There are some things in life we couldn't control.

-The coldness of the empty bed woke me up. I glanced over to my side. Empty. She's not here. "Did she leave this early in the morning?" Came my mumbles as I sat up, rubbed my sleepy eyes, and glanced at the bedside clock, my hair mussed up in such a way that it looked like a bird's nest. What a way to start the day.

"God, it's only 5:00 am?"

I walked out of the bedroom, sleep still haunting me. Sometimes I wonder, how does she manage to stand my personality? I never got the right qualities for a girlfriend. I'm lazy, I'm short, I whine a lot, I have a lot of demands. A smile crossed my lips, just at the slightest bit, at the thought of craving for sushi in the middle of the night and her getting it for me. And trust me, I don't eat sushi. And I'm not pregnant too.

Like falling in love.

I stopped as the hearty scent of eggs, bacon, sausages, ham and pancakes filled my nostrills. I salivated at the thought of it. Taking another whiff, I entered the kitchen. And there I saw it. There, I saw her. The most beautiful person I've ever seen. Slowly, creeping up at her back, I raised my arms, ready to tickle her. She always had a weakness for tickles. The way she would clutch at her stomach hard, and laugh so much that the sides of her eyes forms crow's feet. The way she crinkles her nose and snorts. She never liked herself snorting whenever she laughs. I didn't know why. I always found it endearing, even though she always calls it disgusting. She is always amusing in her own way. This lover of mine.

"Baby, don't you plan to tickle me this time. I know what you're up to." Her husky voice cuts through my thoughts. The sounds of her chopping carrots, the sizzle of the bacon and eggs on the pan, and the whistling of the kettle filled the room.

A pout was formed on my lips. Dang, how could she know? I crinkled my nose and stuck my tongue out at her, albeit knowing she couldn't see. I was replied to by a laugh. "You're so cute, baby. Do it once more and I'll kiss you right here, right now."

My face turned red from embarrassment. So she did see. Even with her back turned, she knows me well, huh? A content smile was on my face as I leaned closer to her and gave her a backhug, arms finding its way to her waist, my face burying at her broad back, sniffing the ever familiar scent of cinnamon. 

"Baby~" she whined as she tilted her head back and held my cold hands tight against her warm ones. "C'mere. Don't stay at the back. I wanted to see you so badly."

"But don't you think backhugs are romantic?" I said lazily, my eyes threatening to close right then and there, as I rested my whole weight on her back, inhaling her addictive scent further.

"Romantic is my lips on yours." She said with a smirk.

"Anymore new ideas, seobang?" I whispered against her ear, earning myself a slight moan from her.

"Anything other than my lips on yours?" 

"Anything other than that."

"Ummmm....." she pouted. There it is again the same pout that melted my heart every single time. "How about.... my lips on yours... in the rain! Aha! I'm a genius seobang, right?"

"Stupid. It's summer." I groaned as I tightened my hug on her.

"Babe, you're suffocating me."

"Well from where I came from, it's called a bear hug."

"Bear...hug?"

"Ummhmmm..."

"Alright, how about my lips on yours, on the beach, with a bear hug?" She asked with a cheeky grin.

"Yah. You have a really wild imagination seobang. I should have known." I sighed. Seriously, sometimes she can be... so... much of a dork that it starts to looks cute.

"But it was a good idea..."

"Arasso. Arasso. It was a good idea." I cooed as I let go of the hug and faced her to me. 

"It was genius! Right, babe?"

"The best idea ever." Sometimes, I really have to spoil this big baby of mine. The pout in her face started to form into a smile.

"I. Love. You. " She said in between kisses in my forehead, nose, and cheek. Then she stopped.

I looked at her, pleading for the 'my lips on yours' she has been talking about since forever.

She only tapped my nose as a response. "You've gotta brush your teeth first, you stink."

"Yaah~" I whined as I playfully hit her on the shoulder. "I don't stink!"

"Yes. Yes you do."

"Aishh, seobang, you'll really get it from me!" I said as I chased her out of the kitchen into the bedroom. I tackled her on the bed and straddled her, tickling her on her sides.

"Hahaha!" I laughed in the most evil way possible, like how they do in movies. "Who's stinky now?" 

"Hahahahahah.... y-you!" 

"Mwo!" I stopped for a while to catch my breath. "You still think like that?" And gave her a playful glare before tickling her again. 

"Stop- hahahaha- baby, stop!"

What happened next surprised me. I didn't know how or where she got the strength to turn me over. I mean she is the seobang and all, but for goodness sake, I was on the soccer team!

"Aha! Now it's my turn!"

"No seobang, please no, no, no-"

"Ah-ah-ah~ this time is where the great seobang takes her revenge! Mwahahahah- the bacon! It's burning!"

She jumped off the bed with me following behind her. Going into the kitchen, she turned off the stove with nimble fingers, and opened the exhaust, the black smoke rising and clouding the whole place at the same time.

"S-sorry seobang." I mumbled as I saw her poking at the  burnt piece of meat with her fork.

"What are you saying, babe? It's not your fault, alright? I was not careful, that's all. Sorry. It's supposed to be a super duper breakfast for you. But it's not edible now isn't it?" She said while scratching at the back of her neck.

"I-i'm really, really sorry seobang. If I hadn't tickled you when you said no, it wouldn't have happened." Guilt was striking on me very fast.

"So you were at fault." She said, her voice now ice-cold. And it scared me. She never talked this way before.

"N-ne." Tears started welling up in my eyes. But I couldn't show her. It's not her fault after all. It's mine.

She lifted my chin and cupped my cheeks. "In that case, you would have to receive punishment, right?" She said as she wiped my tears away.

"Y-yeah." I sniffed, unsure of what it was.

"Then..." she trailed off as she pointed to her lips. "Kiss me?"

I couldn't believe myself. With my mouth agape, I could hear her softly chuckle.

"Please?"

"With pleasure, seobang." I leaned in and glued our foreheads together.

"I love you....Yeon-ah. Don't you ever forget that."

'Y-yeon-ah? But I'm-'

She placed her thumb over my lips and leaned in. And even though my mind was saying no, my heart was saying yes. This was wrong. 

She leaned in further.

 

 

 

And further-

 

"Cut!" 

But most of the time, we make mistakes

"Everybody did a good job! Now, we can pack up everyone!" The director shouted as he called the camera man over. 

"Thank you for your hard work!" I smiled cheerfully amidst being tired myself, as I bowed to everyone on the set preparing to leave. I decided to stay back for a while. I just wanted her to leave first. Not when I started to think about her differently. Not when I'm not supposed to. 

'Everything was fake, Jessica. The sweet words. The backhugs. The cuddling. They were all part of the narration. Part of the script. She didn't love you. She loved Yeon-ah. Live with it.' And somehow, even if I wanted to push those thoughts away, it kept coming back. Truth hurts. Truth ing hurts.

"Hey, Jessica-ssi! You were really good in acting! I couldn't believe you just got discovored now. Really, you were amazing. I fell in love within those 4 hours of filming this cut."

That smile again. On and off cam, that smile never changed.

"O-oh yeah? You were great yourself, Yuri-ssi." I said, and I fell quiet. I always kill the mood in a conversation. That's why I hated socializing in the first place. Now I'm stuck and rooted, sweat trickling in every pore of my body (gross). But I was nervous! This has never happened before. And now it did, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act. 

"Hahaha. You are really interesting, Jessica-ssi. I hope to see more of you." She said with that radiant smile of hers, as she leaned in and hugged me. Can she smell my sweat? Do I stink? Because surely, she doesn't. She still smells like cinnamon. My favorite- wait. I sound like a creepy stalker right now! Jessica Jung! Get a hold of yourself! I shook my head and shut my eyes tight, then felt her letting go of the hug. Drat.

"Are you okay, Jessica-ssi?" She asked me, her eyes full of concern.

"Ahh- I'm fine Yuri-ssi." 

'Except I'm not. Because you just released your hug-'

"Hmmm. You must be tired, then. You don't seem like you have a fever." She said while placing her hand on my forehead

'Then again, this might be better than the hug.' I smiled at the thought.

Like falling for the wrong person

"Hun! There you are." A masculine voice interrupted the conversation. Yuri quickly retracted her hands as if scalded by fire. As if ashamed being seen with me. Great. Just great.

"Oh, hi Taec." She said as she smiled to him, her eyes twinkling. He meant everything to her, I guess. She was, after all, one of the first few actresses who confirmed dating an actor from another agency. 

He gave her a bottle of evian before taking out a towel and wiping her sweat with it.

"Aigoo, if you don't take care of yourself, you'd get sick." He cooed as he gazed at her with longing eyes.

And then I knew.

 

That he loved her so much.

 

 

Much more than I probably ever could.

 

 

And I couldn't just barge in on their perfect relationship. 

 

 

 

Because he's a man.

 

 

And I'm not.

 

 

 

And what Kwon Yuri needs, I realized, is not clumsy me. 

 

 

 

It's dependable and sweet Taecyeon.

"Did you miss me?" He said as he leaned down and kissed her cheek, earning himself the best smile I ever saw since the start of the day.

 

Better than the one she gave the directors.

 

 

 

 

Better than the one she gave me.

 

 

 

 

But then again, what are we? We barely know each other, heck only I knew her from afar.

 

 

I stood there, not knowing whether to leave or stay. I hate feeling like the third-wheel in a relationship. It eats me up on the inside. His words cut me from my thoughts.

"Oh, you must be the rising actress, Jessica Jung. I'm sorry I hadn't noticed you." He said with a cocky smile as he reached for a handshake.

"Ummm... yeah.. Ok Taecyeon? I have heard a lot about you too." I replied, reaching for his hand. It's rough. What does she see in him? 

"Really? I hope they aren't bad." He said teasingly, his eyes looking at me sharply,scanning me top to bottom. I chose to ignore my gut. 

"They're-they're good really. Mostly compliments from seniors." I managed to choke out. Every conversation with him was like being judged in a courtroom. He continued to glare at me for god knows how long until Yuri interrupted.

"Alright! Umm.. I think Jessica-ssi is really tired. We should get backstage too. See you, Jessica-ssi." She said with a smile before dragging Taecyeon with her.

I continued to walk backstage, greeting seniors here and there, and waving to famliar faces. A lot of things are on my mind. How could I have ever agreed to this production? This is probably one of the few lesbian themed indie movies ever produced. I-i mean, isn't Ahn So hee's 'I like it hot' enough? Why must they make another one? With the growth of a lot of, you know, acceptance for the gay community in South Korea, producers just came barging in with the idea of making these kinds of movies. And I agreed. Because I was lead. And she was, too. But I never expected being with her to hurt more than all those butterflies, and fluttering nonsense.

Small sounds from the backstage room halted me from my tracks. I held my scripts tightly.

"Mmmm.. A-aaahhh... Taec.... not here, babe. T-they might...s-see us..." groans continued to fill the room. It was Yuri. It was her. I bit my lip to contain my jealousy. I shouldn't have seen this.

"How. Many. Times. Do. I. Have. To. Tell. You. Not. To. Flirt. With. People. Behind. My. Back!" Taecyeon snapped as he roughly kissed Yuri in between words. He bit her hardly on the neck, surely wanting to leave a mark, while Yuri has her hand placed on his chest attempting to push him off.

"W-what? A-aaare you talking... urghghg." Incoherent words continued to slip out of Yuri's lips. She was in pleasure yet pushing him at off at the same time. Does she want it? Does she not?

"Oh, don't you play dumb with me, Yuri." Taecyeon said as he cupped her clothed and started to trail his fingers up amd down her thighs.

"W-who? I-i don't ing a-aah know!" Yuri gasped as Taecyeon continued to her.

"Jessica Jung. That newbie." I froze hearing my name. What did I do?

"I know chick's pretty and all, but don't you dare around my back." 

 

 

 

 

Curses. Never-ending, coming from him. 

 

My knees were trembling. It ing hurts seeing them like this; Taecyeon, with lust filled in his eyes.

 

 

And Yuri. Slowly caving in. Slowly succumbing to pleasure. 

 

 

I ran as fast as I could, not minding the pages of the scripts falling, the sound of a slap, the sound of the doors opening, the sound of curses. The sounds of her calling for me. None of that matters. I had to get away. Never had I thought one-sided crushes to end up so painfully. Never had I expected things to turn out this way. She continued to call; I continued to run. 

 

 

 

 

We we're never meant to be. Never after all.

 

 

Like bumping into fate, confusing everything with love

I hadn't noticed my surroundings; I was tired and drained, both physically and mentally. But I continued to run. 

"Owww." I rubbed at the sore spot on my forehead as I collided with a man, causing him to stumble a few steps back. 

"H-hey miss, you alright?" I looked up to meet his gaze. 

Lee Donghae.

"Jessica-ssi!" It's her again. Yuri caught up, and with this man in front of me, there's no way I'd be able to run.

"Any problems, miss?" He whispered, his warm breath fanning against my ear.

Thump........

"Miss?" 

"Jessica-ssi!" Yuri grabbed at my wrist. 

"Excuse me, Donghae-ssi. But I have to talk with this lady over here." Yuri said, a look of urgency in her eyes. She started to drag me with her. I turned around, a pleading look in my eyes. I can't talk with her right now. Not after they caught me peeping on them. I'm not a voyeur, but I might be labelled as one soon, once the rumours start spreading. A hand grabbed Yuri's.

"Well, I'm sorry to spoil your 'appointment,' but Jessica-ssi here is my date for today. You wouldn't want to ruin it for me, do you, Yuri-ssi?" Donghae said, a small smile lacing his lips as he put his arm around my shoulder and dragged me closer to him.

"N-no. Of course not." Yuri said releasing her grip on my wrist. "I'll see you soon, Jessica-ssi. Sometime when you're free. Then, could we talk?" The tone of her speech was pityful, pleading almost, and I just couldn't say no. I managaged a meek nod before seeing her leave with brisk steps.

Turning back to him, I removed his hand from my shoulder with an awkward clearing of throat. From the corner of mg eye, I think I saw him suppress a chuckle.

"So, how did you know my name?"

"Yuri was shouting your name a while ago, remember? Jessica-ssi! Jessica-ssi!" He said in a high-pitched voice. 

"..."

"Hey, you smiled." He started.

"I-i did?" 

"Ummhmm. You're really pretty when you do." He said sheepishly, his ears burning a bright red.

I can already feel the heat creeping up to my cheeks.

"So.. ummm... since I already started with the lie, how about we do it for real?" He said looking up to meet my eyes. And for the first time, I noticed his warm and soulful eyes. 

Thump..........

"Oh, ummm. Ahhhh.... wha-?" Crap! Why did I have to stutter! Stupid, foolish heart! I know he's cute... but..wait he is cute... wait what am I thinking-

"The date. I-i mean, we could go to this place that serves great potato wedges, and pizza, and burgers and milkshakes. They're the best!" He said before looking at the ground and continuing, " b-but I mean, if you're watching your diet and all, there's this Chinese restaurant that-"

"Pizza." I unconsciously replied. "And milkshakes. I love them."

"Really? Let's go! We're going to eat up and get fat!" 

"Yah!"

"Alright, c'mon. Trust me, you'll love this." He said as he held my hand and dragged me outside of the building.

I felt my heart stop beating for a second.

 

His hand felt warm. 

 

 

And I know I'm not really suppossed to fall for two people, at the same time, but I think I already did.

 

 

 

For him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe this is for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe WE are the ones meant to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I smiled at the thought. I can move on from her. I can love again. I'd love him. I'd choose him. 

 

 

 

 

I gave his hand a squeeze as I caught up to him. Now, all I had to do is deal with the extra fat and my lactose intolerance later on.

 

Like surprise meetings and secret glances

I thought that the moment filming was over, we'd be, too. That we'd be strangers, only managing small, awkwards nods when we pass by each other on the hallway. I tried avoiding her, best as I could; I didn't want to talk about that incident. We continued to grow distant. More of her approaching me and me avoiding her. Our conversations ended up only for short greetings. The incident was pushed away. I grew a little closer with Donghae-oppa. My heart still beats for her, but he also made a spot in my heart. And it grows. I looked back on the set. This is the last day of filming. The last day of me and you, Yuri.

 

 

 

But I was wrong.

 

 

 

Photoshoots, modelling, commercials, advertisements, billboards, all wanted us to do it. They wanted us together. They wanted Yulsic. They wanted the change. They wanted the same- relationship played by us.

 

 

 

 

We we're fake enough to be considered real in public.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But we weren't real enough, that we are all fake and awkward with each other.

 

 

 

 

And it hurts. So freaking much. That I couldn't be with her. That I still loved her. That my mind was always filled with thoughts of her. 

 

 

 

 

That I could only watch her from afar.

 

 

When love doesn't find you, you chase after it

 

 6 months. It has already been 6 months since we started working together. More projects have been filling in, that wanted us. We had been the hot item in Korea since the movie. More workshops were given to us. Probably because directors felt we weren't real enough, and didn't want half-assed acting. Contacts with Donghae-oppa became less. I became busier with her. And there, I learned that she was not that bad a person after all. Not the same who gripped my arm backstage. She was warmer, and funnier, and oh, a lot more things. We got closer, as friends, then closer, until skinship was as common as ABC. But God works this way, I guess.

 

He takes you apart with the person you are supposed to love. And keeps you together with someone you can't. 

 

 

 

I always knew that. Knew you were out there, somewhere

"Alright yulsic, pose for a very friendly shot. Hug, kiss each other on the cheeks, just do it. You're used to this anyway." The director mumbled the next sentence as he tried to suppress his chuckle. I felt that he meant something behind that. Shot after shot was taken. And yes, I can say that we've really gotten closer over the past few months of being together. But behind the real me that I show to her, I still had to hide the part about me that she didn't know. That I can't ever tell her.

"Ummhmm... this came out well. Okay then, this last shot would be used for our magazine's cover page." The director stood up, and went over to us.

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