Tell me something

When the rain falls on my face

How do you quickly replace it with

A golden summer smile?

You love it when it rains. Remember that time when we went out to celebrate your special day, and you were wearing this stupid moustache because you said it was the best disguise ever? Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more adorable, you suddenly were. "You should wear one too," you said. I shook my head, kissed your cheek and told you that you’re the only one who could still look attractive with a hairy moustache. You pouted and looked away, trying to hide that shy smile from me. You shouldn’t have done that though, because that made me crave even more for that kiss you’ve been depriving me. You can deny me that all you want, but I will wait—even if it takes forever. You helped me with my mask, I got us our caps and we walked to the park.

The rain started to pour when I was about to hold your hand. I wasn’t moving, I was letting the situation sink in. This is not how I planned it, not how I wanted it to be, I thought. I was so devastated, Donghae. But when I looked at you, you had your eyes closed, your head tilted to the sky, and you were smiling. I was busy staring at you that I didn’t see how you interlocked your hand with mine. You looked at me so slowly, and I felt all my insides melt when you smiled at me and said, "Hyukjae, this feels so nice."

People who passed us by were complaining about how cold that day became. With your eyes staring at me and your hand in mine, I couldn’t help but think, No, it’s the warmest day ever.

Tell me something

When I'm feelin' tired and afraid

How do you know just what to say

To make everything alright?

You saw how my father reacted when I told him about us. He was just staring, obviously shocked. I didn’t want to hear the things he could possibly say so I ran. I was a coward—I was scared. I was scared to hear that I couldn’t keep you. "You should have stayed," you said when you caught up with me. You hugged me tight, and I wasn’t able to stop my tears from falling. "No, no I can’t. He’s going to reject me, and he’ll force me to stay away from you. He can’t make me stop being with you—I don’t want to lose you. Not now, not ever.” I was holding you even closer. I was about to get angry because you were so silent. I felt your cheeks move, so I turned my head to face you. Again, you were smiling. “Wanna know what dad said right after you ran?” My mind was busy processing how you addressed my dad that I wasn’t able to give any kind of reaction. “He said, ‘I thought couples were supposed to support each other.. why did he run away? And to think he’s my son!’ He laughed, Hyukjae. He was smiling genuinely. Don’t look at me like that, I was shocked too! And then he said, ‘Now go get him— uh.. son?’" You tried to deepen your voice when it was something my father said and that was so adorable. You got me laughing again, and you laughed with me. 

You put your arm around me and we walked our way back to the house. I remember how eager you were because you wanted to change your shirt. You teased me about being such a cry baby and how I ruined your favourite shirt. "But that’s my shirt," I retorted. 

You were grinning when you said, "Exactly why I like it best.”

I don't think that you even realize

The joy you make me feel when I'm inside

Your universe

You probably don’t know how much I love hearing you sing. You won’t understand, Donghae. Your voice takes me to wonderful places I can’t describe. “Can you stay while I sing? I can’t do this alone,” you always say when you’re about to do a solo performance, and I would give you my most reassuring smile. “You don’t have to ask me, you know,” is my answer every time. You’ll give me a quick hug, and hit the stage afterwards.

You start singing low and slow, and my heart is beating faster each passing second. You hit the high notes, and I am soaring high in that moment. You sing the best parts the way you always do—Donghae style, like you said that one time Kyuhyun and I were making fun of your singing—and I am no longer in this world. You end the song with closed eyes and a small smile, and I just want to curl up like a ball and cry.

You don’t have to ask me, you know. Because I’ll always be there for you.

You hold me like I'm the one who's precious

I hate to break it to you but it's just

The other way around

You were sleeping on my bed when I arrived the night before my birthday. I remember having a lot of schedules that day and you only had one or two. I was changing my clothes when you sat up, scratching the sleepiness off your eyes. It took me everything to not jump on you and hug you forever because you looked so cute with your confused expression and messed up hair. “Hae, go back to sleep. I can sleep on the couch so you can sleep comfortably,” I stood beside the bed and combed your hair with my fingers so it won’t get to your eyes. “But I went here so we can cuddle and wake up next to each other on your birthday,” you replied with squinted eyes and your arms found their way around my waist. How can I resist that. You know my weak spots, and you always hit a lot of them. 

I woke up when I heard noise from the kitchen. Maybe Ryeowook is already cooking breakfast, I thought. You raised your head and gave me a toothy smile. “Good morning, birthday boy.” You hugged me closer to you.

The sunlight that made its way through the blinds was bright, but your smile was definitely brighter.

You can thank your stars all you want but

I'll always be the lucky one

You have a thing for random questions. Sometimes you would ask me why turtles were slow, or why pandas were so cute. “I really don’t know, Donghae,” I would always tell you, and you’ll just pause and stare for God knows how long before deciding that you will just Google your question later.

One time, I was telling you the jokes I heard when I passed by two drunk grandpas and we laughed like idiots. My abdomen was hurting so bad and my eyes were so small that they were almost closed—but not too small to not see and appreciate the long exposure of your slightly crooked yet beautiful teeth. You were in tears when you said, “Hyukjae, what did I do to deserve you?”

It was a rhetorical question, but I wanted to answer you so bad. No, Donghae. What did I do to deserve you?

Tell me something

When I'm 'bout to lose control

How do you patiently hold my hand

And gently calm me down?

You were covering your right cheek with your hand when I entered your room when I got home that Thursday. I asked you what was wrong, but you kept on insisting that it was nothing. I asked you continuously, but you just pushed my questions away and avoided my eyes. I didn’t want to shout but I just can’t hold it anymore. "Donghae, how can it be nothing if you look like you’re about to cry!” I pulled your hand away from your face and there was a bruise. It was small, but it wasn't small enough to keep me sane. “Who did this to you, Donghae! Answer me!” I was so desperate to know, and I wasn’t hearing the things I needed to know.

“Hyukjae.. y-your hand. I-it hurts,” you said so softly I almost missed it. I didn’t know I was gripping your forearm too hard, or the fact that tears were falling down my face. I was blinded by my anger, I’m so so sorry. I backed away from you—afraid of what I have become. I kept on moving backwards until I hit the wall and I sat on the floor to hide my face and hug my knees for comfort. You hurt him, I kept on telling myself. You hurt him, and he didn’t deserve that.

You told me it was our manager when you sat next to me and rested your head on my shoulder. I didn’t know what to say. “He found the letter you gave me when you confessed..” You gently removed my hand from my knee and caressed it with your thumb. You joked that maybe he punched you because he thought that punching you will bring out the man in you. I smiled a little, ‘cause you smiled too.

“Heechul hyung was there and he took care of it,” you said after a few seconds of silence. It took you a couple more minutes to make everything clear, and I understood it perfectly. “So he was just worried about the things that could happen if the wrong people find out..” You hummed in agreement, happy that I was getting it.

“Donghae.. are you okay with what we have?” You didn’t answer immediately. For a moment there, I thought, This is it.

You snorted and you said, “How can I not be okay with this rebellious thing we have? It’s the best cliché ever.”

You lifted my hand and placed a kiss on top of it. And just like that, all my doubts were gone.

Tell me something

When you sing and when you laugh

Why do I always photograph my heart

Flyin' way above the clouds?

You are a different singer when you’re in the shower. Sometimes it’s a Justin Bieber song, sometimes it’s a Bruno Mars, sometimes it’s a Justin Timberlake, sometimes it’s just a random song of some American singer that you also want to have a conversation with. Because you’re proud of your broken—though should I say, improving—English like that.

But I can never forget that day entered the bathroom and it was a trot version of a Selena Gomez. God knows how much I struggled to keep my laughter in so I can record you without you knowing. Remember how you chased me around the dorm with just a towel on when I accidentaly dropped the toothpaste tube when I was holding on to the sink for dear life?

I will never forget that, Donghae. Because your laugh made me feel like I was high on drugs. I don't even  know how that feels like, and that's saying something.

Guess what? I still have it in my phone.

I don't think that you even realize

The joy you make me feel when I'm inside

Your universe

You hate interviews. You hate it, and we all know that because you always pass us the microphone during press cons. “Will I be okay?” you asked while I was fixing your tie. “Of course, you will. You love being in dramas right? Just tell them how much you love acting, and that if you’re not an idol star, you want to be a professional actor bla bla bla the usual stuff, alright?” I answered as I kissed your cheek. “Now go, and be the best actor I know.” Your face was a little pale, but your cheeks were a certain shade of pink. You kissed me on my cheek too, and I was stunned. You giggled and ran your way out. How old were you again?

I sat comfortably on the couch as I watched you answer all the questions easily. Sometimes I stopped chewing the popcorn to hear your answers even better. I’m so proud of you, I thought when you volunteered to answer one question for the team.

“Donghae, since you’re playing as a young father in this drama, what are your thoughts on having a family? or what do you plan to do in the next five or so years?” the lady reporter asked. Well, that’s easy. You can answer that, Donghae we talked about that the other day. Our tours together, the countries we’ll visit, the disguises you plan to surprise me with, the— 

“Hmm… I want to marry a beautiful girl and have three or four children.” You were smiling and everyone in the studio aww-ed and giggled. They liked the specifications. But for me, It was too specific.

The couch suddenly felt too hard, the television suddenly seemed too loud and the popcorn suddenly tasted too salty. I turned it off and I felt numb. I wasn’t feeling anything—I didn’t want to feel anything.

"Is that what you want?” I whispered to the silence of the room. Is that what you want? because I can’t give you that. 

I didn’t feel the tears running down my cheeks.

You hold me like I'm the one who's precious

I hate to break it to you but it's just

The other way around

The door opened a few hours later, and I knew it was you because I know how you like whistling a random tune before unlocking our door. “Hyuk, did you see me? did you see the part when Kim Ju— what happened here!” I was lying among the disregarded popcorn on the floor. I can’t remember how I came to that position, I just knew I was. I heard the thump of your bag and your other stuff, and I knew you were walking towards me. Don’t come closer, I wished. Please.

“Hyukjae.. what’s wrong?” No, don’t use that voice with me. I felt your hand on my right shoulder and I jerked it because I didn’t want to feel your touch. Stop it. “Did I do something?”

I laughed at how pathetic I was. I wanted to be angry at you, but I can’t. I can’t because there was nothing wrong with what you want. 

Slowly, I sat up and saw the worry in your eyes. You tried to wipe my tears, but I pushed your hand away. “Don’t. We can’t do this anymore.” 

“What? I thought.. we had something special..” You looked so hurt and it was breaking me.

“It’s your future, Donghae! I can’t give you what you want!” I said between broken sobs.

“You’re going to have a good future.. and I can’t be in it.”

You can thank your stars all you want but

I'll always be the lucky one

Suddenly, your arms were around me. Stop, please. I tried to push you away from me, but you were stronger. “Remember what Heechul hyung said about protecting ourselves? about protecting what we have?” I was slowly calming down. I nodded. Just satisfy them by giving them what they want to have, I recalled.

“I told them what they wanted to hear,”  you said as you held my cheek and wiped my face gently with your handkerchief.

“I don’t want that, Hyukjae. I just want you.”

You can thank your stars all you want but

I smiled, and you did, too.

You leaned forward, and I did, too.

"I love you."

"I know, I love you too."

We kissed.

Nice and slow, because we were cherishing the moment.

Nice and slow, because we knew we had forever.

I'll always be the lucky one

Nice and slow, and it was perfect.