a/n: the school system / the counselling system is based on my school (like the one i went to) and my experience

Diary Entry 1

Everyone began avoiding me, so I began avoiding them, too.

--

"Look, it's Byunghun sunbaenim."

Look, it's a hoobae that I don't know.

"I heard that if your eyes meet with his, he'll hunt you down."

Oh, maybe I should do that to you.

"I heard that he took a whole entire gang down by himself."

Won't be too hard if that gang is full of dumb punks who don't even know how to fight.

"He's glaring at us!  Let's go to class."

"Yeah, get out of my way," I grumble, watching as the hoobaes scramble away.  Seriously, these kids are so dumb; they believe everything that their friends or other sunbaes say.

When the rumors began spreading, I always tried to convince everyone that they weren't true.  It was when people had first began avoiding me that I realized nobody listened to me.  That they didn't even want me within a one meter radius of them.  Suited me just fine; I had never been good at expressing myself and making friends.  I would just live with myself until I graduated the school, and found people who suit me more.  But it soon got suffocating — having no friends in the whole class almost meant that the whole entire class was actually my enemy.  I began skipping class; I didn't really need to go, anyways.  I could study on my own.

But I needed somewhere to go during classtime.  I used to go to the rooftop, but now it's too cold to go up there.

"Where to go...," I say to myself, leaning against the wall next to the classroom.  My eyes meet with several other students, and they all pale and look away.  "Probably can't go in there without giving someone a heart attack."

"Come to the counselling room, then."

"Oh, hi, ajhussi," I mumble, glancing lightly at Kazunari, the school's counsellor.

"I'm not an ajhussi," Kazunari protests in his accented Korean.  He puffs out his cheeks like how a kid would, and the act doesn't look weird on him, even though he's already thirty years old.

"Says the thirty-year-old man," I say, but I'm already following his advice and making my way towards the couselling room.  Then I pause, waiting for Kazunari to catch up.  "How many people?"

"Most graduated or recovered, so there's just one kid left," Kazunari replies.  "This one, he's kind of...special.  But you'll find out soon enough.  For now, come on."  Then he smiled his gentle smile and then ran down the stairs, his arms stretched out as he made airplane-like sounds.

That guy is thirty years old, by the way.  Did I mention that?

--

The counselling room looks simple, with two black couches facing each other across a coffee table in the middle of the room.  There are fake plants in each of the four corners of the room, and all of them are just green leaves.  Kazunari's desk sits in the far right, clean and organized.  A DS sits on the desk, and I smell him making some coffee.

"Want some?" he asks me, holding up the pot.

"Yes, please."

"Milk and sugar?"

"No thanks."

I watch as Kazunari pours a cup, and then take it from him.  I sit down on the couch and take a sip, savoring the bitter drink that warms my body from the core.  My school doesn't have central heating, which means that each classroom has an AC heater and the hallways don't.  It means that the hallways are always extremely cold, sometimes even colder than outside because of the small winds that come through the cracks.  I yawn.  I take another sip.  Then I almost spit it out, because I hear a loud banging sound to my right, where the door should be.  When I turn, I see a doe-eyed boy standing at the door, his whole body stuck against it.  He seems totally afraid of me, and I figure that he's probably heard of my rumors.

I offer him a small smile before turning away, not wanting to scare him too much.

"Oh, hey, Chanhee," Kazunari says, his voice full of smiles.  Then he gently takes the boy's hand and pulls him over to me.  "Byunghun, this is Lee Chanhee.  He's in you're grade."

"Hi," I offer, and Chanhee waves awkwardly.  He quickly pulls a pencil and a piece of paper out of his bag and writes,

'Hi.  I'm Lee Chanhee, like Kazu hyung said.  You're Lee Byunghun, right?'

I furrow my brows, wondering why he writes instead of speaking, but I shrug it off.  I take the piece of paper and write,

'Yes.  How do you know my name?  Like, my first name.'

He takes the pencil from me and sits on the floor, patting the spot next to him before writing on the paper.

'Not too hard to put your face and name together after hearing a detailed description on your appearance from someone'

He smiles, his eyes turning into slight crescents.  I take a seat next to him on the ground and begin writing again.

'Oh.  You've heard of the rumors?'

'Yes, but I don't think they're true.'

'Really?'

'You look nice.  Even though your eyes look sad.'

I stare at him before laughing lightly.  'Your eyes look tired.'

'That's because I am -.-'

I laugh again, and our eyes meet.  He looks away quickly, and I find a hint of red creeping up Chanhee's cheeks.

'You're not going to ask why I'm not speaking directly to you?' he writes, and his large eyes stare into my face again.

'Do you want me to ask?' I write back, and he bites his lower lip.

'No.  Will you wait until I'm ready to tell you?'

I see his hands shaking as he slides the paper over to me, and I understand that it must be something deep.

"Of course," I say out loud, and I don't miss the look of relief that crosses Chanhee's face.

--

Diary Entry 13

I met Chanhee today.

He has a pretty smile.

--

"Chanhee can't talk, Byunghun," Kazunari told me one day when the boy wasn't there.  "He's lost his voice.  Long term bullying and rejection from his parents put too much stress on him.  I guess it's a mental thing.  Just make sure you treat him with kindness.  He's like a wine glass.  Put just a bit too much pressure on him, and he'll break."

"Why did the bullying hurt him so much?" I found myself asking.  "Was it...that bad?"

"Violence and .  You don't need to know more."  Then Kazunari his game, signalling that this talk was over.

I sure didn't need to.

--

'Kazu hyung told you, didn't he?'

Chanhee looks at me.  I nod without hesitation, because what's the point in lying?

'And you're going to accept the reasons?  Even though they're enough for you to reject me?'

'Why would I reject you for those reasons?'

'Because it means I'm dirty and I'm not pure and...you know...'

"Aw, Channie," I say, taking his shaking hand.  "It's okay.  I don't think you're dirty.  I think you're really pretty.  And nice.  Trut me, let me protect you.  And...don't reject me, either."  I smile crookedly at him.  "Do you want to know why everyone spreads those rumors, and why I'm always alone?  It's because I can't express myself that well.  The only people who actually accept me are my two younger brothers.  Even my parents hate me.  They don't know how to cope with such a failure.  A loser.  I'm scared, Chanhee."  I pause, trying to gather my emotions together.  "I don't want you to reject me, either."

Chanhee looks into my eyes.  We hold our gaze steady, until he looks down to write something down on the paper.  Then he sticks it in my hand before reaching up and kissing my cheek, very lightly.  I look into my hand when he pulls away, smiling, and a smile forms on my own lips.  The words are simple, but they're there, clearly written with his black pencil.

'I won't.  I promise.'

--

When happiness comes, in my case, it becomes broken very easily.

One day, when Kazu was away and Chanhee and I were just chilling in our usual positions on the sofa, several guys came in to the room and saw us.  The smiles that formed on their faces, and the way Chanhee's movements suddenly jerked to a stop was enough to explain that they were not on good terms.

"Well, well, who do we have here?  Little Miss Chanhee and Lee Byunghun who's hated by everyone," one of them says, laughing.  "Hey, Byung, do us a favor and give our little toy back to us, will you?  We've been getting pretty stressed, and, you know, we need to do a few...."  He faked some fake boxing and the others laughed lightly.

"Get out of this room, and stop bothering Channie," I say.

"No can do, my friend," the guy replies.  "We're stressed.  He won't protest because he can't.  It's perfect, don't you think?"

"Oh, you mother fu—"

However, I was soon cut off by Chanhee grabbing my hand.  He looked at me with large eyes and shook his head rapidly.  Then an idea hit me.  What if I went for him?  What if I covered for Chanhee?  That would keep them controlled, and if I didn't fight back....

"I'll go," I say, standing up.  I feel Chanhee panic next to me, and he begins tugging my arm rapidly.  "I'll go, in replacement of Chanhee.  I won't protest.  I swear I won't fight back.  So just leave Chanhee alone."

The guys smile at that, and look to each other.  "Okay, then.  Follow us."

Chanhee had stopped tugging my arm, and now just sat on the ground, limp.  His lower lip trembles and all I can do is his hair, a small sign to show that I'll be okay.  He shakes his head over and over, sniffing, and grabs my pants as if begging me not to go.

"It's okay," I whisper lowly so the others can't hear.  Then I kiss the top of Chanhee's head, as if drawn towards it by a magnet.

"Where are we going?" I ask, and the guys answer, "Rooftop."

"Let's go, then," one of them says, and up the stairs we go.

The punches and kicks fall as soon as I step through the door.  The pain isn't too much as first, but as the punches keep falling, it increases.  Soon, I'm on the ground, barely able to breath without coughing.  There's no blood yet, but I can only imagine how I will look and feel in a few minutes' time.  But it was for Chanhee.

"We're going to make it so painful for you," they say, taking a break from hurting me.  "You took away our toy.  This is your punishment.  And that counsellor.  We can do so much to him, since he is pretty small and weak."  They laugh, and it takes me a moment to realize that they're talking about Kazu.

"If you lay one finger on either of them, I'll fight back," I choke out, and they kick my side.  I let out a cry, and I could already feel the bruises forming.  My lower lip is already split, and my cheek is swelling, too.  I touch the swollen skin lightly, and the pain it gives is incredible.  My hand falls to my side, limp, as I glare up at them.  "Is this all you've got?"

I can just imagine how much red the guys are seeing now.  One of the guys begin kicking me again, while another grabs me by the hair.  They're about to punch my cheek when the door flies open, and several physical education teachers come in, along with the nurse, Kazu, and Chanhee.  Chanhee.  Chanhee.  

"What are you guys doing!?" Kazu shouts, and grabs one of them by the collar.  He then shoves the kid to the ground, parts the others, and then runs over to me with the nurse.  "And what are you doing, Byunghun?  You...you imbecile!"

I flinch at his loud voice, and also at the ice pack that the nurse suddenly presses against my cheek.  The guys and the phys ed teachers had disappeared from the rooftop.  My eyes automatically search for Chanhee, and he's there, crouched in front of me, taking care of the cuts on my arms.  He lifts up my shirt, sees the damage there, and then pulls it down with tears in his eyes.  His eyes swim around, but he throws himself on top of me once the nurse finishes.  I hear the door close to a gentle shutting sound, and Chanhee nuzzles his nose into my neck.  I inhale his sweet scent.

"You're so dumb...."

At that moment, everything stops.  It wasn't me who said that.  It wasn't Kazu, either.  It was....

"Ah, ahh....  I can...I can talk," Chanhee says.  His voice sounds gravelly from underuse, but it's still there.  It's a bit lower than I'd imagined, but it suits him.  It has a soft touch to it.  "I can talk, Byunghun.  I can...I can...!"

He trails off, because I pull him into a kiss.  I press my lips to his soft, plump ones.  I'd always wanted to do this.  At the moment, I didn't really care.  I don't care if Kazu's watching.  I don't care if Chanhee doesn't feel the same way.  I want to kiss him.  So I did.

Next to us, someone sniffs.

I pull away to find Kazu blinking several times before rubbing his eyes.

"Kazu hyung...."

"I'm not crying!"

--

'Why?' Chanhee asks a few weeks later.  He slides the paper over to me, his eyes downcast.  Even though his voice had returned, we had spent so much time talking to each other through writing, so we continued on that way.

'Why, what?'

'Why did you kiss me?'

"Oh.  That."  I laugh sheepishly, but he doesn't seem to find it funny.  I take the pencil from him and write, 'Well, why do you think?'

'You just did it because of the atmosphere.'

'You're one negative person... -.-'

'Well why else?'  He slams the pencil down and glares at me, his lips set in a cute pout.

"Because I love you," I say.  In reality, it's much more than that.  I have too many feelings for him that I can't decipher.

'LIAR'  This time, he breaks the pencil in half as he sets it down.

"What?  It's true, I love y—"

"Then prove it," Chanhee says, cutting me off.  His eyes are glassy as he stares into mine.  "Prove it," he repeats.  This time, his voice is as soft as cotton.

So I do.  I take his hand, pull him forward, and kiss his forehead.  Then his eyelids.  Then his nose, his cheeks, and finally, his lips.  I don't linger there for long.  I'd put all of my feelings into that short second.  I can only hope that he received it.

He pushes me away, his face flushed.  "I hate you," he mumbles as he storms over to the other sofa.

Oh.  He hates me.

That puts so much shock on me that I sit there, eyes and mouth wide open like a fish.  I'm snapped back to reality, however, when Chanhee throws a piece of crumpled paper at me.

"Read it," he says.  His cheeks and ears are still red, but he's avoiding me.  Avoiding.

I open up the crumpled paper, ready for a broken heart.  Instead, I almost get a broken leg because I crash my leg into the coffee table as I throw myself on top of Chanhee, ready to give him a thousand kisses.

On the paper were his feelings, as well as the words I'd been waiting for someone to say to me for such a long time.

'I love you, and I'm never going to leave your side.  Never.'

--

Diary Entry 24

Chanhee loves me.

I love him too.

a/n: this fic is mostly conversations awh

BUt guest appearance by Nino~ my bias from Arashi<3 I made him a lot cuter and straightforward than he is in real life though lol.

Did you guys like the fic?  I personally really like it.  This is probably my favorite story that I've ever written (in the ChunJoe category ofc).  Comments are appreciated and loved~<3<3<3 please forgive any mechanical mistakes, neh? ^^