Playlist: Don’t Hate Me –Akdong Musician

                Baekhyun was made to love someone with all his heart and soul. Sometimes, he likes to think the problem lies with all of his ex-boyfriends, but he knows that it’s him. If they were really the problem, he would be the one breaking up with them.

                Baekhyun dated Kyungsoo in middle school. It wasn’t anything serious, but Baekhyun was seriously infatuated with the short, wide eyed boy. Baekhyun didn’t find it strange at all that he would want to join the clubs that Kyungsoo were in (especially since clubs in middle school were jokes). Baekhyun just liked being around Kyungsoo, but it didn’t seem like Kyungsoo felt the same about Baekhyun. That’s why when Kyungsoo decides that he wants to break up with Baekhyun, Baekhyun is only mildly surprised (doesn’t mean Baekhyun didn’t go home crying that day).

                He had dated Yifan sometime during high school. He was his older brother’s friend, and they had hit it off pretty well one day. Yifan went to the university near his high school, so Baekhyun would always head over to the university after his own classes were over. The only times Baekhyun got to see Yifan were on those walks back to his house, and the occasional dates over the weekend. So everyday he walked home with Yifan, he kept it close to his heart.

                At some point, the walks back became less frequent, usually with a quick text sent Baekhyun’s way about spending the day at the library or having to finish some test. The dates on the weekend also started becoming less frequent too, and it started to concern Baekhyun. Occasionally, he’d bring it up when walking home with Yifan, a small, We barely do anything together, and Yifan will give him a small kiss; telling him it was nothing to worry about.

                But it did start to worry him, Yifan seemed to be drifting away, and Baekhyun felt like only he was trying hard in the relationship. It was on a Saturday when they were relaxing in Baekhyun’s living room, watching a movie while cuddling on the couch. Baekhyun was always a talker, and sometimes he wished he wasn’t.

                “Do you sometimes think that we don’t spend enough time together?”

                “I think we do.” Yifan said plainly, and the answer didn’t satisfy Baekhyun.

                “I-I feel like I’m the one that tries harder in this relationship. I mean, every day I’ll go to the university to see you, and sometimes I feel like you don’t want to see me as much?” Baekhyun says timidly.

                “I don’t understand what you mean. I give everything I can being busy with university, and a high school student like you wouldn’t understand.” Yifan puffs out.

                Baekhyun never mentions it again, but he never gets the chance to anyway. Yifan breaks up with him about a week or two later. Citing the reason as: you’re just too clingy sometimes, and I need time to breathe. Baekhyun spends the week crying and wondering if he really is clingy, because any regular person would do the same. Right?

                When Baekhyun reaches college life, he meets Chanyeol. They don’t immediately jump into a relationship, but they are roommates when they meet. They grow close quickly, and it’s not long before they’re drinking together on the couch, and sharing stories of his pasts. Baekhyun is a pathetic drunk, and Chanyeol is more than sympathetic.

                Baekhyun is honestly surprised when Chanyeol asks him out on a date. I mean, Chanyeol knows exactly what kind of person Baekhyun is. Chanyeol knows the in and outs of Baekhyun’s whole dating life, and he voices this. But Chanyeol is adamant on his decision, he says that he can accept that part of Baekhyun, because that’s who he is. Then Chanyeol gives him that cheesy grin that makes Baekhyun’s stomach into a jumbled mess.

                So they date, and it lasts longer that both Yifan’s and Kyungsoo’s relationships combined. It’s almost perfect in Baekhyun’s opinion, and it stays like that until Baekhyun realizes something. Chanyeol is the type of person that just attracts people. Chanyeol is fun and easy going, and Baekhyun is a walking ball of shy when he firsts meets people.

                They go to parties together, but they consist of Chanyeol talking to everyone at the party; Baekhyun sits at one of the couches and watches Chanyeol socialize. Baekhyun never likes to drink much at these parties, but he’d rather drink in the confines of his own dorm with only him and Chanyeol. So Baekhyun’s head is very clear as he watches almost the whole house with Chanyeol (because honestly Chanyeol is probably bi), it makes his blood thinking how Chanyeol doesn’t even notice all these things.

                Chanyeol avoids the discussion just as Yifan did, by kissing Baekhyun until he shuts up.

                Chanyeol keeps going to these parties, and even he’s sick of seeing people throw themselves at Chanyeol. Honestly, he’s not just jealous, but upset that Chanyeol doesn’t even care what it makes Baekhyun feel. Chanyeol doesn’t even notice anymore when he leaves these parties early, when before he would dote Baekhyun with affection. Dote him with, are you okay’s, and, do you feel sick? It pisses him off, and that’s what their last fight is about.

                “You know how hard it is to watch all those girls and guys flirt with you, and you just let it happen? It’s like you forget that I exist, and you don’t even realize that you’re in this relationship. You didn’t even come back to the dorm after the party yesterday!” Baekhyun screams.

                “Baekhyun, you know it’s only for fun. None of it’s serious. I passed out at Luhan’s after going for one more round of drinks with him. I swear Baekhyun, you get jealous about everything, and honestly I’m sick of your attitude. I think we should break up! Actually, I’m breaking up with you Baekhyun!” Chanyeol yells back, and it makes Baekhyun so angry (and heartbroken). He gets up from the bed, and heads to his room that he hasn’t even been in for months now, and slams the door.

                There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester, and Baekhyun is grateful. He doesn’t want to keep rooming with Chanyeol after this, and the unsettling feeling in his stomach. It makes Baekhyun sick to his stomach, because he’s not going to cry while Chanyeol is still there and could hear him (but once the semester is over, nothing stops him from crying on Minseok’s shoulder for hours).

                It’s Baekhyun’s final year in college, and Minseok can’t stand watching Baekhyun run himself the say he is. Minseok notices the way Baekhyun started to throw himself into his work and studies after his break-up with Chanyeol which was probably his worst break-up.

                “I don’t ever want to be in a relationship again. I’ll just mess it up like all my other ones.” Baekhyun states matter of factly, and it makes Minseok cringe a little at how little confidence Baekhyun has in himself.

                “You know, just because some of your relationships went bad, it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to stop searching for that someone.” Minseok feels Baekhyun glare at him.

                “I thought Chanyeol was that someone. He said he could deal with it. He said it was okay. If Chanyeol couldn’t even deal with it, how is anyone else?” Baekhyun buries his head in his multiple textbooks scattered around the table.

                “Just think about your other relationships, and fix the problems from those. We aren’t perfect; all we can do is try.” Minseok tries to give a supportive smile. “If you ever need someone, I know a guy. Whenever you feel ready, I could set something up for you. I promise you’ll like him.”

                But will he like me? Is what Baekhyun thinks.

                Baekhyun is surprised that the date goes as well as it did. Jongdae is very polite, and Baekhyun is swooning, because none of the others ever treated him like that. By the end of the night, they realize they have very similar hobbies, and they even have each other’s numbers. Baekhyun is about to text Jongdae to thank him for the date, but he stops himself before he does it.

                Baekhyun realizes after his talk with Minseok, that maybe he could tone down some of the habits no one ever seemed to like. Baekhyun is determined to not be clingy or jealous all the time. Does it constitute as clingy if he texts Jongdae right now? Baekhyun almost texts him, but decides against it when he thinks that it seems too desperate. His phone vibrates to notify Baekhyun of a message, and he falls asleep with a smile on his face when he sees the message from Jongdae.

                Tonight was fun. Maybe we could do it again sometime? (and by sometime I mean next Tuesday?)

                Baekhyun spots Jongdae on campus with a group of his friends, and he smiles. He wants to wave, but he’d feel bad if he disrupted anything he was doing with his friends. When Jongdae waves at him, Baekhyun smiles as he waves back.

                Even after months of dating, Jongdae can see the way that Baekhyun is hesitant to do anything with Jongdae. Baekhyun hesitates to wrap his fingers around Jongdae’s hand as he nudges their hands together in public. Baekhyun doesn’t do anything unless Jongdae initiates it. When they kiss, he’s as still as a board until Jongdae presses forward.

                Then there are times when they are together that Baekhyun looks like he’s deeply concerned about something, but whenever he asks about it, he’s waved off.

                “It’s nothing important Jongdae,” and Baekhyun will place a hesitant kiss on his lips. Jongdae doesn’t like to make Baekhyun uncomfortable, so he’ll just change the topic anyway.

                “So there’s this party tomorrow, do you wanna come with me?” Sometimes Jongdae thinks that Baekhyun will say yes, but then he’ll bite his lip (which he does a lot when he’s thinking), and say something like.

                “I’ll pass. I mean, parties are meant for you to have fun. I’m not much of a party animal anyway.” And Baekhyun will give some weak chuckle, and smile at Jongdae.

                Sometimes Jongdae thinks that Baekhyun doesn’t want to be with him, but if he didn’t want to be, he’d break up with him. Right?

                Jongdae will always ask Baekhyun where he wants to eat for dates, but Baekhyun will always stay indifferent (even if he really wants meat tonight). Baekhyun is the hyung, and it wouldn’t be fair if he was the selfish one, so Jongdae will always pick.

                During their dates, Baekhyun always make sure he’s in check: not acting too dramatic, not being too annoying, and being a very good listener. Even if Baekhyun wants to give an earful about how much the girl that was next to him during Economics was being completely rude, Jongdae came first.

                Baekhyun had to be the hyung in this relationship, and being a brat was anything but.

                Jongdae is always surprised when he sees Baekhyun with Minseok. Sometimes when he visits the café that Minseok works at, he sees Baekhyun and Minseok talking (Baekhyun spends a lot of time doing homework there). More than often, he’s surprised to see the Baekhyun he sees there, because he’s nothing like the one he goes to see at their apartment every night. This Baekhyun is whiny, and loud, and animated, and everything the Baekhyun at home isn’t. Sometimes Jongdae wonders why Baekhyun always acts so dead around him.

                He’s seen him react with the few other friends Baekhyun has, and he acts the same to all of them. A sort of diva in some sorts, and it’s endearing. It hurts when Jongdae thinks about how uncomfortable Baekhyun must be around him to act like he does. Sometime he thinks about how only he’s treated with this cold Baekhyun.

                And he just wishes he knew Baekhyun’s feelings for him.

                He tells this to Joonmyun one day, and Jongdae always trusts his word, because he’s his hyung and has more experience than him (theoretically).

                “I wish Baekhyun would care more about our relationship. I mean, I always have to seek him out for dates. I have to initiate everything all the time, and sometimes I wish he’d be a little whiny. He acts that way with everyone else but me.” Jongdae pouts out. Joonmyun laughs.

                “That’s not usually what people say about their relationships. People say things like, ‘this person’s too clingy’. ‘why are they so jealous all the time’. I don’t know if Baekhyun really cares about this relationship, but you could see if he gets jealous. If he gets jealous, he must like you a lot right?” Jongdae just rubs his temples.

                “How am I supposed to do that? He’s unfazed about everything. He doesn’t show many emotions besides a few smiles now and then.” Joonmyun ponders on the question before he pipes up.

                “Your birthday is nearing, and maybe we can do a little light touching during the party. I mean, we have been friends since who knows when?” and Jongdae thinks it might just work.

                Baekhyun can’t help avoiding Jongdae whenever he has those ugly feelings. There are times when he sees Jongdae animatedly talking about whatever they talk about, and he feels jealous over that little thing. The feelings last forever, and Baekhyun hates encountering Jongdae when he feels like that. If Jongdae found out he was jealous about those little things like that, he’d be disappointed.

                So it’s been about 4 days of not talking to Jongdae except for the brief, good mornings and goodnights.

                “Hyung, you’re not avoiding me right?” Jongdae asks one morning while Baekhyun is finishing up his coffee.

                “Of course not, I’ve just been busy. I have to get these things done to spend your whole birthday with you right?” and Baekhyun finds it a reasonable enough excuse for the moment. Jongdae thankfully drops the subject, and continues to stab at his eggs.

                There are some nights when Jongdae isn’t back from his night shift at the restaurant he works at, and Baekhyun feels lonely. He brought some of it upon himself, because he could always just spend more time with Jongdae. Baekhyun is just so afraid of Jongdae thinking of him as too clingy. He has to be the perfect boyfriend Jongdae. Listening when he wants to be listened to, letting him do the things he wants, and not getting upset with a little touching, because it’s normal. It’s just hard to force him to be something he’s not, but he can do it for Jongdae. Anything for Jongdae.

                It’s Jongdae’s birthday. They’re having a party at the café Minseok works at, and everyone is happy, and everything is fun. But Baekhyun can’t be happy as he sees Joonmyun touching his boyfriend, whispering in his ear, and playfully tugging at his arm. Baekhyun knows there only friends. Baekhyun knows he’s being unreasonable, and there is nothing going on between Joonmyun and Jongdae.

                But it still hurts to watch Joonmyun playing with Jongdae, and he watches from seats away from him. He doesn’t even know how he got so far away from sitting from Jongdae. For goodness sake, he’s his damn boyfriend, and he should be sitting right next to Jongdae. But one thing led to another, and Jongdae is sitting in between Joonmyun and his parents. He couldn’t deny Jongdae if he wanted to sit next to his parents and Joonmyun.

                Baekhyun gets knows the feeling he’s getting all too well as his heart pulls in different directions, and Baekhyun hopes, urges, his heart to stop until at least after dinner. Then, he can go lock himself in his room and let it calm down, but his heart won’t stop, and it hurts. Baekhyun is surprised he even makes it to the entrees coming out before he excuses himself to leave.

                “I’m just feeling a little sick.” Baekhyun says while slipping a happy birthday and giving Jongdae the best smile he can manage. At least, he’s not lying when he says he’s feeling sick. He rushes back to the apartment before the feeling of wanting to throw up overwhelms him.

                Baekhyun is lying in his bed, sobbing as the warriors of his brain try to fight off the monsters of his heart. He has to push these feelings of hate and jealousy away before Jongdae comes back to the apartment, so he can spend the rest of his birthday together. He has to put it away before Jongdae comes back or else he’ll be disgusted.

                Baekhyun is so afraid, so afraid that Jongdae will see this, and he’ll immediately hate Baekhyun. He really wants to be the perfect person for Jongdae, and Baekhyun laughs bitterly as he remembers Minseok’s words. We aren’t perfect; all we can do is try. Baekhyun cries more, because he has tried, tried so hard, but it’s not enough, and Jongdae just deserves more.

                Jongdae feels a little disappointed when Baekhyun leaves the party with a smile on his face, because the plan didn’t work. Joonmyun gives him a sympathetic smile, but he feels like crap as he finishes the rest of the dinner with everyone. This was the only thing planned with everyone, because they thought him and Baekhyun would want to spend time with each other after, but he’s not sure Baekhyun even wants to.

                He drags his feet back to the apartment, because his boyfriend is sick, and he should still check up on him. Even if Baekhyun didn’t want to be checked on, Jongdae still worries about him. So when he walks into the door of their apartment and hears tiny sobs coming from Baekhyun’s bedroom. He quietly makes his way to the door of his bedroom.

                It breaks his heart to hear Baekhyun crying, and Jongdae is frozen in place, because he’s never seen Baekhyun cry. He’s never seen Baekhyun this vulnerable. He crawls into the spot next to Baekhyun and hugs him tightly. Baekhyun starts resisting, and it hurts Jongdae to know that Baekhyun doesn’t even want his comfort.

                “Don’t touch me, I’m disgusting.” Baekhyun yells between his sobs and thrashing around. Jongdae just at Baekhyun’s hair and hugs tighter. The yells slowly start to diminish as all is left is little sniffles.

                “Tell me what’s wrong Baekhyun.” Baekhyun stays silent, so Jongdae keeps talking.

                “Sometimes, I wonder what’s wrong with me. I wonder if you even like me.” Baekhyun looks ready to dispute, but Jongdae continues.

                “Something must be wrong with me, but it hurts when you avoid me for days, and then act like it’s nothing. It hurts when you’re hesitant in your actions. It hurts when you don’t even talk about what you want. It hurts to see you act like a completely different person to me compared to someone like Minseok.” Jongdae waits, because he wants to hear what Baekhyun says.

                “I-I. I want to, but I can’t.” he whispers.

                “Can’t what?”

                “Nothing is wrong with you. It’s only me.” Jongdae doesn’t believe Baekhyun a bit, because something must be wrong with him.

                “I’m afraid. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me once you know how I really am.” Jongdae keeps his hair, hoping to coax his hyung to say more, because he’s never heard him say things he thought about.

                “I avoid you, because I’m afraid. I’m afraid once you realize how clingy, jealous, and a brat I am, you’ll leave. You’ll leave like the rest of them.” And Baekhyun’s sob pick up again.

                “You know hyung. Sometimes, I think that you don’t even love me.” Jongdae bitterly says.

                “N-no. No Jongdae. I love you so much, but you can’t possibly love me. You don’t even know how I am inside, you can’t love me.”

                “I may be an insecure teenage girl, but sometimes I wish I could see you more jealous and clingy. I wish you were more of a brat, because I can see how you don’t like to be the hyung. I want to take care of you hyung. I don’t know how you’re other relationships were like, but I’m pretty sure I love you more than all of them combined.” Jongdae kisses his forehead. “I just need you to believe in me.”

                “So you won’t leave?” Baekhyun looks up with sad puppy eyes, and Jongdae gives him another kiss on his head.

                “Of course not. Now let’s sleep.” And Jongdae lies in bed until he hears Baekhyun’s breathing even out before falling asleep himself.

                “Couldn’t Joonmyun tone down his touching like a little. Or a lot?” Baekhyun whines. Jongdae just chuckles, because whiny Baekhyun takes a little time to adjust to, but he prefers it like this.

                “I’ll talk to him hyung. Where do you want to eat today?” Jongdae asks.

                “As long as you’re next to me, I don’t care where we eat.” Baekhyun cheesily smiles, and he playfully hits his shoulder. “But samgyeopsal sounds good too.”

A/N

I never know how to end these kind of fics, but hopefully you guys like it. I swear that I had more depth in this story, but I just couldn't translate it into my writing, but it was still fun to write about it. I'm up for ideas to write about, because I'd really like to become a better writer. Umm.. awkward hugs from your author.

Love, Evee (>^-^)>