How I Wish: Can You Hear My Heart?

I always have this best friend of mine, Cho Kyuhyun. His so nice and handsome but quite snobby to those who’s not close to him. He always treat me so especial, gives me this and that even if I don’t really needed it. Claiming that it’s a gift because I’m ‘cute’ today or something like because you’ve been with me for so long now. Does he like me, you ask? Nope, he doesn’t. Why? Because he has a girlfriend that everyone wanted. She’s pretty and tall, with her eyes big, beaming innocence. I never have a problem with her because just like Kyuhyun, she’s nice as well. We shared a dorm room in college and her girlfriend always snuck all the way here to hang out with us. We’re best buddies but whenever they’re all so lovey-dovey, I excused myself out. Afraid to disturbed the privacy they ought to have. One Monday night in the middle of the school year and the near end of the semester, Kyuhyun’s been acting weird. No, it has nothing to do with his lover. This is mainly because of school. We don’t share the same course but we’ve been seeing each other in some of our class since we made sure to get the same schedule when we have the same subjects. Some of our dorm mates and classmates called us lovebirds. I don’t know why but Kyuhyun said that it might be because we’re always together. But despite the teasing we never bothered to avoid each other or make our closeness less ‘intimate’.

So back to the present, it’s Monday night and Kyuhyun has been hissing, flipping the books here and there. He was fuming! For the last two weeks he’s been very busy, I hardly talk to him but we still do. I know too that he hasn’t been seeing his girlfriend for weeks now since his schedule got hectic. In the process of flipping, he accidentally threw a notebook of mine. Unlike other’s it is not just a simple one… my diary.

“Chill out, Kyu.” I said, giggling at him as I hug my diary close to me. He stopped for a while only to look back at me, staring at my violet note. “What?” I asked, reaching for my bag to keep my diary in. I always treasure it since this is the 5th installment of the set. Since we’ve become friends I start writing a diary and grow a great fond of it that I continue writing from the first one. It wants to give it to him the moment we graduated, because I am certain we won’t meet again after.

“I can’t chill out.” He answered, eyeing my bag and smirk at me. “Writing a diary is so girly, Wook.”

I lectured him about this and that. About him acting so badly and miserable for the past few weeks. That he just sit in here and fume and snap at me when I try to chill him out. He was silent for a while and I know that he thinks that I am right. That he‘s making things tense in our little room.

He hates being told he was wrong and I knew it well. “Goddamnit! You whine a lot!” he stood up and grab his jacket and I already know that he wanted to get away from the accusations, “You can’t face facts when it comes to yourself.” I said, hiding the smile that forms my lips. He put on his jacket and approaches me. He wanted to hit me, I know but I didn’t flinch. He is bigger and stronger than I am but I know that he can’t hit me. He couldn’t hit me. He’s always harsh and snobby when it comes to others but when it comes to me… I know he is soft. I know I gained a soft spot deep inside him. Because just like me to him. I am the only guy he could talk and hang out with anytime and feel comfortable with.

“Let’s go.” He only said, grabbing my jacket from the hook and throw it on me. Helping me on my feet. “Where are we going, Kyu?” I asked smiling wide. I always enjoyed coming out with him. It was like a … date.

Kyuhyun didn’t answer me anything, but the moment he stopped the car I already know we’re at going at a bar. As we sat at the stool, the waitress came and asks us what we wanted to drink. I didn’t bother ordering an alcohol but Kyuhyun did. In the middle of our talk the waitress came holding a can of cola I ordered and Kyuhyun’s Vodka. We start to take a few sips of our separate drink. We talked about the most random thing. We start talking about the people me met at the bar, the girl who asked me for a dance and the gay couple who talked with us minutes ago. Like the people at school, they asked if we’re dating or anything. Before, we never talked about this thing. We don’t care what people think. We talked about how wonderful the two were together and get how sad when we heard people talks bad about them. 

Until I dumbly ask about his girlfriend’s sudden absence. “She? I don’t know but she never contacted me this past few weeks.” He replied and if my guess we’re right, I think he’s fuming because of that. For a ‘heart-broken’ boy, I know I shouldn’t ask him about his love life now. But I have a thing with his story. I’d enjoy listening to his love life. It was like knowing him even deeper with his stories. His opinions about this and that. Though being the handsome hunk he was he never had many girlfriends, he don’t even entertain flings. It’s rare to have a handsome guy to stick to only one person. That’s why I think his girlfriend is lucky.

I never have a girlfriend or anything… but I do have some girl friends. And as long as possible, I always avoided the topic about me being with someone. Sometime in the conversation, I start to think to myself about what would happen if I told him my secret? Would he abandon me like my old friends? Never talk to me? Would he be still my best friend? Almost half of our talk I know I wasn’t being responsive that I didn’t even heard his next question until he repeated it.

“Why you don’t have a girlfriend?” he asked, looking intently into my eyes. I stared at him in return, breaths growing heavy. What should I tell him?

“Come on! We’re talking about you and her.” I whine, pouting to him to avoid the attention being spotted into me. I know I’m blushing madly, I can feel the heat that usually hot tingly feeling crept up to my cheeks when I’m being studied by him. The bar lights were dancing in every different lively colors that was scattered to everywhere. Lighting just anyone in the midst of the huge crowd. As I look at him again, he was shining! Like, literally shining, purple light dancing above him. Why him? I always ask myself but never got an answer.  

“What? Don’t look me like that.” he teased, grinning down at me. I remember the time when I shouted at him for showing me that smile. It’s always making my heart to leap! I look down at my cola in hand and said nothing. “Wook, I don’t want to talk about her, okay?” he admitted but I didn’t answer still. He heard him sigh and asked it again. “Why you don’t have a girlfriend or maybe you had but never tell me?”

Almost immediately I flailed my hands in the air saying that I don’t really have anyone. He laughed and said “You’re cute”. I guess he’s a little bit tipsy now though he always called me cute I know he’d never dare say it in public, where HE can be mistaken.

“I… I like guys, okay?” there, I finally said it! Now, I’ll repeat my concern: What would happen after I told him my secret? Would he abandon me like my old friends? Never talk to me? Would he be still my best friend? Those thought scared me. But I know he