It was always the same. Nothing ever changed, his gaze never hardened, his finger never stopped holding on despite the walls he was met with. The secret glances, the pushing each other away just to feel the skin of the other for a brief second, to see his eyes on him and him alone. There was never any needed for spoken words, no need to look directly at the source of the heated stare upon his face, not when long fingers were brushing his, joining his own, filling the spaces that threatened to drown him daily. There was no time to feel guilt when a third pair of eyes landed of him, on them, before turning away in pain. It was selfish, it was extremely selfish to return the lose hold on his fingers with a hard one, to reassure the other that even if his mind was a stormy sea, he wasn’t drowning. When the eyes would land on him, gently tracing his features, a smile suppressed even though he wouldn’t dare look to see if it was, if he looked it would be over, the moment ruined. A smile, small acknowledgement of the other, trying to keep his eyes focused. The gaze would wander away, passing by as gentle as a breeze and off camera, fingers would play with his absentmindedly. It would take everything he had not to indulge in his selfish ways on camera, for him to lean his body to left, sink into strong arms and minty scents. He wanted to disappear, let himself melt into the warmth of the other until he could no longer tell which one of them was which, he wanted to lie in the silence. He wanted to let the silence of the others world engulf him for a while, hands on his hips, fingers linked with his, warm skin against his cheek, the rise and fall of the others chest lulling him to sleep. But his selfish ways would wait until they were off camera, when the gentle stares weren’t secretive and stolen, when he could look, touch; indulge, without the fear of judgment, the fear of being turned away for the sake of public image. So he didn’t look, he didn’t look at the painfully sweet stare that promised him everything or the heartbroken stare that made him feel like he was drowning, he stared straight. His face calm and collected as fans screamed and cheered mixtures of their six names merging into one as he let his mind roam freely, leisure he didn’t often indulge in.

                                                                      *

                      Hakyeon sighed, eyeing the mirror tiredly. The contrast was always striking, never changing in a way. The mirror always reflected the two sides of him. Half his face remained caked in various concealers and foundations, eyes line with subtle black and lashes enlarged with thick chunky mascara. The other half was bare, free of the smothering layers, black bags sagging under his eyes, his skin less tanned, more flawed as some would say. Hakyeon thought it was more appealing then the other half, there was a certain innocent glow to his bare skin, something hidden  that he only shares with those that know the real him. Hakyeon smiles as the cotton pad slowly wipes over his face, erasing all the make-up and revealing him bit by bit. He smiles at himself, a happy smile, one you give on old treasure friend when you meet them again after a long time. He ducks his head, cupping his hands to gather the cold water, splashing his face to wash away all lingering effects of the make-up and removers. He reaches out blindly, hand curling and uncurling a few times in the air before finding the fluffiness of his towel. He wipes his face slowly, sighing at the softness that encases his face. Hands, bigger than his own, clasps his slim hips, pulling him back against a strong body. Hakyeon hides his smile with his towel, lowering it to allow him to meet soft almond shaped eyes in the mirror. Hands, cold against his skin, slid under the soft material of the faded shirt Hakyeon wore, brushing his sides gently before resting under his ribs. No words were need, Hakyeon could trace the movement of Taekwoons eyes in the mirror, the way they devoured his bare face, his innocent smile, his bright eyes. Hakyeon laughed as Taekwoon dug his fingers into the dip under his ribs, massaging the skin in a ticklish way. Hakyeon squirmed in his grasp, head rolling back onto the others shoulder as Hakyeon smoother his giggles in the pale neck presented to him. ‘Sstop! Taekwoonie, stop!’ Hakyeon laughed, his own hands attempting to rest on Taekwoon’s over the shirt. Taekwoon shook his head, his throat vibrating against the skin of Hakyeon’s cheek as he laughed soundlessly. Hakyeon let his muscles relax in the other hold, jerking very few moments in surprise from Taekwoon’s ticklish and teasing fingers. Hakyeon smirked, pressing soft kiss against the soft flesh of Taekwoon’s pulse point before nipping it harshly. Taekwoon growled softly, hands slipping back to grasp Hakyeon’s waist. . Taekwoon turned Hakyeon, allowing the other to rest his hands on his shoulders softly as he grinned. Taekwoon narrowed his eyes disapprovingly but Hakyeon could see the playfulness resting just under the surface.

              ‘Tease’ Taekwoon stated simply, head dipping to brush his lips against Hakyeon ear. Hakyeon shivered slightly, leaning in to press his lips against the corner of Taekwoon’s softly. ‘You can’t say much Taekkie’ Hakyeon mouthed at the skin softly. Taekwoon gulped, hands tightening on his hips softly. Taekwoon groaned softly, pressing the small of Hakyeon’s back against the sink, ‘You’ll be the death of me Cha Hakyeon’.  Hakyeon laughed, hands linking behind Taekwoon’s neck softly, thumbs massaging the skin just below his ears softly, ‘but you love me’. Taekwoon smiled, ‘That, I do’. Soft lips claimed Hakyeons before he could utter another word. Hakyeon melted into the kiss, into the hardness of the sink at his back and the firmness of Taekwoon’s body pressed up against his. He let his mouth go slack, tilting his head when Taekwoon decided he’d had enough of vanilla kisses and bit at Hakyeons bottom lip, tugging at it softly and carefully. Hakyeon smirked, fingers winding into Taekwoon’s hair, pulling him closer. Taekwoon shivered, running his hands down Hakyeon’s toned thighs, tapping his fingers against them a warning before wrapping his hands around them. Hakyeon squealed in shock, mouth never leaving Taekwoons as his hands dropped to grip broad shoulders while being lifted on the edge of the sink. Hakyeon wanted to protest, to scold the other for his actions and possibly endangering the sink but the warmth of Taekwoon’s hands squeezing his thighs as he kissed him harder was too hard to resist. Hakyeon pulled the other closer by wrapping his legs around Taekwoon’s waist, fingers digging into the other’s shoulders in a painful but grounding way.  Taekwoon pulled away, panting softly as Hakyeon whined in displeasure opening his eyes to meet those of a fluster and kiss swollen lipped Taekwoon. Taekwoon only gave the other a small smirk and a teasing peck before pressing his lips to the tanned skin of Hakyeon’s neck, working his way down to the others collar bones that peeked out from the collar of the baggy shirt he was wearing. Hakyeon bit his lip to contain the content sounds he wanted to release, to show the other how much he appreciated the way he was using his mouth to leave bright red marks of possession across his collarbones. ‘Taek…’ Hakyeon moaned softly, a sound for Taekwoon only as the other raised his head. One hand left Hakyeons thigh to cup his cheek, bringing them into a softer, sweeter kiss. Taekwoon took his time, thumb running over the others cheekbone.   

                  ‘I love you’ Taekwoon muttered softly against Hakyeons lips, a bright smile gracing his lips as he pressed continuous soft kisses against Hakyeons lips. Hakyeon laughed, pressing his own lips back against the others, trying to find the words to speak. Taekwoon rarely expressed his emotions out loud, even when it was the two of them, he kept them under lock and key. It never bothered Hakyeon, he knew how to read the others gentle touches, the secret stares, the way he’d card his fingers through Hakyeon’s hair at night, but when Taekwoon willing expressed his emotions, it always took Hakyeons breath away. Taekwoon pressed soft kisses to Hakyeon’s cheeks, loving the feeling of the others soft warm skin asked his lips as Hakyeon’s hands soothed the muscles in the Taekwoon’s back. ‘I know you do Taekwoon, you show me every day and I am so grateful for it’ Hakyeon’s voice was soft, filled with emotions and truth as he massaged the tense muscles in the others shoulder. ‘I just wanted you to know, I don’t say it enough. You worry. I know you do’ Taekwoon murmured gently, arms wrapping around Hakyeon’s waist, hand tangling in dark locks, drawing the slightly older male’s head to rest on his shoulder. Hakyeon took a shaky breath, letting his body go boneless, completely lax and relying on Taekwoon to hold him up. Taekwoon swayed them from side to side softly, pressing his lips against the top of Hakyeons head, enjoying the warmth of the lithe male pressed against him. It always amazed Taekwoon to feel just how easily Hakyeon’s slender body could mold and bend to fit against his own broad one. Hakyeon yawned against Taekwoon’s shoulder, arms lazily draping around Taekwoon’s shoulders. ‘Sleepy baby?’ Taekwoon smiled, twirling strands of brown hair around his fingers. ‘Just a little, but I still need to check on the kids. Hongbin had a high temperature earlier; I want to make sure he’s okay. Hyuk needs to take his hay fever meds and I need to make sure Wonshik isn’t attempting to work himself  to death, he’s always ready running on a short fuse, he’ll burn himself out if he’s not careful’ Hakyeon muttered, lifting his head from the comfort of Taekwoon’s warmth. Taekwoon opened his mouth, wanting to speak but Hakyeon shook his head, pushing the other away gently. Hakyeon titled the head towards the shower, ‘As much as I love you Taek, you need a shower. Like, right now’. Taekwoon glared softly, rolling his eyes before pulling his shirt over his head, offering a hand to Hakyeon hopefully. Hakyeon slipped off the skin, biting his lip as he gazed at the tempting sight before him. Hakyeon shook his head, placing a hand over his eyes, groaning as he made his way towards the door. ‘And you call me a tease Jung Taekwoon! This is unfair torture and you know it mister!’ Hakyeon grumbled angrily, Taekwoon’s soft laughter ringing in his ears as he closed the bathroom door.

                   Hakyeon shook his head, making his way to the kitchen. Sanghyuk was spread over the sofa, long limbs dangling over the edge as he sniffled miserably. Hakyeon sighed, rubbing his temples. Looking after five other people that were constantly sick tired or just grumpy and fed up, was no easy job. He quickly pulled down the box of medicines, sorting through the old prescriptions that had been long forgotten to pull out Sanghyuk’s allergy medication and a bottle of fever reliever. Hakyeon grabbed two small bottles of cola before making his way to the maknae. Sanghyuk was hugging a pillow pitifully, tissues lying around the edge of the sofa, his eyes swollen and nose red. Hakyeon smiled sympathetically, making Sanghyuk jump when he ran a hand through his messy hair, ‘Hey Hyukkie’. Sanghyuk groaned, leaning into Hakyeon’s side as he sat next to the younger. ‘Here, take two, drink this, and go to bed okay?’ Sanghyuk nodded tiredly, sniffling before taking the packet and quickly popping two tablets into his mouth, washing them down with the open bottle of cola that Hakyeon handed to him. ‘Thanks Hyung’ Sanghyuk smiled, nudging Hakyeon with his elbow gratefully. ‘Anytime maknae, now go to sleep okay? We’ve practice early tomorrow morning. Is Hongbin in the room? I need to check his fever’ Hakyeon smiled, ruffling Sanghyuk’s hair. Sanghyuk stood, wobbling slightly on his feet, ‘His in Wonshik Hyung’s room, Wonshik hyung wouldn’t leave his side. Something about Hongbinnie hyung remaining him of Wonshik Hyung’s younger sister’. Hakyeon nodded, picking up the bottle of fever reliever and cola before heading to Wonshik’s room.

             Hakyeon knocked on the door softly, just in case Hongbin was sleeping. ‘Come in’ came Wonshik’s voice softly. Hakyeon entered the room quietly, eyes scanning the dimly lit room to find Wonshik. Wonshik was leaning against the wall, a bowl of water at his side, Hongbin’s head rested in his lap as the other slept soundly. Hongbin’s cheeks were flushed a deep red, contrasting with his pale skin, beads of sweat rolled down his face, a cloth resting on his head. Wonshik gave Hakyeon a soft smile. ‘He finally drifted off to sleep Hyung; he’s temperatures gone down a bit’. Hakyeon nodded, sitting in front of them. ‘Thank you Wonshik, I should be the one looking after him’ Hakyeon sighed, unscrewing the bottle carefully, ‘Can you lift him a bit? He needs to take this or he won’t get better’. Wonshik nodded reluctantly, gently lifting Hongbin’s weak body into a sitting position. ‘Binnie? Binnie can you hear me?’ Hakyeon coaxed softly, hating the idea of waking the sick boy. Hongbin whined softly, hands gripping the blanket as he blinked his eyes open deliriously, ‘H-Hyung?”. Hakyeon smiled softly, wiping some of the sweat from Hongbin’s cheeks softly, ‘Hey Binnie, how are you feeling?’. ‘Sore, tired, I want to sleep Hyung’ Hongbin whined softly, eyes barely staying open. ‘I know Binnie, and you can. But first I need you to drink some of this medicine to make the fever go down, okay?’ Hongbin nodded feebly, opening his mouth as Hakyeon tipped the spoon filled with medicine into his mouth. Wonshik carded his fingers through Hongbin’s hair, muttering soft reassurances to him. ‘That’s it Binnie, you can sleep now okay’ Hakyeon smiled as Hongbin smiled in relief, eyes losing as Wonshik lowered him back down so his head rested in his lap. ‘Take care of him and yourself okay? I’ll tell Manger Hyung that you two won’t be joining us until after lunch time tomorrow and to cancel what he can of Hongbin’s schedules for the next two days’ Hakyeon smiled. Wonshik visibly relaxed, giving Hakyeon a thankful look as the other slipped out of the door.

                Hakyeon could hear the soft shuffle of Taekwoon in the bedroom, his soft hums in response to Sanghyuk’s sleep dulled voice. Hakyeon smiled, just listening to the soft sound of their chatter as they readied themselves for bed before another hectic day. Hakyeon glanced over the room, frown etching into his face at the sight of Jaehwan sitting on the floor, eyes fixed on something outside the windows. There was something about the way he was sitting, utterly still with slumped shoulders, that made Hakyeon’s heart clench. Hakyeon padded over softly, nudging Jaehwan’s hip with his foot softly, ‘Can I sit with you Jae? You seem kind of lonely’. Jaehwan shrugged, not giving an answer or tearing his eyes away from the view of Seoul outside their window. Hakyeon worried his lip between his teeth, glancing at the other. Jaehwan’s face was voice of emotion but his lips and arms trembled. ‘Jae, you know you can talk to me, right?’ Hakyeon spoke softly, reaching out a hand to rest on Jaehwan’s shoulder. Jaehwan’s cold hand slapped his away before it could touch Jaehwan, his voice low and venomous, ‘No, I can’t. And why would I want to talk to you Hakyeon? Why on earth would I want to trust you?’ Hakyeon blinked, cradling his stinging hand softly, ‘Jae…what…what do you mean?’ Jaehwan glared over the tops of his knees, eyes burning with angry tears as he looked at the leader. ‘It’s all your fault hyung! I was happy, I had hoped! And I pretend to be fine but do you really need to go ting around with him every chance you get? You won Hakyeon! You broke me, took everything I dreamed of from me and now you act as if you care?’ Hakyeon moved back, the words slapping him in the chest as his mouth hung open, trying to form words. ‘Oh so now a cats got your tongue? Or is it just damaged from trying to keep him entertained and happy? Cause that’s what you do isn’t it, you do whatever it takes to keep him needing you. That’s how you won isn’t it Hyung, on your knees?’ Jaehwan spat angrily, crawling towards Hakyeon. Hakyeon moved back in shock, tears pricking his eyes. His eyes landed on the empty bottles of Soju that had been hidden behind Jaehwan’s body. ‘Jaehwan, Jae…I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you but these words aren’t really you. You’re drunk Jae, let me take care of you’ Hakyeon pleaded softly as he attempted to stand. Jaehwan growled softly, grabbing Hakyeon’s shirt and pulling him to the ground roughly. Hakyeon yelped as he hit the ground, smacking his head off the hard wood floor as Jaehwan climbed onto him.

                  Hakyeon was speechless as Jaehwan gazed down at him, cheeks flushed from the alcohol and tears rolling down his cheeks. ‘I asked him first. I befriended him, worked every day to be less annoying so I could be trusted by him. He was letting me in and then I made my move. I confessed. He asked for time, he was thinking about it, thinking about letting me love him. And then you happened, you stole him from me without any consideration’ Jaehwan sobbed, his hands fisted in Hakyeons shirt, his tears hitting Hakyeons skin. Hakyeon rested his hands over Jaehwan’s, ignoring the pain in the back of his head. ‘Oh God Jae, I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that. I didn’t know you’d confessed, I didn’t even know you were interested until a month ago when you I caught you staring at him during a fan signing. I know I’ve been selfish Jaehwan, I know it’s hurting you but I didn’t think it was this painful for you, I am so sorry’ Hakyeon spoke shakily, trying to calm the other. ‘You broke me hyung. He said he’d think about it, that he thought he could grow to care about me like I did for him but he just needed to think. And I know he would have said yes Hyung, he’s too caring to say otherwise. He could have learned to love me hyung but then you confessed. You messed everything up and suddenly he was ‘sorry’ and he ‘never could have felt the same way because of Hakyeon’’ Jaehwan sobbed, pulling his hands from Hakyeons, ‘He asked me for time but he accepted you straight away, he didn’t hesitate to let you in. He just loved you from that moment on without even considering anyone else. It’s your fault Hyung’. Jaehwan’s hands thumped against Hakyeons chest weakly, making Hakyeon wince but he was already drowning in the truth of Jaehwan words, the reality he’d been ignoring. He’d pushed Jaehwan’s heartbroken longing stares to the back of his mind, ignored the guilt that had forced him not meet Taekwoon’s loving or worried ones. He’d known all along that Jaehwan had been suffering yet for the sake of his own sanity he’d pushed it back as nothing. He’d let Jaehwan, one of the people he was meant to care for, suffer alone all this time while he had selfishly indulged in Taekwoon’s affection. ‘It is my fault Jaehwan and I wish I could fix this. I wish I could make everything go away, make you stop hurting’ Hakyeon sobbed softly, pulling himself into a sitting position, cradling the other boy to his chest. Jaehwan sobbed tiredly against his neck, ‘You can, just give him back hyung. Give him back to me and it’ll all go away. It’ll all get better’. Hakyeon bit his lip, body shaking with soft sobs as he held Jaehwan tighter, wishing he could do what the younger asked, that it would be that simple. Hakyeon would give his life for s to be healthy and happy but he was only human, there was only so much he could do. He was selfish, terribly selfish for he knew he couldn’t give up Taekwoon. He couldn’t turn his back on everything he’s finally gotten after working up the courage to take it. Hakyeon cried. He cried for Jaehwan, the poor soul that had gotten hurt in the crossfire, for Taekwoon the love he craved for selfishly and for himself, for the sins he’d committed against s.

                                                                       *

               Taekwoon frowned as Hakyeon ducked under his arm, avoiding his touch and stare. He watched the man he loved disappear into the practice room once again. His voice instantly filled with a fake happiness that made the others laugh and joke along with him. He knew none of them could see the tiredness that hugged Hakyeon’s slender frame, etched into his every move. That they couldn’t read the whirlpool of emotions that danced in his tired eyes like Taekwoon could. It hurt; it hurt to see Hakyeon so distant and wary around him. It had been weeks since the night in the bathroom, the night he’d crawled out of bed in the middle of the night to find Hakyeon asleep against the window with a puffy eyed Jaehwan in his arms. Neither of them had said much once he woke them. Jaehwan had ran to the bathroom, wrenching up the contents of his stomach before falling asleep on the sofa, claiming it to be the safest place for his upset stomach.. Hakyeon had headed to their shared mattress, his back turned towards Taekwoon, trembling but silent as Taekwoon pulled the other into his arms and molded them together in order to sleep. Hakyeon hadn’t said a word and Jaehwan was just as silent about that night, simply smiling and laughing off all of Taekwoons questions and inquisitive looks. It was after that night that Hakyeon had start keeping his distance. It started with Hakyeon pushing Taekwoon away when he attempting to deep a kiss or initiate some form of intimate action, a simple, ‘Not tonight Taek, I’m tired’ or ‘can you just cuddle me? I feel like right now Taek…’ making Taekwoon stop and hold the other close as he shut down. The cuddles stopped soon after, Hakyeon started avoiding any situation that would leave them alone together. He’d started staying late at practices, going out more with fellow cast mates or meeting up with Ryeowook Sunbaenim or leaders of other idol groups. His world seemed to have gotten busier, fuller than ever and Taekwoon didn’t seem to fit into Hakyeon’s new schedule. H didn’t have a place in Hakyeons busy life aside from a morning kiss and some soft stares through the bathroom mirror.

               It didn’t help that Jaehwan seemed to be constantly around either of them. His stares intensifying at fan meetings. Although the subject of them were different. Taekwoon no longer received heavy heartbroken stares or stares laden with want and hurt. No, it was now Hakyeon that received Jaehwan’s stares. It was Hakyeon that shifted uncomfortably under Jaehwan’s guilt ridden stares, making Taekwoon burn with anger because sometimes Jaehwan’s stares were too affectionate and started appearing on the internet. Fans now jumping to forge a connection between the 4D main vocal and the leader, digging up all photographs and fan accounts of their interactions and filling the Vixx and Hakyeon tag with them. Taekwoon trusted Hakyeon, he trusted him more than he’d ever trusted another outside of his family members. His high school friends didn’t even receive as much trust as Hakyeon did. Yet here he was, watching as the man he trusted and loved drifted away from him, the distance and coldness between them almost painfully palpable. Yet Jaehwan was allowed get close, Jaehwan who’d never shown any interest in Hakyeon besides making him or pranking the other members with him, was now able to sling his arms around the older and pull him close at certain times. It was Jaehwan who received half hearted smiles when he questions the other and it was killing Taekwoon. It was burning him from the inside out to watch Hakyeon abandon everything they had, to go from teasing kisses to barely there pecks on the lips when they woke up. Taekwoon’s eyes pricked with tears as he slammed a fist against the door frame, ignoring the worried look Hongbin, who was close by, threw him. He settled for walking away, stalking down the hallway until he found his practice room. Taekwoon slammed the door, locking it behind him. He didn’t turn on the lights He let his body slide down the door, arms wrapping around knees, phone in hand texting their manager saying he needed to work alone on vocals and to leave without him. Taekwoon rested his head on his knees, holding himself together in whatever way he could as he finally allowed his emotions to emerge. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks as he bit the inside to stop himself making any noise. Making a noise meant weakness, admitting that he wasn’t as okay as he seemed to be. Taekwoon was the strong one, the one strong enough for Hakyeon to turn too when he had nowhere else left to run yet no Hakyeon was running in the opposite direction.

                       All Taekwoon wanted was Hakyeon. It was his every dream; every nightmare he ever had was of losing Hakyeon or Hakyeon leaving. It seemed like his worst nightmare was coming true as Hakyeon slipped further and further away with each passing day. He was slipping through his fingers, disappearing without a word, without explanation.  Taekwoon lifted his head, letting it bang against the door with a dull thud, a hand raking shakily through his hair. The thoughts of losing Hakyeon terrified him more than he would ever admit, more than he’d ever thought he’d fear losing someone. A knock on the door made Taekwoon’s head ache. He didn’t want to talk to people, now more than ever. He wanted to be left alone to wallow in his depressive thoughts like the sixteen year old teenage girl that he felt he was. He ignored the knocking; praying whoever it was would go away but was proven wrong when he heard Jaehwan’s voice. ‘Hyung, hyung please talk to me. It’s…it’s about Hakyeon Hyung…it’s all my fault Hyung…please…’ Jaehwan begged, knocking feebly. Taekwoon stood, unlocking and opening the door, allowing the younger to come inside. Jaehwan stumbled through the door nervously, hoping from foot to foot as he stood under Taekwoons intense gaze. ‘Speak’ Taekwoon demanded, his voice sounding colder than it ever had. Jaehwan turned his gaze to the floor, ‘Hakyeon feels guilty. That’s why he’s avoiding you. He doesn’t want to hurt me and he’s scared of tearing the group apart with his selfish ways when it’s me that was selfish Hyung. It’s all my fault Hyung’. Taekwoon could hear the guilt and hurt in Jaehwan’s voice, his gaze lessening softly, ‘Explain Jaehwan’.  Jaehwan nodded, ‘That night you woke us up in the living, I wasn’t sick. I had seen you and Hakyeon in the bathroom and I got jealous, upset. I got drunk and I said some things, horrible things to Hyung when he attempted to comfort me. I blamed him for everything, for you choosing him over me even though I know you always loved him, you explained that and I accepted it but it was hard. I won’t lie it still hurt and I got jealous of Hakyeon for being able to crack your walls when I didn’t even get a chance. I was drunk and stupid and I asked him to make it go away and I think that’s what he’s trying to do Hyung. He’s trying to get you to leave him so it’ll stop hurting me but I don’t want that, I can handle my pain as long as you are happy’. Taekwoon ran a hand over his face angrily. ‘It’s you? Your why Hakyeon won’t even speak to me?’ Taekwoon tried to keep the anger from his voice but by Jaehwan’s flinch he wasn’t doing a great job of it. ‘I’m so sorry Hyung, I was stupid an out of line, I was selfish. I couldn’t let you go despite you finally being happy. I wanted to be the one to bring you out of your shell and I was jealous. Just, just don’t lose him Hyung. He is hurting himself to try drive you back to me so I won’t be sad anymore but I can’t stand this’ Jaehwan sobbed softly, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Taekwoon soften at the sight, pulling Jaehwan into a soft hug, whispering soft reassurances to the sobbing boy before detaching himself. Jaehwan nodded, not letting Taekwoon speak, uttering a soft phrase, ‘Go find him’.

                     Hakyeon wiped his face gently, trying to see his reflection in steam distorted mirror. He only caught glimpses of his tired, pale face, his tear puffed eyes and swollen eye bags. Hakyeon waned to laugh, laugh at how a few weeks ago he’d been admiring the beauty he’d seen in his bare face and now, now it was the most pathetic thing he’d ever seen in his life.  It was sad and dead looking, almost dreary and dull. Hakyeon wanted to cream but he couldn’t, he was too tired to even try making a noise.  Keeping his distance from Taekwoon had started to take its toll on him physically. Hakyeon found himself tired and worn own from trying to avoid the younger, from ducking out of his range, out of his grasp when all he wanted to do was throw himself into Taekwoons arms. He craved to have Taekwoon shower him in affection, to hold him and sooth all his worries like he used to but Hakyeon couldn’t. Every time Taekwoon got close he was reminded of Jaehwan. He was reminded of the desperation in his voice, the tears and endless pain Jaehwan had suffered due to him. Thanks to his selfishness. Hakyeon accepted his suffering in silence, accepted the pain that came with distancing himself from the one person who he wanted the most in the world. The only one who offered him safety and home, a place to feel loved and rested without having to smear on make-up and a smile. Taekwoon accepted him for all of him and he had selfishly taken all he was given and more. He had loved selfishly and freely, taking all he could and never caring about the collateral damage. Now he knew, he knew the pain he caused, the life he’d made dark by his selfish needs. Hakyeon leant his elbows on the sink of the company wash room, not caring about the old air caressing his bare upper torso. Hakyeon covered his eyes, pushing back the tears as a new wave of guilt tried to overwhelm him, making him gasp for air as he let out a dry sound, a painful sound that echoed off the damp walls and empty shower stalls.

              Familiar hands wound their way around his hips, fingers brushing along his stomach making his muscles flutter under the familiar warmth. Hakyeon kept his head lower, face covered, biting the inside of his cheek to stop any type of sound escaping him as he shook. ‘Talk to me Hakyeon, please’ Taekwoons soft voice asked, washing over him like calming waves after a storm. Hakyeon wanted to turn and throw his arms around him, to draw him and beg for forgiveness but he couldn’t. It would be selfish, unbelievably so to crack after trying for a few weeks. ‘I’m fine Taekwoon, head home’ Hakyeon managed to keep his voice somewhat calm. Taekwoons hands soothed up his stomach, resting under his ribs. ‘Then why are you shaking?’ Taekwoon question softly, hand pressing against Hakyeons chest softly, raising him to lean back against him. Hakyeon kept his hands over his face, ignoring the warmth of Taekwoon pressed against him, the comfort he provided. ‘I can’t do this Taekwoon, I can’t do this anymore’ Hakyeon sobbed softly, words muffled by his hand. Taekwoon pressed his face against Hakyeon hair, holding back his own sobs, ‘Hakyeon you are not selfish. I know Jaehwan hurt you really badly and you think that this is the right thing to do but you can’t fix this by hurting yourself baby, it doesn’t work that way’. Hakyeon shook in Taekwoon’s arms, struggling to attempt to break free from Taekwoons hold but Taekwoon just cradled him against his body, refusing to let the other break free. ‘Let me go Taek, just please let me go. If you let me go I can fix this. You can learn to hate me and maybe to love Jae the way he deserves. I know he would never be selfish with his love for you; he could love you so much more than I can because I am too selfish Taekwoon. I’m just a selfish man that doesn’t deserve   you’ Hakyeon sobbed, his knees giving in as Taekwoon held him up. Taekwoon shook softly against the others back as he broke, weeks of frustration and hurt emerging at once. ‘I was so selfish Taekwoon. I ignored what was happening right in front of me for my own selfish reason. I didn’t want to see him hurt. I didn’t want to admit that I was hurting him by being happy with you, I didn’t want to be the bad guy but I am and I can’t live with that. With the guilt. It’s eating me up and I just want everyone to be happy even if it means I’ll never be’ Hakyeon sobbed, turning to burying his face in chest.

                  Taekwoon held him protectively, hand carding through Hakyeons brown hair. ‘I am sorry Hakyeon but it won’t work. Not everyone would be happy. I wouldn’t be happy without you. You can’t decide how I feel, you can decide that you not being here in my arms is better for me than having you’ Taekwoon whispered softly, feeling the coolness of Hakyeons tears through his shirt. Hakyeon sniffled in his arms. Taekwoon had never seen the other so small, so broken. Hakyeon had always been a strong person despite his frame. He was never weak, always bright and calm, even when his mother fell and need surgery for her hip he’d remained calm. He’d always been a pillar of support for everyone around him but now he was a broken boy suffering under his own conscious. Hakyeon had kept it all in but now Taekwoon could see all the cracks, the effect it all had on Hakyeons body and mind. ‘You could be happy, you could be happier without me Taekwoon’ Hakyeon whispered against Taekwoons collar bone. Taekwoon held him protectively, resting his head on top of Hakyeons. ‘I wouldn’t be happy; I never would be without you Hakyeon. You’re my light, my bright light at the end of the tunnel. The warm and safe home that I return to everyday. You’re the one who broke all my walls, busted them without a care and showed me that it’s okay to love’ Taekwoon whispered soothingly, hands running down the expanse of Hakyeons back. ‘You’re only ever known me, how do you know that there isn’t someone better for you out there?’ Hakyeon sniffled, raising his head, dislodging Taekwoons as teary eyes met Taekwoons sad and loving ones. Taekwoon placed a hand on his cheek, thumb brushing away the tears. ‘You wanted to know what my worst nightmare was, yes.’ Taekwoon asked softly. Hakyeon nodded, tears dropping from his face, ‘You said it was falling’. Taekwoon shook his head, pressing a soft kiss to Hakyeons forehead, ‘It isn’t falling, it feels like falling. I feel liking I am falling, spiraling in a pit of hopelessness and despair. I’m falling because you left. The dream is different but it always has you leaving. Sometimes for another man or woman, sometimes because I couldn’t save you and you die and sometimes I…I hurt you and you leave. It’s always you leaving and me spiraling into depression without you Hakyeon. So I know, I know that I will never be happy if you leave me’. Hakyeon gazed at him with watery eyes, ‘Honestly?’ Taekwoon his cheek softly, nodding, ‘I could never lie to you Hakyeon’. Hakyeon smiled through his tears, wrapping his arms around Taekwoons neck, ‘Don’t let me go, like ever, please’. Taekwoon kissed his temple lovingly, ‘I wouldn’t dream of it baby’.

                    Jaehwan smiled, his chest feeling lighter than it had in days as he gazed at the two oldest members of their group of mismatched weirdo’s. Taekwoon was lying back on a blanket on the soft grass of Hakyeon’s parents back garden. His parents had gone away for a week and their manager thought it would be good for them to take a break away from Seoul. Taekwoon was propped up on his elbows, Hakyeon lying back against his chest, head resting on one of Taekwoon’s broad shoulder. Hakyeon had a finger pointed towards the sky, his voice soft so Jaehwan could only hear murmurs of conversation but it sounded as if he were describing the constellations and making pictures out of the stars. Anyone else would have viewed this weird habit of Hakyeons as strange and childish but Jaehwan could see the love and adoration in Taekwoons eyes as he listen carefully like missing a word of what Hakyeon was saying would kill him. Hakyeon stopped, finger still pointed towards the sky as he turned his gaze to Taekwoon. Taekwoon gave him a smile that Jaehwan had never seen, one so bright and pure that it was almost blinding before he leant in to kiss Hakyeon slowly ad deeply. In a way that made Jaehwan want to gag and tease them but he could bring himself to ruin the moment, especially when it left Hakyeon speechless and flushed like school girl with her first crush. Jaehwan enjoyed the light feeling it gave him, the feeling of knowing that despite his drunken confessions, he’d managed to save their relationship. That he’d prevent Hakyeon from drowning in guilt and self hate. It had taken time but Jaehwan had let go, let himself stop caring about the 'what ifs'. He’d seen what the selfish actions of his heart had caused and vowed only to be selfish in love like Hakyeon was. To allow himself to drown in the love that came with finding that one special person, to allow them to drown everything out like it had for Hakyeon. ‘Jaehwan Hyung! Hey! Are you even paying attention to the grill?’ Sanghyuk called, elbowing the other in side. Jaehwan smiled at him goofily, tearing his eyes away from the cuddling couple who were lost in the stars. ‘Don’t worry maknae, Ken-jumma always knows what he is doing’ Jaehwan laughed, turning to chat with Sanghyuk and watch as Wonshik and Hongbin argued over their high scores on Angry bird.