Don’t kill me. 

Des:  angst.

********************************************************************

“I’ll pick him up. Please take care of him until I arrived.” Siwon said to the phone on his ear, turning his gaze to the beautiful person sitting on the couch in the living room.

“I have to go now.” He said giving a peck to the person’s forehead and belly.

He entered the club with bunch of feels; he caused all of this , if he was careful enough, Kyuhyun wouldn’t be in a bar, ruining his body with alcohol, every night. 

He approached the bartender and the latter motioned his finger to the right corner of the VIP room where someone was lying motionless; cheek faceflat on the table, passed out. He sighed and took a long step to get the drunken man, his man, one year ago.

He tried to lift the man by pulling his sides and made him sit, in seconds the body moved, stirred from his sleep. His cheeks flushed, his nose was red, eyes opened and closed wobbly, mouth muttered something but didn’t reach Siwon’s ear.

“Let’s go home, Kyuhyun.” He said, slump the man’s arm on his shoulder and began to stand up holding the weight of the man. Compared to one year ago, this man lose his meat a lot, more than eight kilos, he looked awfully pale, sour and lithe, no cheekbones but he still has the baby face, only looked a bit older than before, but still juvenile.

Kyuhyun toddled his feet on the way to the parking lot while hiccupping and kept talking nonsense that Siwon didn’t hear too clearly. Siwon put the lithe man on the passenger seat, helping his feet to rest comfortably, fixed his seatbelt and closed the door.

The ride was filled with Kyuhyun’s blabbering, some of them caught Siwon’s ears that Siwon knew it was about his new project with Sung Si Kyung, and some variety show invited him asking about the scandal a year ago.

“You know where feels come from?” he said in between his hiccups, it was too clear for Siwon to ignore. He darted his eyes to the innocent look man beside him, still giggling because of nothing but the alcohol.

Siwon didn’t answer, and then Kyuhyun continued. “I bet you didn’t know right?” he said absentmindedly.

He turned his face to see the city view from the glass window before him. Then he drew something with his index finger on it, a person.

“This...” He pointed to the head. “Feels come from here, that’s why when someone’s falling in love he is losing his mind, insane.” 

Siwon listened; 

Kyuhyun continued “Also when someone falls in love, the brain produces oxytosin which can disrupt the memory, it makes people forget easily.” He turned to see Siwon. “Are you forgetting me............ or to be precise are you falling in love, Siwonnie?”

 A year ago....

“It escalated fast. It’s all over internet now.”

“What....what should we do?”

“Get ready for the press conference and I’ll tell you what you would say. I warn you to be careful, now that this happened, you’ll follow my rule.” Said the angry man.

“Actually Siwon is getting married.” The manager said with beam on the press conference; gathering nearly all media from all over the country, but the two former members of Super Junior rejected to appear on the press conference. “That picture of Kyuhyun and Siwon; they just got back from schedule, and they weren’t kissing, it was the angle, and we are processing this case and arranging meeting with the person who uploaded the picture, who actually a sansaeng that has been following them around.”

Fortunately, the news went down after the announcement of Siwon’s wedding date.............as well as their relationship. It was a painful three-months for Kyuhyun to live in town at that moment, he had to endure witnessing all of Siwon’s wedding pictures that debauchedly popped up in all over the media, TV, radio, tabloid, magazine and talks. Kyuhyun was claustrophobic. He shut everything down; shut everyone off from his live, away from the frenzied state. He just needed to be alone, he need a peace of mind. 

It was kind of their decision that Siwon should be married for real, which means with a girl; but they promised, Siwon promised it was only about it, fake marriage, no love, no feelings, he would stick to Kyuhyun just like before, he would still be Kyuhyun’s man, live together; just a matter of time until everything goes back to normal.

It started when 5 months later, Siwon told by his wife that she was pregnant for two months; and Siwon was unbelievably too happy about it. For a fake marriage it should be a disaster, but the opposite, he felt grateful, excited and blithe. He started the good relationship with his wife, before he only met the girl once two weeks, or once a month, lately he came home every day, every night, checking his pregnant wife and the bundle of joy inside her belly. But that was too palpable for Kyuhyun, the changes within Siwon’s attitude, he changed, actually he was so happy, he smiled a lot, he hanged out with a lot of people, more accurately with married people, fathers. He would come home with informations about how to take care of a baby, how to raise kids, how the fathers saved money for the kids; and Kyuhyun would listen to Siwon’s vents with open minded, though he hated the idea of Siwon made love with the girl, despite they’re married.

22 weeks later .....

Siwon didn’t call as many before, let alone came home; Kyuhyun often left alone in their big shared apartment. He had schedules, but sometimes it was rueful to come home with an empty rooms, no one was there; Siwon was getting too attached to the new family. Somewhat Kyuhyun understood, but he loathed it every time Siwon broke his promise; which happened most of the time, Kyuhyun would stay silent for the sake of their relationship. But the pent-up feeling was too much when Siwon forget their tryst on his birthday. 

The day should be served for Kyuhyun only, it was his day, his rules, he should get what he wants, but he didnt. Probably they were too old for simple thing like birthday party, maybe they were living in new world where greetings via message is understandable, or maybe they weren’t in the same page anymore. They write the same layer of paper, their inks touched but they wrote different history, they were no longer have the same dream. 

Kyuhyun stared at his own birthday cake waiting on the living room for someone who never came back. The candles were melted topping the ruined cake.

****

Siwon took Kyuhyun upstairs to their shared apartment in difficulty because Kyuhyun kept on falling down and refused to walk further. Finally they made to the bedroom, he put Kyuhyun down on the mattress, fixed his position on the bed.

“Please stay.” Kyuhyun whispered.

Siwon who was holding the doorknob ready to out from the room stopped. Took some steps back and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Please stay.....just tonight.” Kyuhyun said, eyes opened and his face looked like he was sober enough to talk.

“I can’t.” Siwon said.

Kyuhyun pulled Siwon’s wrist and forced him down on top of him, kissed Siwon’s lips hungrily, ravished the smooth skin and asked for an entrance, only he stopped when the latter didn’t respond at all, cold, expressionless, he was stiff and have the look that kept hunting Kyuhyun since one year ago; pity.

He pushed Siwon away and stood up. He was so angry to be treated that way, was he some lost puppy that only got a pity from Siwon? His blood rushed to his head made him feel dizzy for a split of second.

He laughed mockingly at how unhearing Siwon could be about his state. He ruffled his hair frustatingly.

 His eyes hollowed 

“It’s funny how life changes and it’s funnier how a person copes it.” He said

“You used to say it’s a benefit for me that I can’t get pregnant even though you ed me hard all day and night.....but now, it feels like I am useless for you because I can’t bear your child...right?” he said tears started falling down to his cheeks.

“Kyuhyun!...you know it isn’t about it.” 

Kyuhyun slapped Siwon’s hand that trying to reach him.

“Shut up! Don’t give me false hope. You are an .” Stood up but nearly fell down still slightly hangover. Siwon gripped Kyuhyun’s wrist and pulled him into tight embrace, while the latter struggled to release himself with all his power, but he was nothing compared to Siwon, he gave up, dumped his face to the latter’s shoulder and panting.

Siwon could feel his shirt getting wet from Kyuhyun’s tears and his shirt was so crumpled that he had to change it later before went home to meet his wife. He soothed Kyuhyun’s back dotingly though he knew perfectly it was not in the surface, the one which in pain was Kyuhyun’s heart and he didn’t know how to cure it nor he could. 

Kyuhyun felt safe for some reason and somewhat he knew perfectly this kind of warm embrace, he longed for so long; like the man before him was the man he knew years ago, the man promised him for better and worse, for richer and for poorer, for sickness and in health, till death do them part. The hug hushed Kyuhyun’s anger away, he willingly rested his head on the older’s shoulder, putting more weight on his torso.

After some moment of silence, the lithe body on Siwon’s arm started breathing at ease and Siwon could feel the weight on his shoulder was heavier, the sign that Kyuyhun already fell asleep. He carefully put the man down, placed his head to the soft pillow and fixed the duvet to cover his body. He stared immensenly at the man for awhile before get on his heels ready to leave, “I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, Kyuhyun. I always love you.” He kissed Kyuhyun on his forehead for seconds, fast enough to move before the water fell from his eyes wetting Kyuhyun’s cheek. He climbed the bed and nestle himself on the spacious bed beside Kyuhyun. It was the first time after five months he slept on the same bed with Kyuhyun.

***

Perhaps Kyuhyun was immature, perhaps Kyuhyun was selfish, perhaps it was a piled up emotion that he has been hiding for more than a year. The moment he was sick, he needed Siwon, he was told by the doctor to be hospitalized, but he rufesed, simply because he wanted Siwon to acompany him through the night. Unfortunately, at the same time there was another person who needed Siwon as well; and in a few hours there would be two who needed Siwon, probably would be waiting for his homecoming ever night from that moment on.

None of them said anything, staring into space, the tick tock from the wall clock saved the awkward moment.

When Siwon’s phone rang, Kyuhyun darted his eyes to him, remotely pushed his anger button; because he seemed to wait the call: it was very important to you, wasn’t it? Kyuhyun thought.

As soon as Siwon answered with a very tender voice, He knew who it was on the other line of the call. He could see that Siwon listening to her talking. When he said "okay" He clenched his heart to stop it jumping out from his ribcage; he already made his choice. He knew that was supposed to mean something. But he waited, until Siwon ended the call and stared at him with a look; guilty? 

Did you pity me when you said sorry? Said A voice from Kyuhyun’s head

He knew he was pathetic, but he won't give up yet. He managed to say 

"Please don't go" 

Trying hard to hold the hunk of water layering his eyes. Siwon stared at him like he wanted to hug him but he never did. Instead he rubbed his face roughly, eyes somber, like he just spend weeks battling in the war zone.

"She needs me" Siwon said without looking at 

"I need you too.” Kyuhyun plead. “Please..." he whispered again, upon hearing his own words he could see all his prides scattered on the carpet, unattended. 

“I’m sorry...” 

He let the first drop fell down to his cheek. 

one 

two 

three 

Siwon stood up; either because Siwon couldn't see him crying or because Kyuhyun was just too miserable to deal with.

"If you go, you won't see me when you're coming." he stated, more like a threat. 

Siwon looked at him again with a wistful face that he know couldn't change anything.

"I'm sorry." he said for the last time before he turned away and closed the door behind.

"I warned you" He said to himself before dragging his trembling feet to 'used to be their' room. Took all his things, frames, photos, laptop, books, He just took everything out, then he walked to the bathroom, took his toothbrush that stood haphazardly in the mug.

 “I hope you’ll like your new friend or friends” He said to the other toothbrush inside the mug, putting a gold band inside it, made a clink sound. 

He went to the kitchen and took his favorite mug, spoon and plate and everything that belong to him from the counter. 

Somewhat he felt so stupid to do so, it felt like he just helped Siwon to get rid of him from his life for real. So he just threw them to the kitchen midden.

He packed two bags neatly on the couch ready to leave, but his feet glued to the marble floor. This was the end of it, he knew after takeoff from the exit door, he would be in a crying mess, he might throw everything, he might drink again, he might waste his life, he might never move on, he might hold grudges, he might live in regret for giving up, but he knew when he left, Siwon would be a father, a best father Kyuhyun could imagine, and that’s the only thing he never regret for leaving.

"I'll make you a great father one day, I promise." Kyuhyun said crossing his heart after Siwon finished his vows that night in London, seven years ago.

END

Regards,

Serena H_