Today was the fifth win of our song ‘red light’, but as much as I’m happy about it I was having a gloomy expression plattered on my face. Yes, I’m tired. Dead tired I must say. Not only because I was sick, but the particular person who always cheer me up with her million dollar eye-smile wasn’t there, ‘with me’ to be specific.

I’m worried sick about her.  Sulli wasn’t able to go on stage with us due to her health condition which was far more worst than mine.  She collapsed at the dorm the night before the M!Countdown show.  She has been taken to the hospital immediately. I knew something is wrong with her, she wasn’t act like normal. I would like to stay beside her at the hospital, but me and the rest have to go practice right away and change the choreography since Sulli won’t be able to perform.  I hope she would be alright.  And because of our tight schedules, none of us were able to visit her.

After the show today, we were on our back to the dorm. I was having a rest on the van, then suddenly my phone rang. It was Sulli!

“Hello. Ssul?”

“Soojungie, where are you?” Exhaustion still evident in her voice.

“We’re heading back now. How are you? I’m so worried” 

“Hehe. Sorry for making you and the members worry. I’m already discharged.”

“Glad to hear that!”

“I’m waiting for you at the dorm, Okay?”

“Okay. Almost there. Bye”

Then I hang up.

“Members! Sulli is at the dorm now!” I shouted with joy. The rest were also cheering after hearing the news. Finally I’ve got to see my Ddulling.

I immediately went into her room after we reached our dorm. I was excited to see her because I miss her so much. I was about to jump on her and give a big hug when suddenly I saw a girl full of tears in front of me. She was looking at her cell phone and crying.

“Ssul” I called her softly, reaching out my hand to careress her hair. I knew she would read those ridiculous rumours again. I took her phone away and we hug each other. She was crying even harder.

Seeing her broke down like this also broke my heart.

The eye-smile girl that always lighten up the atmosphere where ever she go, that put 100% effort in everything she do, and always cheer us up with her silly jokes when we were gloomy.  That girl has now gone, nothing left but hurt and a broken heart. This girl doesn’t deserve those harsh words. She doesn’t deserve those stupid rumours. Nevertheless, she definitely doesn’t deserve to be treated like this from the man she loves. Choiza is only using her for her fame. That selfish bastard. 

“Jjung, what did I do wrong?” Sulli looked at me with eyes full of tears. I wiped it with my thumbs, shaking my head.

“Nothing. You have been doing a great job for our comebacks. Don’t listen to them Choi Jinri. Those people just saying stupid thing they don’t even know” I tried to hold back my tears. I needed to be strong right now for her.  She has been protecting me since pre debut.  Now it is time for me to be strong for her, protecting her.

“But I don’t understand.”  She cried harder. All I could do was hug her and keep saying that everything is gonna be okay. She closed her ears and kept shaking her head saying that she couldn’t take it anymore, mentally breaking down. Screaming and hitting me, the rest of the members ran into the room. Amber grabbed Sulli’s hands, while Vic unnie and Luna unnie pulled me away.

“Sulli calm down” Amber said, but Sulli won’t stop crying. She tried to remove hands from Amber’s grip; luckily Amber was stronger.

My tears started rolling down. Not only mine, but the members’ as well. Sulli was never like this. She wasn’t herself anymore, and this was because of those stupid articles. 

As an idol, we were expected to be strong and ignore the false articles and rude comments from the anti-fans. But this time was unlike others, not only anti-fans, but also our own fandom was bashing her as well. We knew about this and we tried so hard to cheer Sulli, but she couldn’t handle it anymore. 

Silence was covering to the entire room. No one was able to say anything. Only sniffed could be hear from all of us. Sulli was still in Amber’s grip, but she seems to be able to calm down. I removed myself from Vic and Luna ’s embrace. I slowly went back to her and hug her tighter than ever. Why couldn’t I protect this girl? How could I let her be in this stage?

“I couldn’t do this anymore” That’s all she could said. 

We were crying together all night. We knew exactly what will happen next. As much as we hated to be f(4) while promoting, but we couldn’t bare to see Sulli being in this stage. She needed a break from this harsh world. We knew that our fans might be frustrated about this new news, but we could only hope that they will understand. 

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Sulli was packing her stuff when we entered her room. She turned her attention to us and gave us a smile, a sad smile, which I ree.  we all sat around her and help her fold the clothes.

“Member, I’m sorry” She said while her attention still on her clothes. I knew right away how guilty she must have felt making this decision.

I reached out my hand to cup her face so she could look at me. I tried to give her the biggest smile although tears were now rolling down my cheeks.

“Babo, We should be the one who say sorry” She lifted up her brow in confusion.

“Sorry, we couldn’t protect you from what you have been through. we should have done something.” Vic unnie said, and let out a sigh.

She led out a sad smile and shook her head in disproved.

“You guys have already saved me. You guys were always there by my side. I feel blessed every days knowing that you guys are my family.” She started to cry as well.  “f(x) is the best thing that ever happened in my life and I couldn’t ask for more.” We all cried and pulled ourselves into a group hug.  “I wish I could be stronger and ignore those rumours, but I couldn’t. So don’t blame yourself. I’m the weak one”

We were hugging each other and neither of us wanted to let go.

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We helped carried her stuff into her car. 

“So this is it?” Amber was the first one who speak. Vic unnie nudged Amber’s side with her elbows. “Ouch! That’s hurt”

“She isn’t gone forever you know. She is just taking a break” Vic unnie said while giving a death glare to Amber. We all laughed at the scene.

“Vic unnie is right. I’m be back. Don’t worry” Sulli said flashing her eye-smile. Her eye-smile lighten the atmosphere once again.

“You better be, Ssul. Or else I will be dragging you back from Pusan” I said with friendly punch to her shoulder.

“Don’t forget to call us, okay?” Luna unnie said. 

“Definitely” Sulli hugged her.

And silent went over again.

“Group hug?” Vic unnie suddenly asked 

“I’m tired of hugging already” Amber pouted.

“Come on” Then Vic unnie pulled us into a group hug. 

“We will always be here Sulli” Luna unnie said and we could hear her sniffed.

“Thank you, you guys” 

That’s right. We will always be here, waiting for her. Because Sulli is apart of f(x) and we couldn’t be f(x) without her. Although we haven’t had our own solo concert, but by the time we have it Sulli will be back. 

We, f(5), will be on that stage holding each other hands.

Bow 90 degrees to our fans who always support us no matter what.

And wave at the periwinkle ocean we all have been waiting to see.

Hope this will help cheer up you guys. I wrote this immediately after seeing the news.

I know that you guys are sad right now, I also am. But I think the girls are feeling worst.

So let just get ourselves together and keep supporting our girls.

f(x) needs our support right now.