"Friends forever...?"

It was calm that night, Yuri reckoned as she stayed locked up in a small hut by the sea, her lips chapped, her eyes sore, b with tears. She rubbed on her eyelids furiously as she tried her best to stop herself from breaking down. But it was no use, she knew, as she bit on her lip until it bled. She accepted that she was now gone. Out of her reach. But she didn't expect her to just give everything up so easily. Clutching an envelope in her hand, it's paper old and worn through time, she remembered the first three words that she had written. The pages must have been torn, it's leaves yellow through the years it has been kept hidden. 

 

Yuri continued to cry. Yuri continued to wait. Because she couldn't say goodbye. Not yet. Her phone has been ringing over the past few minutes, with worried messages from the other members and missed calls from their leader, Taeyeon. She pocketed the device, a bitter smile etched on her face. She knew that Taeyeon was hurt, too. That she was on the point of breaking down. But she had to stay strong. Because she was eldest. Because she was supposed to protect them. Because she was supposed to support them. Because she was the one who was supposed to carry them when they are drunk, or weak, or sleepy, or tired. Because she was the one who holds them together. The nine of them.

 

And that made Yuri have all the more respect for her. That behind her dorky smile, her childish face, her seemingly carefree personality, was someone who had to be strong. Someone who had to fix all her broken pieces by herself. Something Yuri couldn't do, she realized now as she knew how broken and desperate she already was. And how that person who was supposed to stick her back together was gone. Gone too far. Gone too soon. That's why Yuri was left behind. Because she didn't have the chance to catch up.  

 

It has been days since she saw Jessica cry and beg, and plead. But they didn't have a choice. It was never their choice to begin with. It has been days since Jessica dried her own tears up, put off a brave front, and packed her belongings. It has been days since Jessica left without saying anything. It has been days since Yuri started replaying everything in her head. 

 

Because she knew that time never goes in reverse when our minds wander back to the past.

 

But she couldn't help but wish that time would stop for her.

 

Because that was what she only wanted at the moment.

 

 

Time.

 

And Jessica.

 

She stood up from the bench, and with a small sniff, stood by the window sill overlooking the sea. She heaved a soft sigh as she gave a light pat onto the hut's wall. This place was their own. Her's and Jessica's. Their's only. The place that nobody but the two of them knew. A secret hideaway. A place not even knowm amongst the members. Yuri her dry lips before walking out the hut, her bare feet touching coarse sand. She had found the place when they were young, as trainees. When Jessica couldn't stop crying. When she'd have to find a place that would make the ice princess calm down. 

 

Both made promises that night.

To go here, in this hut, when they feel sad.

When they are in the brink of losing themselves amidst everything.

To stay as best buds.

To never forget every memory, every inch and detail of it.

 

She sat down as warm, salty tears started to flow from her eyes once again, her cheeks damp.

 

But this time she let it be.

 

This time, she decided that even if it was foolish, she'd wait for her.

 

Because they promised each other.

 

Because for the last time, Yuri wanted to hope.

 

That she would come.

 

That Jessica won't forget.

 

That after all of this, they would part ways.

 

But by then, she hoped she wouldn't feel heavy within her heart.

 

By then she won't have this raging feeling in the pit of her stomach.

 

Because by then, she hoped she'd be able to look back and smile at the moments that made her cry out, that made her weak. Like faded memories. Like the old times.

 

Because by then she'd be set free.

 

She and Jessica. Both of them.

 

 

Cold water rised up to the soles of her feet.

 

They come in waves, Yuri thought as she splashed at the water slightly with her toes. 

 

Missing her comes in waves too.

 

Still holding the letter in her hands, she finally let her walls crash. 

 

She stayed holding the note, holding onto their promises to each other, as she hummed to Jessica's part in their songs.

 

She wondered how the sea managed to remain calm despite her heart crashing against her chest.

 

---

---

 I love you. That's the first thing I want to say.

 

"At least I know I won't let go of your hand"

 

"W-what?" I saw Jessica stutter, her eyes b with tears. "Hey, Tiff, today is not April fools, alright? If this is another one of your jokes then I'm not buying it." Jessica forced a laugh. Tiffany took a step forward, placing a hand onto her shoulder. 

 

"W-we're sorry, Jessica. W-we tried to talk it out with Kim Young Min but- but he-"

 

"He what?" Jessica scoffed. "He ditched me? And you let him?!" Jessica pushed Tiffany. I know she feels betrayed. I know because I feel like I betrayed her too.

 

"W-we didn't have a choice, Jess!" Tiffany whimpered, tears falling freely. "We didn't have a say in this ing thing we call contract!"

 

"Oh you did, Tiffany. All of you. But you didn't try hard enough, did you?" She spat.

 

"You didn't want me to succeed, did you?" 

 

"You didn't want me, an idol, to start up a business, did you?" Jessica glared at us. And I can see how her eyes bore on mine.

 

"You didn't want me happy, did you?"

 

"A-all of you. Y-you, did you think of me as a sister? A-as family? I thought I got your back on this?! I though you are all open the idea of me dating? Of having my own business? H-how could you do this to me now?" Her voice broke from all the crying.

 

"Jess, we did what we-"

 

"Don't you call me Jess, Hwang Miyoung! You knew you could have done something! And you, Sunny. She looked at the petite woman. How could you? You are the niece of Lee Soo Man, right? You could have done something!" She screamed in paranoia.

 

"Enough!" Taeyeon shouted. "We did our best, Jung Sooyeon. Don't you dare blame my members on this. Don't you even think about us, at all? Don't you even know how hard we tried, for you? Don't you know how this ty mess you made for youself- how, how hard it would be to fix? That even if I knew, that it was wrong, that even if I was worried on what would happen if you leave, I supported you? How can you put the blame on all of us? We did what we can for you, for 's sake!" Taeyeon clutched at her own hair, her stress and desperation showing.

 

I wonder why I haven't made a move back then. I wonder why I stayed standing still, feeling my body go numb as salty tears flowed out.

 

"Don't you dare blame my members...huh?" Jessica replied icily. "So I'm not one of you."

 

"Jessica that's not what-"

 

"So I don't belong to Girl's Generation anymore. Wow, Kim Taeyeon! You sure are quick to move on from this." She breathed out, a bitter smile on her face. "I didn't know you were like this, leader."

 

"Jung Sooyeon, listen to-"

 

"Listen to you?! Why don't you, listen to me?! I- I talked this out with Mr. Kim, remember? You were there, right? You saw us. You heard everything, right? Then why-h-how could it end like this?!"

 

"Unnie, please stop." A small voice entered. Tears were falling from her own orbs, too, as she bit her lip amd stared at the ground. She was ignored as usual. Seohyun. Our maknae. I didn't want to have to see her cry. We promised that she'd only be crying tears of joy, remember, Sica? 

 

 

"What, Kim Taeyeon, what?! I'll listen? I'll listen alright. I'll listen to how you'd explain that you wanted what's best for us, for the group and-"

 

"Don't you think that I've done enough?! Don't you think that you are being selfish?! Can't you get the point, Sica-"

 

"Unnie, Stop!" Seohyun shouted, her fist clenched. "Please...just stop. I- I don't want to see all of us fighting. W-we, we talk things out right? Like you said so, before? W-we talk things out a-and we d-don't- we don't argue, remember? That we end everything with saying sorry?"

 

"S-Seohyun-ah." I see Jessica's expression soften. "U-unnie didn't mean to scare you, I-I'm"

 

"Alright, girls." A knocking came at their dorm. It was manager-oppa. 

 

"Oppa doesn't know what's taking you so long, but you need to get out now! You're going to be late for your event in China! I'll be fired from my job, you ladies! How am I supposed to feed my children? How am I supposed to face my wife? How am I-"

 

"Y-yes, oppa. We're sorry. We'll be coming." Taeyeon tried to sound cheerful, amidst her voice cracking.

 

"Yah-Taeyeon-ah, are you crying?" Manager said as he knocked once more. "What's wrong with your voice?"

 

"N-no of course not, oppa! You know me, I-Im strong, right? It's just a simple cold. Don'r you worry a single bit." Taeyeon wiped her tears once more before sniffing.

 

"We'll talk to you Jessica, once you're ready to talk to us. C'mon guys, let's go."

 

 

 

She told me to go. To go away from Sica. I wonder why I bothered to stay.

 

I wonder why I held her hand. 

 

I wonder why I had to at least want to say something.

 

I wonder why, at that point in my life, I didn't hold her tight, didn't tell her how much she means to me.

 

I wonder why she pushed me back.

 

I wonder why she wanted me  far from her. 

 

Because when she said, "Go away, Yuri-ah. Don't touch me. Don't even dare talk to me now." I wondered, whether she still thought of me as a friend.

 

Because I know I did.

 

 

I did think of her as a friend.

 

 

Because that's the only thing we could ever become.

 

 

And now-even that- even that torturous piece I call heaven, the sickeningly painful but pleasing thing I cling on to, just vanished.

 

 

I wonder why she didn't hold onto my hand as I fell.

 

---

 

But telling you this right now Sica....I'm already too late... am I not? You are popular among the guys after all.

 

Like warm and comfortable clothes, you always cozily embraced me

 

"Jinja." Tiffany breathed out, faking an exasperated smile, her eyes turning once more into those perfect crescents.

 

"I didn't know why our title track was called Mr. Mr.!" She pointed to Sooyoung and Yoona as laughter erupted from the crowd. 

 

"Yah, I'll kill you when we get home Hwang." I heard Sooyoung say in between gritted teeth.

 

"R-relax, unnie." Yoona rubbed on the shikshin's back. "This is just entertainment, remember? Variety Show? You've gotta show your best appearance? Cheerful princess? This is Guerilla Date?" Yoona gave off hints, but it was obvious that Sooyoung was pissed.

 

Leaning over to Sooyoung's shoulder, I whispered to her, "Smile and I'll treat you to dinner when I get my next pay."

 

Her face lit up into a bright smile, as she joked about her relationship with Kyung-Ho oppa. Turning back to me she her lips.

 

"I'll keep that in mind."

 

I did an ok sign with my fingers, as I winked at her playfully. Plopping myself back to the chair, I poked at the samgyeopsal aimlessly. Somehow, I didn't have any appetite. 

 

Thinking about it, why had our album been called as Mr. Mr? If we'd base it on reality, then it would have been...Mr.Mr.Mr....let's see. A man for Sooyoung, a man for Yoona, a man for Tiffany, a man for Taeyeon...and...and Jessica. Jessica is dating, once again. And I still didn't have the guts to confess to her. I wonder how did those men do it? Were they ever nervous in front of Jessica? Were their palms sweaty, their throats dry? Did they stutter as they confessed? Befause I know all I had to do was hand her my letter.

 

But I couldn't do it.

 

 

I just can't. 

 

Because I've promised.

 

Friends forever...right?

 

 

"Alright," an MC started talking, wearing his signature smile. "Let's talk about the two love birds here-" 

 

Sooyoung quickly stuffed a piece of pork wrapped in lettuce into his mouth, saying "Here, eat some. You must be really tired from all the talking." I guess she wanted him to shut up. He smiled as he was busying himself on swallowing the huge chunk of meat. He must be so happy right now. Turning back to the camera, he quickly changed the topic, asking Taeyeon about what she thought of the Mr. Mr. album.

 

"You know, there are these songs that I didn't like, but got really mainstream." Taeyeon snickered. The other members started chatting; I fake a smile.

 

"What is that?" The MC asked, curiosity present in his eyes.

 

"Gee." Taeyeon smiled. "The first time I heard the song, I was thinking this won't get far." 

 

"But it did." Tiffany interrupted. "Then there are these songs she really liked, but it didn't go as popular as she wanted it to be." Tiffany teased.

 

"Hmmm.." The man rubbed on his chin before asking, "What do you think of Mr. Mr. Taeyeon-ssi?"

 

Silence went to the crowd unti Taeyeon squeaked, "I-I liked it." 

 

The whole area erupted with laughter, Taeyeon unconsciously doing her ajumma-laugh.

 

And I was supposed to laugh, really. Be happy like everyone else.

 

But how could I? How could I when inside my mind is nothing more than Jessica?

 

When I've been dreaming all along? 

 

When I feel like I couldn't ever wake up from this nightmare?

 -

"Good job, everyone." The MC congratulated us as he shook hands with all of the members.

 

I feel an elbow nudge me from behind.

 

"Hey Yuwree-yah." Tiffany cooed, faking am American accent to try and cheer me up. Her pronounciation in Korean has gotten a lot better, actually. "What's the problem? Stuck yourself in some Sica-spell?" 

 

"Hush!" I clamped shut. Only she knows I like her best friend since forever, Jessica. Amd she used that to tease me every single time. "By the way, where is she?" I asked only to receive a sneer from her.

 

"She's heading back first. Say's she's got something to talk about with Kim-CEO. Can't you be a little patient, ya love sick fool?"

 

I feel the heat creep up my neck. Fanning myself with my hands, I walked away.

 

"I'll be going to the dorm first, Fany-Fany."

 

 

I didn't know anything at all. I didn't expect everything to happen so fast.

 

 

Walking inside the dorm, I found an array of food set by the table. There is my favorite cake, too. Coffee-flavored.

 

And then there is Jessica. Her hair was tied up into a bun as she set up the food, a wide smile on her face.

 

"Oh, Yuri-ah!" She asked me over before giving me a hug. "I'll set up the food. You go take a shower first, you stink." Fanning the air, she pushed me away.

 

"What?" I raised my arms trying to . "My armpits don't stink. Here have a whiff." I say chasing her around the house.

 

"Yah get off of me!" She squealed as I caught her in my arms.

 

Leaning over her shoulder, I asked, "What's the big idea tonight, hmmm?" 

 

"It's a surprise for later." She winked, and with a giddy smile pushed me to the bathroom.

 

Getting out from the room, I felt quite dizzy, the steam probably getting to me. Fixing comfortable clothes on, I went back to the dining area, all of the members looking at me. They came back earlier than I expected.

 

"Sheesus, Yul. What were you washing? You took a lot of time in there ya know." Taeyeon stuck her tongue out at me. "We had to wait for you while looking at the food, cause according to your princess here, "We should wait for Yuri~." Taeyeon tried to make her voice high and nasal, receiving a slap on the shoulder from Jessica.

 

I laughed, setting myself on the chair in front of Jessica.

 

"Guys, I have something important to announce." She started, and I swallowed an invisible lump in my throat.

 

"I-im getting married soon. I've talked about it with the CEO and he agreed with my business and everything."

 

I felt dumbfounded. I was numbed. Because that means we can't be together anymore. Because that means no more Girls Generation.

 

And amidst them all giving her praises, and congratulatory words, I couldn't bring myself to.

 

I couldn't do it.

 

I don't know how to say goodbye to her with a smile.

 

---

 

And I know that. And I don't want to make things more difficult than it should be. So I'd be your friend amidst this confession. I'll be your sister, even if I wanted more.

 

When glaring lights are turned off, a day goes by. I cannot control my sloping shoulders and my empty mind.

 

"I'm serious this time, Yuri-ah." She breathed out as her head made its way into my shoulder. The way she leans onto me is so natural. Like my shoulder was made for her alone.

 

My heart clenched at her words. Another year has passed and I still haven't given her my letter. I don't think I could ever find my chance.

 

"Yah." She waves a hand in front of me. "Are you dozing off? Were you even listening to what I said?" She pouted, and I caught myself being lost in her eyes once again.

 

"Y-yeah, yeah I was." I stuttered and she clung to my shoulder before saying, "Do you have a boyfriend behind my back? Cause seriously I would get jealous if you do." 

 

"N-no! Why would I?" I inched myself away from her.

 

"Good. Cause you are my seobang." She said playfully, inching her way back to me, removing the space I created.

 

I try to change the topic back to her. "So...our Sica is finally being a woman, huh? Meeting guys and being sure he is the one."

 

"Yeah. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He is different, you know? Tyler is. Like he is never scared to stand up for me...such a dream guy."

 

"Alright, enough with the talk. I'm feeling like a third-wheel." I playfully shoved her away. Standing up, I try my best to be the bestfriend I am. The bestfriend I would like to remain as forever.

 

 

"As long as you are happy, Sica. I will be happy too as long as you are." I say as I walk away from her.

 

"Now let's go back. I wouldn't want to catch a cold before my performance. It's freezing in here." 

 

 

And to say it honestly, I didn't want to break away from her. I wanted to stay. But I can't.

 

 

I heard her run to my direction, footsteps getting louder. She hugged me from behind as she buried her face on my back. 

 

 

Soothing. Yes it was soothing. In a painful way.

 

 

"Yuri-ah." She hugged me tighter. "Thank you for letting me meet Tyler. For being my best friend. I love you."

 

"What are friends for?" I asked with a laugh, my back her. "And who was the one who told me never to run even if you are late?" I teased to lighten the mood.

 

 

"I'll run if it was for you, Yuri-ah."

 

And with those words, my heart shattered; the letter, my feelings, my confession continuously pushed back deeper and deeper and deeper.

 

 

I know there is no way out.

 

---

 

So I wanted to say thank you. For you being yourself, for understanding me.Because I know I can be difficult. I know you were spent. I know there were mamy times you wanted to quit. I know you were broken before you even said you would.

 

I'm still at the same place. I'm weary from wandering by your side.

 

Yuri bit her lip, tasting copper, as the clock ticks half past one and the doors opened, revealing a half sober Jessica, kissing Taecyeon, not willing to let go. The other members had slept, and she decided to wait for her return, not thinking she would have come to see this. Clearing , she pulled Jessica back in the dorm not before giving Taecyeon a quick bow.

 

"Yuri..." Jessica slurred. "Why do you have to be such a party-pooper? Can't you see oppa is there-"

 

"You're drunk, Sica. This is not you." Placing her on the sofa, she gave her a glass of water, to which the latter pushed away. 

 

"What's not me?! Don't you want to see me happy, Yuri? I-i've finally moved on from Donghae-oppa, Yuri-ah. Didn't you want to see me smile again?"

 

"This! Everything is different, Sica. The Sica I know doesn't drink this much, let's a boyfriend of less than a week kiss her, or touch her, not like this." Yuri felt her blood boil, because she knew Jessica is destroying herself. And it has reached a point where Yuri couldn't plunge in to save her.

 

"You don't know me, Kwon Yuri." Jessica said coldly. And before, before Yuri was sure it would have scared her. But now it's different.

 

"Maybe what you said is true, Sica." Yuri walked closer to the woman. She dyed her hair brown. Jessica took steps backward as Yuri continued on. "Maybe I don't know you." 

 

"Maybe I don't deserve to be here right now."

 

 

"But you know, Sica, you don't know me too. Not one bit."

 

Glancing into the latter's direction one last time, she continued, "I left you your clothes over there, and I've also heated up soup for you. Go wash yourself and eat something. It should at least help with thehangover soon." And she shut the door to her room tight, before crawling up to her bed, trying her best to stay quiet as possible to not wake Yoona up, before curling herself up in a ball and letting herself break down.

 

-

 

Yuri continued squirming, and kicking, and rolling on the bed. Taking a quick peek at her phone, the lights flashed a two-fifty, blinding her momentarily. Another sleepless night, Yuri thought, as several things went inside her head.

 

What if Jessica fainted in the bathroom?

 

 

What if she didn't eat?

 

 

What if she has a fever?

 

 

What if she couldn't take care of herself-

 

"Unnie!" Yoona groaned. "If you are that worried about Sica-unnie, then swallow your pride and go talk to her, alright? Sheesh, you've been kicking me for hours! I've got a drama to shoot at four-thrity!"

 

"Alright, alright." Yuri stood up, glad for the push Yoona gave her. "Unnie is sorry, alright?" She tucked the doe-eyed member in before muttering a silent thank you, all of which the woman didn't hear.

 

"Alright Yuri," the tanned woman muttered as she reached for the handle of the door. "You are used to apologizing first. Because you are seobang. And besides, she might be sleeping. I'll jist check on her and-"

 

A figure standing by the frame surprised Yuri as she opened the door.

 

'Did Jessica wait for her all this time?', Yuri wondered but it was soon replaced by worry as a crying Jessica lept onto Yuri, her messy locks tangled, smelling of strawberry. Jessica held tighter as she buried her face in the crook of Yuri's neck. No words were spoken for a fragment, and at that time, Yuri thought, she must be hurt too.

 

"Sorry, Yuri-ah." Jessica sniffed as she rubbed her red, puffy eyes.

 

Yuri smiled a little before running her fingers into her hair. "Hey, it's alright. Seobang should be sorry for snapping at you like that." and then continued with "you are a baby after all, shorty." earning herself a light shove. She knew Jessica didn't mean it though as she was pulled back into the embrace of the Korean-American.

 

"Can you...stay with me tonight, Yuri?" Jessica pleaded as she clung onto Yuri, shutting the door at the same time. "Just for tonight? Please?"

 

And Yuri let the petite body drag her onto another room, Jessica's small hands cold against her own. Laying Jessica down on her bed, Yuri instinctively drew circles at the latter's hand. Jessica breathed in deeply before muttering,"If you were a man, I'd totally marry you." And Yuri smiled gently before patting the formers head until nothing can be heard except for her own mind speaking, shouting, trying to break free. Seeing her breathing go to a steady pace, she scooched even further until she was close to her. Close to Jessica. So close she could feel her breath on her skin.

 

Shrugging all other thoughts away, she placed her lips upon Jessica's forehead, silently hoping she stayed asleep. 

 

And at that moment, only one thought entered her mind.

 

If she can't be more than a friend, she'll have to be her friend.

 

She closed her eyes that night, with her heartbeat pounding loudly in her chest.

 

If she would give up, she might as well surrender to someone who deserves Jessica. 

 

Someone who could love her more than she does.

 

Someone who would brave through things with her.

 

---

 

But you stayed. And I am grateful. In every moment I wake, and every secomd I spend with you, I truly am, Sica. Because without you SNSD wouldn't be comeplete, would it? Because jigeum, apeurodo, yeongwonhi, those words meant nothing without you saying it with us. Without you standing on the same stage as we do, holding our hands and spending every laughing and crying moment together as a family.

 

Always be next to me

 

"Oppa!" Yuri screamed over the line, a hand cupping the mouth piece of the phone. "How could you do that! Don't you know how difficult a situation Sica is in right now?"

 

"Yuri-ah. I'm sorry-" Yuri groaned inwardly at the velvety voice on the opposite end. Now she knew why Jessica liked Donghae-oppa. He is too good with words. "-I know there is no excuse to this, and that I chose my career over her, alright? It can't be helped, Yuri. Manager-hyung caught us and threatened to end my career on the spot, I couldn't help it! But please tell her that I love-"

 

"If you did love her, you wont do this, oppa." Yuri cut him off, her heart beating fast due to anxiety, or due to answering back to a senior, she didn't know. But she continued.  

 

"If you loved her, you wouldn't lead her on..because if you loved her like I- like we did, you wouldn't let her go that way."  Yuri hung up her phone in disgust. Jessica had been crying for the past hour about Donghae dumping her. And when she couldn't do anything but look at her, she felt useless. Fixing her t-shirt, she put on her shades before stepping out of the room, big ocean waves greeting her.

 

They were at sea. The nine of them. Yuri looked around before spotting Jessica. This time, the latter smiled a bit more.

 

Yuri ran happily into her direction. If Tiffany says the beach could heal Jessica's wounded heart, then it might be true after all.

 

Maybe all they needed was a vacation. A little salt water to heal wounds.

 

Even hers.

 

-

 

"I'll head back first." 

 

When Yuri heard those words, she couldn't help but feel a little wary for Jessica. Because Jessica never liked being alone. The rest nodded happily, oblivious of what is happening, but Yuri thought that there was something more. Swimming back to the shore, she realized, the sun has set, many people going back into the rest house.

 

"Want some skinny-dipping, you black pearl?" Taeyoen shouted from the distance.

 

"No thanks, you ert. Seriously," Yuri shouted into the waters, "calm your raging hormomes! You should be past puberty by now!"

 

The rest of the group laughed as Yuri grabbed the nearest towel and dried herself off. A hand made its way into her wrists though, stopping her from going anywhere.

 

"Oh. Hey Tiff." Yuri said, and she bit her lip at her own cold response. She shouldn't be like this. Not to Tiffany. Not to anybody else.

 

"Yuri. I need to talk to you. Seriously." Tiffany searched for Yuri's eyes before continuing, "You...like Jess, right? I mean like like. Not the friendly one either."

 

"Sheesh, what are you thinking, Fany-ah?" Yuri joked. "You know I like Won Bin and Hyun Bin and-"

 

I- I accidentaly overheard you on the phone earlier."

 

"Tiffany," Yuri held her by the shoulders. "I'm going to cut to the chase, alright? Can you keep this a secret between us?"

 

"I know you would say that." Tiffany said before reaching in  and hughing Yuri tight, as if she knew what her pain meant. And Yuri felt, that Tiffany understood her more than anybody else. "Don't worry, you secret is safe with me." She followed suit before whispering, "Don't do anything reckless, alright? You know the eight of us love you."

 

Giving her a final push, Tiffany smiled once again, and Yuri learned that Tiffany couldn't be herself without that smile.

 

"Go save your princess."

 

-

 

"Jessica!" Yuri cried out. The moon has risen, but even that couldn't give much light. She cursed at herself for forgetting to bring her flashlight, much less her phone. Yuri continued to search for the petite woman as she wondered how stubborn her unnie could be.  Jessica didm't stay in their room when she said she's heading back, after all and after searching the whole villa, the pack noticed that Jessica didn't bring anything with her. Yuri volunteered to go alone, a pleading look in her eyes until Taeyeon agreed saying to her, "Be thankful you're my second best bud. Be safe Yuri-ah."

 

Yuri found that it was even harder to go forward in the dark. Extendig her arms, she touched at everything for support hoping she wouldn't bump into anything. A slight sniff made her hopes up as she called for Jessica once more.

 

"Yuri...ah?" A voice came from the far end, and Yuri ran to see a petite figure all curled up in one corner, kneews drawn up. Like the first time she saw her crying, being pelted by obsessed fans.

 

"Hey." Yuri caught up to her as she panted, placing her weight on the rock she was leaning on to. 

 

"Let's go home, Sica." 

 

"I don't wanna." Jessica sniffed. "I thought nobody is ever gonna find me, and I was real scared you know? Now that you're here..." Jessica trailed off as she wiped her tears away, "Stay with me for a little while longer?"

 

Yuri held her breath before meeting Jessica's eyes. "Then let's go somewhere else. I found a great place for us to talk." Reaching a hand out to the latter, Yuri dragged Jessica along to a desolated hut.

 

And they shared secrets, and promises, and forever-best friends until even that ends. 

 

And that night, as Yuri carried a sleeping Sica back to the villa where everyone awaits them, she swore she saw Tiffany smirking st her.

 

But she couldn't care less.

 

---

 

So wipe those tears away, and smile a lot more, Sica

 

To make my life complete

 

"Yuri-ah?" There it is again, Yuri thought as she felt an ache in . Yuri leaned back further onto the headboard as she ran her fingers through Jessica's hair. She didn't know why Jessica liked sleeping on her lap. Everyone said it was hard and uncomfy  and would be better off as a punching bag, but Jessica always claimed it as her personal pillow. 

 

"Are you sleeping, Yuri?" Jessica muttered as she snuggled herself into Yuri. Yuri hummed in response. As much as she wanted to talk with Jessica, sleep was getting into her system. Being an idol requires hardwork after all, and a year or so into their debut, Yuri found her schedules getting piled up one after another. But now, today is different. Today, she didn't have any schedules, along with Jessica. Today, she is supposed to be her calmest. But somehow, Jessica's voice keeps calling out to her in her sleep. As if forcing her to wake up.

 

When all she wanted to do was dream.

 

"Yuri-ah..." Jessica began, and Yuri knew from her tone that there was something important she wanted to tell.

 

"Like...how would you feel...about...dating?" Jessica suddenly pressed a question that Yuri couldn't whack her brains for an answer. "W-well, you know we..can't. You know that, right? When we signed the contract?" Yuri felt her body tense up. She didn't like touching the subject.

 

"Yes-yes but...have you ever felt your heart skip for no reason at all? Like when you see this person, your throat has this familiar ache, and you feel like your over the clouds?" Jessica pushed on further.

 

"Yes. Yes I have." Yuri said coldly, a hand inside her pocket, clutching a letter she made last night. It was supposed to be a confession. 

 

But now she felt rejected even before saying anything.

 

"Because you know, Yuri-ah, I'm in love...and I-I'm dating now- but I'll tell tbe others too, it's not like I'll keep it secret from you guys." Jessica spoke faster now, Yuri observed, as her neck turned a bright red.

 

Yuri faked a smile as she ruffled the streaks of blonde on her lap. "Alright, you kid, who's the lucky guy?" 

 

"I'm not a kid!" Jessica pouted before hitting Yuri lightly in the thigh. "I-it's Donghae-oppa."

 

"O-oh, really. Good for you then, Sica. You know I'll defend you from the members if anything happens, right?" Yuri felt uncomfortable saying those words, but it was for the better. She knows it is.

 

"T-thank you, Yuri." Jessica sat up, before pulling Yuri in for a hug. "I knew I could count on you."

 

And Yuri hugged her back. And Yuri felt her pieces shattered in a way that it didn't even feel like breaking.

 

And as fast as it may get, night time came, and Yuri locked herself in her room. Amidst the clatter and boisterous fevor outside, she felt herself empty.

 

Laying the envelope flat on the table, she tore it open, furiously erasing the words written in graphite. She wanted to at least confess and give up along with it. Tears streaming down her eyes, she changed what she wrote, every bit of it, before sealing it once again.

 

She hoped that she can still be fixed.  Because she never realized until that night she was alone, that she had been torn in the saddest way. 

 

---

 

You never liked crying alone anyways.

 

There's no use in waiting for a miracle. It's our fate to fight all the rough times ahead.

 

 

 "Rawr!" A little Yuri shouted, her voice echoing against the walls of the whole room. Several looks were given at her, some shocked, others disgusted, her senior trainee, (was it Eunhyuk?) Laughing, his eyes forming a slit, barely visible. A girl at one corner was clicking her tongue in annoyance, as she flipped her hair amd crossed her arms.

 

Yuri felt pathetic,for the first time in her life. She continued her act, her roars and screams hiding the tears welling up in her eyes. She was embarrassed. Starting as a trainee, for Yuri was difficult. She never expected being an idol to be so difficult. She didn't know it meant harsh trainings, and diets, and sleeping late at night. And weekly talent showcases. Ones that didn't involve dinosaur impersonations.

 

"Ok, stop." A man probably in his 60's raised a hand. Adjusting his glasses, he squinted his eyes at her.

 

"Kwon Yuri? You do know what you did was not considered talent?"

 

Kwon Yuri was baffled. Growing up with a lot of confidence and optimism, she never knew how such simple words could bring her down.

 

"I-i have another talent to show-" she struggled with her words as she adjusted the music frantically on her player.

 

"We don't need any of that here in SM entertainment. Next time think about it thoroughly. You're a waste of space." And with a clap, "Next contestant!"

 

The crowd roared with laughter, seeing Yuri go down the stage in tears. Some were imitating her, others sneering. The same girl with blonde hair and piercing eyes walked past her, muttering "loser" in a single breath. Sitting in the far corner of the room, she saw a child like girl holding a small stuffed toy. Yuri wondered how can someone bring dookong into such a serious event.

 

"Hey, I liked your dinosaur a lot!" She chirped as she went closer to young Yuri. The tanned girl sunk onto the floor as tears kept falling down her beady eyes.

 

"I know. I know. You can tease all you want. I'm not capable as an idol, right? I'm a loser that's what you wanted to say-"

 

"No one is a loser here." The girl said her expression hardening. "Don't you dare say you cause no one else had the guts to do that but you."

 

Sniffing and wiping her tears away, Yuri choked out, "You-you think so?"

 

The latter gave her a firm pat. "I know so, Yuri-ah. I can call you that right?"

 

"How did you- oh it was announced a while ago, huh? My name?" Yuri knocked on her head before smiling," Thanks. I'm feeling a lot better now. What's your name?"

 

The girl showed her pearly whites as she grabbed the girl in a fierce headlock.

 

"Taeyeon. Kim Taeyeon. And this-"she said pointing to her toy-"Is my best friend. You can be second."

 

Yuri never felt accepted her whole life. And she never thought it would be with a kid who looks too young to be in a talent company. With a shrug, she let herself be dragged by Taeyeon into the crowd, happiness shown on her face.

 

"Now look at her." Taeyeon's eyes sparkled as she pulled Yuri closer. Yuri crinkled her nose at the scent of other trainees' sweat clamping down her nostrills. Another reason she didn't like being a trainee. She thought idols always smell good.

 

"She's Jessica Jung. The queenka in here. Been training for a long while. And yeah, to give you a brief description, she's cold, and many hates her for it but she's really great in singing. Real potential she has got there."

 

Standing on her tip-toes to take a peek, she saw the same blonde girl, for the third time as she sang. 

 

And Yuri got lost in her song.

 

And for once Yuri thought, she is really pretty when she sings. With a quick slap on both of her cheeks, she shut her eyes tight, all the while muttering, "Snap out of it, Kwon Yuri. You are not thinking a witch is pretty. You are not." All of which Taeyeon couldn't comprehend. Being the thoughtful of the two, Taeyeon placed a firm hand onto Yuri's forehead, then pushing her towards the exit.

 

"If you find this place suffocating, you could always leave you know? I'll be with you after all, second best bud."

 

The showcase was tiring. But that was never the end of it. Yuri huffed as she made her way into the dance practice room. She wanted to be an idol so bad. Because for her being an idol meant more than seeing fans root for her idol, dong bang shin ki. It meant more than "It's a waste of perfectly good energy." like what her mom said. It meant more than jumping around the stage instead of studying better for a good job like what her granny always told her. For her it meant more; what it meant she couldn't explain in words.

 

But it looks like a far-fetched dream, looking at her current standing in the sea of trainees.

 

Shaking the thoughts away, she opened the door, as three girls were seen huddled in front of her.

 

Giving a bow, she entered while muttering a small greeting. She didn't expect to see the blonde-haired trainee again. A hand stopped her from walking. Looking up to meet the eyes of the person, cold orbs stared back at her. They were brown. How can a color so warm feel cold, Yuri wondered many times since looking to those eyes.

 

"Take your shoes off when entering." The tall and lanky girl to the blonde's right said.

 

" ''Kay." Yuri took off her shoes but was surprised as the blonde inched closer to her.

 

"Are you speaking informally to me? To us?"

 

"N-no. Sorry, unnie. I'll do better next time." The girls dispersed and went back to their place by the corner, snickering to themselves while looking at her helpless situation.

 

Yuri glanced around the room, the sudden thought entering her mind.

 

Everybody else was wearing shoes into the practice room. Everybody but her. 

 

-

 

Years of training only had let Yuri know that the blonde's name was Jessica. And that they don't have that much of an to call her unnie. But being the obedient and scared trainee that she was, she followed suit.

 

"If  you can't beat them, join them." She recited like a mantra. After all, she couldn't care less. She has found her own group of friends to go through it with her. And if being in the same room with Jessica was to be her fate, she has resigned to it a long time ago.

 

After all, what is a little hardship to be able to achieve your dream? It's not like they would be in the same group. 

 

A hard shove hit her from behind.

 

"Sooyoung, Hyo!" She gave the two fist bumps. She became friends with the two, she thought to herself proudly. Now she doesn't have to call them unnie.

 

She became friends with almost everybody but Jessica.

 

"Hey, rumour has it that a girl group would be formed today, after the Super Junior oppas!" Sooyoung screamed, the tone of her voice in pure bliss.

 

"How I wish it would be me." Hyoyeon sighed dreamily. "How about you, Yul? Don't you want to be in the same group? We can sing and dance together!" Hyoyeon smiled at her.

 

Yuri managed a meek nod. She wanted it so bad. She was getting older year by year, and she hasn't debuted. If she won't debut by this year, she'd made up her mind to forget the dream altogether, study and probably become something else.

 

She said so, but she wasn't prepared to leave.

 

She said she can, but part of her wanted to stay. To stay and become an idol.

 

"Hey, don't be sad if we don't make it." Sooyoung flicked her forehead. Yuri didn't even have the heart to react to the stinging pain in her forehead.

 

"There's always tomorrow, or the next year!" Hyoyeon said.

 

And Yuri cried again, after many years of bottling it up.

 

If only there was a tomorrow like what they said.

 

Because Yuri knew all that she has is today. Nothing more, nothing less. And if she can't make it, everything would be a part of her memory.

 

Because Yuri knew that there would be no tomorrows if not for this thing called today.

 

-

 

"Kwon Yuri!" 7 girls screamed as they helped a certain teary-eyed tanned woman up the stage. She breathed in a sigh of relief.

 

She made it at last. The final desicion was made, a group of nine girls, they said. It would look nice, they said. They would all be chummy and friendly, they said.

 

But Yuri didn't seem to think so. Not with the disappointed look a certain member was giving her. Not with Jessica not even congratulating her.

 

But now, Yuri smiled, she couldn't care less. Pushing the other members clinging off her, she made her way to Jessica, a hand stretched out in front of her.

 

"Nice to meet you, unnie." 

 

But she was met with nothing. Not a smile, not a nod.

 

She stood there as the clanking of boots faded from the distance. 

 

Taeyeon, the assigned leader of the group pulled Yuri in. "Hey bud don't worry about it. I'll talk to her later. You know women, buddy. The loud types-" she said pointing to Tiffany, "and the hard-to-gets." Using air quotes this time, Yuri snickered at how she tried to prove her point.

 

'A hard to get, huh?' Yuri smiled. If she can charm the people proving her a good member to debut, she can charm her way through anybody.

 

Even Jessica.

 

-

 

Yuri knew Jessica loved being alone. She never knew why. Not until she was hit with an empty can of soda. Not until she saw a bob of blonde hair from the distance. Not until she swore she heard Jessica cry.

 

" You, Jessica Jung! Don't you dare steal our oppa from us, you fox!" A fan chased after her, as the rest followed suit. Armed with cans, bottles, fruit peelings, they acted as if they wanted her dead.

 

As if all the oppas were even theirs.

 

Yuri ran and pushed against the crowd. She needed to find Jessica quick. Because she knew that being an idol would be difficult. That envious trainees would surely think of any scandal to attempt and bring you down, pull you under along with them.

 

But Jessica doesn't have to face these even before debuting. Even before showing the world who she is.

 

Not before letting the world hear her sing. Because Jessica, for the tanned woman, was best when she does just that.

 

-

 

Yuri saw a crowd by the alley,heard the sound of someone crying. She never knew anyone could sound as pitiful as the state Jessica was in at that moment. Not being able to run. Not being able to fight back. Not being able to speak, or cover your your ears, or wish you could just disappear in that instant.

 

Because it is real. And when nightmares gets as real as this, Yuri knew that one would wish to just to cease existing .

 

But...Jessica continued to live, didn't she?

 

Shrugging her coat off her shoulders, she pushed past the angry mob, past what she was scared of the most, past what could ruin her career, past what could send her back to square one.

 

Because none of that matters, at this moment, she realized, placing the coat over the shocked woman before pulling her up to her feet, managing a short, "Let's get out of this place."

 

And Jessica clung to her, as she gave off a nod. 

 

If that's what people call as butterflies in the stomach, Yuri thought hers was far better.

 

-

 

"H-here." Yuri pushed a mug of hot chocolate, with marshmallows floating on top, occasionally bobbing like little snowflakes. Jessica reached for the mug, hands shivering before taking slow sips.

 

Yuri breathed in a sigh of relief, then the pang of awkwardness hit her.

 

"Your hair is wet." She didn't manage to catch herself as she let her words slip. And how she wished she could have bitten off her tongue that instant.

 

"Ummm..." Jessica trailed off, unsire of what she heard. "I just took a shower?"

 

"T-that's not what I meant." Yuri stuttered. "I- mean, that's what I meant but, that's not what-" With a loud groan, she stood up and went into her room, before coming out a few minutes later with a towel.

 

"I mean you should dry off or something , you don't wanna get sick, unnie-"

 

"Jessica." The blonde woman spoke, and Yuri saw the tips of the latter's ears go red.

 

"You can call me Jessica." She continued. "I think you know we don't have much of an anyways. I just can't understand why you always put up with the I'm doing." She finished with a sigh.

 

"Well, that's because we are going to be in a group soon, Jessica. And I don't want any member of my family hurt." Yuri said as carefully as possible as if testing the words out of , afraid it would scald her. Jessica. 

 

"I-i think-" Yuri spoke suddenly, preventing Jessica to talk- if she planned to- "I think I'll call you Sica."

 

"What?" Jessica stared at her wide-eyed, as if Yuri announced she had found the cure for cancer or something.

 

"I'll call you, Sica." Yuri said, confidence now back to her veins. "It's shorter, it's easier, and it's payment for saving you earlier."

 

"I didn't tell you to save me." Jessica said coldly as she stood up.

 

"I didn't tell you to do anything, at all." Yuri felt her breath hitch for a second as Jessica cupped her cheek.

 

"Be grateful I like Sica, else I would've kicked you in the shin right now, Kwon Yuri." She continued with a smile. Encircling her arms on the taller's waist, she buried her face onto the latter's chest feeling her warmth.

 

"There are so many things you've done for me. And I didn't even notice. So thank you for that. I guess there are many things I didn't know about you. Like how good you dance, or how clumsy you get on stage, or how pretty you look on camera. I want to get to know you more, Yuri-ah."

 

Pulling away from the hug, Jessica smiled her brightest.

 

"Just...cut back a little on the dinosaur alright? It's cute and all but it's too much."

 

---

---

 

The edge of Yuri's mouth curved into a tight smile as she tried to think of what went wrong along the way. She kept on rewinding every single moment from start to finish, but she knew that no matter what, things wont ever change or go the way she wants it to be.

 

"Y-Yuri-ah?" A small sniff broke the tanned woman's train of thought. Yuri turned around only to be met by the same brown orbs, the same eyes, the same lips, the same features that made her fall in love. The same Jessica.

 

Yuri took uncertain steps towards Jessica's direction, her body shaking with fatigue. But she had to hold her. Even if it would be for the last time.

 

"Yuri-ah." Jessica wailed continuously as she clung onto the tanned woman as if her life depended on it. "I'm sorry Yuri-ah. I-I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't want you to get away from my life. I- I wanted us to stay as family forever.I'm sorry Yuri-"

 

"Shhhh" Yuri placed a finger on to Jessica's lips silencing the latter. " I missed you, Jessica." She said as she hugged her closer for warmth. "I wanted to see you so bad." Yuri felt Jessica relax under her, and she felt like talking. Talking forever, not wanting it to end. She thought, if her words could make time stop, could make Sica stay and listen, then she'd do it forever.

 

"The other members..." Jessica said quite unsure of herself. "they still hate me, huh?"

 

Yuri tried to supress a giggle. " Are you now afraid of Taeng-umma?" Seeing the latter's forehead crease, she continued,"Everybody is worried for you, Sica. Everybody is waiting for you back at home." Pinching Jessica's nose, Yuri continued, "You should go home now."

 

"I-You know I can't, Yuri-ah." Jessica clung onto Yuri's damp t-shirt as she continued. "At least-at least not yet, Yuri. I need to prove something first. To myself. To you." And even when Jessica kept mum about it, Yuri knew that it was also for Tyler. Jessica giggled before pushing Yuri away, " Why do you treat me so nice, Yuri? After all that I had done to you? After what I said last time? I know you hate me. "

 

Yuri went closer to Jessica, the sand feeling rough agaisnt the soles of her feet, before pulling her in again, their bodies connected, and oh how Yuri thought to frame the moment. 

 

She'd have to tell her grandkids about this later on in her life.

 

"I dont hate you, Sica. I never did. You know I like you, right? I like the way you would whine or nag at me, I like it when you smile, I like it when you call my name. I never thought of you as a burden, Sica. Because you are more important than that."

 

Yuri felt Jessica tense under her, and then she continued,"Make me proud, Sica. Follow your dreams and come backto us. You know I'll be the first to welcome you. But by then you might not be so y. By then you might have a baby. Still, I'll find a way to carry you and twirl you around like I used to-"

 

Jessica kissed Yuri's cheek, tears falling from her own eyes as she muttered her thanks.

 

Sticking her pinky finger out, Jessica took a few steps backwards, her courage regained.

 

"Friends forever?"

 

Yuri felt tighten and relax as she smiled, her eyes turning into its own crescents. She knew Jessica wasn't going anywhere anymore. She was sure she'd stay, no matter how far she went or how many places she would ever go. Because for Yuri, she always remained. And through out that night, no matter how tragic it may seem, Yuri learned that love wasn't limited to being a couple, raising children, or building a family. That sometimes, it is more than that. 

 

 

Sometimes being a bestfriend is fine. Sometimes not telling how much you love a person is not cowardly. Because it takes the same amount of persistence to convey your love as it is to keep it locked. It takes the same amount of courage to wait for a person as it is to watch in the sidelines, not wanting to hear an "I'm sorry I couldn't love the way you did for me." 

 

 

And for Yuri, that is why memories always seem a lot real than reality itself.

 

Because it keeps moments, and fragmets, and pieces chipped away.

 

Because it keeps everything together.

 

Because it keeps her heart intact. Beating. Alive.

 

But this time, she knew she should let it go.

 

She knew the flashbacks and replays would have to stop.

 

 

 

Yuri ruffled the brown locks, her chest feeling light. She knew she could love her forever if she wanted to. She knew she has all the time in the world.

 

 

And inside a little place in her head, she closed the eyes in her heart as she knew she'd let everything sleep.

 

 

 

It is time she had her rest.

 

 

Locking their fingers together in a single promise, she whipered to her, words she knew meant so much for the both of them.

 

"Friends forever."

 

 

 

THE END

---

Author's Note:

+I'm listening to Akmu's Time and Fallen Leaves and Ra.D's Goodbye as I wrote this story..these two really got stuck in my head lol:)

+Firstly, I'm sorry for those of you who expected Yulsic to end up together. I tried to piece them, but for this fic they just wont :(

+Those parts at the top are flashbacks going backwards, so If you didn't understand it, go to the bottom part, with the dino-Yuri until she and Jessica became friends  and go up :) the horizontal lines will guide you haha

+Each section of the story is divided by the bold words on top which were lyrics to SNSD's song from most recent to the beginning...all of which were Jessica's parts. 

+The italicized words at the top was Yuri's letter.

+Next, I would want to greet my unnie and friend here on AFF, you know I had a lot on my mind while I was creating this. That's why it took longer:) I hope you read until this point though, or else you would miss the special mention :)

+Lastly, I want to ask you, readers, would you ever risk telling the truth to somebody, or keep it hidden? Would the truth set you free?Because we all have truths hidden within us. And we have got to find it at some point. That's all guys:) I'll see you again in my next updates.

-shizu