3 years ago

I never believed in love at first sight. The zing of electricity was simply just a fantasy of the romantics. It was incredibly ridiculous to me that people picked the one who they were going to spend the rest of the lives with just by a single look. In school, there were plenty of pretty girls around. Yes they were pretty and pleasant to look at but I would hardly call that love. Appreciation, maybe, but definitely not love.

Besides I wasn’t about to let anything come in the way of me achieving my dream of becoming a dancer.

The dream that first compelled me to join one of the largest entertainment company in Korea.

The dream that little did I know would lead me on a path of life changing events that would completely alter the way I viewed love and romance.

The dream that brought him to me.

~

“Ya, Jongin ah, look! New trainees!” Suho hyung nudged me excitedly. Rolling my eyes, I pushed his elbow away and continued analysing the dance video playing on the desktop in the practice room. The way the dancer moved felt so fluid and smooth. Without looking up from the video, I raised an arm and tried to imitate a move the dancer made.

New trainees or old one, I couldn’t care less. I wasn’t always this cynical but years of traineehood led me through my fair share of goodbyes. They were always so lively and fresh when they first joined and then one by one, their faces started to smile less, the spark in their eyes dimmed until they could no longer take it. Goodbye. At the end of the day, it was always back to square one. New people come and go. There was little point in making friends and getting to know the newbies because pretty soon they were going to leave. That was why I stuck close to Suho. He’d been here for who knew how long and the spark in his eyes were shining as brightly as ever. I knew he’d never leave. I felt safe with him. I knew he wanted this as much as I did, if not more. Goodbye wasn’t a word I’d needed to use with him.

“Gather round,” our dance instructor clapped his giant hands together resulting in one thunderous clap that snapped all of our attention. Immediately we all gathered where he stood and sat on the ground facing him. Incidentally, the boy who sat in front of me was clearly new. His backview was unfamiliar and yet so unique that I would have remembered it should I have seen it before.

My interest was piqued. I was completely intrigued by this boy. All from his back view! The first thing I noticed was that he sat up so straight that it made me conscious of the way I slouched. My eyes then sought to analyse him from head to toe. His jet black hair for some reason looked so soft and smooth that I fought the urge to run my fingers through it. The ends of his hair were well-trimmed and lined the beginning of a slender neck that would have made any girl jealous. This neck then spread out to the narrowest shoulders I had ever seen on a guy. Clearly this was a girl was my first thought but it was quickly rebutted by a mental reminder that we were set to become a male idol group. As narrow as it looked, his shoulders felt sturdy and reliable. A warm feeling rushed over me as all of a sudden, I wanted this boy to stay. The moment that thought flashed across my mind, surprise took over. What just happened? How did I get so attached to this boy even without seeing his face?!

Giving myself a mental shake, I continue to study his back view. His arms were as still as his back, politely resting on his thighs. His waist was just as slender as his neck, with a slight curve to it that was attractive but masculine.

Hang on, what was going on with me?!

Attractive?

“Jongin?”

I jumped up with a start. Glancing up, I saw the instructor’s eyes fixed on me. I had been way too engrossed in the boy in front of me that I had not heard a single word the instructor had said. “Huh?” Not the most intelligent thing I’d ever said but I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind either.

“Introduction?” He said pointedly.

“Ah yes.” I stood up and walked to the front of the group.

“Name’s Kim Jongin.” Trying my hardest to keep my eyes off the boy, I stared at the back of the room. I was dying to see how he looked like. Was he handsome? Was he cute? Did he have good skin? But I knew that I would probably become incoherent if I were to so much as take a peek at his face so I stared at the back of the room strictly. “Trainee for 3 years. Pleased to meet you all.” But I could barely control myself as I hurriedly scrambled back to my spot and sneaked a peek at his side profile. Even in that split second, somehow his side profile was permanent etched in my mind.

Smooth skin. Sharp nose. Thick lips.

And then my heart stopped.

The boy in front started to stand up. It was his turn to introduce himself. At that very moment, it felt like the entire world had stopped in time except the two of us. I was no longer aware of anyone or anything in my surroundings. My vision zoomed in on him and him alone. The way he walked to the front of the group was enticing. Everything was happening slow motion. As he turned to face me, i forgot how to breathe. My frozen heart started to thunder wildly against my chest. My eyes stared unblinkingly. My palms were sticky with sweat.

First, I saw the side profile.

And then...

I saw the most beautiful face that I had ever seen.

It was a face of an angel, the purest and fairest of all who walked the face of earth. No he didn’t walk. He probably glided everywhere he went. He was bound to have wings hidden under his shirt. He was way too perfect to be human. My heart hadn’t stopped pounding. My mind was as blank as a piece of paper. I was at a loss of words and could only gape at the boy that stood before me.

“Do Kyungsoo. Nice to meet you all.”

That voice. So deep, so luscious. So perfect. Even after he returned to his spot in front on me, all I could see was his face and all I could hear was his voice.

I was falling.

And I was falling hard.

I was falling in love with an angel.

~

Falling in love was just about as rational as nothing. It was like life trying to prove me wrong. For someone who didn’t believe in love at first sight, it was almost like a joke that I fell for this being the moment I saw his back view. It was neither planned nor could it have been avoided. I ridiculed people who said they found THE ONE with just one look and look at my situation now. I believed in none of those love stories and yet I fell anyway.

And that first day was just the beginning.

You should have seen my face the first time I watched him dance. And let’s not forget the first time i heard him sing. His rich voice echoed through the silent dance practice room. Everyone stopped to listen. It felt like the portals of heavens were opening. It was like a breath of fresh air from the stressful environment as a trainee. It was sweet honey to my ears.

And all this scared me.

I was afraid at how attached I was becoming. I was frightened by the alarming fast rate that I was falling for him. I was terrified by the way my heart beat when he was in the same room. I was startled by the fact that it continued to beat wildly at the mere thought of him even after he left the room.

As much as I could not stand being away from him, a part of me kept me away. Away from getting to know him, away from making friends with him. Firstly, he was a male. The attraction I felt for him was beyond friendship and brotherhood. As much as I liked to kid myself, there was no denying the fact that he attracted me in ways the girls around me couldn’t. Not that I had anything against such preferences, it was just that up till the day he walked into my life, I had never imagine me with another guy. Then again, it wasn’t guys that I wanted. It was him, just him. Secondly, in the darkest corner of my heart laid this cowardly side of me. The fear of rejection. The fear that he might not find me as attractive as I did him. The fear that he was straight. And lastly, being a trainee for all these years taught me not to get attached that easily. It had steeled me against all emotions and friendship with new trainees. Saying goodbye was never my forte.

So I avoided him.

Tried my very hardest, in fact.

Not to talk to him. Not to have any interaction with him. Not to make friends with him.

And I was doing a good job too!

He had a strong aura, a masculine dark force that despite his small frame was able to commandeer respect from the other trainees. So people naturally assumed that I was afraid of him. Besides he was older than me. I wasn’t all too bothered by the assumptions they make. After all, I wasn’t about to let them in on my little secret. So I played along. At lunchtime, I would play it up, telling Suho hyung or Sehun that I didn’t want to eat with him because I was afraid of him.

This running away thing went on for about 3 months.

3 months.

3 whole months.

3 extremely excruciating months.

Bless my poor heart.

I expected some of the initial attraction to fade. I expected myself to becoming sick of him, or least accustomed to having him around.

But no.

It even got worse.

Much much worse.

As every day passed, I was getting more and more certain that he was the man for me. He was the one for me. The more I tried to avoid, the larger the attraction grew. It was insanity. When he tried to speak to me, I became incoherent. I couldn't even formulate a proper sentence it was embarrassing. That was partly why that rumor started anyway. I guessed everything played to my advantage and kept my attraction to him well under wraps.

He didn't treat me any different than as he treated any other trainee. Rationally, I would be jealous and upset. I wanted to be special to him just as he was to me. But nothing seemed rational to me anymore. Not only was I not upset about it, it made me like him even more. It impressed me, to be honest. The way he conducted himself to old trainees and trainees newer than him was the same. With respect. And I was impressed. I had seen my fair share of arrogance and power play among trainees that it pleased me to no ends that he wasn't like the rest.

He was special.

My special angel.

I must be going mad.

~

"Jongin?"

That voice.

I immediately froze. My brain stopped functioning and my heart started over-functioning. Turn around, I tried to command my feet but they remained footed to the ground. The close proximity of him. I could practically feel the warmth of his body radiating against my back. Then came a light tap of his fingers on my left shoulder. Nothing prepared me for this moment. Nothing prepared for the jolt of electricity that rushed from my shoulder down to my toes and back to my heart. Nothing prepared me for the acute feeling of his finger on my shoulder long after his finger left the spot. And it wasn't helping my frozen state either. After what seemed like eons of time, I saw from the corner of my eyes two huge doe-like eyes peeking at me from the side of my arm. The moment my eyes met his, they snapped forward, effectively avoiding his stare. I felt like my heart was going to burst into a million stars. It was beating so hard but yet it was neither uncomfortable nor suffocating. I felt heat rush up to my face as I stared straight ahead at my own reflection in the mirror of the practice room. As red as a tomato and as still as a rod, I was certainly a sight to behold. And suddenly a face shot up in front of me. The sudden flurry of action in my face caused me to jump a foot in shock before falling backwards to land on my bum.

"Sorry!"

The angel was speaking. In all the confusion and mesmerizing, I could only stuttered words that I myself did not understand. He was offering his hand to me and I ached to reach for it but I was way too gone for any brain to body connection. I could only stare dumbly at him.

He let out a little sigh and the next thing I knew, his hand was on my bare elbow. Currents of electricity jolted though my body as he helped me back on to my feet. “So sorry! I didn’t mean to spring up on you like that! Ok, I did but I didn’t mean to give you a shock! Sorry!” I remained completely frozen as he dusted the back of my pants and shirt. “Hey, let me buy your a drink. I feel bad for scaring you.”

I was trying to formulate the word “no” when he just grabbed me by the wrists and dragged me out of the practice room. After a couple of steps, I gave up resisting and simply followed wherever he led me to. Which turned out to be a Toms and Toms cafe just around the corner of the SM building.

“Come on,” he tugged at my wrist as he pulled me through the glass doors. “What do you want to drink?”

“Huh?”

“What drink, Jongin ah, what do you like to drink?”

“Um, m...milk...tea?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?” he teased, mischief lighting up his eyes. Laughing, he released his grip on my wrist and strode over to the counter. My knees began to give way as I quickly plodded myself down on a chair. I literally had to remind myself to breathe. What on earth was happening?! Was I dreaming or was I really in a cafe with him alone?! I had always admired him from afar, courting him in secret, in the safety of my own thoughts and dreams. But this, this was a whole new different level. It was terrifying and yet I yearned for it, for the courage to take the next step.

“Here you go” his voice interrupted my train of thoughts once again as he placed the cold plastic cup in front of me. Instinctively, my hands wrapped around the cold icy exterior of the cup and my fingers nervously lingered among the cold droplets of condensation.

“So...” “Well...”

I looked up startled, his wide eyes meeting mine.

“You first.” “It’s ok, you go ahead.”

Awkward silence.

“Ok, I’ll go first.” He took a long gulp of whatever he was drinking and picked up a fork to prod against the cake he had ordered. Was it me or was he nervous as well?! “I noticed that you’ve been kind of distant from me. From the day we met. And I couldn’t figure out why. Did I do something to offend you or anything? Do let me know because I would hate to offend anyone for that matter.”

What?

What the---

Did he just?

I mean...

He thought that I was avoiding him because I hated him?!

What kind of rubbish was that?!

“What? Oh... no...” I too took another large slurp of the cool milk tea, trying to rid the harsh rough lump in my throat. “It is nothing...nothing like that at all.”

He stared at me with those wide eyes, full of anticipation and relief at my few simple words. It made me feel guilty for having led him to make such conclusions. He heaved a sigh of relief and gave me a little smile which made my heart flip.

“Well, at least we got that settled. I was worried that I might have done something unintentionally that offended you. I’ve been meaning to get to know you better but you never seemed interested and I kind of chickened out haha...” he laughed nervously.

It made me almost want to tell him the truth.

“Hey, why don’t we take a commemorative photo?”

And that was how that photo came about. The photo of the two of us sitting at Toms and Toms.

~

The following months proved to be one of the best few in my life. The heart pounding had yet to cease but at least I rarely froze when he was near me! In fact, it turned out that we had plenty to talk about. He was extremely easy to talk to. Whenever I felt troubled or down, I would turn to him for someone to listen to my rants. At the beginning, I did that because I simply wanted to interact with him but as time passed, I turned to him because I trusted him. He never judged, never made snide comments, never put me down in any way. Instead, he listened and genuinely cared, giving me valuable advice and support. I’d had many friends being a popular kid but I had never met someone whom I could connect on so many different levels. He made me feel important, made me feel as if I mattered. He would turn to me as well with his problems and that made me feel he trusted me enough with his issues. The more time we spend together, the stronger our relationship became. It was to the point where we hardly went through a day without at least talking on the phone. I looked forward to days when we had trainings and dreaded the days we were given breaks. Even the other trainees commented on how quickly we became so close. Suho was so confused that he asked me directly one day, “Jongin ah, I thought you were afraid of him? Whatever happened?!” I would just smile.

At that moment, the entire world was right. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing could wipe that smile off my face.

Except something did.

It was the last few months before we were set to debut. The last lap before the finishing line. The final push to the end of my trainee days. We were all so excited, the members were all finalised. There were twelve of us. No more changes, no more goodbyes. My friendship with him was stronger than ever. We moved into the dormitory where I shared a room with him. This led to many late nights simply talking to each other or just enjoying a comfortable silence in a dark room. We knew practically everything about each other by then which was pretty amazing in that short year we had known each other and now we were on our way to idol-hood.

Until I injured myself.

It was plain stupidity. Idiotic even. Dancing had always been my forte, my strength, my confidence. And yet so apt. Dancing became the one that crushed me, my nightmare, my darkest hour. I hurt my back real bad. Doctors were saying that they didn’t think I would be able to dance again. They whispered when they didn’t think I was awake about how my future was doomed. As if I needed a reminder from them. It was not just me who I hurt with my stupidity. Now the members whom I had come to love and care for were not able to debut. Because of me, the dream that was so near we could almost touch it came crashing down in a million pieces of crushed hope. I cried every night and slept every day. I wasn’t allowed to dance in fear of aggravating the injury so I just stayed in the dormitory all day while the rest were practicing. I sneaked out a couple of times but couldn’t make it pass a few blocks before having to return due to the pain. I managed to purchase a couple of bottles of soju from the nearby hypermart sometimes when I could get that far. Then I would shut all the lights in the bedroom I shared with him, shut out all light from the windows with the curtains and sat in the darkness wallowing in my self-pity and drowning my sorrows with alcohol. I would hurry into bed the moment the members returned from training because I couldn’t bear to face them. I couldn’t bring myself to even speak to Kyungsoo. His name a forbidden word to my lips. His lovely face muddled by alcohol in my mind. I had no right. No right at all. After all, I was the one who stole his dream away. And yet every night without fail, when he thought I was fast asleep, he would prepare a hot water bottle to put against the small of my back to ease the pain. And every night, I had to bite back the tears that fell nonetheless. The helplessness that came with being unable to give the person you cared the most the things he wanted the most. The sorrow that came with being responsible for the downfall of an idol group that didn’t even get the chance to debut.

This went on for two weeks before he couldn’t take it anymore. And that was the first time I’d seen him that angry. His face was dark, the aura he had was murderous as he the lights and threw open my covers.

“Jongin, this is the last straw. You better get up this instance or I am going to make you.”

Stunned by his tone, I obediently sat up on the bed and faced him. Almost sheepish as I hid my face behind my long fringe.

“What is this?” His tone condescending and seriously pissed off.

Glancing up, I saw a soju bottle in his hand raised up for me to see and his other hand resting on his hip.

“I will not take any more of this nonsense. You have mopped around for long enough and I am so sick and tired of this self-pity party you throw yourself every night. Are you going to give up just like that? Are you going to just throw away your dream?”

Anger welled up within me in that moment of desperation and abandon. “What do you know, huh? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!” I screamed, frailing my arms in the air. “I’m never going to dance again! The doctors all said that my future was screwed, alright?! I AM SCREWED! MY DREAM IS GONE! I HAVE NO FUTURE OK?  So why don’t you just mind your own business and leave me alone?!”

“Because I care for you, Jongin.” His earnest eyes sought mine and suddenly a ray of light, tiny but nonetheless a glimpse of hope, shone through. “Because you matter so much to me. Because I just can’t bear to watch you throw your life away. Because you were meant for much greater things than this.” A tear escaped my left eye and I couldn’t be bothered to wipe it away.

“The doctors said you can’t dance? Prove them wrong! They say your future is screwed? Show them! Who decides what you can or cannot do? YOU! No one can make that decision for you! You disappoint me, Jongin, I thought you wanted this so badly and yet one setback and you give up. Is that all you are made off? Is that all you have to give?” He shook his head in disappointment before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him.

At that point in time I hated to admit but it hit me. And they hit me hard. Not so much of the words he said but the look of disappointment was simply too much to bear. That was the night that I sobbed myself senseless. But it was also the night before I woke up with so much resolve and resolute.

I would love to say that the road to recovery was a walk in the park but it wasn’t. It took months of pain and effort. Schedules were pushed back, dances were altered, practices went on, nights became days, days became nights. But I preserved. Because I had the support of my members and the trainers. They reassured me that they didn’t hold me responsible for the delay and were just glad to have me back. And I had one very special person beside me the whole time. I can still remember the first time we met after the fight. He blushed and so did I. He greeted me in a faltering voice and I spoke to him without knowing what I was saying. I was just glad to be back in his company and I couldn’t care less about anything else.

Through the torturous few months of recovery, he never once left my side. He stuck through all the painful physiotherapy with me. He danced endlessly with me so that I was up to standard with the rest. He made sure I took my meds on time and had plenty of water to drink. Suho told me that night that we fought, once he left our bedroom, he went over to Suho’s room where he cried his eyes out the whole night. And then it hit me, I was so incredibly blessed to have an angel like him beside me and that I had to do everything in my power to become deserving of him.

And also, I decided to confess.

It took me ages to garner the courage. After all, I didn’t want to destroy the beautiful friendship that we had built together. But on the other hand, I wanted him so bad. I wanted to be completely truthful and free around him.

~

It was a week before our long awaited debut showcase.

It was late at night. The rest of the members had returned to the dormitory but Kyungsoo and I stayed behind to practice a little more. We danced until we were completely exhausted and collapsed on the ground in heaps of sweat.

“I’m going to wash up.” He pushed himself off the ground and started across the room to the one bathroom on this floor. Without any thought, I followed suit and pushed off the ground, trailing along behind him.

Hearing my footsteps, he whirled around. “Are you following me?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Why?"

I give him the only honest and true answer I have. "You're where I want to be.”

His eyes searched mine as if he wasn’t quite sure of what to make of my words. So I reached forward and wrapped his hand in mine. Holding his hand was like holding a butterfly. Or a heartbeat. Like holding something complete, and completely alive.

“I've always found that the most beautiful people, truly beautiful inside and out, are the ones who are quietly unaware of their effect." His eyes continued to search mine intently, and for a moment we stood there toe to toe. “Do Kyungsoo, I fell in love with you that very first day we met. I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasn’t something about you at all. It was just you. I have never been one who believed in fairytales and love stories but you, you changed everything. I tried to avoid you, to run away but it only made me fall harder and harder for you. I used to see the world in black and white, now because of you I see vibrant colours and shades I never knew existed. I love you. No, I am in love with you, Do Kyungsoo.”

He just stared at me with his wide eyes, without uttering word. His face betrayed no expression and i made me worried.

 “And I know you deserve better than me. But if there was anyone who is made for me…it’s you. I’ll do whatever I have to do. I’ll do anything.” I clasped my hands on his arms and gave him a little shake. That shake seemed to have woken him from a trance because he hurried swatted my hands away and ran to the toilet.

This time I didn’t follow.

Instead, I went back into the practice room and sat beside the glass window overlooking the quiet midnight streets. So this was the end. I just had to ruin it. Ruin the friendship that we had built. And yet I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. After all, I would never have known if I didn’t at least try. Deep in thought, I didn’t notice that he re-entered the practice room until he cleared his throat softly.

I continued to stare out the window. "I meant what I said before. You need to walk away, hyung. Because God knows I can't walk away from you.” And all I heard in reply was footsteps followed by silence.  I sighed in defeat and stared out into the night sky when suddenly a face popped up in front of me. A sense of déjà vu swept over me from the first time we spoke.

He scanned my face with careful hope in his eyes. “You love me?”

His hand glides down my arm, folds over my hand. His fingers lace with mine, palms kissing. I can feel the fast thud of his heart through this single touch.

Just three simple words

You love me?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

So very much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Hey subbies! I figured this needed a story on its own so yup! My take on how Kaisoo began.

Hope you liked it! ^^