so i’ll hold you close, to help you give it up

When the door opens, Jinyoung knows it’s Jaebum before he even comes in.

There are distinct mannerisms with which people open this door. Jackson, for one, throws it open with all the grandeur and gall of a drunk teen at a college party, the rattling noise usually accompanied by loud whines of Jinyoungieeee you gotta help me do this and a long tale about how it really wasn’t his fault this thing got broken or that thing wasn’t done and pleas to shield him from the wrath of Jaebum. Mark would be quiet, as always, so silent Jinyoung almost doesn’t hear him come in (but he always does), all casual grins and low voices and soft footsteps. Youngjae’s entrance is usually followed by the sound of him tripping over the metal grating on the floor for the sliding door, and cursing and swearing in dialect. And then there’s the usual floating in and out of his room by the maknaes, borrowing toothpaste and socks and to use his exclusive toilet (which Jinyoung begrudgingly lets them).

But when it comes to Jaebum, it’s different every time. Sometimes when Jaebum comes in, it’s like the weight of the world follows him, ballooning out to fill the tiny room, suffocating and crushing and the leader will be wrapped up in it all, bruised eyebags and slumped shoulders. That’s on their bad days, and somehow Jinyoung will know, he always knows, and he’ll stay up in the darkness to wait till the leader caves in and comes to him, broken and exhausted, to be mended again.

Sometimes it’s the opposite, sometimes Jaebum comes in grinning and traps Jinyoung in a back hug, whispering words of encouragement and thanks that tickle Jinyoung’s ears and make him blush and squirm and roll his eyes. Then it’s like Jinyoung’s heart is being inflated, made whole again, confidence patched up and burdens lifted.

But sometimes, most of the time that Jaebum comes in, the atmosphere is light, and Jinyoung will hear the rustling of papers and the weary dissonant muttering about fussy managers and long dance routines from where he’ll be on his mattress, sorting out the members’ clothes or in the middle of a book. It’s rather anticlimactic and “domestic”, as Jackson calls it in English (but neither of them are quite sure what that means) but this is how most of their nights together are spent, Jaebum donning his reading glasses and messing up Jinyoung’s floor with scripts or schedule packets, Jinyoung folding shirts and socks, with them talking about band members or songs or performance items or nothing at all.

Tonight is one of those nights, when Jaebum enters, warning the maknae line to sleep soon as he does so, carrying a blue folder full of the documents he needs to sort out by tomorrow, Jinyoung in the hypocenter of a bomb radius of underwear and socks and pants on his mattress, and Jinyoung quirks a smile at the way Jaebum gives Bambam a dry glare for saying yes dad.

“That looks more than the usual,” Jinyoung comments lightheartedly as Jaebum half-tosses the file onto the floor, removing his glasses for a moment to rub at his eyes tiredly.

“Oh, you won’t believe this, this is just rich,” Jaebum rolls his eyes, and Jinyoung can only smile as Jaebum launches into his usual rant about life and all its unfair things. “So I got the outline for the last I GOT7 episode a couple weeks back, right, and during the filming itself they added like ten other different things and missed out the singing segment they said they would have in the outline I got, so not only did all the effort Youngjae put into practicing that ballad go to complete waste, he also had close to zero screen time. So like the leader I’m supposed to be, or whatever, I wanted to ask them to help us be a little more accurate with the outlines so we wouldn’t be so caught off guard next time, and you know what? They refused! They got all defensive about “performing to our capacity” and “don’t have unreasonable expectations”, and I’m going to have to tell Manager about this and have him blow up at me again,” Jaebum gestures wildly, looking weary and frustrated and incredulous.

“I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do, Jinyoung, they know we’re a rookie group, and that we can’t handle this sort of impromptu entertainment stuff yet, but they’re still vague as hell about what they want from us!”

Jinyoung waits, after that, until he’s sure Jaebum has said everything he wants to, before he carefully constructs a reply, folding a pair of Youngjae’s socks as he does so.

“I don’t think you need to worry about Manager, he’ll understand about you trying to maintain the group’s excellence,” he says as reassuringly as he can, slightly amused, as he tosses the socks into the pile. “At the most you just need to tell him you did it politely, right? And the staff’s probably tense as anything about the success of this show as well, because JYP’ll have their heads if they don’t give his sparkly new boy band a good enough program.”

“Speaking of Manager, you all heard him yelling at me that time for Mark’s slip up on stage that time right,” Jaebum crumples back against Jinyoung’s closet, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It wasn’t even Mark’s fault, for crying out loud, and our staff still just about lose their on us. The kids are trying, you know, they know this is serious and this is our career but sometimes it’s like people think it isn’t enough.”

“Darn, sounds stressful,” Jinyoung says, a careless lilt to his voice, and smiles when Jaebum gives him a look. He stuffs the last pair of socks into the pile, before covering the space between them in one movement, sliding easily behind Jaebum to press soft fingers into his back, massaging a familiar rhythm into tense muscles.

“Hey, lighten up, will you? You said it yourself, the kids are trying their best, Got7 has its own show, we’re placing well on different music charts, so who cares about what other people say about how well we’re doing?”

Jaebum eases into Jinyoung’s hands, the movement subtle and almost involuntary, the moodiness hanging around his head still palpable but less so now. Then Jinyoung raises an eyebrow, because no one knows Jaebum better than he does and it’s almost like-…

“Something else up?”

The heartbeat pause between the question and Jaebum’s answer reveals everything. “No, not really.”

Jinyoung scoffs, thumbs still circling comforting, steady patterns into Jaebum’s back. “Jaebum, please. There is something else isn’t there?” Jinyoung reads into the pause that follows. “And it’s something to do with one of us.”

“No,” Jaebum’s denial sounds weaker this time.

“It’s to do with me.”

“No, wait, Jinyoung can you not-…”

“It’s to do with our relationship.”

“Jinyoung, how are you-…”

“You’re upset about something I’m doing but you don’t want to tell me because you think you’ll sound unreasonable.”

Jaebum turns around to give Jinyoung a half incredulous, half skeptical look, and Jinyoung shrugs.

“So, what is it?”

Jaebum sighs, defeated, as Jinyoung starts to pound a gentle, steady rhythm between his shoulder blades with his fists. “Look, I just wanted to apologise-…”

“Is this about our skinship?” Jinyoung cuts in suddenly, delivering a particularly sharp blow in his surprise, and Jaebum winces, while Jinyoung apologises, quickly pressing a kiss on the injured spot before returning to the original rhythm.

“Yes, yes it is,” Jaebum says, sounding slightly exasperated. “I just wanted to say I was sorry about today. Pushing you away,” he says it quickly, as though embarrassed to do so. “It’s just-…you know, I c-can’t do some things, as leader, and it’s,” he sighs noisily, before continuing in a lower tone, and Jinyoung can see his cheeks redden even from behind him.

“It’s distracting, when I’m trying to head the conversation somewhere and you’re trying to feed me or hold my hand, especially since the camera is focusing on me. I mean, when I don’t have to talk or force the conversation somewhere, I appreciate the touches, but you know-…” he looks back up at Jinyoung uncertainly. “Just not then, you know?”

"You..." Jinyoung's voice is uncertain, laced with the insecurity he's shown on many occasions. "You really feel that way?"

Jaebum inhales painfully, as though it's taking him all the effort in the world to say what he has to next. "Yes. I-I'm sorry, Jinyoung, but I'm just not able to receive that kind of affection in public."

There’s silence for a moment that seems to stretch on for forever, and Jinyoung’s expression darkens marginally, and he lifts his hands from Jaebum’s back. The chill in the atmosphere descends upon them, like there’s a wall that’s suddenly been built between their bodies, before Jinyoung stands to return to his own bed.

“Well, fine then, I guess, if you think that way.”

“Wait, Jinyoung!” Jaebum panics, grabbing Jinyoung’s hand, fear alight in his eyes. “It’s just-…I just think about you whenever you touch me, and I can’t think straight when that happens, okay?! Please don’t take it that way, I’m just trying to think for the team-…”

And suddenly Jinyoung’s laughing, dropping to the floor and half rolling onto Jaebum in the process, playfully punching his shoulder.

“Yah, you idiot, did you think I’d actually get angry at you about that?” he grins, and at once, the tension in Jaebum’s shoulders seems to unwind, and relief takes place of the confusion and fear on his face.

“, you really scared me there,” Jaebum mutters, wrapping an arm around Jinyoung, whose smile softens as he lets himself be pulled onto the leader’s lap. He can hear Jaebum’s heart pounding heavily through the thin fabric of his shirt, and it’s strange (and slightly gratifying) to think that Jinyoung’s feigned rejection would make Jaebum so scared. “Don’t ever do that again.”

“Hey, I know how much this team means to you,” Jinyoung nuzzles gently into Jaebum’s shoulder as he rests his head against his chest, arms sliding around the leader’s shoulders. “I won’t ever make you compromise like that, Jaebum, you know that.”

They fall into a comfortable silence after that, the calm saturating the air like the aftermath of a storm. Jinyoung’s content just staying like that, absorbing the warmth of Jaebum’s body, until Jaebum takes a breath to speak again, and he can hear Jaebum’s voice hitch in his throat before he speaks.

“Jinyoung…I’m sorry,” his voice is low, sorrowful, tinged with regret that makes Jinyoung upset, because he knows it’s the only thing he can’t alleviate from the burden that Jaebum carries. “I’m sorry I don’t know how to say things as well as Mark, or Bambam, or you, but I just really want you to know-…” Jaebum swallows, steadying his voice. “I really appreciate you. For everything you’ve done. What you’re doing-…I couldn’t ask for anything better.”

“Hey,” Jinyoung smiles, fingers shifting to cradle Jaebum’s face. “You know you’re doing a great job too, right? Don’t be too hard on yourself. We still need you here, you know? Both the kids and me.”

“You say that like none of you could do a better job than me,” Jaebum mumbles, and Jinyoung rolls his eyes, lightly pushing Jaebum’s shoulder.

“You don’t know how much the kids look up to you, Jaebum,” he sighs. “They aren’t dumb- they depend on you because they know they can trust you. Everyone, even Jackson, they’ll support you till the end, no matter what, you know that? Now stop looking so down, okay? You’re making even me depressed,” Jinyoung presses a soft kiss into the edge of Jaebum’s lips, and experiences a bubbling up of satisfaction when he feels them turn up into a genuine smile.

“Alright then, jagiya,” Jaebum murmurs, grinning, and Jinyoung flushes slightly, cheeks colouring further as Jaebum leans in for another kiss, chapped lips both gentle and coarse against his own. Jinyoung’s breath hitches as Jaebum’s fingers tangle themselves in his hair, the other slowly travelling down his back, blunt nails tracing pleasurable patterns into the skin past his shirt.

He shifts, sliding a leg across Jaebum’s thighs so he’s straddling his lap, pinning the leader’s larger frame easily against the closet door and grinning into the kiss when he hears the sharp intake of breath that follows.

“Now?” Jaebum mumbles into Jinyoung’s lips, voice husky and eyes clouded with desire, and Jinyoung snickers.

“Why, been thinking about this?” he presses further into the kiss, and the vibrations from Jaebum's following moan sends pleasant shivers down Jinyoung's spine, and he can't help but feel a stab of satisfaction at the way the usually fearless and composed leader is so easily reduced to a pliant mess in his hands. "Can't think straight when you think of me, hm?"

"Y-you think?" Jaebum’s voice is muffled, throaty, and the way his fingers brand themselves into Jinyoung’s back, pulling him impossibly closer, makes Jinyoung absolutely dizzy with want. His fingers fumble blindly past the hem of Jaebum’s loose t-shirt, ghosting across defined abdominal muscles, impatiently exploring familiar ground, and Jaebum’s own hands are travelling lower, tracing the soft contours of Jinyoung’s body-…

…-and there’s the bang of a loud fist against the door, and Jinyoung springs from Jaebum’s lap, breathless and red-faced and hands flying to adjust his clothes and hair, while Jaebum, swearing under his breath, half-stands and half-runs over to get the door. The first thing they see is Jackson’s wide-eyed face, one often used to get himself out of difficult situations which rarely works unless he’s with rabid fangirls or young female staff, and Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

“Hyung, I swear, I didn’t break it, it just fell off the-…”

“He broke it,” a deep, accented voice calls from behind, and Jackson turns to glare ferociously, muttering a “traitor” before turning back to give an exasperated Jaebum his best doe eyes.

“Pllleaaaaassseeee, hyung-…”

“Laundry duty from today till next Wednesday,” Jinyoung hears the leader say wearily, and Jackson breaks into a chorus of but hyungggg it wasn’t my fault and at least make Mark do it with me as Jaebum makes to step out to survey the damage.

He does an about turn before he does so, covering the space between the door and the file he’d left on the floor beside Jinyoung in one step as Jackson continues to wail outside, shooting Jinyoung a quick smile as he does so. It’s all Jinyoung expects, all Jinyoung has learned to be happy with, but then Jaebum makes a tiny, lightning move as he’s standing to whisper a quick “love you” in Jinyoung’s ear, and Jinyoung’s heart swells in his chest, a goofy smile spreading across his face he quickly hides when Bambam joins Jackson outside the room to laugh at him.

They don’t speak after that, but as Jaebum’s pushing the sliding door close, the sounds of Jackson and Bambam arguing loudly outside fading to a muffled thrum, their eyes meet and somehow Jinyoung knows Jaebum understands the message he’s conveying in his eyes.

I love you too.