1

 

"Jinki?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"When are you planning on ...leaving here?"

Kibum motioned his hand around. 

 

Jinki looked at Kibum.

"This...is my life, Kibum." He explained and stepped closer.

 

 The deserted, parched land consumed their vision. Little homes sparsely abound the land. Children were at play under the arduous sun far in the distance.

 

"This is what I've dreamt of all my life. To offer my services to those who can't afford it."

 

 Kibum understood what he meant. Jinki was passionate about his lifestyle since he refused to label what he did as just a job. He saw the glimmer his eyes and the genuine smile on his face when he tended to patients. 

Jinki had obligations. Persons where on the verge of the death, battling venereal

diseases, some of their bodies fighting against the medicines being administered. Everyday a new story unfolded, its complexity never boring Jinki, always had him preoccupied. He never complained because he believed that was his purpose ; to carry out the duties of a missionary doctor. Though Kibum admired his steadfast determination regarding work ethic and contribution in alleviating suffering , his job was very demanding. As a result Kibum was left feeling neglected, abandoned, and feeling like a second priority. 

 

Kibum turned to him, the sun in his face.

 

"Initially, you said we would spend 6 months travelling southeast Asia." He looked down. "It's almost 2 years."

 

"Kibum. If -" He stopped. He sighed and lifted Kibum's chin so the other can look at him. 

 

Their eyes met and a montage of earlier moments spent flashed in his mind: high school, college days and a little bit after. Times when they were so absorbed in each other to care about anything else in the world. Now as he eyes feasted on the bags hanging from Jinki's eyes and lines ingrained in his forehead, he wasn't pleased. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a decent look at the man before him.

 

"Doctor! Doctor!" A little girl came running by.  

 

Jinki spared Kibum sorrowful eyes. 

 

"Of course." Kibum smiled. Jinki cleared his throat and jogged after the little girl.

 

 "Of course." He repeated. "Of course."

 

That night as Kibum was slipping into his first stage of sleep, he felt a tickling sensation on his tummy. He stirred lazily, his limbs laden with exhaustion. Then he felt wetness on his neck and his eyes flickered open to dark room. 

 

"Kibum." Jinki murmured.

 

He turned around in Jinki's arms and his response was swallowed in a kiss. His body warmed up a bit more with each hungry, desperate touch. With eyes heavy with sleep and a mind in disarray he managed to squirm around, fumbling for the switch on the lamp nearby which glowed to life, extinguishing the darkness.

 

"Jinki? What's wrong?"

 

Jinki sat up and resumed his kissing and touching but Kibum squirmed away once again.

 

Jinki finally stopped and sported a confused expression.

 

"I thought this what was you wanted."

 

The lamp was suddenly of interest to Kibum.

 

"What was it all about today? Since the beginning of the week. You're appearance is forlorn."

 

Kibum swallowed.

 

"Yes, I want this but like this. I want you. I want us together in a home. Back home."

 

"Then why can't you look me eyes while you say that? Why do you make it sound so sordid?"

 

"Because I'm...giving up?" He choked out and turned to the other.

The words seem to hit home and Jinki broke eye contact. His eyelids fluttered rapidly as if trying hard to understand, digesting every syllable.

 

"When where you planning on telling me? I was bound to wake one day and see you gone?"

 

"No!" Kibum spoke up. "I've been thinking about it for a while now. I really have been. I've gone through sleepless nights wondering what would happen to you should I leave. Would you one day fall a victim to one of the diseases you constantly fight everyday? Would we make it through it all?" Kibum blinked away the tears threatening to fall. "But after almost driving myself insane, I realize I have dreams too."

 

"Right." Jinki said after almost 5 minutes of animals cries of the night outside their room made of board. He got his feet and paced back and forth. The uneasiness was making Kibum worry.

 

"Right." Jinki said again as if trying to convince himself that it was indeed right for the other to pursue his dreams. 

 

Right.

 

Kibum closed his eyes and relaxed only to jerk awake when the door slammed signalling Jinki's leave.

 

He released a shaky breath and leaned against his pillows waiting for Jinki's return.

 

Jinki never came back that night.

....

 

Kibum walked into the hall to see Jinki checking up on his patients and updating their files. He indicated to the doctor he'd want a minute alone to which Jinki nodded.

 Standing outside, the afternoon sun warmed his now unevenly tanned skin. 

When his patience started wearing thin Jinki came.

 

"Sorry about last night." Jinki began. "I was being selfish. You have dreams too and you ought to pursue and if I should be selfish to discourage you, I couldn't live with the thought of you hating me later on."

 

"Thanks." A smile graced Kibum's lips. "That means a lot."

 

Jinki's eyes minimized to little crescents when he grinned. Kibum could look forward to a smile like that for the rest of his life.

 

"The reason why I wanted to see you is that I've booked a flight for Seoul this evening." Kibum paused to gauge the other's reaction. 

 

Jinki merely showed a tight-lipped grin and a slight nod.

 

"I'm sorry for throwing this on you so suddenly." 

 

No response.

 

"Well." Jinki blinked. "I'll miss you." Kibum whispered. 

 

"I love you." Jinki finally said and lifted a palm to Jinki's cheek. 

 

"I love you too."

 

2

 

Kibum's mother descended on him when he returned home.

 

"Oh my! Oh my gosh, Kibum." His mother cried and grabbed his face. "You've lost weight! And your skin." She fussed. 

 

Kibum let her be and revelled in the warmth radiating from her body. 

 

Kibum began re- adapting at home and playing catch up with childhood friends.

 

"Kibum. What do you want to do?" His mother asked one night at dinner.

 

"Cook. I want to cook all the meals I can in my own restaurant."

 

"Very well." 

 

 

Kibum had sent off his first email to Jinki during the week of his return but hadn't honoured their agreement because the next few weeks consisted of him sitting a few culinary lessons and getting his paperwork in order to open his own restaurant. It was tough finding the right place in the town, buying equipment and getting workers but Kibum didn't tire because his dream was finally materializing before his eyes.

 

Finally.

 

It was when he was sifting through his email flooded with applications that he stumbled upon an email from Jinki.

 

'I take it that your mad at me. I cannot stress it enough how sorry I am. Please give me a call or send a message so I know that you still care.' A portion read. 

 

It was sent three weeks ago.

 

"Ugh." Kibum groaned and silently berated himself. He then started on an email but stopped and opted for a more immediate mean of communication: Skype.

 

He released a sigh of relief when he saw that Jinki was online.

 

"Hello?" A white female came on the screen.

 

Kibum frowned.

 

"Uh..hello..um hi! May I speak to Doctor Lee?"

 

"May I ask who is calling?"

 

Kibum frowned even more at the formality.

 

"Is that necessary?"

 

"Protocol, sir." She explained. 

 

"It's Kibum. Kibum Kim."

 

The girl smiled and disappeared from the screen. Screams and cried blew from Kibum's speaker and he thanked the lucky stars that he was no longer there to witness the suffering.

 

A few seconds later he was face to face with Jinki.

 

"Kibum." He stared. "I came as quickly as I could. You look well."

 

Kibum tried not to grimace at the prominent cheekbones on the other's face. Was he eating well now that he wasn't there to prepare his meals?

 

"I'm fine. Are you?"

 

Jinki coughed a nasty cough which made Kibum nervous.

 

"Yeah. A little common-cold that's all." He smirked. 

 

Kibum tired to focus on the conversation but every time Jinki coughed he flinched. 

 

When he laid in bed that night he found himself worry about Jinki and his health. Had his worst nightmare come through and Jinki contacted an illness? Jinki looked so much thinner and distraught.

 

 

 

Over the course of the following weeks Kibum officially became a restauranteur at the expense of his relationship. He didn't know for sure what was going on but the emails got fewer and fewer and so did the calls. 

 

Kibum was at the first opening greeting customers when the door jingled and Jinki entered. He stared as if he were in a trance and Jinki in a beenie was only a figment of his imagination. 

 

Kibum didn't know what he should do. He was torn between going over to give a special welcome or waiting until he was seen. His feet started leading in the direction where the other stood looking so out of place.

 

"Excuse me!" A woman appeared before him.

 

"This place is exquisite at first glance! Would you mind speaking to my husband, he's the senior chef at the Hwa Young Hotel."

 

Kibum smiled at her enthusiasm.

 

"Of course. I'm honoured." He said and followed the lady to the other side of the building.

 

After the meet and greet Kibum attention returned to where he last saw Jinki but he was gone.

 

Kibum pushed the thought aside and attempted to enjoy the rest of the evening but he couldn't.

 

 

 

"Darling today was a success. Even the media was pleasant."

 

"Indeed." Kibum added and continued eating his dinner.

 

"Are you alright ,dear?" She placed a palm over Kibum's clenched fist.

 

Kibum swallowed and reached for his drink. After two big gulps he glanced at his mother.

 

"Today at the restaurant, did you happen to see Jinki at all?"

 

His mother retracted her hand and looked away. 

 

"This is your time my son. Tonight is your night; no one else's."

 

"So you didn't see him?" Kibum repeated.

 

"No."

 

Kibum got to his feet and offered to cleanup. When he was washing up he almost cut himself with the knife. 

 

Jinki was on his mind.

 

 

......

 

"Oh Mrs. Kim." Jinki beamed at her and adjusted the sunglass hiding his eyes.

 

She didn't return the greeting.

 

"What are you doing here?" She demanded in a hushed tone and quickly ushered Jinki outside.

 

"Mrs. Kim, I'm here to surprise Kibum. We haven't seen each other in a while." He explained politely but she was having none of it.

 

She held her hand up.

 

"No you're not. Today is about Kibum, all about Kibum and not you. I won't allow you to steal his spotlight." She paused. "You've done that enough."

 

"You don't understand. I-"

 

"Oh I understand alright. I'm asking you kindly to please leave." 

 

Jinki saw the fire in her eyes and nodded in defeat.

 

"Thank you."

 

They parted ways.

 

3

 

 Jinki collected his items , thanked the pharmacist and headed towards his rental car. When he inserted his key to open the door someone engulfed him from behind.

 

"Jinki!" He knew that voice any where. "I knew I wasn't crazy last night."

 

He whirled to be faced with a teary eyed Kibum. He cupped the younger's face with the thought of kissing him but he dropped his hand and thought otherwise.

 

"You look well." 

 

......

 

Kibum sat down, the sofa taking him in as he waited for Jinki to return to the sitting room. His eyes darted around the area seeing layers of dust hiding the furniture's beauty. Jinki hadn't been back long enough to start cleaning up.

 

A piece of paper poking out from beneath a brown envelop on the coffee table caught Kibum's eye. From where he sat , he merely glimpse a letter head which pricked at his memory. Not feeling satisfied with only a glimpse, he reached out to pull at its end but Jinki's approaching footsteps startled him.

 

"When did you get back?" 

 

Jinki took a seat beside Kibum, having removed his beenie and sporting a shaved head. Kibum scrunched his nose a the new look.

 

A pause.

 

"Two days ago?"

 

"I'm glad you're here." Kibum hugged him. His arms fitted perfectly around Jinki's figure.

 

 You've lost weight , he thought.

 

"Any reason for the sudden return?"

 

Jinki laughed. His laughed bounced off the walls and drowned in Kibum's ears. He liked the feeling. It was a bit nostalgic.

 

"Enough of me. Tell me about the strides you made so far."

 

Kibum didn't hesitate to fill him in on the classes he sat and the tiring processes he had to go through to finally open his restaurant. Jinki didn't miss the way the other's eyes lit up similar to how a moon lit up the night sky. When he talked and talked, his voice exuded the immense passion and love for cooking. 

 

"It's like edible art. You work to create this recipe and you get to eat it afterwards." Kibum finished.

 

Jinki stared at him and Kibum chuckled at his own silliness. 

 

"I get carried away sometimes."

 

"I'm smitten."

 

Kibum giggled like he often did during their early dating days. Their eyes met and Kibum scooted closer until their thighs were touching. Jinki took the initiative once again claiming Kibum's lips with his own. It was slow, sensual, gentle. Jinki added more tongue, more force filling Kibum with his love. He reached under the latter's arm and pulled him closer. His actions broke the kiss which had them both panting lightly. 

 

Kibum never made it to his lap but he reached for the jacket which slipped off easily. The shirt was next leaving Kibum's top half exposed, vulnerable and craving Jinki's caresses. Kibum shifted and reached for the buttons on Jinki's shirt. His slim fingers worked at the buttons and his lips returned the kisses.

 

"I don't plan on stopping." He whispered in Jinki's mouth.

 

"I don't want you to."

...

 

Kibum arrived at his restaurant later that day to see that things were progressing smoothly in his absence. There was a little spring in his step as greeted the customers enjoying the meals and his employees flitting around. The smile didn't fade when he got dressed in uniform and entered the kitchen. As a matter of fact he felt more alive.

....

 

"Where were you today?"

 

"Mom!" Kibum gashed blinked when the light flickered on to reveal his mother sitting in the sofa, anticipating his arrival, he supposed.

 

"I was out for majority of the day."

 

"I see." She said letting the last word hang for a few seconds. "I'm your mother."

 

Kibum was confused and felt an air of unspoken conflict between them. He didn't like the faint sense of being attacked. 

 

She gazed at him. There was a flatness to her gaze , like a bulb had burnt out.

 

"Don't lie to me." And with that she left for her bedroom.

 

Kibum cheery mood went away in an instant.

...

 

Days passed and Kibum heart grew each time a customer walked through his doors. Business was going well, receiving compliments and recipe requests even events planners were requesting him to cater for their patrons.

 

Of all the people that ebtred he didnt see the one who he wished to see.

 

Jinki never visited.

...

 

 

 

Three knocks disturbed Jinki resulting in him almost choking to the death due to the 7 pills lodged at the back of his throat.

 

The knocks were at it again followed by Kibum's call.

 

"A minute!"

 

Jinki became agitated and began scraping at the bills, prescriptions and letters and dumped them in the basket by his bed.

 

"How are you?" He asked whilst gasping for breath.

 

Kibum eyebrow inched upwards at his fidgeting but entered anyway. 

 

Jinki released a sigh of relief and locked the door.

 

"Why are you never there? Why don't you ever drop by? Aren't you proud of me?"

 

"Kibum calm down." Jinki advised. Kibum listened and waited a few seconds.

 

"Why don't you drop by my restaurant? It's been one of my greatest achievements and it's been two months."

 

Silence.

 

Jinki moved slowly towards the counter and braced against it for support. Kibum took in every movement.

 

"I don't want to impose." Jinki opted for vagueness not wanting to bring his encounter with Kibum's mother a while back.

 

"Impose? That's absurd." Kibum scoffed. "You being their show your support. I always try to be there for you, touring southeast Asia and watching as you did your job.

 

Truth. Kibum spoke the truth.

 

"It's not that I don't support you."

 

"Then what is it?"

 

Jinki folded his arms across this chest. His thin arms.

 

"This is your time. I don't want to steal the spotlight. I've..done that enough." Her exact words he remembered.

 

Kibum face softened.

 

"Aw Jinki. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way." Kibum briefly embraced him and pecked his lips. 

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"It's fine."

 

Jinki's phone rang which had him running to the next room to receive the call. 

 

Kibum paced a few times and finally fell into the sofa and heard papers crumpling beneath him.

 

"What's this?" He asked no one in particular. 

 

His eyes darkened and a hand flew over mouth as he took in the contents of the page.

 

"So yes we were-" Jinki paused when he saw Kibum reading. 

 

In a flash Jinki clawed at Kibum's hands tearing the document in the process. Kibum showed no resistance and made no attempt to wipe at his wet eyes.

 

"When were you planning on telling me? That's why you ing shaved?"

 

"It's nothing."

 

"Nothing?! Jinki you're sick!"

 

No response.

 

"Are you even going back to continue the missionary project?"

 

No response.

 

"Is this..is this why you came back?" 

Jinki's eyes were glued to floor, teeth clenched.

 

Kibum jumped to his feet and shoved at his shoulders.

 

"Answer me!" He shoved again. "I'm talking to you!" 

 

"Just forget it!" Jinki retaliated. "This is my burden to carry. I've been carrying it for a couple years now and will until i die."

 

Kibum fumed but remained speechless.

 

"Just forget it."

 

"Forget it?" Kibum echoed. "You selfish prick! What else have you hidden from me? My love means nothing to you?"

 

Jinki refused to meet his eyes. 

 

"You're such a hypocrite. You travel world treating the sick, maintaining their health while neglecting yours. Now tell me that isn't a contradiction in itself."

 

Silence.

 

"Alright." Kibum heaved a sigh. 

 

"Alright." He said and left.

 

Kibum cried himself to sleep that night.

....

 

 Kibum woke the next morning and went to his job. He greeted his customers with a smile and gave an assuring pat on each employee's shoulder. He worked without complaining and made it throughout the day without shredding a tear.

It wasn't until he got home and his mother confronted him did he start to feel like a human again.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Kibum went to the fridge and poured himself 4 glasses of wine. When he felt sated enough he answered the question.

 

"Jinki has...cancer." He inhaled deeply and went on. "He wasn't ...talking his medication for a while and it's taking a toll on him." His voice started breaking. "His doctor even wrote him, pleading with him to go through with chemotherapy."

 

His mother felt immense guilt remembering how she treated Jinki the last she saw him.

 

"I-I didn't know, honey." 

 

"I noticed the difference. In Cambodia he became distant and seemed to only value his work. His eyes were becoming vacant and I noticed the weight loss. I would have never guessed it was ...cancer."

 

"Oh dear." She added.

 

"Ten years now. He knew since the last year of high school."

 

"Kibum." His mother began. "It must have been difficult for him. Think about it, dear. No one takes news like that lightly. Maybe he thought it would be simpler for you both if only he knew." She took a deep breath. "The fact that it is his business. He can't tell you everything."

 

Kibum eyes widened at the last sentence.

 

Cancer is as impartial as much as it is destructive. It knows no gender , no race and doesn't pick its victim by the look of one's face. 

 

Remorse washed over him.

 

 4

 

Jinki opened his door three days later to finding Kibum holding a basket of fruits and reciting an apology.

 

"You can't tell me everything. I'm sorry for the way I acted. Please forgive me?"

 

Jinki scratched his chin put on a pensive expression. 

 

"If I don't, can I still have the fruits?"

 

Kibum's mouth fell open in surprise and worry.

 

"Gotcha!" Jinki squealed taking the basket from Kibum who relaxed and tried to calm down.

 

"For reals?"

 

"For shizzle." Jinki kissed his nose and tugged him inside.

 

They sat on the sofa and attacked the edible arrangement Kibum brought.

 

"I thought you wouldn't talk to me again but I think I'd mentally prepared myself for that." Jinki began.

 

Kibum almost choked on a bitter slice of pineapple.

 

"What I said the other night was fuelled by anger. I just care about you so much and..and I dont know what I would do with myself if something should happen to you...."

 

"I love you, too." Jinki grinned."Three days apart gave me ample time to think about my life." He touched Kibum's arm. "About us."

 

"And?" Kibum seemed too eager to hear the rest.

 

"You can't control everything, Kibum. As much as you try, you can't. Our dreams are different but within reach. If I refuse to do chemo, it's my decision but I'm still indecisive about it. I can't and won't tell you everything. I'm entitled to some privacy. I like what we have, maybe not at the moment right now because I despise arguments."

 

Kibum reached for five grapes and gobbled them down.

 

"But I think I could take it 2 more decades."

 

"2 more decades? Why 2 more decades?"

 

"Predicted life span?"

 

"Who said that, your doctor?" Kibum asked bitterly. Eating fruits and discussing a grave matter such a death wasn't the most comforting discussion.

 

"I say that."

 

Kibum looked at him incredulously.

"What?"

 

"So what do you say?" Jinki asked and pulled at the other. Kibum complied and settled on Jinki's legs. The younger looked down and closed the distance between them with a smooch.

 

"Hmm sweet." Jinki smiled lazily and patted his lips with an index finger. A smile tugged at Kibum's lips and gave into Jinki's wish with another kiss and another and another.

 

"Marry me." Jinki said breathiless against his boyfriend's swollen, kissable lips.

 

 Kibum jerked his head back and adjusted his arms around Jinki's neck.

 

"What?"

 

"Marry me."

 

"Now?"

 

"Yeah, why not?"

 

"Are you serious?"

 

"As a judge."

 

"Marry you?"

 

"Yes. I'll make you a priority. I'll have a bigger reason to live for."

 

"The second being your lifestyle?"

 

Jinki laughed. "You know me too well."

 

Kibum put a finger to his chin as if sifting through and weighing his thoughts. He couldn't see himself being with anyone else. He'd spent so much of his youth with him already and the feelings were not going anywhere any time soon. Jinki was everthing he wanted in a man except the illness but he'd rather have Jinki now while he can than not at all.

 

"Ask me again."

 

"Marry me?"

 

"Again."

 

"Marry me Kim Kibum?"

 

"Yes!" 

 

Jinki grinned and gazed lovingly at him.

 

Kibum was elated! 

 

He could seem them now, sitting by the fire place, holding hands with little Tabitha playing with her toys nearby. He always wanted a daughter by that name.

 

Jinki then remembered Kibum's mother and her animosity towards him.

 

"Jinki...why aren't you jumping too?”

 

Jinki shook his head at the feeling of a headache coming on.

 

They would make it through it all.

 

Jinki sprang to his feet to contain a wild Kibum.

 

”I think we should consumate this engagement.” He suggested, looping his fingers in Kibum's belt buckle.

 

"I think so too.”

 

By time they reached the bedroom they were deeply kissing.