“And then, Yesung, that jerk, goes, ‘Well, Ryeowookie, I could tutor you in private. You’ll pass for sure that way.’ All the people at our table laughed and he blew a kiss at me. It was gross.”

“Isn’t he a gentleman? Kyuhyun’s never said anything like that to me. But then again, Kyuhyun’s kinda creepy and doesn’t talk to me. I think I should tell my brothers to beat him up. Or at least scare him. The stalking is getting a little weird now.”

“It was weird from the day it started in fifth grade. That was five years ago. Maybe it’s about time you did. But seriously, I can’t step into Health class after today. As if public humiliation weren’t enough, I’ll fail that test. It’s a ! Why must they make it so complicated?”

“They’re fascist bastards? I have no idea. I think… I think if we seen a real one, it might make it easier – y’know? Eventually we’re going to – like when we have …”

“Lee Sungmin!”

“What? Do you plan on being a when you’re fifty? I don’t.”

“I’m fifteen; I’ve got time.”

“See, you think that! But what if you don’t? What if you get hit by a car and die tomorrow? I’ll be assed out a best friend and you’ll go to heaven with a ripe cherry.”

“Where do you learn these things?”

“Is that really important? The point is we know nothing. Not a damn thing. How are we ever supposed to move on and fulfill our ual needs when our knowledge is limited to Mr. Song’s awkwardly described pictures and ‘educational’ videos that explain as literally the birds and the bees?”

“Who says I want to move on?”

“You like Yesung. And that’s why you were embarrassed. Don’t give me that look. I know you better than you know yourself, Kim Ryeowook.”

“Fine. Okay. Maybe I do. But how do you, my dear best friend, propose we find this grand knowledge? Your brothers?”

“Dear God, no. I’d never be allowed to leave the house if Hyukjae and Donghae had their way.”

“Then?”

“I don’t know. But I know I’ve never seen one. Have you?”

“Of course I haven’t!”

“Oh.”

“You’re disappointed?”

“Not really, I figured as much. We need to see one then.”

“Because it’s so easy.”

“We have to find someone we can trust. Is Kibum ho-”

“You are not looking at my little brother’s , Sungmin!”

“It was just a thought. Okay, siblings out. That would probably require years of psychiatric bills. But, I don’t know any boys who would willingly participate in this, erm, quest to learn.”

“Don’t look at me, I talk to the same people you do. We could use Kyuhyun.”

“No, no, no!”

“Why not? He’d do anything you tell him too.”

“That’s taking advantage of him. I’m somewhat comfortable with our arrangement. He stares at me; I try to pretend he doesn’t exist. But just so you know, if I ever end up in pieces scattered in the woods, he did it.”

“How can you joke about things like that? That’s not even funny.”

“I want to be sure someone can see that justice is served. Anyway, back to the situation at hand. We have to find a boy. Or at least see a real one.”

“Easier said than done. We’ve ruled out family members. Yesung. Kyuhyun. What about Shindong?”

“I’m appalled, Ryeowook! That’s like, geez, that is nasty! Go wash your mouth out right this second!”

“What? I’m sorry. Stop pushing me! Okay, I’m going.”

ㅎㅎㅎ

“Your face isn’t wet.”

“Kangin’s taking a shower. Why are you… what? Stop looking at me like that. You scare me when you do that.”

“Which bathroom?”

“The one down the hall. You know my mom gets all prissy when we use hers.”

“The one with the broken lock?”

“Yes… I don’t like it when you think. Please stop.”

“Kangin is in the shower at the end of the hall. Kangin is in the bathroom that has a broken lock.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Kangin is in a room with a broken door!”

“Ew!”

“Just a quick peek and then we’re outta there. I think he might be a perfect specimen. He’ll never know.”

“He’s my father, Sungmin!”

“Step-father. Technically not family.”

“I don’t even have a response to that.”

“It’s perfect!”

“No, it’s not. He’s married to my mother!”

“I know but you can’t deny he fills in a pair of jeans. I swear, I’ve never stared at him before, but it’s kinda there.”

“Sungmin… you’re… you… at church on Sunday, I’ll ask Father Siwon to pray extra hard for your soul.”

“Oh come on, you must have thought about it. At least once?”

“I repeat: he’s married to my mother.”

“I know! Gah, how does your mom take it? Like I’m not even kidding, he must be packing some heavy equipment. Heechul’s always smiling and she’s been way nice since she married him. Maybe it’s true what they say…”

“What do they say?”

“Bigger is better.”

“You’ve been hanging about with your brother too much, you disgusting ert.”

“Hey! Leave Hyukjae out of this. Ryeowook, I’m not a ert. I’m just curious.”

“Curiosity killed the cat.”

“Well, I have nine lives. Let’s go.”

“What if we get caught?”

“Who’s going to catch us?”

“Kibum? My mom? Kangin!”

“We just have to be super quiet. Open the door.”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“It’s your house.”

“It’s your idea.”

“I don’t know how to open the lock.”

“Ugh, I hate you sometimes.”

“Same here. Hurry it up.”

“There.”

ㅎㅎㅎ

“Why did I let you talk me into that?”

“You were the one who said, ‘he’s taking a shower, we can take a peek.’”

“You’re such a liar. I never said that. Ohmigod, my eyes. Sungmin, I can’t… I don’t even…”

“That thing… that must hurt. It was huge. And red. And… and…”

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“It’s like embedded in my memory. I can’t erase it. It scares me!”

“I live with him, Sungmin. Care about me here! I’m traumatized.”

“I think I understand now.”

“Understand what? I’m still trying not to empty my stomach here.”

“Lesbians. I get it.”

“Shut up, Sungmin.”

ㅎㅎㅎ

“So?”

“I failed.”

“I figured as much. What’s on your hand?”

“Yesung’s phone number. I’m taking the private lessons. Did you pass?”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“Kyuhyun came over last night.”