I failed so epicly and I am sorry.

 

 

---

 

 

 

           The calendar on the wall had 364 dates crossed out and Yoongi couldn‘t believe the day had finally arrived again. A bittersweet smile crossed his features as he settled himself onto the couch in the living room and placed his hands with his palms upwards.

 

 

            He had asked to leave work earlier than he should because he had some important business and after some persuasion, his boss, who is actually his close friend had told him to go because Namjoon knew what date it was and how important it was to Yoongi.

 

 

            The male stared at the cake that was placed on the coffee table in front of him and his eyes watered because this was the first time he wasn’t here.

 

 

            With shaking hands Yoongi took his lighter and lit up the first candle that was placed on the cake.

 

 

            One. For the first time that we met.

 

 

            It had actually been right before Christmas break while Yoongi was in third year of high school. He was sitting on the steps of his school, waiting for his best friend to show up when he saw an adorable boy looking like a lost child while turning into all directions. The male wouldn’t have reacted but something with the way the seemingly younger boy looked so innocent pulled at his heart and Yoongi stood up to approach him.

 

 

            The boy quickly turned to him and Yoongi's breath hitched because he had never seen such beautiful eyes before and he wasn’t even sure if he was actually gay. And Yoongi had never been a person who would help someone out but he showed the boy were the bus stop was when he asked and he even walked with him there. And when Yoongi learned his name he swore that it was the most beautiful word he had ever heard.

 

 

            So it wasn’t a surprise that before the bus showed up Yoongi had asked for the boy’s number, and Taehyung gave it to him with a pretty blush dusting his cheeks.

 

 

            Two. For the first time you smiled at me.

 

 

            Yoongi had grown attached to Taehyung quite quickly, just like the younger boy had grown attached to him too. They would always meet up during a Friday evening and would always hang out until the wee morning of Saturday and then they would go to Yoongi’s house to sleep there.

 

 

            Taehyung had always been insecure and quite frankly, Yoongi never understood why. The younger boy was the most dazzling creature Yoongi had met in his entire life. So when the younger male told him that he didn’t like his smile he was a bit confused.

 

 

            And when the younger male showed him the smile that was natural Yoongi felt his heart skipping a beat because Taehyung had never looked so breathtaking before and right at that moment Yoongi was sure that he was utterly and without turning back homoual.

 

 

            Three. For the first time I kissed you.

 

 

            Their first kiss was actually an accident. Yoongi had been trying to take a book from the shelf that was in Taehyung’s room and the younger male was trying to slip past him when Yoongi lost his balance and the younger male caught him in his hold.

 

 

            Their faces were inches apart and the two of them stared into each other’s eyes like they were magnets pulling at each other. And Yoongi wasn’t thinking about leaning in and closing the gap but the book from before fell and when Taehyung tried to dodge it he leaned his head down and his lips brushed against the older male’s ones.

 

 

            And even if the kiss wasn’t supposed to happen Yoongi smiled when Taehyung jumped away and told him that they should try it some other time, when there won’t be any murderous books around them. And Taehyung blushed but he still nodded in agreement.

 

 

            Four. For the first time we went on a date.

 

 

            The two of them were still in high school and neither of them had a part time job, except for when Yoongi would help his neighbor out with his homework, so their first date was a simple movie date with dinner in a fast food restaurant. But Yoongi wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

 

 

            The smile that grazed Taehyung’s lips when he watched the movie and the way he blushed when Yoongi intertwined their fingers made the older male’s heart swell in pride because he was happy that he had the same effect on the younger boy as Taehyung had on him.

 

 

            And the goodnight kiss wasn’t perfect, but it was everything Yoongi could ever dream about. Taehyung’s lips were trembling, but they were perfectly warm and fitted nicely with Yoongi’s lips.

 

 

            Five. For our first anniversary.

 

 

            Their first anniversary was something Yoongi could never forget. He had planned to take Taehyung out to a restaurant that Yoongi didn’t have a chance to take him out to before, but all his plans crumbled when the younger male called him and told him to come outside.

 

 

            And when Yoongi did he was met with a smiling Taehyung and a huge white teddy bear in his arms. The older male immediately rushed over to him and engulfed him into a tight hug because he couldn’t believe that Taehyung remembered how his first plush toy had looked and that he actually searched for it just so Yoongi could have the replica.

 

 

            Six. For the first I love you’s.

 

 

            Yoongi could remember the first time Taehyung had told him that he loved him like it had happened yesterday.

 

 

            The younger male looked so nervous and he wrinkled the corner of his shirt and Yoongi had found it amusing. He had always told Taehyung that his habits when he was nervous were adorable and Taehyung would always tell him that he’s lying.

 

 

            So when the younger male shyly told him that he loved him Yoongi couldn’t help himself and to pepper kisses all over his boyfriend’s lovely face. Taehyung giggled and told him to stop but Yoongi knew that he enjoyed every moment of his affection. And he muttered soft I love you’s into Taehyung’s skin.

 

 

            Seven. For our first night together.

 

 

            Yoongi had had his fair share of intimate relationships before, but Taehyung had been different. The two of them started going out when Yoongi was nineteen and the other male seventeen, so Taehyung was still innocent.

 

 

            And when Taehyung told Yoongi that he wasn’t really for the older male didn’t press him. And he showered the younger male with affection and care because really, this relationship wasn’t about or Taehyung’s body. It was about their genuine feelings for each other.

 

 

            When Taehyung finally decided that he was ready it had been right after Yoongi’s birthday party and the older male had tried to persuade him to stop because what if Taehyung was doing this because he felt pressured? But the younger male reassured him that he wasn’t and Yoongi could never forget how it felt to touch Taehyung like that for the first time or how his skin felt under his lips and his fingertips.

 

 

            Eight. For our first argument.

 

 

            Like all couples the two of them had their fall outs. Yoongi had always been a person who didn’t show his emotions so easily and it was a challenge for Taehyung because the younger male was always so open and affectionate.

 

 

           And sometimes it pissed Yoongi off that Taehyung would hug his male best friends so openly in front of him, and they wouldn’t talk for a few days because the older male was stubborn and childish.

 

 

            So when they had their first big argument Yoongi had simply walked out of the room and Taehyung had stayed in it for the remaining day. With every passing hour the older male felt like his heart was sinking into his stomach because why was he even mad at his boyfriend?

 

 

            And by the end of the day the two of them couldn’t keep silent and they both apologized for being wrong.

 

 

            Nine. For the first time that I understood that you are the love of my life.

 

 

            It had been when Taehyung was away and visiting his parents. Yoongi had stayed in Seoul even when the younger male offered for him to go together and he regretted not taking up the offer by the end of the first day.

 

 

            Yoongi felt like something was missing and he buried his face into the pillow that Taehyung would sleep on when he would stay over at Yoongi’s place. And his heart was filled up with an overwhelming feeling and that was the day Yoongi understood that Taehyung was the one.

 

 

            Ten. For the way you still make me feel.

 

 

            Yoongi didn’t know if it was the way Taehyung smiled or the way he talked, maybe even the way he walked, but the older male wouldn’t want anyone else in his life as his partner. He couldn’t find anyone else who would be more perfect for him.

 

 

            And Taehyung was the only one who managed to make his heart beat like he had ran a thousand miles and like he couldn’t breathe.

 

 

            Eleven. For the first time you cried in front of me.

 

 

            The older male had freaked out when he found Taehyung crying in front of his apartment doors and he had cradled the younger male into his arms in order for the two of them to move inside. Yoongi had asked his boyfriend what was the problem and Taehyung simply shook his head but his boyfriend was stubborn.

 

 

            And by the end of the day Taehyung had told him the reason why. And Yoongi laughed wholeheartedly when he was told that it was because one of Taehyung’s friends told him that Yoongi had been seen with another guy. That night the older male erased all of Taehyung’s doubts and made him fully his again.

 

 

            Twelve. For telling me all of your fears.

 

 

            Yoongi loved sleeping with Taehyung on the same bed and feeling the younger male curling up into him.

 

 

            But what he loved even more were their late night talks and Taehyung spilling everything about his past to him. There was something about the fact that the younger male trusted him the most out of everyone he knew.

 

 

            And Yoongi would listen to everything Taehyung said. And by the end of the night he would erase all the fears that the younger male had because Yoongi was Taehyung’s superman and he wasn’t about to change that.

 

 

            Thirteen. For staying with me even when you shouldn’t have.

 

 

            There was this one time when Yoongi had been really sick and no one should have visited him because they could have been infected, but it hadn’t stopped Taehyung from slipping into his room in the hospital and stealing kisses from the weak male.

 

 

            And Yoongi had told him to not visit because the older male was concerned about his boyfriend’s health but Taehyung would shut him up with gentle kisses and with stubborn words of I won’t listen to you and you won’t make me.

 

 

            Fourteen. For moving in with me.

 

 

            Yoongi knew that Taehyung would say yes. The younger male had practically been living there already except for the few days during the week when he would stay over at his own apartment.

 

 

            And when the older male asked him if he would move in with him Taehyung screamed a thousand yes’s and jumped on Yoongi because even if he had expected that, he was still overjoyed that his boyfriend was willing to spend every free hour of his life while looking at him.

 

 

            And Yoongi was even happier because now he got the chance to wake up next to the male that he loved to death.

 

 

            Fifteen. For making me realize that I am worthy.

 

 

            Taehyung was just as stubborn as Yoongi. The two of them had fought because of that but the younger male also made Yoongi realize a few things.

 

 

            With his constant praise Taehyung had healed Yoongi’s wounds about his insecurities and the younger male was the only person to be thanked for that.

 

 

            Yoongi had even tried out for a few jobs that he usually would think that he wasn’t good enough for but he had grown to be more confident thanks to his boyfriend.

 

 

            Sixteen. For loving me no matter what.

 

 

            Yoongi had to take some time to get used to Taehyung kissing him awake every morning and to being awarded with tight hugs and gentle pecks when he came back from work and Taehyung would sometimes be already home.

 

 

            It surprised him that Taehyung had been so patient with him and that he still wanted to cuddle up to him by the end of the day. And he thanked him for that every morning by looking at him with the most loving eyes.

 

 

            Seventeen. For picking me and not Jin.

 

 

            There had been a time when Yoongi and Taehyung’s relationship wasn’t smooth. The two of them screamed at each other every day and the younger male would cry while Yoongi would slam the doors and go to a bar to drink his pain away.

 

 

            And Jin was there to try and fix Taehyung up. And Yoongi knew that the older male had feelings for Taehyung, so he would get even angrier and there was even a time when Yoongi slapped his boyfriend because he had caught Jin trying to kiss him.

 

 

            It took Yoongi a minute to understand that Taehyung was his everything and he had kissed the younger male silly and apologized for raising his hand at him. And Taehyung forgave him with a simple smile and whispers of I love you and please don’t cry.

 

 

            Eighteen. For your beautiful eyes.

 

 

            The thing Yoongi loved the most about the younger male’s appearance had been his eyes. They were like a window to his soul and feelings and the older male loved everything about them.

 

 

            Nineteen. For not leaving when it was hard.

 

          

            When Yoongi came out to his parents Taehyung was there. He held his hand and he even talked back to Yoongi’s father when he tried to belittle his son.

 

 

            While Yoongi just stood there, frozen and hurt, Taehyung had fought his battle and protected Yoongi like he was the last person he wanted to loose, and he probably was.

 

 

            Twenty. For your twentieth birthday.

 

 

            Yoongi halted in his movement and stared at the lit candles. A tear cascaded down his cheek and dropped onto the table.

 

 

            Taehyung’s smiling face flashed in front of his eyes and he let out a choked sob because he couldn’t take it.

 

 

            It was supposed to be his boyfriend’s twentieth birthday today. Taehyung was supposed to be here, hugging him and making jokes while Yoongi would pepper him with kisses.

 

 

            But he wasn’t here, and he never will be, because Taehyung died 364 days ago.

 

 

            Yoongi lit the last candle with shaky hands and placed it in the center of the white cake.

 

 

            Twenty one.

 

 

            For the future that we will never have.

 

 

            For the I love you’s that you will never say and I will never hear.

 

 

            For my love to you.

 

 

            And with that, Yoongi blew out all the candles and made his way to the bedroom that he used to share with Taehyung.

 

 

            And Yoongi might not look alright now, but he will tomorrow. He just needs one day in a year to give all of the love that he still didn’t give to Taehyung even if he wasn’t here anymore.