~*~

I heard and felt the loud beating of my heart. No. It wasn't my heart. It was the sound system of the Marine Messe arena, resonating all the way to my chest, shaking my entire system.

Then, I was reminded of how that deafening beat had always brought an adrenaline rush through my being. Since day one, on August 5, 2007, up to the last stage just April of this year, that sound system provided me the kind of high that made a two-hour performance seem like nothing. I lived and breathe the stage, the sound, the lights, the cheers, for seven full years of my life. But now, I was not on the stage. There was no light before my eyes. There was no sound resonating in my chest and ear. Because I wasn't on the stage. I was just outside of it, just a part of the cheering crowd. I listened to the background beats of Galaxy Supernova, somehow still in disbelief that I didn't ride the Motorcycle with them during the opening.

For the first time since we debuted, I was not a part of a SNSD stage. As I gazed upon eight life-size tarpaulin lining the parking lot of the arena, my heart broke into tiny million pieces. Previously, there were nine, with my face at the center. Now, there was eight. How could the number eight suddenly cause me this much heartache?

"Do you want to come in now?" Kwon Jiyong asked, skimming through the tour booklet souvenir that included our photo shoot exclusively for this tour.

"That's not a good idea," I answered, seeing my face on the current two-page spread he was looking at. My heart jumped with slight happiness that I was still part of that booklet.

"We're already here. You really should come inside. That's why we went here, Taeyeon. You need to be with your best friends," Jiyong replied, closing the booklet and unbuckling, also unlocking the door of this rent-a-car we were in.

"SM's not going to like it."

"There's nothing in the legal agreement that restrains you from coming near the members. We can make it difficult for SM, you're just too kind to play dirty. You're the victim here, and at times like this, you can play one," he explained very firmly, then he unloaded the car. I almost laughed at the sight of him holding a pink light stick. I still couldn't believe he managed to purchase one under disguise.

When he reached my side of the car, he opened the door and pressed my seatbelt button, "We'll go inside. If SM stops you in any way, our lawyers will take care of it."

I was still half-hearted. Just then, I heard the loud cheering of the entire arena, and it echoed in my heart again. I heard the faint sound of the musical background of Flower Power. I was positive that Act 1 was taking place, because I have memorized the stage script to heart.

"Don't hesitate, Miss Kim. Mr. Kwon will take care of you," Jiyong begged, offering his hand to me. How could I refuse when he just promised he'd take care of me? So I took it.

Hand-in-hand, we walked from the parking lot to the entrance door. It was already dark, ad though I should still feel awkward that I was holding hands with Kwon Jiyong, I did not. I couldn't even remember the first time we held hands, or became this close. It felt as if we've always held hands, always been this close. With only a two-week history, we've done things strangers never did -- held hands, drove far, rode an airplane together, ate together, lived together, slept together. By now, though I didn't know him as in know him, I felt comfortable around him. He made it easy to be. As we searched for the entrance door to our seats, I felt relief, comfort, and I could honestly tell anyone (myself included) that I was holding hands with a friend.

"Is that... G-dragon?"

"GD oppa!"

"I love you GD!"

The collective recognition from the Japanese Sones welcomed us, five minutes after we entered the dimly-lit arena. I thought Karma Butterfly's performance would make me invisible, but perhaps, two super idols in disguise exuded that much charisma for us to be recognizable. Of course. It was G-dragon  after all. Even the way he wrapped that scarf around his neck made him stand out from a sea of fans.

"That's Taengoo?"

"Taeyeon-ah!"

"Unnie, we love you!"

Jiyong suddenly let go of my hand, and the next second, I felt his hand on my back down to my waist. He held me close, as if protecting me from the crowd. There were still twenty rows to go before we could even pass this area to reach the hall to the exit.

"Take care of her G-dragon!"

"GD AND TAEYEON HWAITING!"

"TAKE CARE OF THE BABY!"

My heart swelled with so much joy at such encouragements. I had been so used to the angered screams of the juvenile fans who hated me, of their jealousy that I slept with their oppas, of their childish discouragement because I was a . So to hear such positive messages, such affectionate screams, I became elated, overwhelmed with shock.

"Thank you! Thank you!" I bowed and said my endless thanks, addressing all directions I could. But Jiyong hurried our walk, but even with such speed, I still managed to give out my thanks.BThe security recognized us, so we were allowed access backstage. All throughout the fifteen-minute walk, Jiyong never let go of his hold on me.

"Unnie?!" someone immediately shouted the moment we stepped foot on the backstage room. "TAE UNNIE!'

"OH MY GOSH! MY TAEYEON!" someone else shouted.

My Taeyeon. There was only one woman in the world that called me My Taeyeon, because she thought it would soothe my heart when Jungsu broke up with me. But even as the time passed, Stephanie Hwang has never stopped calling me My Taeyeon. The next thing I saw was her smiling puppy eyes, looming closer and closer to me, until she was burying her face on the corner of my shoulder.

"COME HERE! COME HERE!" she cried out, hugging me so tightly. Pretty soon, the first one who shouted embraced me too. It was Im Yoona. "YOU'RE HERE UNNIE! I'M SO HAPPY!"

"Kim Taeyeon..." I recognized one of our manager's voice. Slowly, Yoona and Fany let me go, revealing our manager's cold face before us.

"Hi manager oppa," I greeted, bowing courteously.

"You're not supposed to be here."

"Says who?" Kwon Jiyong quickly defended me, coming between me and the manager.

"I just want to see them oppa. I'm not here to cause any trouble."

"And we want to see her too!" Choi Sooyoung then arrived to the scene, followed by the five other girls who were wearing our pink custom-designed tour dresses. "Don't you dare send her away oppa!"

"Unnie, you can sing with us! Sing with us!" Seo Joohyun excitedly invited, now her turn to give me a welcome hug. "Please unnie, the next song is Lips."

"How perfect and apt for our scandal queen," Kwon Yuri joked, putting her arm around me.

"We still know our formations as nine. We want you to sing with us," Lee Soonkyu also invited, owning the other side of my body.

"I don't think we can do that anymore," I told them with a slight smile, even if saying that actually pinched my heart a little.

"Oh my gosh it's grown big! Your tummy is so huge now!" Kim Hyoyeon exclaimed, holding my belly with such a shocked expression.

"You're exaggerating Hyo. It's the same size, aigoo," Jessica commented, poking Hyoyeon's temple, and also giving me a kiss for a greeting.

"Babo Hyo! It does not grow that big until the second trimester!" Sooyoung also told Hyoyeon off.

"Did you already gain weight? I think you gained weight boo!" Tiffany told me with a smile, looking at me from head to toe. Everyone laughed at her comment, and suddenly I felt conscious about my body image.

"Have you shopped for maternity clothes yet? One of these days, we should shop," the ever fashionable Jessica suggested.

"Girls!" the manager shouted with a firm voice, breaking our little bonding moment. He approached us and gestured to the the door. "It's time for the next act. You have this wrap this reunion up."

The smile on all our faces slowly faded, and suddenly, Sunny and Yuri embraced me again. Then on my back, Seohyun also snuck an embrace. With much difficulty, the other five girls somehow found a way to insert themselves in that huge pile of hug.

"It's nice to see you again, Taeyeon," Yuri muttered.

"Can't she sing and dance with us? Please oppa?" Yoona begged the manager, the other girls still embracing me.

"Of course not! She's not a part of SNSD anymore."

Those words the manager said were powerful enough to detach my members from my body. All of them sniffed a little, and then one by one, they shouted their objections in tears.

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT OPPA?!"

"OF COURSE SHE'S SNSD!"

"SHE WILL ALWAYS BE SNSD!"

"DON'T SAY THAT! DON'T EVER SAY THAT!"

My best friends became really worked up, and I saw how all of them broke down in tears that ruined their make-up. I've estimate that we've been catching up for a quarter of an hour now, and the tour video must be over. They needed to be back onstage to perform the next series of songs.

"Girls, stop it," I calmed them down, using my soft and yet sometimes effective leader's voice. "Manager oppa's right. I'm not legally a part of SNSD anymore."

"We don't care about legalities, or papers, or any money. You're SNSD, because we, SNSD members said so, and because our fans said so!" Tiffany exclaimed with so much conviction, her beautiful face wrinkled with sadness.

"We're not performing if she's not going to sing with us. She's already here. The Sones are shouting for her name since the show began!" Jessica declared confidently, and the other girls nodded in agreement with what she said.

"And this is precisely why management forbids you to see your best friends," someone exclaimed with so much power from our backs. All of us turned around, and we saw the very prim and proper lady VP of SM. I felt my stomach lurch with nervousness in her presence. And she was looking at me when she said, "You're dragging them down by being here. You're not lifting them up, or cheering them on. Your presence only discourages them."

"I'm s-sorry Miss Yoon," I bowed to her in apology. Then, I faced my members and said, "I'm sorry girls. I c-can't be on that stage anymore. I'm not in any condition to dance or sing. It's only going to harm my baby. Just go. Go! Our Sones are waiting. I'll be right here."

I looked at them with encouragement, and even physically pushed and dragged them towards the door towards the stage. Though still silently crying, my members obeyed their pregnant and shabby leader.

"Go! I'm cheering for you. Give our hurting Sones the great Love & Peace show they deserve!"

"We love you!"

"We miss you!"

"Stay there, arasseo?"

"Don't go anywhere!"

"We'll be back Taeng! Don't leave!"

I just nodded as they shouted me their reminders. I sent them off to the stage, and I sensed Jiyong's presence catching up after us. The nine of us were still hand in hand when I sent them off to the very backstage. All eight of them waved at me before finally positioning themselves in their spots. Then, the lights, stage, and sound changed for the next number. I watched them from the backstage, the cheers of the sea of pink lights before my eyes. I felt a strong sense of pride at the sight of the 20,000 fans watching SNSD tonight. For the first time, I witnessed live what our beloved Sones always cheered for. As my eight members sang Lips, My Oh My and Do the Catwalk, I only felt overwhelming pride at the sight of my eight superstar best friends. But just then, I saw some of the signages and posters that called for me. There were hundreds, probably thousands, of lit-up letters that spelled my name. Somehow, I also felt regret and longing.

"Are you okay?" Jiyong asked, and I jumped at the realization of his presence by my side. He was also watching the concert with me.

"No," I admitted, still looking at the Sones who were holding my huge banner-sized photos. "I'm supposed to be there. I feel like cheating on the 20,000 fans here, who paid to see all of us nine. Yet I'm not there. It's not fair. It's not fair to our fans who have done nothing but support us."

And as if time was taunting me, just then, when My Oh My's bridge entered and the VTR saw our tour videos, including footages of me, the crowd took a whole new level of cheering.

"Kim Taeyeon! So Nyuh Shi Dae! Kim Taeyeon! So Nyuh Shi Dae! Kim Taeyeon! So Nyuh Shi Dae!"

"Do you hear that? They're calling for you. They still love you," Jiyong observed, smiling a little as he watched how our fans cheered for me. I felt touched hearing my name echoing all across the stadium. My members laughed at the incident, and they continued to perform the last part of the song.

"What's funny is, I love them too. Sometimes, it's hard to express our love to our fans," I explained to Jiyong, crossing my arms as the two of us got rooted on the backstage. "We don't personally know them, we don't spend birthdays or holidays with them. But they don't know us too, yet they love us this much. So we should love them too, because if not for them, there's no SNSD."

I looked at him and observed that he was staring at the crowd with such a deep thought. I confessed to him that, "I'd do anything in the world to show Sones that I love them with all my heart. I wasn't able to tell them that when I was still on the stage with my eight members."

Jiyong did not say a word, and I could tell he was thinking deeply. When he showed no sign of replying, I felt as if I was invading too much into his mind. I forgot that I was talking to man who, just like me, lived and breathed the stage, the cheers, and the fame. But even so, I still asked, "Do you feel the same? For your fans?"

"I feel burdened by that kind of love," he answered in a somber tone, eyes still locked on the crowd.

"I'm sorry. I know it's harder for you than it is for us female idols," I quickly replied, confirming that I was indeed stepping uninvitedly on that private territory.

"Because they cheer your name, they think they own you, until you can't even do anything anymore. It's like their fame, their love, is also a cursed blessing. Something in exchange of freedom. They love you so much, but they hurt the one you love the most," and from my side vision, I saw that he finally looked at me. His tone told me the darkness surrounding his next words. "It's really hard to also love that kind of love."

"Not all of them hate her, you know?" I answered with such confidence that I knew the depth of where he pulled from. I chuckled a little, then added, "At least not anymore. They hate me now."

Please take it lightly. Please. I silently prayed. As soon as I told my joke, I regretted it. But when I looked at him again, I became relieved to find a smile on that handsome face. Wait. Did I just call him handsome? Shoot.

"Come on. No one can hate a pregnant woman," he answered in the same light tone. We laughed together.

"I'm sorry that it's difficult for Kiko," I replied, resuming the somber tone of our conversation.

"Yeah, I am too. I just wish there was something I can do to make it easier for everyone. You. Her. Me. Leeteuk."

And when he mentioned Jungsu's name, I was reminded of my other heartache that did not have a cure as of now. But I have already decided to lessen my depression for Park Jungsu. Three days ago, when I read his letter, I left that lake with that sad and pathetic part of me. I left the weight of my heartaches on the sand. I left my sadness with the wind. When Jiyong and I left that place, I promised myself that was the last time I'd cry that much for Park Jungsu during my pregnancy. So even if Jiyong mentioned his name, I controlled my tears. Successfully. I became so proud of myself because I haven't shed a tear since that day on the lake, even if I reunited with my best friends tonight.

"It's too late for that. She's already here," I told Jiyong, caressing my belly that housed a ten-week old life. "We can never have it all."

Jiyong did not respond anymore, and we resumed watching the concert from the backstage. What I didn't know was that in the next silent minutes that followed, Kwon Jiyong captured the moment for the whole world to see.

~*~

@xxxibgdrgn posted:

Photo of the back of Taeyeon's head while watching the Pink Ocean

"I'd do anything in the world to show Sones that I love them with all my heart." - Kim Taeyeon #ifeelthesame #VIP

TAEYEON WATCHES LOVE&PEACE DEBUT

1. [+69,322 / -5,421] I heard 20-30% of tickets were returned, and Sones demanded full refund. Is this SM's media play to resell the tickets?

2. [+59,521 / -4,214] Can Taeyeon's appearance resell the returned tickets? Or else this tour would flop. She has the biggest chunk of fans, and without her, fans feel cheated.

G-DRAGON'S FIRST PHOTO POST-SCANDAL GENERATES 1 MILLION LIKES AND 500,000 COMMENTS

1. [+79,123 / -2,176] I wish Taeng could post too. I miss her. We love you so much Taeng  Not everyone hates you. Sones are still here!

G-DRAGON ADDRESSES SONE AND VIP FANDOMS

1. [+73,792 / -12,369] A simple gesture like this breaks my heart. It's really the general public that's angered, and not us fans. As far as I'm concerned, we VIPs are still here. We've grown with Jiyong, and most of us have married and have kids too. Of course it's now Ji's turn to have his own family!

2. [+56,325 / -3,537] WE WILL WAIT FOR KIM TAEYEON FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES! PREGNANT, MARRIED, OR NOT!

~*~

"As I look at everyone's faces tonight, I realized that there are lots of Sones who watched the first tour, the second tour, and now on the third tour you're still with us," Seo Joohyun spoke to the crowd, silencing the once roaring arena. The end of the show was nearing. "Even after everything, you are still with us."

The crowd cheered in a silent sadness. The members were now littered all over the stage, wearing our custom varsity cheering costumes. I noticed that the seven others were silently crying, unable to say a word, because the crowd kept chanting:

"Kim Taeyeon! Kim Taeyeon! Kim Taeyeon!"

Only Seohyun had the composure to say a few words.