Your Friend, Byun Baekhyun.

Dear Jongdae,

I don’t have any right, don’t I? So yeah, I’ll just stop talking.

But this doesn’t really mean I’m talking since I’m writing it, right? But you’re not here, and I don’t think you’re going to read this, or I’m going to send this for you to read (not that you’ll read it anyway, of course), so I’m going to continue writing, because that’s all I can do now.

Where should I begin?

Should I begin on the day when we first met, rather when I first caught a glimpse of you and fell in love with you? That sounds stupid. We both know I didn’t fall in love at first sight for you. We don’t believe in that ridiculous love at first sight stuff. So, I shall begin on that day when I first saw you and I didn’t fall in love with you, I didn’t realize you are the person I’ve always been looking for, waiting for, and I didn’t know I want you to be the person I want to spend my whole life with.

I saw you and my whole world stops.

That’s right. I saw you and my whole world stops. How does that sounds? I know, it sounds pathetic, because I only saw you for the first time in my entire life and whole world stops but that’s the truth. I can’t lie to myself anymore, can I? And even though it that you didn’t even look at me, you didn’t even acknowledge my presence because hey, I’m your new classmate, I didn’t think about that because I can only think about you.

I didn’t know anything about you. You never gave me the chance to know. You were distant but I knew you were in love with someone else. I saw it in your eyes because whenever I look in the mirror, I would also see it in mine.

Things got better (or did it?) when we were assigned partners.

I could talk to you without asking for a piece of paper or without borrowing an eraser. I could look at you without pretending to be looking for my friends. I could approach you without tripping my foot on my own so you’ll offer me your hand. I could be with you and it made me happy, because you know what, during those days, you were the only person who could make me the happiest. Marshmallows still did, books still did, and my dog still did, but you were the best. When marshmallows, books and even my puppy couldn’t, you still did.

I didn’t expect it and I didn’t see it coming, but I became your friend.

You would tell me things you wouldn’t tell just somebody, because I was your friend. You would tell me about things that you love, no matter how other people would not understand it, like drawing (Your parents think it’s a lame hobby, a waste of time.) or walking (Your friends think it’s stupid to walk when you can ride a cab or a bus.), and you would tell me about things that scare you, even though other people would not care about it, like octopus (You ate a live octopus in a Japanese restaurant when you were young because your older siblings made you to, and you almost died because it got stuck on your throat, still moving, still alive.).

You would tell me about your night when we see each other in the morning. You would tell me about your day when we call each other in the evening. You would tell me about your parents, your siblings, and the beautiful tree you saw in the park and how you drew it in a shot. You would tell me about your life and soon, I found myself listening to you telling me about her.

I should have distanced myself already. I should have seen it coming. Because I was your friend, wasn’t I? I should have expected it. I should have even assumed it. But I was like a silly moth caught in the beautiful glow of the dangerous lamp. I was enthralled in you and so I couldn’t get away. I was fascinated by you, captivated and it was like a spell. Even your voice enticed me and your fingers tempted me. I was in love with you.

Days passed, and I found myself talking to you about her.

Months passed, and I found myself talking about you and her.

Years passed, and I found myself face to face with you, with her, in front of my place, hand in hand and looking extremely delighted. You still looked as handsome as ever, and she, from the last time I saw her, still looked as pretty as she was when we were in college.

The visit was totally unexpected. I wasn’t supposed to see you, or her, but you took a step and pulled me into a hug. I took it, because I couldn’t resist you still, not yet. I saw her smiling up at us, embracing each other so tightly, like she knew exactly what was going on, like she was about to give up their feelings, her feelings for him, for us.

But that wasn’t what happened, right? Of course, you knew. You were there. You were the main character.

I asked you what’s up.

You laughed and asked if I could invite you inside first.

I nodded and let you in.

I shouldn’t have. I should have slammed the door on your faces and asked you to leave. I should never have answered the door in the first place, knowing you were the ones outside. I should never have talked to you, should never have befriended you, and should never have fallen in love with you!

You were getting married. You were going to marry her and you were asking if I could be your best man. The invitation was also lying on my center table, beautiful in crisp white and accentuated in blue details, your favorite color and her favorite color. I could already tell that the wedding’s motif will be blue. It was on my table and you were sitting across me. You were holding her hands tightly.

I smiled and told you of course because who else would be your best man.

Your wedding will be tomorrow.

I slowly casted a tired glance on the suit I bought earlier this morning, hanged on my closet. Pathetic I am, right?

-

“Baek!” Jongdae calls to me.

He is already wearing his wedding suit and he looks exceptionally handsome, even more handsome that in any moment I had seen him. It’s still half an hour before the wedding and I haven’t seen his wife-to-be.

“Hello, Jongdae,” I greet him, and he pulled me into a hug.

“I can’t believe I’m marrying her, Baek!” Jongdae giddily tells me, tightening the hug.

“I can’t believe someone’s marrying you,” I laugh, and is the one who pulled away first, because if I won’t, I might not be able to hold it. I might not be able to stop myself and I might ruin his happiness. I can’t do that to him, can I?

Jongdae laughs easily, gesturing me to follow him. “Come on, Baek.”

I let him lead me because this will be the last time.

I let him smile to me and talk to me, because I am his best friend and I am his best man, because this will the last time.

I let myself fall in love with him because this will be the last time.

The wedding is, like any other weddings, full of ceremony. I’m not particularly interested in anything but Jongdae. I will do my duties as his best friend, as his best man. I will smile and talk to people he introduced me to. I will tell embarrassing stories of Jongdae and laugh about it. I will drink wine and eat confectionaries with our other friends.

Then, the wedding is over.

“Baek.” I see Jongdae walking towards me, with her. There are only a few people and most of the guests have left home. I think I am the last of the guests to go. I really don’t want to talk to him, or her, anymore before going home but Jongdae catches on me.

“What’s up?”

“Thank you,” Jongdae tells me, grinning. “You’re the best, Baek!”

He pulls me again to hug me and even though I said that the one we had that morning would be the last, I couldn’t stop it. I hugged him back like my life depends on it and pulled away, feeling my legs weakening, knowing my heart is breaking.

I grin back at him and answers, “I know. Good luck, you two!”

-

How are you?

I heard you have twins now. What are their names? I’m sorry I couldn’t answer when you called me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be their godfather like you wanted me to. You’ve always wanted me to be a part of your life, but I’m really sorry. I couldn’t only be a part of yours when I wanted you to be mine.

Apparently, hearts don’t heal that easily, you see.

London is beautiful, but not as beautiful as Seoul, but only when I think of you, because I remember than you’re not here and you’re not with me. Anywhere is more beautiful if you’re there, with me. But still, it’s beautiful here. There are no octopuses here, only French breads and macaroons. They’re delicious.

After your wedding, I flew here.

I’m sorry. I know you tried getting in touch with me but I can’t move on if you’re always there. I can’t move on if you’re always constantly there to remind me why I fell in love with you on the first place. I know you’re happy now and there’s no space for my pain inside your heart, that’s why I’m trying to deal with this alone. Because like I said, I don’t have any right in the first place, do I? I don’t have the right to be mad, or even to be sad, because at the end of the day, I was only your best friend.

You didn’t make me fall in love with you. I did.

You didn’t make me fall in love with you even though you were telling me you’re in love with her. I did.

You didn’t make me fall in love with you even though you were inviting me to be your best man on your wedding. I did.

So, it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault.

That’s why I know I have to deal with this myself and maybe, someday, I will be over this and I can face you again, and smile to you again, and accept your hug genuinely, without bitterness while thinking that once in my life, I hoped that you were the one I share my life with, and I wished that you could be the one I die with, and I prayed that you’re the one I build my home with.

I want those thoughts to be happy thoughts, of what I was before because of you.

I was happy, regardless of what I felt about you, what you felt about her, and what has happened. I was happy.

This letter will not reach you, like the one I wrote the night before your wedding. I may be writing this for my own satisfaction only, but in words (because I know I shouldn’t be saying it anymore), for the last time, let me tell you this.

I miss you.

I love you.

Love,

Your friend,

Byun Baekhyun

End

A/N:

I'm getting fond of writing in letters.

It's BaekChen angst again. I wonder when I'll be able to write BaekChen fluff or romance without angst. >_<

Do tell me what you think about it! ^^ - Elle