❝things come and go;
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                                                                              AND NOTHING WAS PERMANENT BUT CHANGE.

 

 

 

Things come and go and nothing was permanent but change. There were so many things that were temporary. Many, many things. Sometimes, it’s love. Yes. Love. And for Kibum, Jonghyun was the living proof of that.

 

He knew it was time-bound; what they had was definite, and it was about time that Jonghyun would’ve grown tired. Tired of him and basically, just anything related to him. It was always like that for Kibum. Not everyone lasts, and everything was bound to an end. People would be fine with him at first, and then as time flew by they’d get sick of him and treat him like . But he already knew he really was . In fact, he was nothing but . He didn’t need to sugar-coat that. He was someone, actually no, something to get tired of. He was just pathetic crap.

 

He was used to it already. He was used to being thrown out of people’s lives and being replaced afterwards. He really was nothing but . And Jonghyun, just as he expected, was no different from the others. He already anticipated Jonghyun leaving him.

 

Seeing Jonghyun with somebody else wasn’t supposed to hurt, right? Seeing him replace him with someone better shouldn’t pierce his heart and crumple it like what Jonghyun does to his incompetent business reports, right? It wasn’t supposed to hurt. It wasn't supposed to. At all.

 

But it did. And it hurt twice as much as the other incidents he’d had before.

 

He knew Jonghyun had someone else. The sight of him openly flirting with the other party was enough to show him that. The sight of him reaching for that person’s hand, covering it with the warmth of his, and then softly smiling at that someone who wasn’t him already did the job of proving his unworthiness to Jonghyun. He didn’t have to question it. He already knew that once again, he was a mere nothing to another person’s life.

 

But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Because it did, twice as much.

 

Usually, he wouldn’t give a when he was left by others, but there was this urge for him to care this time and it was making him confused. No. It would be better to say that it was driving him into total insanity. Why was he like this? Why was Jonghyun different? Why was he hurting so much? Why?

 

The questions flew into Kibum’s mind but unlike the usual, they didn’t fly out as quickly as they flew in. They were there in his mind, filling it up completely and were pushing its walls, enough to make Kibum want his mind to explode and just let go. He wanted to let go of Jonghyun just like how he would let go of others. He didn’t want to break because of him, because Jonghyun was no one special. Supposedly. He can't be special. Not to Kibum. But it was  too late to engrave that onto Kibum's heart and mind. Jonghyun had already become special to him.

 

He still didn't want to break though. Still being complete and being able to stand was all that was left of him,  so he decided with one thing: he would not let a single teardrop fall with Jonghyun being the reason for it. He’s going to break it off with Jonghyun without stumbling on his own words, without letting his voice waver and without crumbling from his own doing. He was going to let go of Jonghyun as smoothly as how Jonghyun lied to him about staying committed and having Kibum as his only one. And though he knew it stupid to expect that someone would treat him precious enough to be his only one, he still did. And it hurt. Twice as much.

 

Then, the morning came. The morning in which he was finally going to break it off with Jonghyun. His special Jonghyun.

 

“Not that I’d want you to stay… you petty little heart thief,” Jonghyun snorted at Kibum’s words, nuzzled his nose unto the crook of the other’s neck and wrapped his arms around him.

 

“Stop it, you,” Kibum lightly shoved his chest, biting on his lower lip as he did so.

 

“You’re such a tease, you know?” Kibum faced him with an annoyed expression, but a teasing expression was shot back at him. Of course, Kibum couldn’t help but be in awe. Jonghyun was so damn manipulative.

 

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow at him, “Don’t pretend that you don’t like it, Kibum.” That earned him a slap on the arm from the other.

 

“Go and leave for work already, Jjong. You’re gonna be late again.” And your boss would have to ‘talk’ to you after work again.

 

“Screw work," Jonghyun gave the other a peck on the nose, while his bare arms enveloped the other's slender form tighter. "I’ve missed you loads, baby.” Jonghyun’s full lips formed a pout.

 

“Shut up. I’m not falling for that. Your tricks aren’t going to work this time, mister.”

 

“It’ll work. Trust me. I’m too irresistible.” Jonghyun nuzzled his nose into the crook of Kibum’s neck again.

 

“Hmn. Not working.” Why do you even bother acting like this? I’m . You don’t have to pretend that I’m actually worth anything. I’m a waste of time, of effort, of everything.

 

“Work’s such an , okay. It’s so, so much better here with you.” Kibum closed his eyes as the sound of  Jonghyun’s voice rolled into his ear. He leaned back against his pillow, closing his eyes and letting the morning sunlight cascade over his eyelids. Jonghyun’s voice was as smooth as ever, unwavering and beautiful even.

 

“Hmn,” Lies. Just a bunch of lies. ”Really? But I thought I was the one who was an ?”

 

“Oh god. Kibum. I thought we’ve gone through this already? I thought you already got it? You’re not an —- well, you’ve got the , but that’s not the point." He chuckled lightly, the chime of his voice making Kibum's body tingle. "You nag a bit too much at times, but that’s just who you are and I love you for that. I love you.” Jonghyun straightened from his spot, removed his arm from the embrace and leaned against the bed’s headboard.

 

“Really?” Don't do this to me. I'm so tired of trying to hide everything from you. The pain. The anger. The fear. Everything.

 

“Really.” Jonghyun’s hand reached for Kibum’s and he gave the other a reassuring squeeze. Just like how he did it with his boss. Just like what he’s trying to cover up with his lies.

 

Kibum sat up, his hand still in Jonghyun’s and scooted in between the other's legs. Their bodies were so close, that he could feel the warmth of Jonghyun’s well-shaped torso. He loved this warmth. It used to be what was truly reassuring to him; it was like his home. But it felt different now, foreign. He breathed in Jonghyun’s scent: musky and relaxing. He breathed out what was stopping him from letting go. He reached for Jonhyun’s chin, pulled his face closer to his, closed his eyes and let their lips graze against each other. This would be the last, his mind reeled, he felt the tears forming at the back of his eyelids. No. He wasn’t going to cry. Not for Jonghyun.

 

Jonghyun's hot breath tickled his lips, spreading the heat he needed in his heart. Their lips remained stagnant for seconds. Their hands stayed interlocked though it was getting clammy. Their unclothed skin touched at the right places. Their blood pumped fast and made them both flush. It felt so good. It was addicting. But he had to let go.

 

He softly pressed his lips onto Jonghyun's, feeling the moisture and warmth. They exchanged breaths, the feeling of ecstasy overpowering. Slowly, they let their tongues slip in. Slowly, Kibum let himself get closer and limp against Jonghyun's chest. He took in the feeling, keeping it as a beautiful memory and savored the sucrose-sweet kiss they shared. This would be the last, he thought as he breathed out in between the fluid movements of their mouths. This would be the last and nothing more.

 

"Jonghyun." Kibum's eyes remained closed as he pulled away from the embrace.

 

"Kibum, I love you." Jonghyun replied, out of breath. Kibum remained silent, skimming through their memories in his head as if it were a children's storybook; the one his mother used to read to him, before she had left him.

 

"Don't, Jjong. J-Just don't try anymore," Kibum opened his eyes to see a teary-eyed Jonghyun in front of him. "I know. And it's alright. I understand." Kibum sighed and wiped away the tear that had rolled down his own cheeks. He wasn't going to cry. But he did. This would be the last time, he repeated for another time that it hurt. It really did hurt. Twice as much.

 

He saw a tear slip out of Jonghyun's eyes. He leaned forward and kissed Jonghyun's cheek, tasting the salty wetness that had settled onto it. This would be the last time.

 

"Kibum," Jonghyun whispered ever so softly against Kibum's cheek. "I'm sorry."

 

"Shh. It's okay. This would be the last. And nothing more." With one last kiss on Jonghyun's warm lips, with one last taking in of Jonghyun's scent, with one last time of feeling Jonghyun's smooth flaming skin, Kibum inched away. Trying so hard not to look back at Jonghyun, he dressed up, took his stuff and left the room.

 

 Jonghyun meanwhile remained still, his eyes closed as he heard Kibum leave. Minutes passed and he remained as he was.

 

This is my ing fault. He's gone. Forever. He's alone. Once again. And it's because of me. It's because of me. Guilt and pain wrapped around his heart. It was piercingly agonizing and unbearable. And what he did was completely unforgivable.

 

His heart was screaming for him to go after him. His heart was screaming out loud. His heart was screaming louder than his mind, and so his body followed what his heart had been screaming. He ran. He stumbled down the staircase, feeling as if it would never end. He stumbled until he heard a loud crash just outside his apartment suite. His knees weakened, heart thumping with anxiety, pain and adrenaline mixing altogether. He fumbled for the railing as his knees neared to collapsing under his weight.

 

It can't be Kibum. Oh god. Please, no. He clutched at his chest, ruffling the ed dress shirt underneath his fist as he did so. Breathing in, he continued to rush down the staircase, opening the backdoor exit and rushing towards the parking lot beside his apartment. He was welcomed by the bright light from the vehicle's headlights. To his front, he saw a motorcycle crashed against Kibum's car. For a moment, he thought Kibum was gone. That he was too late. But then next second, as he sighed in relief, came a screeching sound from his right. As he turned towards the sound, he was showered by a bright light and everything just became dark black with red tinges of pain.

 

From the other side of the lot stood the very much alive Kibum. Jaw dropped open, his breath hitched from what he had seen. He was given the chance of a second life, but at the same time, what was his whole life at the moment was taken away from him within a minute. Almost tripping over his own legs, he flung himself as he neared Jonghyun. Feeling the warm liquid soaking his shirt and seeing its redness coating his lover's barren torso. For some reason, he still had the rationality to call the emergency hotline; only God knows why, but it's probably because of the hope he had that Jonghyun wouldn't be too injured and would fall back into his arms, all smiles, healthily warm and beautiful.

 

Jonghyun's eyes opened a bit, only for him to see Kibum alive. "Kibum," He sighed, a small smile forming only to tug on the other's heart in a painful way.

 

"You idiot; going out without a shirt. You'd catch a cold." Kibum lightly punched Jonghyun's arm, his tears flowing.

 

"I'm sorry, Kibum." Jonghyun's words hit Kibum like knives. Why did I leave him? Why? Now look at yourself, Kibum. You're losing someone again. You're losing your everything.

 

"No. Don't be, Jonghyun. Don't be. Stay with me, Jjong. Don't do this to me. Stay with me. Please," Hushing Jonghyun, he pulled the other to a much tighter embrace, "I don't want to lose someone I love again. You're all I have left, Jonghyun. Don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I love you. I love you. I love you."

 

"I'm so sorry. You'll find someone... someone even better and worthy of being with you," Jonghyun said, gagging from the lack of air in his body. "I love you, Kibum... I truly do... and always will." Gasping for air, his eyes rolled back, his grip on Kibum's hand tightened and so did both of their hearts.

 

"Jonghyun. No. , Jjong. Breathe. They'll take you to the hospital soon. No, Jjong. Stay alive. Stay with me," Kibum shook the delicate bloody male in his arms. "You can still breathe, Jjong. I know you can." He gave himself false hope, as he tried to numb the unbearable pain in his heart and mind.

 

Why did you leave me? How can you do this to me? He heard the sirens of the ambulance.

 

I'm sorry, Jonghyun. I'm so, so sorry. There was ringing in his ears. His eyesight blurred with both tears and hurt.

 

How do I live now? When you're no longer here? His breathing turned into shallow gasps. His arms lost its strength.

 

I'm alone. Again. Everything went black. It was about time he rested. For when he awakens, Jonghyun will no longer be there.

 

 

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✉(A/N).

Unedited. orz. Please forgive me. I just felt like writing again because lol slow internet. And this has been on hold for months haha. Thank. Yeah.

 

 

( h a r l e q u i n. )