Title: When He Loses Control

Prompt: The best place in the world is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you at your best, but will pick you up and hug you tight at your weakest moment.

Group: Boyfriend

Genre: Hurt/Comfort (I don't even know why...)

Word Count: 2605

                The reflective surface of the water showed him a pale face with blood spatters dotting his cheeks under the brunette bangs nearly covering his dark brown eyes.  Moonlight only made him appear even more washed out and Jeongmin sniffed once, shoving his equally stained hands in the water.  Ripples distorted the vision but it didn’t change what was there.  Warm tears dripped from his lashes to splash against his wrists, and he bit back the urge to sob.

                With his hands still in the water, he glanced around to be sure he was well and truly alone.  The lake was quiet, it’s surface deceptively serene.  Nothing stirred on the shores and the only sounds he could hear were the quiet chirps and whistles of nocturnal insects humming their evening lullabies.  When he was sure it was safe, he stripped off his dark splotched clothes and waded into the cold waters, wishing it could simply wash away what he felt as easily as it carried off the colors on his skin that didn’t belong.

                He held his breath and exhaled in surprise when the liquid slipped over his head, tugging at strands of hair that lingered near the top before the weight of the water pulled them below too.  For as long as he could, Jeongmin held his breath, counting the beats of his heart while it thundered in his ears.  Only when his lungs burned, screaming for release, did he stand back up.  With his face turned to the evening sky, he shivered as water sluiced off his shoulders in thin rivulets, trickling back into the lake from whence it came.

                “So stupid,” he scolded himself while his bottom jaw trembled.  Slender hands ran up and down his arms, trying to chase away the chill, but there was no banishing it.  He was cold inside and out.  Tears burned his eyes again and he dropped his head, staring at his wavering reflection in the surface once more.  He was unharmed but he felt like he shouldn’t be, and that was perhaps worse punishment than if he had been injured.  “Why am I so broken?!” he growled, attacking his image with both hands before sinking down until he nearly disappeared.

                His breath created gentle ripples when it came out of his nose and he blinked as droplets of water invaded his eyes from his bangs.  But even as the cold set in deeper and deeper, he still didn’t want to leave.  He’d rather feel nothing than go back and… accept it?  Rubbing hard at his eyes until he saw spots did nothing to make the memories of what he’d seen go away.  Jeongmin just wanted to disappear; the looks on their small, frightened, horrified faces told him everything he needed to know anyway.  He was just about to duck back under the water when a tiny sound from the shore caught his attention.  Automatically his hands reached for dual daggers that weren’t there while his face became a mask in the blink of an eye.

                “There you are,” the calm, familiar voice called, the sound bouncing off the surface to circle Jeongmin’s head like a siren song, insistently tugging his focus away from consuming memories.

                He relaxed again, hands dropping into the water as he remained partially turned from shore.  His back and chest were visible, the flesh gleaming in the lunar light, but it felt like he was under the sun; he knew he’d feel that way even in total darkness though.  “Yeah,” he whispered, swallowing hard as he turned his head enough to glimpse Hyunseong standing on the bank, his boots just at the edge of the water.  Spiky blonde hair topped his head, revealing a strong, masculine face that was looking at him with dark eyes narrowed in concern.  Unlike Jeongmin, he was still wearing the standard dark garb their group usually did, but it only made the guilt bite harder.

                “Tough run?” he called in honest concern, voice pitched just enough to convey his worry.

                Jeongmin declined to answer verbally.  Instead, he nodded once and turned away, staring out over the water again.

                “You should probably come out of the water now,” the other man suggested, taking a couple quiet steps on the shore.  Gravel crunched softly underfoot, the sound intentional so Jeongmin would know he was moving.

                “I don’t want to.”  He did but he hadn’t become as numb as he wanted yet.  He hadn’t been able to forget and his stomach churned like a writhing snake.

                “You’re going to turn into a dried fruit Min if you stay in there much longer,” Hyunseong chided in a gently teasing manner.

                “My clothes are dirty.”  That much was true at least.  He wouldn’t be putting them on again before they’d been scoured free of every speck of blood.  And he certainly didn’t want to walk back to the base in the .

                “I thought they might have been, so I brought an extra pair.  Just in case.”

                Liar.  He knew this would happen.  Jeongmin frowned but rubbed at his nose with the back of his hand, sniffing again.  “Just leave me alone,” he grumbled, hugging his arms as he willed himself to become as small as possible.  It didn’t work.

                “Nope,” his partner shook his head, the action obvious even though he couldn’t see it.  “Come on.  At this rate, you might actually turn into an icicle.”

                Why were his attempts at humor so bad?  Still, despite the total lack of desire to laugh, he couldn’t suppress the shiver that grabbed him.  “Fine…” Jeongmin groaned, reluctantly turning around to slog through the muddy ground, splashing noisily as he moved.

                “There you are,” Hyunseong smiled sadly as the smaller man finally came free of the lake.  Mismatched scars crisscrossed his body, the lines thin and faint, while little remained on his thin frame other than whipcord muscle and skin.  “Here,” he offered his cloak first, draping the shivering man in the heavy, brown fabric.

                “How did you know I was here?” Jeongmin wondered softly, wiping his cheek off on the fabric without looking at the other man.

                “You were late in coming back,” was Hyunseong’s answer as he quietly helped the other man to dry off when he just stood there like a statue.  “Your hair is getting long again,” he smiled while fingers ruffled sopping strands.

                “Yeah,” Jeongmin sniffed, his voice thin and tiny.  He could see Hyunseong’s arm moving above him, could see the other’s broader chest directly ahead, and his face scrunched up into a silent sob as he walked into him.  As hoped, strong arms silently folded around his smaller frame, holding him close.  He could feel the other man’s cheek pressing against the top of his head; the rise and fall of his firm chest with each breath; the soothing of one hand running up and down his back.

                “What happened?” he murmured softly, waiting patiently for Jeongmin to answer when he was ready.

                For a long moment, Jeongmin took broken, shuddering breaths as he struggled not to cry outright, clinging to Hyunseong’s shirt with trembling fingers.  He took strength in the other man’s steady, calming presence and willed his heart to beat at the same, measured cadence he could hear beneath his ear.  Not that it helped.  Finally, he mustered the resolve to speak the words he knew Hyunseong was probably expecting.  “I killed a man tonight.”

                A quiet sigh answered him.  Not disappointed.  Just sad.  “I thought you were on an infiltration run.”  It was a statement, not a question.

                Jeongmin treated it like one anyway.  “I was.”  He wasn’t supposed to kill anyone.  He wasn’t even supposed to be seen for that matter.

                “Tell me.”  It was a gentle request.  Nothing more.  Jeongmin loosened his fingers to slide his arms around Hyunseong’s waist, holding as tight as his arms would let him.  “I’m here,” the other man promised, a wounded note in his voice that threatened whatever control Jeongmin still had over his tears.

                “It was supposed to be a forbidden animal ring,” he swallowed, throat growing tight as he buried his face in Hyunseong’s chest, further muffling his voice.

                “Breathe, Min,” the other man soothed, very gently rocking them back and forth.

                As if his words were a command, Jeongmin took a shaky breath.  It was enough to grant him a measure of control so he could finish the telling of one final detail.  “They were children.”  Tension strangled his voice and he nearly choked on the next breath.

                “I see,” Hyunseong hummed, the sadness in his voice dipping lower as his arms tightened even more.

                Jeongmin’s knees buckled and Hyunseong kept him upright until he sank to the ground so they could rest beside the lake.  No sooner had he settled on the ground, before the smaller man tried to crawl into his lap, curling up close like a lost child himself.  The hard plains of his body molded just enough to fit Jeongmin against him protectively, his arms wrapped around the quietly sobbing form as he rocked him back and forth.

                “Was it like last time?” he asked after a moment, when the crying did not seem as if it would abate and he feared the other man would fall asleep first.  A mute nod knocked Hyunseong’s chin and his mouth pulled into a bitter smile.

                It was a well known fact that Jeongmin could not be sent on any mission that had anything to do with children.  An early life of child slavery and then abuse had predisposed him to being incapable of being impartial on such runs.  Add to that the fact he had murdered several of his ‘owners’ when they slept so he could escape and he was automatically likely to use similar tactics against those who treated other children in a similar light.  Their group realized that after they’d picked him up before the town guard could apprehend him for a multitude of crimes he’d only managed to add to that list as he struggled to survive.

                “Shh, shh, shh,” Hyunseong soothed, humming a lullaby under his breath as he listened to the sound of his agonized breathing.  “You’re safe.  I’ve got you,” he promised around the soothing sounds.

                The problem was, Jeongmin didn’t actually like hurting people, even when they might have deserved it.  But in this one area, he was physically unable to control himself.  Hyunseong had seen him snap once before and it was like Jeongmin as he was now completely disappeared.  Truly, it was a frightening sight, made more so because they’d taught him how to use the knives he’d first wielded in hatred and anger.  And when he finally came back to himself, he turned into the shivering bundle of tears and tortured conscience that was currently in Hyunseong’s lap.

                “Do you hate me?” he whimpered at last, when the song fell silent and his tears finally stopped.

                “Of course not,” Hyunseong promised sincerely, oh so carefully picking Jeongmin’s chin up with his fingers so the smaller man would meet his eyes.  They were bloodshot and puffy, but at least he held his gaze.

                “Are you afraid of me?” he croaked while shimmering tears seeped from the corners of his unblinking eyes.

                “Of you?  Never,” Hyunseong smiled, moving to press a chaste kiss on Jeongmin’s forehead.  When he was like this, it was one of the only safe places he could touch with his lips.  But it almost always worked to make him relax.  This time was no exception.  The lingering tension fled from Jeongmin’s shoulders and he whimpered softly, going limp against Hyunseong’s body.

                “I killed several men,” he eventually admitted, now that the initial, frantic energy had finally worn itself out.

                “We’ll take care of it,” Hyunseong assured him.  He continued to the bowed back with one hand.  The other cradled Jeongmin’s neck, his thumb and forefinger rubbing circles into the top of his spine.  “We always do.”

                Which was why he would never be afraid of Jeongmin, but forever cautious of what he could do.  Clean up after one of his episodes was never simple.  It wasn’t always easy finding all the pieces or sopping up the spilled blood.  And survivors were traumatized in a different way, if eventually grateful.  None of them ever told him that part though.

                “Why?” he breathed, the painful need for validation as obvious as if Hyunseong could see it.

                As a group, they lived for his cheerful smiles and playful antics.  They gently about his height while praising his ability to be able to shimmy into places most of them could only dream about.  They endlessly trained with him to better himself and the group as a whole, all while he continued to improve in leaps and bounds from the broken and fragile boy they’d found him as.

                “Because you’re one of us.  And we protect our own,” he whispered back, like he always did.

                As an individual, Hyunseong loved him with all he had, but even though he’d been the one to finally coax him out of his defensive shell, this was one thing he could not fix.  He could make sure he had food, a roof over his head, and the security of never being alone, but he could not erase that part of his past.

                “I’m sorry.”  Hyunseong felt more than heard the words this time, but he’d expected them all the same.

                “Sleep, Min,” he soothed instead, moving to cradle the young man against him once more.  Jeongmin whimpered under his breath and then finally gave in to the urge to close his eyes and snuggle into Hyunseong’s chest.  When he was sure the other was well and truly asleep, he finally sighed.  “My poor, Jeongmin,” he whispered, adjusting the man in his arms so he could see the face that had finally gained peace in sleep.

                “How’s he doing?” Minwoo’s quiet voice asked as the familiar man padded closer on near silent feet.  Hyunseong was aware he’d been nearby but they all knew better than to risk startling Jeongmin further when he came back like this; they left that task to his other half.

                “Sleeping,” Hyunseong answered, taking great care to shift his legs under him without jostling Jeongmin in the process.  “Donghyun leading the clean up?” he murmured without looking up.  He was still bespelled by his partner’s serene face.  Despite what caused it, he would never tire of that look of utmost trust and relaxation when he held Jeongmin in his arms.

                “With the twins.  Yeah.”

                “How was it?” he wondered aloud, lifting his eyes to acknowledge the other vertically challenged member in their group.

                Minwoo scratched the back of his short, black hair and shrugged.  “About like last time.”  His face twisted to indicate there might have been one or two new things, but he didn’t elaborate.  “Saved a bunch of kids though.  Youngmin’s taking care of em.”

                “Good,” Hyunseong smiled in earnest, imagining the twin playing mother hen to a gaggle of frightened but free children.

                “I’ll get his stuff,” Minwoo murmured as his voice shifted when he bent to retrieve Jeongmin’s discarded clothes and weapons.

                “And I’ll get him,” Hyunseong nodded, dipping his head to place a light kiss on the crown of Jeongmin’s head.

                “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” the other man waved once, already turning to head back to camp with his much lighter burden in hand.

                “I’ve always got you,” he promised, tenderly holding Jeongmin close.  As if the smaller man heard him, he hummed quietly in his sleep and nuzzled against Hyunseong’s chest.  “Always.”