My knight in shining armour,

          It's been hell, these past few months; the bitter cold and the biting winds, the treacherous ice and the freezing snow. The sun doesn't shine anymore; well it probably does, I just wouldn't know.

          I've locked myself away you see, because I just don't know how to find the will to keep on living, when the one you love is taken away. How do people do it? Do they just forget the person ever existed? Or do they pretend like they're still around?

          It's a confusing sentiment, to allow your mind to imagine these destructive thoughts, when logic is telling you to move on and make new decisions.

          I've never been able to understand; never been able to let go. But this lonely road of solitude can only last for so long, before people start to chip away at your walls and break into your isolated bubble - whether you want them to or not.

          They're trying to break down my walls, but nothing is truly happening; no progress is being made, because all I can do is rebuild the same walls when they all turn away.

          They've thought of sending me away, to somewhere else in this world, but the sympathetic stares all reach the same conclusion - to give me time. Time for what though? To adjust? To accept? To grieve? I don't know. All that I'm sure of is that you're gone and I'm alone.

          All alone in this world of puppetry and hatred, my one source of light and happiness - gone. They don't understand; they never will. Certainly, they'll miss the times you had with them, but they never loved you like I did. And they'll never see you in the same light, the same level of respect or the same sense of equality.

          I hoped that one day, we'd stand as one and that dream was so close to us;  close enough to be seen as it was destroyed. I think that was what broke us the most, seeing our dream destroyed right before our eyes; black and white paper, with the fancy formal lettering on the top of the page.

          They don't know how that one decision nearly crushed our very desires to live and it wasn't until you were actually gone, out of my arms forever, that we shattered completely.

          It took everything I had, not to follow you onto that plane and to escape; I wonder what they would say if they knew of these thoughts of mine.

          They would most likely call me insane, to be wanting to throw away my life here, but they don't understand that you are my life and without you, I'm nothing. But still, the show must go on, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how badly I want to just lie down and forget the outside world for however long I please, I'm still liable to this company and this group.

          The days are filled with practice, schedules and I'm beginning to avoid all spare time I have, because it's in those little moments of rest that you appear in my dreams; smiling and happy, crying and destroyed.

          I'll admit that I cried - howled and wailed, actually - most nights after your leave and it hasn't been easy to work my way back from the brink of suicide.

          Because everything feels empty without you, especially my cold, dilapidated and blackened heart. I'm not entirely sure what will happen to me now, what I'll allow myself to achieve, but one thing I'm certain of is that we'll meet again. I'll make sure of it, even if I have to leave my house and all my friends, because that house is not my home - you are. It'll be hard for them to lose me, but I know they can carry on as well as ever.

         We're not small boys anymore and they'll accept the fact that it just wasn't meant to be.

          Of course, they'll wait for us, to return or to give them notice of something happening, but I honestly don't think that anything will be said or done once I leave. They mean well and good, but actions are always louder than words.

          Do you remember? The days of happiness and laughter that we fought so long for? The days when we could just sit back and relax - when we could just be ourselves? They're all gone now and with them the happiness from my heart. Gone; eviscerated with a sharp scalpel.

          At least mine is, anyway.

          Everyone else seems to push forward and forget.

           Was our love for each other really so taboo? Was it; is it, a sin to want you? You know I'm Aethiest and somehow, I think this may be God's way of exacting his revenge.

           I can feel it Hannie, the blood coursing through my veins, keeping my body healthy but my soul has died. You took my happiness when you left, because you were my happiness.

           The voices are back.They're telling me to end it. One cut would do the trick, wouldn't it? Then I'd be free. Free to wait for you and we can finally be together.

          I could do it Hannie, but wouldn't that be giving up? Kim Heechul doesn't give up without a fight... Right?Then why do I feel so calm, standing here with a kitchen knife? Shouldn't I be terrified?

           I should be, shouldn't I? But I'm not.

           That's it. I've made up my mind, Hannie. I'm going to do it. I can't stand being a broken doll.

           I'll be waiting for you on the other side, my precious Chinaman. You'll always be this Cinderella's Prince Charming.

           I love you.

           Kim Heechul.

.:~*~:.

Han Geng started, as warm liquid began to seep from his eyes and drip onto the paper in his hands. It took him a moment to realise he was crying and he glared at the grave in front of him.

It was black and gold, the details as twisted and flamboyant as Heechul had been. Too bad the only testimonies to that statement were memories and word of mouth.

At Sooman's word, everything with even the slightest hint of Kim Heechul was destroyed. Books, videos, company records; it was like the fiery diva had never even existed.

The grand headstone told a different story.

Han Geng fell to his knees beside the grave, tears coming harder and faster, his fist beating weakly against the ceramic glaze, "I told you I'd come back for you," he sobbed, "Why couldn't you wait for me?"

There seemed no end to his tears, as the Chinese man sat by the grave, head bent into his knees. 

Watching from behind a weeping willow, Kim Heechul felt his chest grow tight with guilt, as each sob rattled his lover's body, "I'm sorry, Hannie." He whispered, "I'll wait for you this time. I promise."

As the afternoon faded into dusk, so did Kim Heechul's body, fading slowly until nothing but a single cherry blossom remained.

- fin.

There we have it everyone. I hope it's okay?Please leave a comment and tell me what you thought? It's 1:45AM here, so I'm gonna go sleep now. Baiiiii.

xoxo Raine