Wendy.”

                “You chose to lose Wendy.”

                Nice.  Here comes my sermon. It does not help that I am in front of my latest heartbreak work of art – Wendy.

                “…”

                But nothing came. Because Joy is gone… with Seulgi.

                “Great,” I sighed as I watched them walk away. “You forgot about me already. I thought I was your favorite? Seulgi is better than having me, huh? I expected you to comfort me, but I guess I’ve been too much. You don’t visit my apartment anymore. I’m miserable, I’m a mess, and I feel alone. There’s too much Wendy sketches at home already and still can’t get enough. So much for being a fool, I shouldn’t have let her go.”

                I turned around, ready to go just to see Wendy, standing right across me, leaving just enough space to let me see her fully.

                “I haven’t forgotten about you, and you’re still my favorite if that helps. And for the last time, Seulgi is my best friend. She asked me to help her with Joy, but when she saw her, she kissed me, forgetting I have you as my girl. I’m sorry about that. I tried comforting you that day, but you’re right, you were too much. You didn’t even let me talk. I thought I lost my right to visit your apartment so I didn’t. You’re alone? It’s a good thing then, I brought you hot chocolate. I hope it’ll help you feel better, if not, you can have me then. Thank you for still not forgetting how I look. You shouldn’t really let me go. Do you want to take me back?”

                She doesn’t change much except for the color of her hair. Her look is still the same; the way I feel that her eyes see through me; her gaze that makes me feel bare; and in that just one look, I know I’m hers – only hers. Her presence was so unexpected; I was mute throughout her speech. I suddenly felt embarrassed from the words I said.

                “Because, I really want you back,” she added, finally getting my sanity back.

                I crossed the space left between us and hugged her as tight as I could. She wrapped her arms around me not too long after.

                “I’m sorry,” I breathed through her hair. “I’m sorry.”

                Her hand rubbed around my back, as if trying to say it’s alright.

                “You have a weird way of saying yes,” she chuckled.