"So...tell me why you're here, siwon-shi.."

Amidst the tranquil surroundings, the soft interrogating voice and that comfortable chair he rested on--the most interesting thing he can lay eyes on at the moment were his shoes; how curious they looked.

He cracked a smile, mocking his manners. 

"Out of all the people who seeked me, you looked the happiest, may I just point out." Siwon heard a rustling of fabric in front of him, someone crossed their legs. He looked up and widened his smiled--"I am happy." He nodded, clasping his hands together and leaning back. 

"I'm baffled." The doctor couldn't help replicate the other man's jovial face but his eyes remained calculative. 

"Well is there anything I can help you with or let's just let this wonderful epiphany last? Pardon me but you look like you've sorted things out, siwon-shi." The older man placed his clipboard and pen down, a simple impression. He looked at siwon, studying that one dominating expression--happiness. "But contradicting common belief; hearing out traumatic experiences, problems, or any scarring event in one's life doesn't define the full stretch of a psychiatrist's capability. We, too, can meddle with one's lighter sides of life, if permitted." The psychiatrist gestured towards siwon, waiting for his guest to walk him through the confines of his mind.

"The thing is...i think I'm in love--well, i really know i am. It's pretty hard to explain." siwon had a goofy smile that crossed his lips.

"Well we can start by telling me the name of this person and your relationship." the psychiatrist gave siwon a kind smile, comically lifting his clipboard as if to humor the other.

"One of our group's members, Cho Kyuhyun." siwon bit his lip, trying to see if there was any disapproving emotion on the older man's eyes but there wasn none.

"Now this is the fun part, siwon-shi. Tell me when you first realized that you love him and how it came to that point, make it interesting." the pychiatrist winked at siwon and they both laughed.

The younger nodded, breathing in and out and his eyes unconsciously looked down, trying to remember everything that led him to that point.

"It started when he was added to our group, Super Junior, you might've have heard about us.." siwon chuckled.

"I might've.." the older man nodded, getting in the joke.

"First time i saw him he was this lanky, messy-haired, and quiet boy. I thought he wasn't that interesting and questioned his addition to our group but then he opened his lips and let out the most alluring voice i've heard. He was young--we all were, but he sang as if those words were his own experiences--that those loves and hurts, were his. I couldn't believe it--i was amazed, i was infatuated. The members were surprised too but they didn't fully accept his presence yet so i was alone and had no one to talk to. I thought the feeling wouldn't last but then the accident happened; the car with our leader together with a few members and kyuhyun, spun out of control and they were all injured at the middle of the road." siwon clasped his hands together, the painful memory still stung his heart.

"All of them were hurt but the most critical one was kyuhyun. When i heard the news i felt like half of me died... I thought about that cruel saying; you will only realize that you love someone is when they're gone. That's why i'm still thanking those doctors and kyuhyun's father for not giving up on him. He survived and after that i made a promise that everyday i'll treasure him and show him my love, even in the smallest way i can."

"Beautiful.." the psychiatrist commented, writing a bit on his clipboard.

"Thanks." smiled, relieved that he was finished retelling that story.

"Today, can you say the feeling is still the same?"

"Worse, actually. It's like i'm obsessed and everyone can see but i really don't care."

"I would like to know kyuhyun-shi's reaction but first i'd want to know if you have made these feelings public."

"Well....." countless of pictures, videos and accounts of him, kissing, hugging and plainly, touching, kyuhyun, revolved around his head. "I haven't been vocal about it." another memory of him, calling out kyuhyun as his love, crossed his mind. "Okay, yes, i have, but we're known to have loads of skinship on stage and fans think of them as fan service so it was never something i had to explain."

"I bet they don't mind."

"Yeah, they don't. They love it, quite frankly; i see them hold banners and i don't know if it's the blinding color but it's something that catches my eyes always."

"Supporters, i see. Do they affect you, maybe you're just driven to please your fans, ain't it not?"

Siwon closed his eyes and smiled widely, "I wish that was the case but i know myself well and i yearn for kyuhyun. If i should emphasize; in my eyes, he's perfect. I look at him and all i can see is his beauty; his hair, his face, his smile, those lips---his body, his smell. I've been this love-stricken fool for years now and i've never wavered. Every morning i wake up and i wish that it was his face that i see first, it was him that's with me on the bed and it's his voice that greets me a good morning. I've never felt this for anyone before." siwon felt that oddly painful tug on his chest but he ignored it and earnestly waited for a response. 

The smile on the psychiatrist's face never left and as he finished his writing he looked up at siwon, "Did kyuhyun-shi, know?"

"I told him everyday that i love him and that guy would always have that naughty grin on his face."

"Was there a time you've done it with your utmost sincerity, doing away with the playfulness and without any hint of this fan service? The feeling, was it mutual?"

"There was that one time, we happened to sit side by side on the airplane. I wasn't feeling all too well, my stress levels were high and everyone scolded me, even him, to get some rest. Although, I couldn't sleep a wink and slight anxiety was kicking in, i forced myself to sleep. Kyuhyun could've known i was just closing my eyes. I tried tuning out the sounds from the airplane and from the noise of the other members but then i felt someone covered my ear, the only person beside me, it was kyuhyun." siwon felt his chest unclenching as he reminisced.

"He cupped my ear then slowly i heard his voice. He was singing a very soft ballad in my ear, a song only i can hear. If it have been a normal day i would've jumped out of the airplane from the outburst of feeling but my fatigue held me down. His voice came in soothing waves, the words were as sweet as honey and the melody was as deep as the ocean. Even then i fought within myself because sleep was taking me and yet i want to listen to his voice until the last note. In the end he won and i--i slept until that voice again woke me up. It wasn't an outright, i love you from him but...just that simple gesture and i feel as though he did." 

"Wonderful memory, siwon-shi. Have you ever dated anyone that you could say, similar to kyuhyun-shi?"

"No, not really. I've tried looking, though. It was futile."

"How about kyuhyun-shi, was he dating anyone?"

"Not that i know of. I've been transparent on my feeling towards him but i never wanted to hold him back with them. All the members would know if one us was dating someone, i don't know if he really was not dating or just hiding--if that was the case i wouldn't have interfered. I mean, i would want to but just to the point of knowing the other person. I love him enough to make sure that he'd settle with someone he truly loves but until then i want to take care of him."

The psychiatrist nods his head and had a thoughtful expression on his face, "Did kyuhyun-shi ever gave the feeling that he was indeed passionate about you, too?"

"I don't really trust my eyes, doc. Any attention from him, i would feelso loved--it's kinda ridiculous."

"Hmm...how long has it been since your last encounter with kyuhyun-shi?"

"Well, i'm...not that sure but it kinda feels a long time. I'm really excited to see him though, maybe after this or tomorrow." 

A long note was written on the clipboard and siwon felt that itch on his curiosity.

"Last question for the day siwon-shi. How do you see yourself, 5 years from now?"

Siwon didn't even spare a second before he answered, "I see myself as a Super Junior member, performing on stage with the same faces i've been performing with, for years. Singing and dancing for our ELF and right beside me, is Kyuhyun." siwon nodded to himself and ignored the older's sudden mark on that clipboard. 

"Well it was really nice talking to you siwon-shi, we're done for today." the psychiatrist stood up and received the hand shake siwon offered.

"It was also nice talking to you too." 

"Now, if you could send your father here, i'd like to talk to him before you leave." 

"Sure, sure." siwon gave the doctor another handsome smile and took his leave. The door to the office had no time to close as it was opened by siwon's father.

"Please, tell me how he did." mr. choi's face was a mix of fatigue and concern as he took the offer and sat in front of the psychiatrist--where siwon sat earlier.

...

"May i ask you, how long was it.... since Cho Kyuhyun's death?"

"It's been a month."

"Well, your son could've been more traumatized from the passing of kyuhyun-shi not just because they were band mates but he was in love with him--he is, still."

...

"My son never told me about that, he never showed that he was interested on anyone. Tell me he's gonna recover, please." mr.choi rubbed his temples, trying hard not to come undone in front of the psychiatrist.

He remembered the blankness that fell on his son's face when they received the news about that bombing inside UPI, the academy of kyuhyun's father. There were a lot of casualties and one death, pertained to the owner's son. The group mourned and decided to go on a long hiatus, respecting kyuhyun's memory and his family. Siwon on the other hand, fell in too deep depression and got stuck in the period where he last remembered kyuhyun, alive. The members and their families knew about siwon's state but nothing was made public.

"He's unconsciously recognizing lost time and i believe, with continuous sessions, with him just telling the story at his own pace, would slowly bring his consciousness to the present. Forcing him with facts would not be proper and Mr. Choi, we're just not dealing with the recuperation of his mind but also with his heart. The passion on his words as he described his feelings for kyuhyun-shi are too fresh and flaring. No one should tamper with them until he is ready to accept the death of his love."

"Yes..... thank you."

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