I.

Heavy breathing, soft chatters and shuffling of feet against the cold dance floor, the room was filled with a tensed atmosphere, everyone silently praying for their name to be called. The SM trainees were gathered within the dance practice room, eyes and ears focused on CEO Lee Soo Man as he announced the names of members ready for a debut.

"Kim Young-woon."

......

"Yang Yunho."

I was getting more and more nervous as each name was called out with none of them belonging to me.

"And lastly..."

I felt my heart drop with those two words.

“Lee Donghae.”

I gave a humble acknowledgement bow as my stomach experienced multiple flips within, putting on a calm facade in spite of my internal joy. My father would be so proud of me; that was the first thought that went through my mind as I travelled back in time mentally to when my sick father was the one who encouraged me to participate in the annual talent contest. All my months of hard work had finally paid off; it hasn’t been easy mentally, physically and financially, travelling between Mokpo and Seoul for the intensive trainings.

“Alright, that’s all the names for today. Well done to those selected, and to the rest, please work harder.”

That concluded the session and the room turned into a complete chaos the moment the SM management team left the area. Both tears of happiness and disappointment were shed, angry mutterings and thankful prayers floated around and the room was cleared out in staggering batches.

Letting my eyes roam the room, I began searching for a certain skinny boy with dyed light brown hair; Lee Hyukjae. He was a fellow trainee I was very fond of, we shared the same dance training sessions and his cheerful personality never failed to brighten my day. His gummy smile was all it took for me to feel a flutter in my heart and my mood instantly got lifted regardless of any mood-dampening events. Despite having a frugal nature and acting tough during classes, I knew he had a warm caring heart inside and that was what I liked the most about him. Apart from his beautiful personality, Hyukjae was also an extremely talented individual; the way he moved his body in sync with the music, the charisma he exuded whilst dancing and distinct tone when rapping would capture the heart of any being. This was why it came as a shock to me when I failed to hear his name being announced alongside my own despite his lengthy training duration.

After a few good minutes, I spotted the person of interest sobbing in the arms of yet another selected trainee I recognized; Kim Junsu. I wasn’t surprised at the affectionate sight that greeted me, they were best friends from elementary after all, but it did not explain the strange tug on my heart as I witnessed the intimate scene.

I was supposed to be jumping for joy, calling my parents, screaming at my friends but all I could think about was how much I wanted to be the one wiping away his tears.

II.

“Super Junior is daebak.”

“Heechul looks like a girl.”

“Siwon is soooo charming.”

“Donghae looks like a fish when he dances.”

I giggled in response, feeling unaffected by the comment left on our Super Junior forum. I loved fishes so being compared to one came as no insult to me; after all I had to agree knowing how I had the bad habit of leaving my mouth gaping open when concentrating on the dance steps. We just concluded our debut performance and it seems like people have caught on pretty quickly; finding out our names and even leaving remarks as such on our social website.

“Eunhyuk looks like a monkey!”

Another round of laughter erupted around the living room as Heechul and Kangin continued reading fan statements off the laptop.

“Shindong is a lump of fat.”

“Eunhyuk is so ugly.”

I pouted at the nasty statements; why are people so mean? Was this one of the things that came along with being famous? I didn’t like it one bit.

“Donghae is adorable.”

“I love Siwon’s dimples.”

“I thought this group had good visuals until I saw the Eunhyuk guy.”

I think I’ve had enough. I didn’t want to listen no more.

“Alright guys, I think we’ve had enough for today. Let’s rest well.”

I silently thanked Leeteuk for saving the day as usual; our protective and capable leader. It was disappointing to say the least when the thirteen members were put in a group named “Super Junior”; labelled as merely a project. Despite the painful reality, Leeteuk was able to keep us motivated as a team as we worked towards one common goal; keeping Super Junior together as thirteen and putting our band's name on the world map.

Half of us heeded Leeteuk’s wise advice and slowly stood up to make our way towards our respective bedrooms while the other half who deemed themselves to be still wide awake stayed behind in the living room for a chit-chat session or simply occupying themselves with the television broadcast. An individual however chose a path totally different from the rest, heading towards the main door quietly. His escape plan remained unnoticed to everyone else; everyone but me. I saw the blond head disappear quickly behind the door as he closed it gently behind him without a sound. I lifted my off the ground instantly and gave chase, following him out of the door and towards the stairway where I saw the skinny legs disappear up the stairs and I knew immediately where he was headed to; the rooftop.

My presumption was confirmed to be right when I pushed open the door which had swung shut just mere seconds ago and was greeted with a hunched back over the edge of the ledge. He was facing out into the city and I could only make out his blond hair blowing in the wind and the slight shaking of his shoulders; it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he was crying.

Walking slowly towards the lone figure so as not to startle him, I felt my heart sink as the sniffling got louder the nearer I was to my target. Upon reaching his side, I softly placed my palm on his shoulder so as not to scare him. There was a slight shocked jerk from the thin frame before his shaking toned down significantly. Letting my fingers travel along his back as I received no protest, my arm was draped across his bony shoulders and we remained in that comfortable position in silence before Hyukjae finally decided to break it.

“It’s all true isn’t it Donghae?”

His statement filled my mind with confusion as I tried to clear the questions forming.

“What is?”

“Those comments.”

Whatever haze was clouding my mind dissipated instantly as I realised his conversation topic; the thing that was hurting him. Hyukjae was in pain due to those abuses hurled at him; insults he did not deserve. Hyukjae was one of the sweetest and kindest human being and in my eyes, he was perfect. In my opinion, those remarks were false and I bet they were simply fuelled by jealousy.

“I think Hyukjae is a special guy. He is sweet, matured, talented, smart and charming in his own way. Those people just need more time to see you for who you truly are.”

He scoffed at my proclamation, indication that he did not buy my words but it managed to put a small smile on his face anyway and I already felt slightly accomplished.

“Well that’s what only Donghae, the biased little brat, thinks. But thanks anyhow.”

I pouted at his tone laced with sadness, there should be more that I could do. A brilliant idea sprang to mind and I swiftly pulled my phone out from my pocket, scrolling and typing away rapidly before turning the screen towards him. Displayed on the small screen was the same forum our hyungs had been on earlier on.

“Eunhyuk is a great dancer who exudes charisma with every move. I also think he is the most handsome guy in Korea; he has a unique look.”

That one comment left at the top of page caused a huge gummy smile to burst out on his face; a smile that shot straight through my heart.

“Yes! I have a fan!” he yelled excitedly before grabbing me into a warm hug.

Pulling away, he looked into my eyes and I saw happiness radiating from those glistening light brown orbs. I decided then that Hyukjae should never cry over such matters; his tears were too precious to be wasted on such things. It was a beautiful sight seeing joy shining through those eyes; I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could find him ugly.

Wrapping my arms around him, I ushered the thin body back towards the dorm with just one thought in my mind; I will keep him happy at all costs and he never needs to know that the latest post was left by me; his first fan.

III.

*PIANG!!!*

The loud crashing sound shocked my system as it echoed throughout the dead silence of the empty dorm. I stood frozen in front of the shoe rack, I had barely taken my first step into the apartment and my gut feeling had been once again proven to be accurate; something was up with Lee Hyukjae. He had taken his leave the moment the music show ended despite our leader announcing our celebration for our third win, at the expense of our wealthy member Choi Siwon. It wasn't like Hyukjae at all to miss out on such an event, he was neither a spoilsport nor was he anti-social and most importantly, it was definitely not him to have given up a free treat.

Without a second to waste, I sprinted towards the origin of the noise; the bathroom. There in the middle of the cold wet tiles was Hyukjae sitting in a pool of blood and glass. One look at the broken mirror above the sink and I could pretty much guess what had happened.

I immediately ran in with total disregard to my own safety and scoped Hyukjae up by his armpits and heaved him out of the mess, carrying him to the bed where it was clean. Checking his body for any minor cuts and injuries, I found none and proceeded to give special attention to the most significantly damaged part; his right hand. Lifting it gently for inspection, I had to swallow my bile as the gruesome image greeted me along with the strong stench of blood; the cut was so deep I could see the pink flesh underneath broken skin that was oozing blood.

“Hyukjae, I think we need to get you to the hospital for stitches,” I stammered.

“No!” He was quick to protest, yelling out his first word since I found him.

His entire face depicted that of utmost fear and anxiety and it took me a split second to remember his phobia for injections. Settling for the next best alternative, I grabbed the first aid kit from the living room and administered my own treatment. I started off by cleaning his wound with the disinfectant and was surprised that he barely even flinched; I guess he was going through a worse emotional pain than the flesh wound. Applying pressure on the cut, I informed him that it was to stop the bleeding but received no response from the mute being.

Taking a deep breath, I gave it another go. Kneeling in front of him with his hands in mine, I coaxed him to share with me what had happened.

“She…she…she’s cheating…on me.”

Once again, it was easy to figure out the context of his statement without any information but I had to be sure before giving any inputs. I knew he was currently in a relationship with a JYP trainee Gina; was he really talking about her?

“Who?” I voiced out, instead of just jumping to conclusions.

“Gina,” he validated my assumption as he choked her name out before breaking down.

The confession seemed to have pushed all the right buttons as he unleashed the tears I knew he had been holding back the whole evening. I enveloped the quivering body into my warm embrace, hoping to cease the hard sobbing. This wasn’t the first time I saw him in tears and it never fails to break my heart seeing him looking so broken and distraught.

“Why, Donghae? Why? Am I not good enough for her? Why does she have to treat me like crap? I am just an idiot right? That’s why it’s so easy to cheat on me.”

Every word killed me slowly. None of them were true.

“No you’re not, Hyukjae,” I firmly reinstated my view, desperately trying to clear Hyukjae’s lack of self-esteem.

Apart from strong words laden with sincerity, I didn’t know what else to do to make him feel better. Keeping him in my embrace, I ran my single free hand up and down his back, whispering the words of assurance repeatedly in his ears.

The soothing action was successful as I found a lightly snoring unconscious figure in my arms. Tucking him comfortably in bed with his pillows, I examined his hand once again to find that the bleeding had indeed stopped. I wrapped the wound up nicely before covering his body with the thick blanket. Taking a step back from his bed, I let the moonlight shine on his face as I captured the beauty with my eyes. Hyukjae looked at peace finally; a rare phenomenon.

Tracing his distinct jawline with my fingers, I let out a deep sigh; how many times have I seen him cry? How many times more will I see him cry? It pains me to see him lose precious tears over things that shouldn’t matter. A girl who wasn’t even worth it? Hyukjae should never cry because of an underserving lover, if it was me, I would treat him like the precious jewel he was; I would look only at him and repay him with nothing but overwhelming love. Hyukjae deserves someone like that; someone who would only make him shed tears of happiness.

As I observed the gentle rise and fall of his chest and his peaceful facial features, I silently vowed that I will succeed in ensuring Hyukjae’s happiness; as a colleague, as a fellow band member, as a friend.

IV.

Hyukjae was kind-hearted, caring, soft and sweet and he never hesitated in opening up his heart or shedding precious tears for the ones he loved. Unfortunately, this was both Hyukjae’s strength and weakness and many people knew about it and exploited it; Super Junior included.

I was busy in Taiwan picking up a new language, getting used to a foreign environment and basically immersing myself in the building up of a strong foundation for the brand new sub-unit; Super Junior-M. Regrettably, that was the exact time the pranksters left in Korea decided to pull off a stunt; one that would inevitably hurt the one person I cared about the most.

Super Junior-T, trot was what the T stood for, likened to the M for mandarin in our case, and they consisted of the remaining members which included Hyukjae, Leeteuk, Sungmin, Shindong, Kangin, and Heechul; the last three names being notorious for their despicable pranking abilities. I would have given my all to protect Hyukjae and I was sure Leeteuk would do the same but luck was obviously not on Hyukjae’s side as he was left in the merciless hands of the remaining four members for a hidden camera recording.

With our very own dorm as the set-up location, one would have thought that it would be a safe and comfortable session but to Hyukjae’s horror, it was his nightmare coming true. Introducing Kangin’s fake drunk friend as the leading male actor, every single person in the room collaborated in driving Hyukjae to the edge; his own close friends included.

Watching the episode air on the local television, I felt myself clenching my fists in anger at every unintended insult hurled in Hyukjae’s direction. Scripted or not; those words hurt. Kangin’s friend continuously questioned Hyukjae’s position as a Super Junior member; as an idol, by doubting his looks and abilities. Fresh tears sprang to my eyes as I recalled how inferior Hyukjae had felt about being termed ugly and here he was being put through the same torture again.

It soon escalated into a fight between Hyukjae’s friend who was designated to stand up for the sweet soul and Kangin’s friend as the instigator. Harsh words were flying around the room as certain individuals secretly let out sniggers and smirks; the hurricane of madness swirling around the set with Hyukjae in the eye of the storm as the innocent victim.

I stared on in anger and sadness as Hyukjae silently tolerated the cruelties and even made an effort to apologise to the bullies. Why Hyukjae why? Why do you have to be such an angel? Hyukjae was simply too good for this world. My heart broke into two as I started crying for the god-sent angel in the form of a human that was my close friend.

Hyukjae and I had gotten closer throughout the years and it was an unspoken truth that our friendship was beyond that of just friends. All our members were regarded as friends but Hyukjae was always the first person I would turn to in times of troubles and it was the same vice versa; and I treasured this relationship. This is also why I blamed myself entirely for failing to protect Hyukjae from getting taken advantage of for the second time in front of the cameras. What made it worst was that this time round I was physical present and yet I was unsuccessful. 

Explorations of the Human Body; a scientific experiment variety show with Super Junior as the main participants, was responsible for the on-screen capture of Hyukjae’s precious hurtful tears once again. Despite strong protests and expressing great displeasure against the malicious plan, it was a go-ahead eventually because it was just me against the entire team of producers and Super Junior members.

Upset about being put on the team of deceivers, I opted to pull out of the show altogether only having to face Leeteuk’s non-permission due to detrimental effects to both mine and Super Junior’s image as a whole band. Our leader even gave me his word that he would rectify all matters at the end of the day and managed to win over my agreement by adding a concluding statement.   

“I’m sure you want to be there for him when the first tear falls.”

That one line was powerful enough to render me speechless and eliminate all thoughts of not partaking in this so-called scientific research pertaining to the salinity of tears. I guess I didn’t even need to act since my overflowing concern for my best friend would be genuine as I silently promised myself I would be the first one rushing to his side, the person whose arms he’ll be crying in. Volunteering myself to be the person in charge of collecting his tears, I ensured myself that position.

The carefully planned out prank kicked off with Shindong’s role as the provoker; announcing his desire to leave the band during our team dinner. An awkward tension filled the air as he set the serious tone for the night before escalating