good enough
good enough“If you could switch places with anyone for a day, who would you choose?”
It’s not a question they’ve never been asked before, but it is one of the more uncommon ones, so everyone takes a moment to think before they answer. Youngjae says he would change with Jaebum to see what it’s like to be the leader for a day; Jaebum says he’d switch with Mark and do nothing but martial arts tricking all day; Jinyoung says he’d switch with Yugyeom so he could learn some more aegyo; Yugyeom says he would change with Jabeum to feel what it’s like to be regarded as manly instead of cute; Bambam says he’d switch with Jackson because he’s so happy all the time and everything’s more fun with him around.
“I wouldn’t switch with anyone because, as Bambam said, I am the life of the party,” Jackson says with a wide cheeky grin and a wink at the host. Everyone laughs and he feels Youngjae playfully slap his shoulder.
It’s a barefaced lie. He’d switch with anyone just to escape being himself for a day, but that’s not the answer that the fans want to hear, that anyone wants to hear. He can already see the editor putting a ‘Jackson who is full of confidence’ caption below his face for the people who will later watch this on television, and how he wishes it were true.
‘Fake it ‘til you make it’, the saying goes. Well, he’s been faking it for months and he still hasn’t gotten anywhere. He stills hates himself.
“Jackson, are you alright?” Jinyoung asks one day as they exit the stage after filming for a music show.
For one made second, he wants to just abandon his carefully constructed façade and say, ‘No, I’m not alright. Half of the time I feel like I’m being slowly crushed to death and the other half of the time I’m numb and can’t feel anything at all. Please help me.’, but of course he doesn’t say that. Jinyoung isn’t talking about his mental state anyway. He probably just noticed the slightly awkward landing of Jackson’s last flip.
“Eh, I kinda ed up the landing, but I’m pretty sure they won’t have to amputate the leg,” Jackson says dryly, with an exaggerated thinking face. The contrast of his tone and his facial expression hardly ever fails at causing laughter.
“Oh, shut up,” Jinyoung swats his shoulder with a laugh. “Just try to take it easy at practice later, and make sure you ice it when we get back to the dorm.”
“Yes, mother,” Jackson says while nuzzling Jinyoung’s shoulder. Jinyoung laughs again and briefly wraps an arm around him.
It should make him feel warm and comforted like it did in the past, but now he just feels too detached from his body to feel anything. He can barely even feel the twinge in his ankle anymore. It’s so out of his mind that he forgets he injured himself and starts jogging to the car park. He doesn’t get very far before his leg gives out and he goes crashing to the ground.
“Jackson! Jackson, are you okay?” Jinyoung is by side again in a flash, and the rest soon follow. “Why were you running? You injured your leg, remember?” Confusion is etched on his face.
“What happened, Jackson-hyung?” Yugyeom frets.
“How serious is the injury?” Jaebum asks in full leader mode.
“It’s not serious at all. It’s such a non-issue, I even forget anything was wrong,” Jackson laughs, hoping that will diffuse the situation. All it gets him are a deep crease forming between Jaebum’s eyebrows and a look of disappointment that make shim want to claw his way through the concrete and bury himself. Jaebum closes his eyes for a second, inhaling deeply and slowly releasing a breath through his nose.
“Well, what’s done is done. What we need to do now is ensure you don’t injure it further. I’ll see if I can get them to let you take it easy during practice, but even if I manage that, there’s nothing I can do about stage performances. Luckily, the next one isn’t for two more days, so in that time, make sure you take care if it, alright?”
He’s basically being lectured, and in some ways that make shim feel even more like a up, but he also finds himself getting caught up in the easy authority in Jaebum’s voice. As he talks, Jackson imagines his words wrapping around him in an easy, familiar way like a well-worn t-shirt.
“Alright, and sorry for causing you so much trouble,” Jackson nods. When Jaebum blinks in surprise, Jackson realises how serious his voice sounded. “I mean, we have you so worried and stressed out that you’ve gone full grey,” Jackson reaches up and runs a hand through Jaebum’s bleached hair with a laugh.
That seems to relax the others. There’s no cause for concern, it’s just Jackson being Jackson. Their manager comes up to them and scolds them for loitering around when they should be heading back to JYP.
“And what are you doing on the floor? Is this some kind of joke?” Jackson feels his fake smile start to crack and flake. Is he really such a clown that it never even occurred to him that he could’ve have just tripped by accident like normal human beings?
“He sprained his ankle on stage. Since we’ve finished filming for the day, is it alright for him to take it easy during practise? With a bit of rest it should be fine,” Jaebum immediately explains. Their manager rolls his eyes, looking very annoyed, but in the end he nods and waves them along to the car.
“You can lean on me, Jackson-hyung,” Yugyeom offers his hand to Jackson, and he feels the younger boy’s arm wrap round his waist.
“Thanks,” he says sincerely. Yugyeom is such a sweet kid; Jackson can’t help but feel a little affected by the simple gesture. Not to be outdone, Bambam sidle up to Jackson’s other side and wraps his arm around Jackson’s shoulder. Jackson chuckles a bit and shakes his head, but doesn’t push him off.
Jackson stops short when he sees the burdened look on Jaebum’s as he sits in the front seat. Ever since he’s known him, the older boy has been the kind of person to take himself and his responsibilities very seriously. Jackson’s injury isn’t even his fault, but he’s probably kicking himself over it anyway. And even if he isn’t, their manager and dance coach is sure to do that for him.
“Is your ankle hurting?” Yugyeom asks from his side.
“No, it’s fine, I just had to fart” Jackson says flippantly before getting into the van. The three youngest all crack up and Jinyoung tells him not to come inside until he’s no longer contaminated, but Jaebum turns his head away with a steely expression reflecting in the rear view mirror. He throws his head back and cackles at Jinyoung’s words, but he’s cold and his body feels like lead.
Today is a really good day. For the first time in a long time, Jackson wakes without feeling miserable and dead inside. His shoes aren’t leaden down with cement blocks and the iron weight that usually rests on his back is gone. It feels great to be able to burn breakfast and not feel like a complete waste of space, but these periods of freedom are almost cruel because he’s alright for now, but one day he’s going to wake up in his cramped cell again. He shakes those thoughts off, he’ll be able to do nothing but mope later, he plans to enjoy him freedom.
“Someone’s in a good mood,” Mark comments as he pads into the kitchen.
“I’m always in a good mood,” Jackson says cheerfully, smiling for real.
“Hmmm I don’t know about that,” Mark says with his face buried in the fridge.
“Well, no human being can be in a good mood 100% of the time, but I’m a solid 95%, dude.”
“Fair enough,” Mark says, pulling a bottle of orange juice and a bottle of jam out of the fridge. “But you know that you can come talk to me if it’s 5% time, right?”
“Uh, yeah, dude, we’re best friends; that’s kind of how it works.” Mark chews on his lip for a second before he continues.
“Yeah, but I mean it’s not just for petty like not getting enough sleep or being frustrated with not getting a dance step right or forgetting lyrics or whatever.”
“Mark, I told you when my brother got stabbed. I know.” It’s true; he crawled into Mark’s lap and wailed about how much his family means to him and how sick he felt at not being able to do anything for him. One thing he didn’t tell him was that he smashed his own hand with a paperweight after he got the call from his mother.
“I guess I just…wanted you to know,” Mark shrugs, still looking a bit unsettled.
“Are you sure you’re not just projecting your feelings on me? Is there something you want to talk about, Mark?” Turn the situation around on him, a classic.
“No.”
“Are you sure though?” Jackson gets right up in Mark’s personal space. Mark steps back, laughing, but Jackson follows him until he’s backed up against a counter.
“Yes, I’m sure. Now get out my face so I can get back to my unburned toast,” Mark laughs a bit, pushing Jackson back. Jackson goes, but stops by the plate of toast and picks up a slice with his mouth, making a silly face.
“I don’t know how you can be so lively this early in the morning,” Mark laughs, shaking his head.
Jackson walks into the living room and plops himself down on the sofa beside a still dozing Youngjae. Bambam and Yugyeom are eating cereal on the floor and Jaebum is watching the morning news, so that must mean Jinyoung is in the shower. They got in so late last night that most of them were too tired to wait for a shower. And anyway it’s nice to warm up with a hot shower when the temperature is still so cold.
“So, leader, what’s on the agenda today?” Jackson asks as he shakes Youngjae awake.
“Just a photo-shoot,” Jabeum says without looking away from the television. He can skip the shower if he wants, he insisted on staying up to get one last night.
Cool, he loves photo-shoots. When he’s feeling like himself he gets to throw himself into making different kinds of poses and facial expressions while showing off his amazing body. When he’s feeling like a cheap doppelganger of himself, he can cloak himself in his mess of emotions and pass it off as being an enigmatic and unapproachable star.
Jinyoung walks into the living room, and Jackson jumps up to get in the bathroom before Yugyeom or Bambam notice; Youngjae showered last night as well, Jaebum’s insistence of course. Still, he’s beaten there by Mark, who he completely forgot to factor in to the shower roulette.
“Better luck next time, Jackson,” Mark sings from behind the door.
“So much for being a good friend,” Jackson complains before he slinks back to the living room and sits next to the still-dozing Youngjae. “God only knows why a dorm shared by seven guys only has one shower. At least we have two toilets.”
“Jackson-hyung, you’re good at posing. Bambam and I have been practising some of expressions; can you judge them for us?” Yugyeom turns to him as soon as he sits down.
“Sure. 3, 2, 1, go!” Bambam goes for cute, puffing out his cheeks and clasping his hands beneath his chin; Yugyeom goes for y, turning his face to the side and looking down slightly with a half-raised hand in front of his chest.
“Not bad. Again!”
He spends the rest of the time waiting for Mark to come out of the shower critiquing and praising their poses. They’re quite good at it, but for all the time Bambam spends looking in the mirror and for all the time Yugyeom spends around Bambam, he’s not too surprised.
“Alright, I’m done. Shower’s free,” Mark calls as he passes the living room on the way back to his and Jackson’s room. Jackson expects he’s next, but Yugyeom and Bambam jump up and run to the bathroom.
“We’ll shower together to save time. Thanks for helping us out, Jackson-hyung,” Yugyeom calls out over his shoulder.
“You ungrateful little s!” Jackson shouts without any real heat or venom.
“You seem like your back to your usual self.” Jackson blinks in surprise at hearing Jabeum’s voice. He had all but forgotten the older boy was in the living room with them, still watching the news.
“When am I not myself?” Jackson shrugs.
“You just seemed a bit…off lately. Like something was on your mind.” Jaebum finally shifts his gaze to meet Jackson’s over Youngjae’s head, and Jackson tries not to flinch guiltily. Did he plan this with Mark?
“I guess I was just thinking of how I need to practice my flips more and take care not to get injured again.” The best lies contain grains of truth after all. Sure enough, Jabeum’s expression clears a bit.
“Ah, I see. Well don’t think about it too much, you’ll just stress yourself and make you more likely to make mistakes.” That’s hilariously hypocritical advice coming from JB of all people, but Jackson nods without comment. Something in his face must give his thoughts away because Jaebum smiles sheepishly before he turns back to the television.
When Bambam and Yugyeom finally come out of the bathroom, Jackson only has about ten minutes to shower and get dressed before their van is due to arrive to take them to the shoot. Sneaky little bastards, he mumbles to himself as he hastily washes his body.
It’s spring, so the concept for the shoot is fresh youthfulness. The photographer wants to be bright expressions and energetic poses, something Jackson excels at. All is going well until he hears a tearing sound and feels the air from the industrial fan blowing against the skin on his back.
“.”
The noise of the camera shutter is so loud, that no-one else notices anything is wrong and the photographer asks why he stopped posing.
“I’m sorry, but, the shirt,” he turns and shows the rip at the back. “I’m really sorry,” Jackson bows.
“I admire your enthusiasm, but I really didn’t need that much energy,” the photographer says dryly. Jackson apologises and bows again, not know what else to do. “Your company will have to pay for that. At any rate, I got a lot of good shots from you, so you can get changed back into your regular clothes. Be more careful next time.”
Jackson bows again and leaves to get changed, shrugging off the hand Jaebum rests on his shoulder, ignoring Mark’s consoling words, and avoiding looking anyone in the eye. His ears are ringing and his hands are trembling slightly.
It’s weird how shaken up he feels when no-one’s actually yelling at him. It was an accident and he could possibly pay for the shirt out of his own pocket, but he feels like he just let the entire group down by causing an incident.
When they get back to the dorm, Jackson immediately barricades himself inside the one place he can be guaranteed a sliver of privacy-the toilet. He sits on the closed toilet seat and brings up Chrome on his phone, going to youtube and searching for their videos.
In retrospect it wasn’t the best idea to check the comment section, he really should have known better, but seeing praise from fans can be a real balm to his self-esteem so he always takes the risk. His soul sings at the ones that praise his entertaining skills–‘Jackson is the best’, ‘what a waste it would’ve been if he had chosen to be a fencer and not have his ability to bring laughter be known to the world’, ‘this kid is variety gold lol’–but of course there are always the odd comments that say he’s too loud and talks too much. He takes deep breaths, trying to focus on the positives, and for a while it works. But then he scrolls further down the page.
‘I have no idea why everyone swoons over this Jackson guy so much. He’s not funny, he can’t sing and his rapping is average at best. The flips he does are alright, but he’s not even the best at that in his group, and it’s just a gimmick anyway. All he does is make a fool of himself in a sad attempt to get laughs. It’s repetitive and predictable and you all eat it up. Ah whatever, even children get bored with their favourite toys soon enough. One day you’ll all see the light and drop him like a bad habit.’
Jackson should have stopped reading from the first sentence, shouldn’t read it over and over again until he can recite it from memory, but he could never stop himself from picking at his scabs.
“Jackson-hyung, what are you still doing in there? Hurry, I need to pee,” Youngjae whines from the other side of the door.
“Can’t a guy e in peace anymore? Calm down, I’m almost done,” Jackson says hoarsely.
“Ewww,” Youngjae squeals.
Jackson musters up all his strength and channels it into a series of groans and grunts before he flushes the empty toilet. He puts his phone in his pocket and exits the toilet, passing a sour-faced Youngjae on the way.
For a second he stops in the living room, not sure where to go, but he knows it’s anywhere but the confines of the dorm. He’ll get in trouble if he gets caught, but right now he couldn’t care less; he can’t stay here. He heads straight for the exit, quickly pulls on a pair of shoes that may or may not be his, and then he’s out the door.
“Jackson-hyung, where are you-”
He ignores Yugyeom and runs down the stairs, by-passing the elevator, to the bottom floor. He stops for a moment to catch his breath.
“Jackson?” He hears Jaebum call his name before he hears him come down the stairs after him. Jackson flips up his hood and pulls on a pair of sunglasses from out of his pocket before he leaves the apartment building. He knows he doesn’t have long before Jaebum catches up to him, so he turns off at the nearest street and hides instead of trying to outrun him. A few moments later he hears Jaebum call for him on the main road. Jackson thinks he’s just got to wait until he leaves, running off on a wild goose chase before he can come out and take a walk, but then his phone rings.
“,” he swears under his breath, fumbling to shut it off before Jaebum can hear it ring again. He ends up making so much noise that Jaebum probably finds him faster than if he just let it ring.
“Jackson, what the are you doing?” Jaebum asks as he stands over him. If he weren’t feeling completely right now, Jackson would very much appreciate this rare angle he’s seeing Jabeum from. Jaebum leans down and grabs his forearm, hauling him up with an ease that Jackson has only dreamed off, before he drags him back inside.
“What were you thinking? What if someone had seen you and found our dorm? What if our manager found out you left on your own?” Jaebum’s fingers dig so deeply into Jackson’s skin that he might not be able to remove them.
“Jaebum, hyung, it hurts. I’m sorry, okay,” Jackson winces. His voice sounds a lot more pathetic than he ever thought it could sound.
“Ah, .” Jaebum doesn’t fully release his arm, but he does lighten his hold on it significantly. He pulls down the sleeve of Jackson’s hoodie and grimaces at the red marks he left. Jackson has to swallow the ridiculous urge to apologise.
“I didn’t realise I was holding you so tightly. I’m sorry I hurt you.” Jaebum leans down and gently kisses the bruises. It’s ing ridiculous, but he does it so earnestly that Jackson feels his heart swell and burst in his chest.
“I just wanted to, to, I just wanted to,” Jackson finds himself stuck in a loop as his breath hitches and he tries to blink away the tears gathering in his eyes. “I only, wanted…”
Jaebum wordlessly pulls Jackson into his arms runs his hand up and down Jackson’s back. It’s mortifying, but Jackson can’t stop himself from clutching Jaebum like a lifeline and wailing like a colicky infant. After Jackson runs out of tears to cry, he buries his face into the junction of Jaebum’s neck and shoulder as the older boy whispers some soothing nonsense into his ears. He has no idea how long they’ve been standing there.
“Come on, we should go back up to the dorm,” Jaebum whispers while moving them both towards the lifts. A part of Jackson wants to insist they take the stairs to buy some more time before he has to face everyone else, but he’s so drained, physically and emotionally, that he’d probably wouldn’t have the strength to walk that much anyway.
“I know you probably don’t want it, but we do need to talk about this. I don’t know what set you off, but I have feeling this has been the boiling point of an on-going thing,” Jaebum says as they wait for the lift to reach the ground floor. Jackson dreads that imminent conversation, but he does appreciate the fact that Jaebum makes sure to keep at least one arm wrapped around him at all times.
“Jackson, I love you, we all do. And we’ll do whatever needs to be done to help you, but you have to talk to us and tell us what’s wrong, okay?” Jackson kind of hates how reasonable he sounds.
“Why?”
“Why do you need to talk to us?” Jaebum asks looking confused.
“Why do you love me?” Jackson mumbles. The elevator finally arrives, and this time Jackson is the one who has to move them inside. As they walk in, he sees Jaebum’s stricken face reflected in the mirror.
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Because I don’t know why you do. Because I don’t love myself.” He’s always been too terrified or too ashamed to say the words out-loud to another person before, but he’s too numb to care right now.
“Jackson-ah, you’re breaking my heart,” Jaebum croaks as the lift doors open. Jackson moves then out before the doors close again, but he stops short of their door. Jaebum presses a kiss to his temple before opening the door and guiding him in with a hand on the small of his back.
“Ah, sounds like Jaebum-hyung is back with Jackson-hyung. Why did you run out like-” Yugyeom stops when he catches sight of Jackson’s tear-streaked face. “What happened?”
“Yugyeom, take Jackson to the living room. I’m going to get everyone else. There’s something we need to talk about. Yugyeom nods, immediately coming over to wrap Jackson up in a hug that he can’t help but admit is comforting. Their youngest is like a living teddy bear. The situation is completely backwards, Jackson is the one who is supposed to be looking after him, but he buries his face in Yugyeom’s chest as they wait for their leader to gather everyone.
“What’s going on with Jackson?” Jackson hears Jinyoung ask. Jaebum probably hasn’t told him anything yet, but Jinyoung is very perceptive.
“That’s what we’re going to talk about. Jackson,” Jaebum calls him. Jackson sighs deeply before he peels himself off of Yugyeom. Youngjae pales when he sees his face and Bambam starts biting his fingernails. From the look on Mark’s face, Jackson can tell he’s mentally kicking himself for not noticing just how much he was suffering.
“Sit down. Now, when I caught up to Jackson and was bringing him back, he told me something very upsetting. Jackson, tell them what you told me.” Sure, why not? He’s broken down to the point where he said it once, what’s one more time?
“I said that I hate myself,” Jackson mumbles in a voice that doesn’t sound like his own. Jinyoung covers his mouth with his hand while Bambam’s mouth falls open. Youngjae looks like he’s questioning everything he knows about the world, and Yugyeom pulls him in to his side just a little more.
“Why would you say that?” Yugyeom whimpers beside him.
“Because it’s true; I haven’t enjoyed being me for a long time. I question myself constantly. What I’m doing here, in Korea, in GOT7. I don’t know what my selling point is as an idol or a friend or a human being. I thought if I kept forcing myself to act the way I did before then I would become myself again, and sometimes I do feel alright. But it always comes back. I wake up and I can’t stand the sight of my own face in the mirror.” He was so determined to hold his silence before, but now that it’s out he can’t stop talking.
“Hyung…” He can feel Yugeyom shaking and sniffling, and Youngjae looks like he’s not far behind. Mark sits on his other side and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug, Yugyeom’s arm still wrapped around him, as if he could simply squeeze the negativity out of his body. Mark then shifts to make room for Jinyoung to get an arm around him. Youngjae and Bambam hug him from behind and Jaebum reaches over them to run his hand through Jackson’s hair. Jackson closes his eyes as he feels his body relax. He’s not felt so at peace in such a long time.
“Do you love me?” he mumbles.
“Of course we do,” Mark hugs him tighter.
“Could you tell me why?”
“You’re my best friend, one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. I honestly might not have made it through training if I didn’t have you there with me. You understand me so well, and I love being with you so much. You make everything ten times more fun, and I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you were in so much pain. I thought you were acting a bit off at times, but I never thought it was this bad,” Mark says in English.
“I just don’t understand how you can say you hate yourself. You’re so fun and so kind, I’m always thankful that I was put in a group with you,” Yugyeom mumbles into his cheek.
“Since we’ve met you’ve always taken good care of me. Being away from my family all the time was really hard, especially on the holidays, but you were going through the same thing and we formed our own little family. I always say that I want to be seen as more manly, but I don’t really mind being your baby,” Bambam nudges his side.
“Jackson-ah, how can you not know your selling points? I’ll tell you then. As an idol, you’re definitely the ace of our group. You have a natural gift for drawing people to you, making them want to watch you, and that is invaluable to an entertainer. I know lots of people envy you for it. As a friend, you’re strongest point is that you always try to avoid making people feel bad about themselves, you always emphasise their positive traits. I’m sorry that you aren’t able to extend it towards yourself. As a human, you’re just a joy to be around. What doesn’t get better by adding Jackson?” Jinyoung kisses his neck.
“Jackson-hyung, I haven’t said this before, but I look up to you a lot. I think you’re good at everything you do and I always feel so good when you compliment me. I used to think I was holding the group back, but you never made me feel that way,” Youngjae sniffs into his back.
“I remember the first time we met. You greeted me with a bright smile and a loud voice, and I had no idea how to deal with you. We had such different personalities that I wondered how we were ever going to get along. But, since then, I’ve learned there’s much more to you than meets the eye. You play hard but you work even harder, and I might get annoyed with your antics sometimes, but really I’m glad for them. You keep the mood up and stop me from getting too serious,” Jaebum kisses the top of his head.
For a long while, they all just stand there in the living room, clustered like bees on a piece of honeycomb. No-one wants to let him go, and Jackson can’t find it within him to complain, He feels emotionally drained, but in a good way, like he’s just had the pus out of a huge boil on his leg.
“I don’t want to leave Jackson-hyung. Jaebum-hyung, can we all sleep together tonight?” Yugyeom finally breaks the silence.
“I guess we could for one night. You and Bambam would have to sleep on the floor though.”
“I don’t care.”
“Me either.”
“Alright, we’ll all sleep in the living room tonight. We should move all our bedding,” Jaebum says into Jackson’s hair, but doesn’t move just yet.
Eventually they do let go of him to shower or use the toilet, but there’s always at least three or four of them right by him, lying with their head in his lap, running their hands through his hair or hugging him.
That night, as he lies on the living room floor in another human cocoon, he tries to blink away the sleep that’s heavy in his eyes; he wants to soak up this feeling of peace for as long as he can. Eventually, his eyes close and don’t open, but his dreams are no less serene.
“If you could be reborn, what would you do differently?” That question comes a bit out of left field. It’s completely different in tone to the last two questions they were asked–‘What’s your favourite song on the album?’ and ‘Boxers or briefs?’–so everyone else is too stumped to answer, but Jackson speaks up.
“I wouldn’t do anything differently. I went through a lot of struggles to be accepted into JYP and then to debut, but I can’t think of any other way that would let me meet these six boys again, so I’d do everything the exact same way again. A life without GOT7 is not a life I’d want.”
Youngjae and Yugyeom rest their heads on his shoulders and Jinyoung his hair from behind.
“We wouldn’t a life without you either,” Jaebum says to group agreement, and Jackson beams.
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