Beginning to end.
Memories in my eyes.
“Love. No explanation is needed, no reasons for it and no background story. One day when someone asks me what love is, the only thing I would reply is your name. The name of the love of your life sums up everything about love. Love is deciphered differently among others and mine is your name. The name that I have learned and treasured. Thank you Luhan for teaching me a very important life lesson.”
Min Seok hated Luhan for wanting to stay with him. Min Seok hated how Luhan promised happy ever after. Min Seok hated how Luhan assured him every night that everything will be fine, they will be fine. Min Seok hated when Luhan said “I love you.” Min Seok hated everything because he was so crazily in love with him and happily ever after was not in their dictionary. It never was from the start.
Min Seok leaving Luhan first was better. It will hurt Luhan less in the future but it will hurt Min Seok even more. Telling a lie to Luhan just to see a smile on his face in the upcoming days was better. Sometimes, the truth is better left unsaid for it prevents heartache. Protecting Luhan was Min Seok's top priority. Luhan can live a good life but Min Seok will suffer.
“As long as you’re happy, do not worry about me.” Min Seok said softly as he lightly caressed the sleeping Luhan. The softness of the other’s skin and the familiarity, it sent shivers down his spine. Tears started forming in his eyes as he watched the other smiled in his sleep and to know that the smile will disappear the next morning but replaced with tears, screams and pleads to finally know that he will never be there again to fill in the empty spaces in his life.
“I’m so sorry Luhan, my little deer. I’m so sorry. I love you too much.” He whispered into Luhan’s ears before giving one last kiss at his forehead and left through the doors that had once lead them into their personal haven.
“Sehun! Min Seok left. He left me! ”
“Luhan! Calm down. Maybe he just felt that you guys were not right for each other.”
"He didn't even say goodbye."
"Maybe he thought it was for the best. You know Min Seok hyung."
“No! No! He loves me and I love him.” Luhan cried that morning and night. Sehun never left his side.
“I have cancer Luhan ah. I don’t have much time. It would be better if we end this now. It will hurt less. I promise.”
“No Min Seok. I will spend every single time of my day with you and I will be there for you. That’s what people in love do. They don’t just abandon one another no matter how much it will hurt. Please don’t leave me like that again without saying goodbye. Please don’t.”
“Im sorry Luhan. I was stupid."
"They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time,a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time." You told me that and you said that this will never happen to me. You promised me that you will always remember me because you loved me and only me.
“Once you meet someone, you never really forget them. The memory will always remain; it’s just buried deep inside one’s mind. You just need to fight your way through all the other insignificant ones to capture the important ones. Like the love of your life.” I remembered the smile on your face when you told me that.
I know you will never remember this, you will never remember me but I forgive you. I will always forgive you for all the promises that you cannot keep. I will disappear from your life but I hope that somewhere deep inside you, you knew that you were once very in love and also very loved. One day when miracles were bound to happen and fate decides to be nice to us, I really really hope that the name Baozi will flash across your mind even if it was for a second and the memories that were buried deep inside were found. Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, thank you for the memories, thank you.”
"Kim Min Seok. Xiumin." Luhan recited the name at the bottom of the page. His voice then started to croak and his eyes started to sting. A male’s face flashed across his mind, coming and going away.
"Min Seok ah. When we get married one day, wouldn’t it be nice to have a house made of glass by the seaside like this? We would wake up to sunrise and sleep to sunsets."
"And clashing waves would be our lullaby at night and alarm clock in the morning. Sounds about right!" Min Seok couldn’t help but grin.
All of Min Seok’s future had Luhan in it. It was the only future he could see and wished for so badly. He really could not imagine his life without Luhan. The moment he stepped into that coffee shop down the street and when the bell chimed indicating a customer causing a young male to greet him with the most melodious voice ever. The smile that the male possessed, giving him instant butterflies. A feeling he had never felt before and that was when the puzzles in his life kinda fits together. He just needed to find someone to fill those empty ones and Luhan was it. Luhan was someone he never thought he would fall in love with. Luhan was a total opposite of him but the difference between them just puts everything together.
"Actually anything with you in it sounds right. We could leave in a rundown apartment, infested with cockroaches, no furniture, cold winter and live on instant noodles. It would still sound right." Min Seok said as he kissed the other males’s forehead.
"Do you believe in parallel universe? Maybe in this one we are currently in now doesn’t have a happy ending but in the other one we do have one. We are singers, we fulfilled our dreams and we spend most of our time together. No worries, no sickness, and no one leaving. Just happiness." “Yes Luhan. I think there is.”
Luhan ruffled his hair crazily, pulling the sides and screamed every time the face of a male appeared before him in his mind. The male’s voice, the male’s smile, everything of that particular male hurt so much. Luhan cried and cried, his insides burn, he felt so hopeless and useless.
Sehun just entered the room and was shocked to see Luhan crouching against the wall with a book in his hands. Sehun stopped immediately when he saw that old object in Luhan’s embrace. He felt his heart dropped. It was a mistake. Luhan was not supposed to read that journal. Not yet. Sehun slowly made his way to the tiny figure at the corner of the room. He lightly his back and said his name.
“Luhan.”
“Sehun-ah. It hurts. It hurts so much. I remember him now. His name is Min Seok right? And I call him Baozi. I loved him and he loved me. He left me at the time when I needed him the most right? Why? Why did he do that? He loved me, didn’t he?”
Sehun was shocked to the words that left the latter. Luhan remembered Min Seok but he didn’t know that Min Seok was forced to leave him. Min Seok was forced to be taken away from this world.
“Luhan. It’s late. Go to sleep and everything will be fine in the morning. I promise. Give me the book please.”
“No! Why did he leave me? Why?! This person…” Luhan sobbed even harder, not able to finish his sentence. The pain multiplied and gradually engulfed him. Sehun took the blonde in his hands and light rocked him.
“I’m sorry, Luhan. I’m sorry.”
The night drifted with incessant sobs and slowly to soft takes of breath. Luhan cried himself to sleep in Sehun’s embrace.
"Sehun, can you promise me something?"
“What is it hyung?”
“Can you take care of Luhan? “
“Hyung.”
“Take him to the coffee shop down the street for breakfast every morning. Buy him a cup of latte with double shots when he gets cranky in the morning. Have a candlelight dinner once in a while, surprise him. He loves that. Give him light kisses and hug him from the back when he is oblivious of your presence. Just shower him with love. He deserves that so much.”
“Hyung. Why are you doing this?”
“Sehun. I know you love him and he deserves someone great. There is really no one better for him than you.”
“But I really can’t replace you, hyung.”
“I promised him that I’ll remind him of us and our love but it was just a promise. People break promises every time. I don’t want Luhan to dwell in the past and grief. I want him to move ahead and find love again. Maybe losing his memory is the right thing to happen. He met me and fell in love but we were never meant to be. God was kind enough to us, he gave Luhan a second chance. Fate made our paths meet and I was so thankful for that. Luhan was the greatest thing to happen to me. But my fate had already been set; dying at an early age was implanted from the day I was born. Nothing could be done. Later on he can have a fresh start and throw away all the painful memories and make new happy ones. Sehun, make new memories with him.”
“Min Seok hyung. “
“Just this Sehun. My last favor of you. Please.”
It was a chilly night that day. The night sky was a darker shade of ebony and the stars shone extra brightly. The full moon was the highlight of that particular night. The stars twinkling beside it like as if they were dancers and the moon was practically radiating with beauty that no one could out shine it, not even the brightest star. The moon owns the sky in the night. It was her moment.
Luhan had stealthily taken Min Seok out from his room in the hospital and to the beach. Min Seok had really wanted to see the sun rise before it was too late and Luhan really didn’t want to see a frown on Min Seok’s face. Luhan had scolded Min Seok for even saying that and that he would still be able to see a million sunrises but both of them knew extremely well that there was no such thing for Min Seok. Luhan just had the habit of doing this now, lying to himself constantly.
Luhan had forced Min Seok to wear at least five thick jackets if they were going to the beach and Min Seok just couldn’t disagree. Luhan was very persistent.
“This is nice. I’m going to miss this.” Min Seok said with his head against Luhan’s chest and Luhan’s limbs around him. Luhan had put a blanket on the warm sand and multiple blankets upon them. It was such a cozy feeling and Min Seok beside him was even better.
“I wish we could just stay like this forever. “ Luhan said while Min Seok’s face.
“Luhan. Do you remember that night in the bar with Baekhyun and Chanyeol? We played truth or dare and they dared you to sing a song on the stage. Can you sing that song now? I really like it.”
“That was horrible. I don’t even remember the song to be honest. That night was so blurry but it was really fun. We had our first kiss.” Luhan chuckled to that memory.
“Yeah, I remember that. Too bad then, I really like that song.”
“I can recite a poem if you like that.”
Min Seok nodded.
“Start of spring;
Heart in bloom;
Our whisperings
In sunlit rooms.
Summer was felt
A little more;
In autumn I
Began to fall.
When winter came
With all its white,
You were mine
To kiss goodnight. “
“Luhan ah.”
“Hmmm..”
“You will never forget me right?"
“Never! Never in a million years. I love you.”
“Have you ever wished that you have never met me?”
“Never. From the first day I laid eyes on you, I was thankful. I would rather die tomorrow than live a hundred, thousand years without knowing you.”
“I love you Luhan.”
“I love you too, Min Seok.”
“Im tired. Im going to sleep for a while, wake me up when the sun is rising. Promise?”
“Promise. Go to sleep Min Seok.”
Min Seok left Luhan before the sun rose and he did not see the sun rise for the last time.
Morning sunlight entered the room through the tiny openings of the curtain, casting narrow rays of light and slowly filling the room. Luhan opened his eyes and flinched when the sunlight hit him. He blinked a few times, adjusting his eyes to the sudden burst of light and he lightly cleared his throat but to find it extremely dry. The past of last night came back flooding into him. He knew he had cried but the reason? He did not know. He had forgotten about it. A tiny feeling of uneasiness was still present in him but he tried to ignore it. Sehun was beside him, still sleeping with his mouth slightly ajar. What was it that had made him so sad? What could have possibly made him drown himself in sorrow when he felt perfectly happy now. He lifted himself up slowly and lightly nudged Sehun.
“Sehun-ah wake up!”
“Huh?” Sehun jolted up and was instantly greeted with a smiling Luhan.
“Hyung?”
“Wake up! I want to have breakfast at my favorite coffee shop. I’m hungry. Get ready quick.”
Sehun was extremely stunned to the vibe Luhan was giving now. Did Luhan not remember what happened last night or was he just pretending?
“Hyung, are you okay?”
“What? Of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be? Come on, go get ready.”
“Did you not remember what happened last night?”
“I remembered. I cried, I was sad but I don’t remember the reason why though. Strange isn’t it?”
“You don’t remember a single thing at all why you cried? None?”
“Nope. Come on! Stop asking questions and go shower.”
Sehun hesitated before asking the next question.
“Does the name Min Seok sounds familiar, hyung?”
“Huh? Hmm… Not really. Why? Is he someone I should know? Someone important?”
“No, it’s no one. It’s okay.” Sehun couldn’t help but faltered to that answer.
“Erm, Sehun. Can we drop by the bookstore later? I just remembered that they are taking in old books to recycle and I would really like to give this book away.”
Sehun just nodded. There was nothing he could do.
"Hello. I would like to donate this book." Luhan said to the young lady at the counter.
“Alright. Wait a moment while I get the box.” The lady reciprocated with a smile.
Luhan stood by the counter and waited patiently. He caressed the book and looked at it then he came across the name of the author.
“Kim Min Seok.”
“Excuse me?” The lady arrived with a brown box filled with books.
“Nothing. Here you go. Thank you.” Luhan bowed and walked out the bookstore.
“Kim Min Seok.” Luhan said the name again and looked over at the coffee shop infront of him. He shrugged and just walked away, back to his apartment with Sehun.
That was the last time Luhan ever said the name of his past lover and that, Min Seok died again, lost in the memory of his loved one.
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