Jihyun POV

“Why?” My cousin sent me a text. “I can’t.” I replied. Dream, my cousin, was always my shelter. Whenever I had problems with my family, he would be there for me even he knew it might become fighting against my father. My cousin had been so supportive to me and my uality. Yes, I am a lesbian. People who knew me was all like “What?! You must be kidding me right?!” He was not an exception but he was the one who supported me from the very first beginning. Last month, I made a decision and he still supported me even he was really against what I was going to do.

Years ago, before I was labelled as a lesbian, I was a good girl in their eyes, including my family. My results at school were great. Teachers loved me and had a lot of hopes on me, so was my family, especially my father. He loved me. People might have doubts about it but I know he loved me, just that sometimes he was really worried about my love life and how I got contacts with boys. He strictly banned me from contacting with any male friends. With high expectations from my family, I could only study in a girls’ school. Under that circumstance, I could barely have male friends and he had to block those tiny chances from me but I understood. He loved me.

Once I got graduated from High School, my father sent me to L.A., studying abroad. Studying abroad was like writing a whole new page of me. It was a wonderful chance for me to breathe freely, without hesitating. Not that I wanted to escape from my family, it was sort of a chance for me to figure out who I really am. With the first two years living in L.A., I had to admit that I was totally not used to their enthusiasm. The way the western people greet each other was something I never experienced in Korea, not to mention that my father would definitely ban me from even just shake boys’ hands as greetings. And there was a classmate named Kim. We shared the same subjects. We were paired up in most of the lessons as a group, doing group projects together. She was elegant, like those you could always see in movies, a typical hot blonde girl. More time to spend with her, more I found myself falling for her. I was not sure that I fell for her until the night I saw her hanging out with another guy who has been having a crush on her, without telling me.

That night I finished my part time work and was on my way to home. Kim was coming out with that guy from the restaurant we usually hung out at after school. I could see her bright smiles which she would only do that to me. She was grinning wide for the boy who she claimed she did not have a thing for him. The guy gave her a kiss and she obviously enjoyed it. Without noticing frowns on my face, I only found my heart aching, tightening and squeezing. All I could feel was anger filling my head and the pain flowing up in my heart. Arriving at home, I received her text as usual but the only thing changed was that something happened to her tonight. I mute my phone so that I could stop myself from being anxious for waiting for her texts, then I threw it away. As expected, she texted me like crazy after ignoring her first message. The phone screen never switched off as her messages kept arriving.

After finishing a shower, I still remember it was 2:45am and my housemates were all asleep. It was late and I was ready for bed also. However, a call rang us all up, waking my housemates up and scaring the of me. It was Kim calling my home.

“What the is with your friend?” My roommate threw the phone to me.

I took the phone and slipped out of the room as I did not want to disturb my roommate anymore. Kim and I had a long talk and she confessed to me. Basically, we both confessed to each other. From that night on, we became a couple. Kim was such a nice girl that she treated me as a princess. No one dares to lay a finger on me under her protection. It is said that love makes you blind and it is true. As much as I love her, it would be as much as I am blind for her mistakes. Within 3 months, I sensed that she was seeing someone else but I tended to ignore it as I loved her way too much that I could not live without her. But things could never be easy to me. Eventually, Kim broke up with me. People said love is not easy but I never knew that it was that hard. It hurt, it ing hurt. From all my friends’ experiences, I always knew that it would take ages to recover from breaking up with your first love; however, no one told me that it would have almost killed me.

Coming to L.A., I had no one but my cousin, Dream, to talk with, even we only talked on MSN Messenger. Dream was the only relative that knew about this. I told him everything and I came out of the closet to him. It was like digging out all my stuffs from my heart. At least I relieved after telling him. At least I had someone to talk to about this. He was shocked at the photo of me and my ex-girlfriend, not at the fact that I am a lesbian but at the fact that we are both girlish girls, all so feminine. At that night, I once felt that I could be myself. The true side of me was always the best of me but my family did not agree so. I confessed to them way before telling my cousin and all I got was a hang-up-sound. My father was so pissed at me and he asked me to go back to Seoul once I graduated. Of course I did so since I did not want our relationships to go worse. Back to Seoul, I am still a lesbian. I could not understand that why my father could not get the point that I am still his daughter no matter what my uality is. And he thought forcing me back to Seoul would be changing my behavior towards girls and my uality.

Everything was so wrong but again I got it, he loved me. Indeed, moving back to Seoul was hard for me to find a girlfriend as my father was being so strict to me again. Once he got time, he arranged something like speed dating for me with different guys. However, none of them could touch my heart. Again, I started to date girls again, hiding my girlfriend from my family again. As usual, I could only talk with my cousin who had been always supporting me. He even helped me keep my secrets from my family. There was another night that I was arranged to attend speed dating again. It was the only speed dating that I would love to go as I could see that beautiful lady again. I was not interested into it until I met that girl named Heo Gayoon when I visited the company. The way I acted so enthusiastic towards to arrangement simply pleased my father who truly thought I was sort of turning straight again.

The night finally arrived. That girl, Gayoon, was the host of the speed dating. With a simple plain black silky one piece and a pair of black high heels, she looked absolutely gorgeous at that night and I could not take my eyes off her along with my smiles. Boys were all faking gentleman. Afterall, they only wanted with the girls here. Gayoon was hosting the show for 10 pairs and we did share some ambiguous eye-contacts. But still, I was not sure if she was thinking that same as I did. The boy sitting opposite me was praising my beauty and my typical eye-smiles. As a return, I gave him my kind and polite smiles and replies. Soon, the speed dating ended with a happy atmosphere. Pairings got their partners and started their real dates outside. What about me? I stayed until the last, so was another guy. Giving her a smirk, I went to the toilet for fixing my make-up. The moment I came out, I spotted the restaurant was empty already. Disappointment was written on my face. That girl is definitely my favourite type, sweet and stunning.

As I walked back to my car, I spotted the girl standing beside my car. Slowly, I walked towards her with a huge smile on my face.

“Nam Jihyun? What a beautiful name with her beautiful car here.” She states with smiles on her face, folding her arms together, leaning her back on my car. Her body blocks the way I could open the door.

“Yes, I am. What do you want, Miss Heo?” I folded my arms as well, giving her smirks, leaning on my car as well.

“I actually have seen your file in our company for so many times and I find you so attractive but somehow you never picked one from our clients after the dates.” The way she spoke was so elegant as if you were enjoying an artistic movie, making you falling for her.

“That’s the reason why you are standing here?” I guess my face showed sadness on it, making her smiles fade away. She moved away and stared at me.

“I’m here because I wanna date you.” All of a sudden, she placed her lips on mine. It freaked me out as I could never expect a kiss from this stunning lady, not to mention that we had just met. Soon, she pulled out.

“Be my Valentine, would you?” She asked.

Yes it was just two weeks before Valentine’s Day. No more hiding my feelings tonight, smiles covered my face. Her lips greet mine again, happily. Time flied as our relationship went deeper and deeper, much faster than I thought. Lovey-dovey was never my style but Gayoon made me feel like living with it every day and I loved it. Surprisingly, she was the only girl among my girlfriends that had never fought with me. We never had a quarrel over something. It felt slightly unbelievably good yet scary to me as I had no idea when this would be taken away.

My luck always betrayed me, so was my family. My father held my phone tight and shouted on me one night.

“Are you dating someone?!” He then threw my phone on the floor. My phone was broken for sure.

“Why are you doing this to me?!” I shouted back, picking up my broken phone immediately. I could smell his anger, the fire in his eyes.

“Are you dating someone named Heo Gayoon!” He shouted out loud, loud enough to hurt my ear.

Tears started to fall. I tried to act tough. Suddenly, I could only feel pain on my face, on my reddened face. A slap, he gave me a slap without any reason.

“I thought you started to date a boy but in fact you’re going back to that wrong path again?! Who made you become this? Who turned you into someone I don’t even know? I shouldn’t have sent you to L.A.” He questioned me. I was hurt. His questions shot me thousands of times.

“I’m gay. I’m a lesbian and this is…” My words were cut off as he gave me another slap.

“Stop it! Enough! You’re sick!” He shouted.

I could see mom crying at the back. It must be painful for her to watch her two loves fighting. Tears blurred my sight, my mind. My mind was only left with his words: You’re sick! Am I really sick for being a lesbian? I grabbed my phone and ran into my room, locking myself up. Crying my heart out, I doubt myself if I really made a mistake to like girls. Why was my father against the fact his daughter is a lesbian? Why? Why was I the one who to blame? I cannot help but call my cousin, telling him everything again. He comforted me as usual and asked me if I wanted to move out, sharing the house with him. As peeking at my phone, such misbehavior from my father was something I was really against.

Thinking twice for a week, I decided to move out. There was no doubt that my family disagreed but I already did when they were all out for some family activity. And the fact that I was living with my cousin instead of Gayoon was also giving my family a relief at least. Gayoon was freaked out when I told her about the night my father spied on our conversation and shocked at the fact I moved out. Sometimes she would visit me at my cousin’s house, spending time with me as much as possible to show me secure. She was really sweet that she never forced me to move in with her, instead, she did everything to make me feel comfortable. She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. However, even I moved out, the pressure from my father had never gone. In fact, it increased much more as the moment I moved out, my father was extremely pissed. Our relationships had only gone worse but not better. Within a month, the days living in my cousin’s house were truly the second best of my life but they were also the darkest moment in my family.

To stop making things worse, I moved back even Gayoon and my cousin stopped me. No one could save the family but me. And the moment I decided to move back, I knew there would not be a chance for me and Gayoon. Thus, the best way to save my family was to break up with Gayoon and move back. I asked her out, at a park. Sitting at the darkest corner of the park, I hoped that the darkness could hide my sad face so that Gayoon would believe in what I would say.

“Why are you sitting at the darkest place? I almost missed this part.” Gayoon smiled at me and greeted me with her addicting kiss as usual. I would miss it a lot, Gayoon ah… I faked a smile to her, acting cold fast. Remaining silence, she soons sensed something wrong here.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling not well?” She placed her hand on my forehead. I pushed her hand away. My heart twisted so was her face. My push took smiles on her face away. She froze at her spot.

“What happened?” She tried to get a hint from me. My heart is tearing as if I could hear it crying, sobbing inside of me.

“I can’t be with you anymore. I lost my interests on you.” I acted cold while my heart was screaming out loud, slapping myself. Her face reddened, tears filled her eyes. “What…do you mean?” She asked with her hoarse voice. I took a deep breath, staring right into her eyes.

“Do you really need me to say that out? We. Are. Over.” I forced myself to say those three words. Those words should be I love you to keep this girl instead of breaking up with her. My sight followed her tears, from her face dripping down. My heart was suffocated. I could not breathe but I forced myself to do so. parts with shocks, fears and sadness.

“No…You must be lying. We could make it through, Jihyun ah…” Feeling her hand on mine, my body was about to melt. Her warmth was something I would miss the most. I could not cry now. I could not… Quickly I retracted my hand, avoiding her eyes.

“Don’t be silly. I was only playing with your heart. I made you fall fast and I’ll dumb you fast.” My teeth clenched on each other after saying it, tightening my jaw.

No, Gayoon. It was not something I wanted. I never played with your heart. In fact, I fell deep in you fast. I was the one who could not live without you. I am sorry. Her hands caressed my face. Again, her warmth was feeling my skin, my cold skin. Her touch was addictive, something you only wanted more and more. Her thump gently brushed my lips. I ing missed it. I ing missed you and I ing love you, Heo Gayoon. Can you hear me? My heart was screaming for you. My heart was tearing because of the departure.

My hand moved involuntarily to place on hers. Both were like magnets, sticking to each other. But again, I needed to make a move. I needed to break the magnets. I flung her hand away, accidentally earning a small wound on my face as her ring made it. Right, hurt me more, Gayoon. It would be rather me getting hurt more. She panicked at the moment she saw the wound on my face. She wanted to make it up but I stopped her. My hand held on hers tight, hurting her.

“It’s enough. We’re over, Gayoon.” I stood up and left her. Our relationships could not be over like this and she followed me, trying to convince me.

“I know it’s not what you want. It must be your family. Tell me and we’ll fix it. We could make it through in the past why can’t we this time?” She pleaded. A few more gunshots in my heart but I could still handle it.

“It was my idea. I’m sick of you. You’re bored to me, okay?” My voice shook. I was shocked at my own words as well. She stopped, so did I. I turned around, took a look at the lady who had all the wounds in her heart. At this moment, I wanted to hug her only but still I could not. She was stunned. She was shocked. She was hurt. Slowly, she walked towards me, hugging me tight. People around us were staring at us.

“Please…don’t act like this to me, Jihyun, please…” She pleaded again, begging me. She begged for mercy. I wanted to give up and just kissed her right here. My eyes were red. Within seconds, tears fell. She pulled out and stared at me. I could see hopelessness in her eyes. She sobbed and I could not bear this. My fists tightened.

“Tell me everything is just a dream. Jihyun I know you wouldn’t do that to me right? Right?” If I looked straight into her eyes, I swore I would fall deep again.

A pull out was all I needed. My sight switched but tears still fell. She stuck her forehead with mine. And I heard gossips from the people around us. This society did not accept people like us, so called “freaks”. Her movement made me look at her. Her breath was as heavy as her heart. One last time that she pressed her lips against mine. She once told me that lips-print was unique like fingerprint. Once a person left one’s lips-print on you, that meant that person wanted you to be hers/his. Anything could I resist but…her kiss. Her kiss was something I would never be able to resist. Her hands cupped my face. Her kiss melted my coldness. Her lips-print left a spell on me, making my body stop functioning. My heart stopped beating. No. My dead heart stopped and it felt reviving from the hell. She deepened the kiss and my body started to react positively to it by wrapping my arms around her waist. How could I be able to restrain myself at such moment? Until I heard a word, lesbian, it woke me up from the sweetest and bitterest kiss. I pushed her for the last time. I could not let her get close anymore or I would never let her go. She cried again, hurt by my action.

“Let’s end here. I’m sorry.” My words ended and my tears fell. That night, I left here right there.

Things ended, things started. When the story of me and Gayoon ended, it always meant something else would start. Just that…No one could ever replace Gayoon. The first impression of her, Gayoon in the black silky one piece, would never fade away in my mind. There was actually a deal between me and my father: either I moved back with a condition or I would not be his daughter anymore. I know. In 2014, such thing should not be happened but yes to my traditional family, it still happened.

“Why” My cousin texted me.

“I can’t” I replied with a bitter smile.

Holding the phone, I remember the broken phone that my father flung it hard on the floor. He broke the memories of me and Gayoon. He broke everything but he loved me. I sent my cousin an invitation card of me and my husband Hyungsik wedding ceremony. My cousin could not understand why I did that but he still attended the wedding. During the ceremony, I faked smiles. It was the most exhausting day I had ever experienced. Faking smiles was the worst thing. My mom cried a lot when Hyungsik and I exchanged the rings as she knew it was not something I wanted. The only person who was smiling was my father even I knew he was acting as well.

My face was showing happiness while my heart is bleeding. However, there was one person that I did not expect, Gayoon. She walked in silently, taking her seat at the back. The girl was dressed up in striped dress with light make up on, looking fabulous. She took my attention. At the photo section, she came alone. Reaching out her hand, she pulled me softly for a hug at the moment I took her hand. “I miss you.” She whispered and pecks a kiss on my shoulder. Luckily, no one saw that. Her lips on my shoulder sent me electricity, making me shiver. Her eyes reddened when she pulled out, so was mine. My cousin spotted Gayoon and he took her to somewhere else as he saw my father was about to burst out.

That night was totally over. It ended perfectly. My cousin gave me a ring and a card from Gayoon. It was our couple ring. I read the card in my own while my husband fell asleep already.

Jihyunie,

I know you don’t like this nickname but this is something reminding me when you were still mine. I miss you a lot. Every day I wake up, I ask myself where you’ve gone. And my ring told me that you’re no long mine. The moment your cousin told me you’re going to get married, I just want to die. And what hurt the most is you’re married with a man who you don’t love. I knew it. I knew you did it for your family. I’m just sad that you didn’t give us a chance to fight against it. I love you and I don’t hink I’ll be able to move on. I’ll be waiting for you until the day you changed your mind.

Gayoon

Surprisingly, I wasn’t crying even my heart was again tear apart. Silly girl, I could never go back. Once I stepped into this house, I could never leave. I did all for my family. I am sorry.