Kangin laid in his bed in the dark of the night, the soft material of the mattress underneath him. He sighed and flipped to his other side, unable to fall asleep. Kangin squeezed the fluffy pillow that his head was resting on and squirmed in discomfort. He should have been happy to return back to his original life. He should be jumping with joy to reunite with his fellow bandmates. But he wasn't. Kangin simply couldn't find the joy in his once normal life anymore. And when he laid in his bed that night, he couldn't help but think that it was all just a waste of time.

Leaving for two years to attend military service had changed him in ways he never thought possible. The bed there was stiff, the pillows rock hard; it wasn't a luxurious place at all. It was a place of discomfort and disappointment for Kangin, something that he was forced to get used to. But that was the least of his problems during military. It was the pain and the tragedy he suffered through that affected and bothered him the most.

Kangin saw his comrades and friends die right in front of his eyes. He saw them get shot, attacked, ambushed, and even blown to pieces. They were all traumatizing thoughts that refused to leave his mind. Kangin saw the way the world would end; in darkness and destruction.

That was probably one of the few times that Kangin had cried to himself. It was all too much for him to handle. There were so many times where he risked his life for others, for his country. So many chances for him to get killed.

Kangin shook his head to clear his thoughts, fully awake. He stood up slowly and walked to the window to get some fresh air. That was when a machine gun fired.

Kangin jumped at the loud popping noise, knocking down a chair in his room in the process. He dove for the floor, banging his head against the wall, but pain was meaningless at the moment as his instincts kicked in. He was breathing as quietly as he could, his heart beating faster than normal. There was another popping sound.
Kangin squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep those dreadful memories out, but it proved fruitless.

An image of a lifeless body appeared in the darkness of his mind. Kangin cried out in pain and buried his head deeper into the floor. He saw the empty stare in that poor man's eyes. His mouth was slightly ajar as his head was lolled to the side, unmoving. The dead soldier's clothing was stained a bloody red, and his right hand was nowhere to be found. Kangin's thoughts were interrupted when another popping sound occured outside, followed by laughter.

Kangin opened his eyes, his senses sharpened. He shakily reached for the blinds and wrenched it to the side with a sharp breath, only to see a group of reckless teenagers playing with firecrackers in the street.

He let out a sigh in relief and closed the blinds, rubbing his temples. The careless laughter he heard from those teenagers remained in his mind, creating confusion wihin himself. Laughter. It was unnecessary and unfamiliar to him. How ironic that he used to be one of the jokesters in Super Junior. Now he wasn't so sure.

With a sigh he walked down to the kitchen to fix himself some food to distract him. He needed something to relieve him of the burden of his thoughts. He needed something to take away his stress.

He started slicing fruit, still deep in thought, when a shimmer of light caught his eye. He stopped cutting and looked around warily, his senses keen. The only light he saw was the blinding brightness coming from a nearby lamp. With a shrug, he turned back to his fruit. But another shimmer of light appeared in his line of vision again.

Kangin picked up the knife slowly, the light reflecting off of its shiny surface. It intrigued him in ways he couldn't understand. He hesitantly raised a finger and ran it across the sharp edge, hesitating at the point.

The thoughts of his now dead companions immediately flooded his mind and he winced at the pain of remembering. He remembered their screams piercing the air right before a grenade blew up unexpectedly in front of their feet. He remembered the way they suffocated from the sulfur. He remembered so much, far too much for his liking, and he wanted to forget. He wanted to forget everything.

Kangin raised the knife to his arm, sliding it across slowly, but not deep enough to make a cut. He closed his eyes, mesmerized by the cool touch. His friends were lucky
to be killed in action. It was so much better than waking up to the fear of war every single day.

Kangin drew in a sharp breath as the knife accidentally dug a little deeper in his son. His breathing grew ragged as he stared at the minuscule amount of blood coating the tip of the knife. The cut was nothing compared to the wounds he faced during war. He could take so much more.

Kangin realized what he was doing and threw the knife in the sink with a loud clatter, ultimately forgetting about his night snack. He was disgusted with himself. He was disgusted for even thinking death was better than what he was going through. His thoughts were disrupted when a soft call of his name was heard.

He whipped around, clutching the sink as he faced the worried expression on Leeteuk's face, as he rubbed his eyes, attempting to rub away the tiredness. Kangin was even more disgusted with himself when staring at the leader in front of him. He couldn't leave Super Junior, because he knew it would only build to the stress Leeteuk was going through, and Leeteuk was going through enough problems at the moment. Kangin didn't need to add to that.

Leeteuk shifted his gaze to the blood trickling down slowly from the cut in his arm. He stopped rubbing his eyes and let his arm fall beside him. He was surprised, but he didn't plan to ask him. He tentatively walked towards him win an outstretched arm.

"What...what are you doing, Kangin-ah?" Kangin shrugged and turned around to face the window, ashamed with himself. Leeteuk came to stand next to him and peered out to the dark buildings.

"I just came down here when I heard a loud noise. I was...I was worried." Leeteuk stated quietly, only adding to the guilt for Kangin. When he said nothing, Leeteuk turned back to the window.

"I've always thought that the darkness was so peaceful." Leeteuk mentioned, moving closer to him. Kangin furrowed his eyebrows together and looked towards the tall silhouettes.

He wished he could have agreed.

Two years ago, he would have. Now, however, he could no longer find the peace. In war, he saved prisoners from crumbling buildings, or buildings on fire. There was no such thing as peace or tranquility for him. The war may have stopped, but the war inside him was just at the beginning.

And now as he looked out to the scenery, all he could see were crumbling buildings, with lifeless soldiers and citizens scattered all over the streets. Kangin squeezed his eyes shut, pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from the window. The peace that Leeteuk saw was just destrucion lying in its wake in Kangin's eyes. He felt a small hand rest on his shoulder and flinched from the touch. He wasn't used to affection during military. But when he raised his eyes to meet Leeteuk's, he saw the care swimming in those brown orbs.

"I'm glad you're back, Kangin. I've missed you - uh, we've all missed you." Leeteuk blushed and looked down to the counter as soon as he corrected himself. Kangin caught his slip-up and cracked a small smile. He couldn't help but feel good. It's been a while since he felt true happiness.

Kangin slowly reached out his arm to pull Leeteuk close to him. Affectionate gestures were uncommon for him, so he treasured them. Leeteuk smiled and rested his forehead on Kangin's shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"I'm glad you're safe." Leeteuk mumbled. Kangin chuckled a little and tightened his hold. It was no doubt that time in military affected him. But when Kangin looked down to the blonde hair on Leeteuk's head, he felt a flutter of hope rise within him. He was wrong this whole time. He could change, because in the midst of all the smoke and destruction, Leeteuk was there, shining brightly like the star he was.

And maybe, just maybe, Kangin could learn to care and love a little more.