August 2003

Summer break is unfortunately over and today is the first day of my life as a senior in high school. Nothing is different, it's a silent morning on the train to school. It's still around 6:45am and the train is mostly empty. As I'm patiently waiting to arrive to school, I put on my headphones and begin listening to upbeat music so I don't fall asleep and miss my stop. I lean my head back, close my eyes and begin to hum along silently.

A couple of minutes later, the train stops once again to load and unload some passengers. For some unknown reason I open my eyes and see a really handsome guy taking a seat across me. 

He puts his backpack on his lap while looking at something on his phone. I can't help staring at him, he is simply perfect. I've never seen him on this train before, I'm sure of it, I would've noticed him for sure.

I try to stop staring but my eyes keep on wandering around until they find a way back to his face. I want to talk to him. There's just something about him that calls me. Something that makes my heart flutter lightly. That's enough to make me look at the empty seat next to him longingly and shift in my own several times, holding myself back from discretely changing seats.

While staring at him, I imagine myself trying to talking to him, but then he would probably turn away and ignore me. I mean, I don't even know what I would say and plus, why would he want to talk to a stranger? It's not like I'm something special. I'm not smart, I'm not funny and according to the people in my class I'm not anywhere near handsome. Apparently not having muscled arms or a six pack, wearing jeans with nerdy sweaters and converse, combing my gelled hair to the side, and wearing thick rimmed glasses is not something that anyones' ideal type should be wearing.

Thinking about that just made me realize I don't stand a chance with that handsome boy across me. That and also the fact that the boy is wearing the uniform of a very prestigious private high school while I'm in a common public school. I feel my heart sink at the thought and my once normal morning turns blue. I look down and lose myself in my negative thoughts once more until I finally arrive at my stop. I don't dare to look at the boy, knowing that it will do me no good.

The school day flies by, and before I know it, I'm once again waiting for the train that will now take me back home. As soon as the train arrives, I begin looking for an empty seat only to realize that there's an empty seat right across the same handsome boy I first saw this morning. I took a deep breath and sat down. With the same dark thoughts from this morning I decided it was best to avoid looking his way and focus on unwrapping my sandwich. Since it takes an hour to get back home, I always make sure to take extra food with me in case I get hungry. 

About 45 minutes later we arrived at his stop. I kept on looking at the floor and saw his feet as he walked by me. By the time he got to the door, I looked up to catch one last glimpse of him before we departed. Once he was out of sight, I just closed my eyes and waited for my stop.

Finally, I arrived home after a boring first day of school. As soon as I crossed the front door, my mom decided to bombard me with questions of how my day was and if I made any new friends. It wasn't something new, she asked me that almost every day with the hopes of me saying yes. It wasn't a big secret that I was a loner at school, it was obvious even to my mom since I never invited a friend over or went out with anyone. She knew I had a hard time socializing with people. 

After eating I headed up to my room and took out my laptop to entertain myself for the afternoon. When I finally decided it was time to go to bed, I changed into my warm pajamas and climbed under the covers. 

While waiting for sleep to overcome me, I unconsciously started thinking of him again. Does he have a girlfriend or a boyfriend? It's obvious he's rich, so why did he take the train? Did he notice me? 

Soon I felt myself drifting to sleep. That night was the first of many nights in which I would dream of him.

For the rest of the week nothing changed. I got up, took the train and saw him every morning. Then after school I'd ride the train again with him sitting across from me, arrived home and dreamt of him every night. 

I thought I'd soon get over this feeling I had every time I saw him, but instead it only grew.

One chilly morning, towards the middle of October, as we were both on our way to school, I looked up just in time to see him turn his head and yawn, his breath fogging up the glass a little. He had his back to the early sun, and it made it seem as if he was softly glowing. It was a sight of pure beauty and perfection. It was impossible for me not to stare in awe at such a breathtaking sight. He looked so handsome, too handsome for him to be real and sitting across from me. Suddenly, as I was openly admiring him, he looked up and our eyes met.

I froze and I felt how my heart skipped a beat. It took me a second before I managed to close my eyes. He looked at me! Those deep brown eyes looked at me and I felt how I got lost in them. I shivered remembering his deep, penetrating eyes.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes to see if he was still looking at me. Unfortunately, he had already looked away. Of course he would, I'm not good looking enough for him to stare at for too long. The thought depressed me, but it was true. I felt another shiver go down my spine again and decided to focus on the music I was listening to instead of the tingly feeling in me. 

That was the day I accepted to myself that I really liked him. Him, a still nameless boy who I knew nothing about. Him, my handsome train boy crush.

That afternoon when I arrived home, my mom once again asked me how my day was and if I'd made any new friends. I hesitated whether or not to tell her about that handsome boy. I didn't want to get her hopes up, but I felt that maybe she could tell me something that would give me enough courage to approach him.

This time instead of giving her an annoyed 'no', I took a deep breath to calm myself before telling her about him, the boy I see on the train every day.

I was right when I guessed she'd get her hopes up. As soon as I told her my situation, she started asking me about how he looks and when she was going to meet him. I face palmed myself because I can't even talk to him and she's almost asking me where we are going to live and when our wedding date is. Psh, I don't even know if he's gay yet.

When she finally stopped spazzing over the idea of me liking someone, she giggled softly and I couldn't help but blush a deep crimson red, feeling a little embarrassed. I can't believe I just told my mom about my first real crush! 

While eating supper, she kept on giving me advice on how to approach him and what I could say to begin a small conversation. After finishing our meal, I thanked my mom and excused myself to do my homework. 

I couldn't concentrate. I kept on thinking how to approach him so I could at least find out his name. After an hour of trying to focus on my math homework, I decided to give up and just sleep it off until tomorrow.

The next morning, with a clear mind and reenergized body, I got up determined to find out his name.

There's nothing wrong with asking his name, I mean, we do ride the same train every day so it would be natural for me to be curious about it. With that goal in mind, I left for school.

Sadly, by the time he got on the train, I had lost all my courage. I didn't even dare to look at him and so my daily routine continued undisturbed.

More than a month passed and I still had not approached him, but it seemed today was my lucky day. 

It was the first week of December. We were both already on the train that would take us back home when his phone suddenly rang. It was then that, for the first time, I heard his name.

"Hello? Yes, this is Siwon speaking..."

Siwon... My crush's name is Siwon. Finally, after wondering what his name was for weeks, I have finally figured it out! Well, not exactly figured it out, but more like overheard...it doesn't even matter, the point is I finally have a name to go with his handsome face.

The next couple of minutes I spaced out, thrilled of having learned his name after so much time. I was so lost in my own little world that I didn't notice we had reached his stop until I saw him gathering his things and rushing off the train.

Before I knew, it was already March and spring was just around the corner. It was March 11th, 2004 to be exact, and I had a feeling that today was going to be an important day.

Since the day I learned Siwon's name, I began to put a little more effort into dressing a little nicer just in case he actually noticed me. My mom even went to the extreme of taking me shopping, saying it was worth it if that's what it took for me to find a little happiness. I was so thankful for her support.

So for today, I decided to wear some dark blue skinny jeans with a light brown sweater and my black converse. As soon as I deemed myself ready, I grabbed my stuff and left my house, yelling goodbye to my mom.

After boarding the train and waiting patiently for about 10 minutes, Siwon finally boarded the train as well and took a seat across from me once again. I couldn't help but stare at him in astonishment, I was probably drooling for all I knew. He most likely had a presentation or something important at school today because, for the first time, I saw him wearing something that wasn't his school uniform, and he looked absolutely gorgeous. He was wearing black slacks with a white button-up shirt and elegant black shoes. 

I know I was being obvious while staring at him, but I just couldn't help it. Apparently, he realized this too when he caught me staring, but instead of just looking away, he smiled at me. I felt how my breath was cut short, but I somehow managed to get a strangled word out. Or more exactly, a name.

"S-Siwon-shi..."

I saw his face show a surprised expression which then changed to a confused one, it was then that I realized what I had just said and covered my face with my hands.

Oh my god, I'm so stupid! He probably thinks I'm stupid! We don't even talk or know each other and I'm calling him by his name, he must think I'm a stalker or something now! I just wished the ground would open up and swallow me up to avoid this embarrassing moment.

I looked at him again, hoping that he would be looking somewhere else, but I was surprised when I saw him gathering his things and moving to sit on the seat besides mine.

"Um, do we know each other?" he asked, still looking a little confused.

"U-uh...no?" I stuttered nervously and looked down, trying to cover my blush. 

"Oh! So how do you know my name? And since you already know mine, can you tell me what your name is?" I looked up to see him smiling brightly and saw his eyebrows gave his expression a somewhat funny look, so I couldn't help but giggle. 

I then cleared my voice and answered shyly, "My name is Kyuhyun and I once overheard it while you were on the phone..." then I rushed to give my explanation, "I didn't mean to listen to your conversation! I usually don't do that but you were talking loudly and I couldn't help but hear it and-and I'm really sorry!" I closed my eyes tightly, afraid of his reaction, but all I heard were his chuckles and I felt a pat on my head. I looked up and smiled at him.

"You're cute when you're being shy." he said, immediately making me blush more.

And so our conversation continued. He turned out to be a complete gentleman who couldn't lose the opportunity to make a cheesy comment and make me blush. While talking to him, he told me that the first day he took this train was because his car was broken and while waiting to arrive to his destination, his eyes had caught sight of a beautiful but sad boy. That was the reason why he decided to take the train the next day and then the next. But apparently, he didn't approach him because it seemed like the boy was avoiding even looking at him. Then he said that I was that boy.

I couldn't believe it, all this time he had been wanting to approach me like I had been wanting to approach him. I felt like a complete fool knowing that I was afraid for nothing all this time. At the same time, I was so happy! I knew something big would happen today but I just didn't know it would be this, and for the first time ever, I allowed myself to talk and be myself with someone...with him.

Unconsciously, I looked at his watch and saw it was 7:35am, we still had fifteen more minutes until we arrive at my stop. I then looked up at him and saw that he was intently staring at something. I followed his gaze and saw that he was looking at my hand. He then slowly grabbed it with his and looked at me, smiling softly. I smiled back and managed to find enough courage to intertwine our fingers before looking away shyly. I could feel his thumb rubbing the back of my hand softly and I looked at him, gaining a bit of more confidence. I looked into his eyes and drowned in them, I felt my heartbeat quicken, and even though we had just begun talking today, the look in his eyes told me to not be afraid, that this was something that would last. My smile widened, but then-- BOOM!

Suddenly everything turns black.

I don't know what's happening. I have my eyes closed and I feel a lot of pain in my body. I hear a lot of noise around me-cries of pain and sirens-but one voice stands out above all, even though it's barely a whisper.

"Kyuhyun..."

At the sound if my name, I try to open my eyes. It's tempting to just stop fighting and drift into a peaceful sleep, but I recognized the voice, so with all the strength left in me, I open my eyes. Everything is blurry. Finally, after blinking a few times, I can see clearly, but the view is not a pleasant one. There is smoke everywhere, I can see people laying on the floor around me covered in blood. Some of the bodies are moving-others are not. It is then that my eyes focus on a body several feet to my right, it is Siwon. I can see his tear filled eyes looking back at me. 

I try to move towards him but I feel a horrible pain shoot through my body as I let out a pain filled cry. I feel like if I'm going to pass out but I fight it, I need to stay awake.

"No! Don't move Kyuhyun, I'll move towards you, just wait," he says, dragging himself closer until he's right beside me. He exhales loudly, trying to ignore his own pain. He takes my hand in his and brings it up to his face. "Hold on, help is on the way, we will be fine," he whispers, but I can see the fear and worry in his eyes. I just smile at him and caress his cheek with our intertwined hands.

I can feel how I'm losing my strength little by little, and I know he knows it too. I know this is the end for me, there is no help that will be able to keep me alive. Siwon looks so worried for me and I can't help it when I feel my tears rolling down my face. My surroundings begin to get blurry and I know it's not just because of my tears. With all the strength I have left, I reac for Siwon's face and pull him towards me, close enough to connect our lips in a soft kiss as my eyes close for the last time.

Before I completely drift away, I hear a soft whisper.

"Rest well. I love you..."

A/N: So yeah I finished typing it and I decided to post before I regret it xD Ignore typos, I wrote this on my ipod so there are probably some. Please forgive my poor excuse of a story and don't hate me >.< I'll post the rest as soon as I finish typing it :)

Comments are welcomed :)