~*~

April 1, 2014

The full moon looked daunting. Scary, even. Yet I couldn't stop staring at it.

Curled up on the corner of my bedroom with a comforter covering me fully, I drank the last of the bitter liquid in my glass. I wish I could say it was the last of the first glass, but it wasn't. It was the last of the third. I have grown tolerant of the alcohol that it now took six shots for me to knock myself down to sleep.

Tonight was worse than it were during the days of 2013, when I took two to three sips before going to bed. By the end of that year, I had escalated to a full glass. Now at the end of the first quarter of 2014, it became three glasses. I also finished the drinks while I was on the ground. On the corner wall. Covered in a blanket. Wearing my pajamas. Crying and over-thinking. Very pregnant. Eight weeks far along, and yet stupidly and carelessly consuming alcohol.

What am I trying to do? Why am I slowly killing this thing inside of me?

Thing. Funny. Just five days ago, when I thought of it as Jungsu's child, I called it a he -- his child -- my child -- our son -- even if I wasn't sure it was a boy. But now, knowing what I knew, I couldn't even begin to give it a name, or call it a gender, or think it had a life. Now I just wished more than ever that it wasn't there. That this did not happen. That I'd wake up, and I wouldn't be carrying something in my stomach that symbolized my mistake of cheating on Jungsu.

Though we weren't together, I promised him there was no one else. Though we broke up months ago, I vowed to him he was irreplaceable, and that I only belonged to him. Though we separated, I promised Park Jungsu I'd reserve myself for him until I found myself again, and until we got back together.

But I only lost myself more, and now I was even carrying someone else's child. As I remembered again who was the father, and why this happened, I became angrier and angrier at myself. I wanted to punish myself so badly for being so stupid and irresponsible to be knocked up, for being unfaithful and loose, for sleeping with a stranger. Since my doctor's appointment yesterday, I have spent the next thirty hours letting thoughts and memories become convoluted and overwhelming inside my mind.

How do I tell my parents? Will dad disown me? Will mom slap me and pull my hair out? Will Jiwoong oppa never talk to me again? Will Hayeon lose respect of me?

How do I tell SM? Will they ask me to abort the pregnancy? Will they let me quit SNSD? Will they let me go temporarily and come back after I gave birth?

How do I tell the members? Will they be disappointed at me? Will they support me? Will they turn their backs on me? Or like I did to Sica, will they end their friendship with me?

How do I tell Leeteuk oppa? Will he take responsibility? Will he end everything between us for good? Will he stay by my side?

All the questions churned, burned, turned in my head, and there were no answers. Only queries. Only problems. For every new question left unanswered, pain covered my sanity so that I was going insane once more. I was pathetically situated on the floor, curled up and hugging myself, crying my heart out because there was no one else to talk to but myself.

I checked on my phone, hoping another soul would finally lend ears to me, or perhaps a shoulder, or arms, or even just words. But the very first text message just broke my heart even more.

You wrote:

Yoong, are you busy? Where are you?

Yoongie wrote:

Hi unnie. With Seunggi and his family right now. Why?

I chose not to respond. Just like the very first person I called, Yoona was unavailable. As I recalled how the conversation with Sooyoung took place earlier tonight, I became lonelier.

"H-hi Sooyoung, is this a b-bad time?" I talked on the phone just one hour ago, before I began my first of three glasses of brandy.

"No, what's going on?"

"C-can we meet tonight?" I pathetically asked, very, very hopeful for a friend to talk to.

"I'm sorry Tae. After the Double-M event, Kyungho oppa's mom invited me to shop with her. Maybe next week?"

I declined Sooyoung's pity-offer, and just said goodbye. That's when I texted Yoona, only to be rejected once more.

At present, I was exiting my phone's message screen when I saw the voice mail alert. If it was a voice message without a SMS, chances were that the person who left it was also unavailable. I was right. In the next seconds, I listened to my best friend's voice, only to feel a third consecutive heartbreak from my friends.

"Taeyeon, I just got your call. Khun and I were suddenly called for an emergency meeting in SM. I have a bad feeling about this. I'm really sorry, but I can't meet you for dinner tonight. I'll make time this weekend. Call me when you get this."

I couldn't even find myself worrying about why the executives of SM and JYP summoned them. Probably another dating scandal, nothing new. I didn't bother calling Fany, like she asked me to. She always said that in her voicemails, but recently she hasn't meant it. Not once. I couldn't remember the last time we hung out since she got back together with Khun on November. Since the beginning of this year, we only ever phone-communicated through voice message tags. Most of the time, she'd even forgot I called.

My three closest friends, who were on my speed dials, all rejected me on the same night. I considered Sunny and Seohyun my better friends too, but I knew they were with their respective families for their weekly family dinners. I didn't bother calling Hyoyeon. She was a mess, with a fresh break-up and near-suicide. I have not talked to Sica in years, and I didn't feel like I was in the position to borrow her shoulder or ears. Of course I also couldn't bother Yuri. We were still good friends and we still talked and hung out. But I knew that she was much too upset with me for what I did to her best friend, Jessica.

Tonight, I was on my own, only with the full moon and my bottle of brandy as company. There was no one to talk to, and I felt alone more than ever. I realized all the more that unlike my members, I didn't have anyone else. They were all I had, but I wasn't all they have. Half of them had their boyfriends, the other half had their friends outside the company. Most of them could talk to their other people. Not me, I had no other friends. My only friends were the eight members of So Nyuh Shi Dae, and I even unfriended one of them because of our differences in beliefs.

I was a loner. And right now I had no one.

I was close to my family, too. I was close to the managers and staff, too. I had Leeteuk oppa, too. But I just couldn't talk to them about this, because my very dilemma involved them. How could I even talk to them about what's happening to me?

Pregnant outside of marriage.

Pregnant at the height of my career.

Pregnant from a one night stand.

Pregnant because of a stranger.

I was the only one who knew that the man who impregnated me was G-dragon. Yes. Him. Kwon Jiyong. Big Bang's leader. South Korea's biggest idol. YG's king. G-dragon was the father of Kim Taeyeon's unborn child. Before coming clean to all the people in my life, before asking the questions about how these people would react once I told them, I had other important questions to ask.

Should I tell G-dragon? Should I hide the truth, and let Leeteuk believe he was the father? Or should I just get rid of it now?

First, what would getting rid of the pregnancy do? Keep SNSD  -- hide the truth from my parents -- lose Jungsu, because he would never forgive me for killing a child he thought was his -- keep G-dragon out of the picture.

Second, what would keeping the pregnancy and hiding the truth do? Lose SNSD -- hurt my parents, who could still forgive me in the end because they loved Jungsu -- keep Jungsu and start a new and quiet life with him -- keep G-dragon out of the picture.

Third, what would keeping the pregnancy and revealing the truth do? Lose SNSD -- lose my parents, because they loved Jungsu, and the father of my child was a stranger -- lose Jungsu -- entangle G-dragon in the picture.

It seemed the second option provided the most benefits. Though I would lose my fame and SNSD, I'd gain a happy life with Park Jungsu. I could go on pretending and lying that Jungsu was the father. I could still start a new life with him. Then G-dragon, who was a stranger, a nobody, a one-night stand, never had to know. My parents might be disappointed and hurt, but would eventually forgive me if they saw me happy with a Jungsu. Yes, this should be my option.

I suddenly stood up, and only when I felt my own motion did I realize that I had been face-forward on the ground all this time, too inebriated and deep in thoughts. My head twirled painfully, the nausea from the drunkenness punishing me. But I stood erected, Indian-sat on the floor. I should continue with what Jungsu and I planned. I should let him take responsibility of me and the child. There was no reason to trouble a complete stranger like Kwon Jiyong with my dramas. Definitely. I pick option number two -- lie.

"...I love you Kim Taeyeon. So much. Like I have never love and will never love someone else."

"This is ours. It's a gift. It's a blessing. Do you hear me? This should not scare you. This is the rainbow after the storm. This is my hope, my prayers answered, my new life, my future. No one can just take any of this away."

“...when it felt as if my heart was being crushed to pieces, when I lost everyone, I only thought of you, and my heart was healed somehow. You're the only thing in this world that's keeping me together. So I will always accept and support whatever decision you make."

But as I recalled all of Jungsu oppa's kind and sincere words to me, my stomach lurched painfully, threatening to throw everything in up outside. The guilt crept from my mind, to my heart, to my stomach, to my feet. Could I really lie this hard, this much, to the very person I loved and cherished the most?

Maybe I should kill myself instead. Yes. I should just die. If I died, the problem wouldn't exist. If i died--

I was on the brink of another bout of suicidal thoughts when I heard the thud, and felt my head hit the ground once more. Like usual, I have drunk and cried myself to sleep. Only this time, I was not just depressed, but also pregnant and adamant to end my life.

April 2, 2014

I kept shaking the thoughts out of my head. Last night, I dreamt of memories I have long buried. As if the higher gods were thoroughly punishing me, G-dragon has not escaped my thoughts, not even once, since the day I learned of the truth.

I regretted falling asleep very drunk. One, I had dreams about my regrettable and unfortunate one-night stand with... him (I didn't want to mention his name. Starting now, he shall not be named). Two, my morning sickness bit my back to teach me a lesson. I threw up violently. I've been throwing up since this morning. Even the smell of the bananas on my kitchen, or Fany's macchiato, and Seohyun's oatmeal, all made me rush to the bathroom to throw up. I tried to be conspicuous, but eventually, everyone noticed.

I just lied and said I drank spoiled milk. I practiced lying. Pretending. Acting. There would be a lot of that coming up, no matter which decision I picked. Either I lie about the father, or I lie about being pregnant. There had to be one lie to tell, one way or the other. The sad thoughts, the impossible choices, the depression, they all followed me until now so that the last thing I wanted was to attend the Ferragamo event.

"I want to leave," I blurted out, totally unplanned. But I was glad I let it slip.

I stood by my words, and I got up from the vanity chair and grabbed my purse. I was going to throw up soon, but I found that I could control it. I just needed to go home and throw up my entire intestines, then rest from my hangover -- and pregnancy. Everything about me hurt. My feet. My abdominal muscles. My head. And pitifully, my heart.

The manager oppa first watched me wear my long Chanel coat and head for the door before exclaiming, "What are you talking about? You can't leave. There's an event about to--"

"I want to go to Jeonju and be with my family. I d-don't want to attend this event," I answered, avoiding anyone's eyes. I really should be in a comfort zone. I decided that after letting my hangover subside, I would drive north and visit my family.

"What did you say?" manager oppa sarcastically asked, standing up to block my way to the exit door. "You don't want to do this event you're paid $50,000 to attend?"

"Taeyeon, what's going on? Are you alright?" Tiffany worriedly asked.

"Unnie, are you sick? I heard you throwing up," Seohyun also worried. The two of them were just getting their hair and make-up done.

Soon, I'd throw up. Soon, I'd collapse. Soon, I'd cry. So I controlled myself with all my might and shoved my manager out of my way. But he painfully grabbed my arm and forced me to stop and face him.

"I don't have time for your dramas right now!" he shouted, dragging me inside and forcing my purse and coat out of me. "Pretend you're happy. Hide your sadness. Smile. Project. Lie. Forget all your emotional baggages this very second, because thousands of fans and media outlets are outside, waiting for Taetiseo! Am I making myself clear?!"

The tears, vomit, and nausea were threatening to come, so I fought real hard. I was afraid to speak more, afraid that I'd break down.

He shouted even more loudly, "Kim Taeyeon! AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?!"

I just slowly nodded, lying and projecting. I just wanted him to shut up and leave. He grabbed the dress I was to wear, and forced it omin my hand, saying, "Now wear this and have your hair and make up done!"  

With that, the manager left the room. Just as quickly, my members surrounded me. I was sure Tiffany signaled the staff to allow us privacy, because the very next second, only us three were left in the dressing room.

"T-Tae--"

"I'm tired of this ," I quietly muttered, very careful so as to not throw up.

"You don't mean that unnie," Seohyun said, getting one of my hand. "What happened?"

"I m