note: The italicized parts are memories/flashbacks.

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It’s still dark outside and there are not much people in the streets since it is still at the break of dawn. They’re probably sleeping soundly without tears in their eyes. Oh how I envy them. I wish I can sleep without having to cry myself to. I wish I can wake up without tears uncontrollably falling from my eyes. I wish. Unfortunately we’re not actual genies. Sadly even “Sowon-eul malhaebwa” makes me shed tears.

I can’t help but release a deep sigh as I look out from the car’s window with tears in my eyes. Everything is so painful right now. Everything, every single and little detail is so painful right now. Why? Because I can see her everywhere, I can smell her everywhere, I can feel her everywhere. She’s all I’ve been thinking of.

How is she? Is she alright? Is she healthy? Is she eating on time? Is she sleeping enough? Is she sad? Is she crying like me? Is she thinking of me, of us?

How can someone go on living without the person that you’re so used to having with you; the person that you did and shared almost everything with; the person that you both know is your soul mate?

“Sica Unnie…” Tears started cascading down my face the moment my lips said her name.  

“I miss you.” More tears fell as I whispered these 3 words hoping that she would hear me, that she would feel my longing for her.

I miss her so much and I feel like dying every time I realize that she’s not here with me.

The ride to the airport has never been this dull and feels like the time to get there is stretching to infinity. Somehow, I dread our arrival at the airport. I dread the fact that we’re going to strut at the airport without her and her famous airport fashion. I dread the fact that I don’t have my airport buddy anymore. Who will I scare when I’m bored at the line for check-in? Who will I seat with on the plane? Who will take selcas with me during the flight? Who will hang on to me as we walk through the crowd? Who will I protect with my whole strength to avoid from getting injured again?

I was walking beside Sica Unnie when I noticed her hesitant and quivering steps. Seeing her like that, acting strong and fine when in truth she is still scared and vulnerable from the recent incident at the airport pains me. I wasn’t able to do anything for her back then and I regret it so much. This time, this time and in the future, I will always be by her side and protect her. I promise.

“Don’t be afraid Sica Unnie. I’ll protect you.” I told her as I held her close and covered her with my body.

She tightly gripped on my arms and looked at me with eyes full of gratitude.

“Thanks Yoongie. I’m lucky to have you.”

And we made our way out of the airport like that.

The girls and I are currently rehearsing for our performance and the mood is no greater than the mood in a funeral. Everyone’s so gloomy that it looks like a dark cloud is surrounding us and whoever comes near us will get in. But work is work and no matter what we’re feeling, whether we’re sick or depressed or mourning we still have to put on our smiles and best performance for our fans.

In the middle of our practice, Joohyun suddenly fell on the ground with her hands covering her face as she sobs. Our beloved maknae is really the one that can’t hide her feelings. If she’s happy she shows it, if she’s angry she shows it, if she’s sad she shows it, and if she’s hurt she shows it. Right now is no exception to her rule.

“Joohyun-ah.” I cooed at her as I pat her back in an attempt to console her.

“I miss her Unnie. I miss Sica Unnie so bad.” She cried.

“We miss her too maknae.” My grasp on her tightened with the thought of my beloved Unnie and the excruciating pain that’s once again coursing all throughout my system.

“Then bring her back. Get her back to us! Please Unnie.” She cried harder on my chest. “Bring Jessica Unnie back… Jebal-yo.”

I tried to act strong for Joohyun but I’m also hurting a lot and now, slowly, my tears trickled down.

“I want her back too Joohyun. No one wants her back more than I do.”

Honestly, I don’t know what to do or to say to our maknae because I, myself is a mess. With that, I just hugged her tighter. I hugged her so tight that I might crush her but I don’t care because that’s what she needs, that’s what I need.

I remember how Sica Unnie used to do this to the both of us whenever we’re crying. She would come to the crying Joohyun and I, and grab our necks into a tight and warm embrace. Though she’s also in tears, she makes sure that she comforts us first and she will not let go until we’re both fine.

Joohyun and I were crying at the side when we felt someone locking the both of us in an embrace.

“Shhh.” She hushed us. “Don’t cry maknaes. I’m here. Sica Unnie’s here.”

As expected it was her. She would always find us first and give us a much needed hug. She tightened her embrace and we hugged her back.  

Once again, we are in front of a huge audience but this time we’re incomplete. Seeing how the SONEs are cheering for us and waving their pink lightsticks somehow alleviated my mood enough to let me put on a smile.

We are now performing IGAB and we’re at the part where we are in a line and Fany Unnie is singing her “aegyoreul buril ttaen neomu yeppeo jukkesseo” part. Whenever we get to this part Sica Unnie and I would always improvise and not follow the actual step. We even confuse Yuri Unnie at times but we still do it because it’s that fun.

Automatically, I looked at Sica Unnie’s place anticipating her move so I can follow it but I was welcomed by an empty spot. The smile that I had on my face is washed away and is replaced by a look of disappointment and longing. At that moment I was stunned and I didn’t even remember that we are in the middle of a performance. I just stood there blankly looking at the vacant spot beside me; a spot that I always thought would bring me immense happiness because I would see the mischievous smile of my beloved Sica Unnie.

“Yah! Why did you not follow the steps? I was lost out there.” Yuri Unnie pouted while nagging at Sica Unnie and I who just laughed at her.

“Aigooo Yul. Don’t be like that. We did it to spice things up. Right Yoongie?” she turned to me for back up.

I nodded my head enthusiastically in agreement. “Eung! Sica Unnie’s right! It keeps SONEs on their toes as they anticipate for our next creative improvisation.”

Sica Unnie smiled at me in approval of my awesome excuse and in a jiffy she hooked her arm on my neck saying, “My little rascal’s so smart. How’d you come up with that excuse huh?”

“I’ve learned from the best; my adorable master Jessica Jung Sooyeon.” I hugged her waist while she messed with my hair.

I was jolted back to reality by a subtle tug on my arm given by Sooyoung Unnie.

“Yoong we’re still performing.”

“Sorry.”

After being reminded of what I should be doing, I started syncing with the choreography and secretly wiped the tears that I was unconsciously shedding.

It’s finally time to say goodbye to our dear SONEs and we are about to fall in line for the big bow. Like a natural instinct I was looking for her, I was looking for my Sica Unnie. Heartbreakingly so, she’s nowhere to be found. Will it always be like this from now on? Will I always be in constant search for someone only to be disappointed for not finding her?

My hands feel extremely cold and empty at this moment without its pair. It’s missing the warmth coming from the hands of the one and only Ice Princess.

During endings, Sica Unnie and I would always find ourselves getting drawn to each other without even noticing it. We’d find ourselves beside each other unknowingly and we’re not complaining because we love each other’s company. The Ice Princess is nowhere near ICY when she’s with the Deer as we joke and play around while making different kinds of hearts for our SONEs. Everyone can attest to that. But sadly, she’s not here now to play with me, she’s not here to make hearts with me, she’s simply not here.

“Yoongie! Look at this lollipop prop!” She exclaimed excitedly that I had no choice but to look. “It’s a guitar!” she pretended to strum the prop like a rockstar and it was beyond hilarious.

“I have one too!” I can’t help but join in. “Bongos!” Tapping the Lipstick prop I showed her made her guffaw at my antics.

“Ohmo Yoongie! That was so funny!” she told me whilst laughing uncontrollably.

Seeing her that happy made me determined to make her laugh some more. I grabbed the lipstick prop and jokingly applied it to her which she gladly played along with. “You look prettier now with your humungous lipstick Unnie!”

We kept on laughing as we found other things to play with during the concert. As a matter of fact we looked like kindergarten students playing around with anything that we see and we didn’t care because we’re having tons of fun.

The members tried to fill the gap that I’m feeling but it’s not working and it will never work. Yuri Unnie tried to play with me but it’s just not the same as when it’s with Sica Unnie. Her ways of playing around and making fun isn’t the same. Fanny Unnie held my hand but it doesn’t feel right. The fit isn’t the same. The warmth isn’t the same. Joohyun made a big heart with me but it felt odd. It didn’t bring out the fluttering emotion that comes with Yoonsic’s heart. It even looked out of place. I’m thankful for the members’ efforts but I think there’s no effort that would be enough to cover for the large chunk that’s missing in my life. Nothing and no one can replace the role that Sica Unnie had in my life. It’s sad, but it’s the truth.

Sica Unnie made sure that she was a fixed element in my life and she succeeded because now everything reminds me of her. Just the thought of sleeping and lazing around my bed reminds me of her, seeing kimchi fried rice (her specialty) reminds me of her, seeing a cucumber reminds me of her, seeing an iPhone reminds me of her, even hearing my name reminds me of her and every time I’m reminded of her my eyes automatically releases tears and there’s no way to stop it from falling.

We were about to be interviewed for our new song I Got A Boy and while everyone was already set and in their places I was side tracked with something that I was about to be late for the interview and that can’t be because I’m supposed to sit in the middle. Thankfully Sica Unnie screamed my name reminding me of the interview.

“YOOOOONNNAAAA!” she screamed looking for me.

I ran after hearing my name and quickly took my seat.

Another incident is during one of our rehearsals for our first asia tour.

They were discussing about something and I was once again missing. Sica Unnie noticed it and I would want to believe that she misses me as well that’s why she looked and called for me.

“YOOOOONNNNNNN~~~~~AAAAAAA” she called and I was still nowhere to be found so she tried again. “YOOOOOOONNNNN~~~~AAAAAA”

She looked so adorable with her pouting expression as she called for me and she still does every time she calls my name.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months have already passed and I’m here lying on my bed staring at the ceiling for God knows how long. I just got back from our schedule and nothing’s changed. It feels empty. I feel empty.

Just like every other night since that unfaithful day, I’m crying myself to sleep. I cry as I reminisce about the past. I cry as I recall our moments together. I cry as I long for her presence. I cry as I continue hoping that this is just a nightmare and that when I wake up she’s here and we’re still 9.

I didn’t just lose my member or my friend or my Unnie; I lost my soul mate. She has always been my soul mate and everyone knows it. We just connect with each other and we jive along perfectly. Her personality and mine compliments each other so much that it’s like we were born to be together, to complete each other. It was probably a bonus that I looked like Krystal, her sister, making her feel more comfortable and sisterly towards me since the beginning.

With tears still falling from my eyes, I slowly took out my phone and opened file of her message for me during our Paradise in Phuket filming. This has been my ritual each night. I lie on my bed, think of her, cry, watch her video message, and then cry some more until I get too tired of crying and fall asleep.

“Sica Unnie.” I called her name.

“Jung Sooyeon.” I called once again.

“I’m still missing you.” More tears poured. “I will always miss you.”

While clutching my phone that has her picture on it I called out for her and pleaded her to return to me, to us. “Please come back.”

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a/n: I'm not only a SONE but also a hardcore Yoonsic shipper and with everything that's happening I'm just so broken and lost. I love all of them and will always love them.