Junhong watched with sad eye's as he watched Yongguk slide out of bed. His alarm was blaring loudly – echoing off the walls and making a horrible – ear aching sound. But he didn't touch it. He let it go off as he stood there, not fully awake yet.

“Junhong are you – “ He stopped, and the teen had gotten so excited for a second, but he watched with leaky eye's as the elder covered his face with his hands and sighed loudly. “...Right,” he muttered and Junhong followed him into the bathroom. He watched as Yongguk washed his face and stared at his reflection.

“You look so tired,” he tried to tell him, but the other showed no sign of knowing what he said, of hearing him.

He never did. Not since –

Yongguk walked out of the bathroom and into the living room. He stepped over the jacket left on the floor, his jacket. It's been there for about a month and Yongguk hadn't picked it up – he had told Junhong not to leave a mess. He just leaves it there. Junhong had tried to pick it up once; but he couldn't get a good grasp on it. It frustrated him.

His hyung made his way into the kitchen, and reached into the fridge. Junhong swallowed thickly. This was how he started all his mornings as of late. He'd grab a beer, down it quickly – and stand there for ten minutes before grabbing another.

It was a cycle that Junhong wanted to break.

But he couldn't. Yongguk wouldn't listen.

“Why don't you go visit Himchannie hyung?” He tried, “He seemed worried about you; when he came to see you a couple day's ago. You didn't have to yell at him hyung – he just wants to you to … smile again. So do I. I miss your smile.”

But Yongguk didn't answer him – he tossed the beer bottle in the trash, and made his way into the living room where he flopped onto the couch. Junhong watched as Yongguk stared at a notebook on the coffee table – it was Junhong's notebook. The notebook that he would write little poem's or lyrics in for Yongguk to read. Inside it were thoughts and wishes – all things that Junhong felt for his hyung. The other had been staring at it for day's now, not once touching it and Junhong thinks that's because he knew what was inside.

Why wouldn't he open it?

Junhong moved and sat next to the couch, his lead leaning against the leather. “Maybe you should read it, hyung.” he muttered, smiling a bit.

“If you read it, maybe you'll finally hear me?”

It was all wishful thinking on Junhong's part.

He sat there watching Yongguk stare at the notebook – before finally, the elder reached for it. He held it in his hands for a long moment and Junhong held his breath.

He turned the first page.

“... Hyung,” He read out loud. Junhong sat back and bit his lip. Feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Y-You're smile – it reminds me of a sun that never sets; a sun that brings hope for a better day. Don't stop smiling.”

Another page was turned.

“Sometimes I feel like I should be the one thanking you – not the other way around silly; you're the one who's shown me the world. What have I done fo... for you?” Yongguk let out a bitter laugh, and Junhong noticed his eyes were becoming wet.

“No, hyung don't cry – don-t – “

“Sometimes I wish I was the older one so I could hold you in my arms and tell you it's okay. Like you do for me.”

“You're smiling again today. I'm glad. “

“I hate when you leave for work because I'm alone, I don't like being alone.”

Junhong noticed by the time Yongguk had gotten to the third page he was crying, his voice was wavering and he was jumbling over the words. He wished he could hold him, just like he wrote – and tell him it was okay. But; Junhong realized he'd never get a chance to do so –

“Hyung today you told me you loved me, i-it made...me so happy and I said it back right away. Y-You laughed! You said I was cute and I remember feeling embarrassed; why do you always make me feel embarrassed?”
 

“I love you.”

Junhong stood up and knew he was crying too, “Hyung stop reading, it's hurting you isn't it? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”

“Jongup told me that Himchan...” Yongguk stopped reading and Junhong closed his eyes. He hated this entry.

“...Jongup told me that Himchan and Yongguk used to be together. “ Yongguk read, voice low. “He told me that you loved him once – but you stopped.... was it because of me?”

“Hyung you don't have to answer, it's okay – it's – “

“Yes.”

Junhong stopped.

What?

“Yes, Junhong yes – because of you. Because I met you – I stopped loving Himchan.” he trailed off in a whisper. “I never really loved him like that – anyway. He's my best friend ya know? But he just wanted … someone to... but I met you that day walking home. You were so short back then, shorter anyway. So cute with your chubby cheeks and curly hair and scratched up knee's. It was wrong but I loved it – loved you. Wanted you.”

Junhong tried to reach forward, to wipe Yongguk's tears.

He couldn't.

“... Junhong, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there!”

The notebook fell to the floor and Yongguk covered his face with his hands, “I wasn't there for you – I told you; ' I'll meet you at the train station, don't worry. I'll be there.' I had told you – I know I told you... but dammit – !” he let out a groan of pain and Junhong tried not to cry too much – he wanted to tell Yongguk it was okay, that he couldn't have stopped it from happening.

“If I had known; known it was going to rain that day, that the platform was slippery … I would have warned you.”

“It was my fault hyung, I wasn't paying attention – don't , don't blame yourself.”

“You wouldn't have fallen, you wouldn't have been stuck on the tracks – god... were you afraid? You must have been so ing afraid when that train came toward you...” he sobbed. Junhong nodded, he was afraid. He was so afraid.

But not only because of the train.

“I was afraid of loosing you. “

Junhong didn't care if Yongguk wouldn't feel him. He wrapped his arms around the elder and held him, held him as tight as he could. Yongguk just continued crying and mumbling broken words and Junhong held him until he passed out from exhaustion.

He bit his lip and leaned down to kiss Yongguk's cheek.

“I'm sorry for leaving you alone, Yongguk hyung.”

Junhong couldn't take away Yongguk's pain, or make him smile that smile again. Because Junhong was dead. He died a month ago in a train accident. Having slipped and fallen onto the tracks and getting himself stuck.

He died on impact – Yongguk had to watch as he was buried six feet and live with going home to an empty house that smelled like Junhong, that held Junhong's things and reminded Yongguk everyday that Junhong wasn't there anymore.

But he was there.

Just not all the way there.