Spare Keys

I can still see his blood shot eyes whenever I close mine. I can still hear that ear- splitting sound when my hands collided with his soft cheeks. I can still remember the gasp that Sungjong made and how the bag fell from Sunggyu's shoulder upon seeing what I did. I had to do that. I had to.

Atleast once. Before I end up everything between us. Before I say goodbye.

Two weeks ago, I was madly in love with a beautiful man named Kim Myungsoo. He was a member of a band named Infinite. He, or should I say, THEY, are famous.

His face is everywhere. Everyone talks about them.

I did say the word "WAS" in my first sentence, because from this day on, I want to believe that I'm no longer in the fairytale land I was in. I will no longer be staying in their tour bus, and be chatting and laughing with his group members. I will no longer be hiding in his hotel room. I will no longer wait for him backstage.

In fact, everything will just fade in my life that I have to face the truth that I will no longer have him.

And that hurts.

No more sweet kisses on the forehead that wakes me up every morning. No more backhugs that startles me in the kitchen when I'm cooking. No more laughs. No more him. No more us. No more.

I woke up that Tuesday morning, receiving a phone call from my mom.

"I told you so.. I knew this would happen."

"What are you talking about mom?"

"Look honey, don't pretend that everything's fine between you and Myungsoo. Your father and I have heard of it. The issue made it on the local news papers. Please don't tell me that you're still with him. Don't be stupid."

The thing is, my parents weren't Myungsoo's biggest fans. They dislike him. They've always believed that this secret relationship we had won't last. It almost slapped them in the face when Myung and I reached our second anniversary. Still, they couldn't trust him.

"This is temporary. One day, you'll wake up from this dream land, realizing that he is not your prince charming. Think about it." My dad's voice echoes in my head.

Now I know that my mom doesn't like him either. But right now, I just couldn't understand what she's talking about.

"What. Just.. What are you talking about, mom? I can't understand. Myungsoo's not here in the country, you know. Infinite's on a tour."

"Oh. Your father and I know that. And you know, it surprised us that the girl involved is not a foreigner. We were kind of expecting that when he does that, he'd atleast be doing it with another girl that's not from here.." My mom's voice was shaking. Almost sympathetic. But I still don't understand.

"He's been cheating on you. For four months now. The girl has already spoken. She's also made it to the news. I'm so sorry honey. I..."

The rest of my mom's words became a blur. I didn't even notice the stream of tears falling from my eyes like the flow of Niagara falls. My phone fell from my hand. And my heart.. My heart felt like it's been stabbed by thousands of knives. I can't breathe. I can't even stand that my knees fell on the carpeted floor of my room.

Is this even true? Should I believe this? Or should I ask Myung first? Myung wouldn't do this to me. How come I don't know anything about this? This issue made it to the local news papers? I read news papers everyday in the faculty. How could he even do this? Myung isn't that type. He wouldn't just throw away the two years we've spent together. I am his. And he is mine.

Right?

The rest of the day faded that I didn't even know what else had happened.

I woke up to Sungjong's voice who was shaking me with a terrified voice.

"Noona? Noona? Why are you sleeping on the floor?"

"What?" I mumbled. I opened my eyes and squinted from the blinding light. "How did you get in here?" I asked him as he helped me get up.

"Spare keys." He fished the dangling keys from his pockets.

"We got home this morning. Hyung called from your faculty, but the other teachers there said you didn't come to school today. So he told me to come here and check you."

What happened again... Oh.

"Sungjong... Can I.. ask you something?"

I bit my lip. I can feel my sweat running from the side of my neck.

"Uh, sure noona. What is it?" His voice was almost hesitant. Does he know about it too? Am I the only one who's innocent about this matter?

"How..

.. How was your tour?"

I decided to play innocent about the issue.

No one would tell me anything. Myung and the whole Infinite didn't even say a word about it. So I pretended not to know about it. But of course, I've seen the news papers, what my parents had been talking about.

It was about this girl named Kim Doyeon who claims that she and Myung have been dating recently. I almost wanted to laugh at her. How could she have the guts to spread tweets about how she misses MY boyfriend's touch? Woollim didn't release any statement about her. So I decided to let this slip. After all, she looks like some attention- seeking girl who wanted to catch the spot light.

Only she did a desperate step on this one.

I applaud her for the effort of showing pictures which she calls her "proof" that Myung and her, really, are dating. Delusional, may I say.

"So what do you think..?" Myung asked.

I didn't know he was talking. I forgot that we were even together here in their dorm today. I forgot that he was sitting right next to me. "I.. I think it's great." I nodded, pretending that I'm agreeing with what he's trying to say.

"You think so?" He pressed and I nodded. "What about the zebras that were killed in the beach?"

"What?" I asked. "What zebras?"

"You weren't really listening to me, were you?"

I heaved a heavy breath and shook my head, "No sorry."

What's the point of denying anyway? This man knows me too much.

"What were you saying?"

"Nevermind. I'll just ask that again next time." He said. "You know, I just noticed... Lately you've been having so much trance. Can you tell me what's bothering you? You're not always like this."

Should I tell him? Before our relationship even started, we've talked about the possibilities of his name being dragged into different issues. And this issue was one of those. I don't want him to think that I'm a creepy, clingy, and possessive girlfriend just because of the rumors spreading.

But what can I do?

"I'm just tired.. And the room is just.. stuffed, I guess."

He frowned. "Tell me what's wrong."

With a heavy sigh, I held his hand and looked down.

"Have you seen the news lately? Or even watched TV recently?" I looked at him in the eye. His eyes were clouded with confusion. He shook his head for a 'no'.

"There's this news.. about you... seeing a girl.. that's.. that's not me."

He furrowed his brows. "And what do they say?"

"Does the name Kim Doyeon ring any bells to you?"

I ignored his question. Myungsoo was quiet for a minute before he said, "Yes."

"Oh." I nodded once. "So..."

How do I say this? Tell him that, 'Oh, I heard you were cheating on me with her. Nice try Myung. You could've atleast chosen someone who'd crush my self esteem and not some attention seeking ulzzang.'

No. No I sound dead creepy.

"So.. she was an old acquaintance. Met her four months ago." I looked up to meet his eyes, but he was looking on the floor.

"You've heard about this.. haven't you?" I pressed. I can't take this anymore. I trust him. And if he's not hiding anything from me, then I shouldn't be bothered by any of this.

But something tells me that I should be bothered.

"You knew, even when you were in tour.. You knew that there were issues about you and her."

I continued.

He was dead silent. He's not even looking at me. It's as if I'm not beside him.

"Didn't you, Myung?"

I forgot that there were other people in the room. I didn't quite notice that my voice dominated in here. I forgot that the other members were here too. But I could care less. I want to hear everything from him.

"The thing is.." Myung's voice cracked. "It was a one time thing. I didn't know she would expect it to.."

"What did you say?!" I gasped.

"I.. I didn't know.. I didn't mean it to happen this way."

"So it's true."

I can't believe this.

I couldn't even catch my breath anymore. My hands are shaking from anger, and my whole world is spinning. "You.. and her. Huh."

I can't do this. I have to get out of here. I have to go away. Now.

I stood up from the couch, grabbed my bag and headed for the door.

"Wait! Please, listen to me! You don't understand!" He grabbed my hand but I yanked it away. I'm trying very hard to push back the tears that are threatening to flow out. I can't let him see me crying.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Get out! Now! Don't cry. Come on.

"Don't touch me!"

I wanted to run away but his arms are caging my waist that I have to hit him so hard to set me free.

"Let me go you cheating !"

"Please, please, just listen to me!"

"No! I don't want to hear anything from you! Ever!"

I managed to free myself from him and run to the door but who am I kidding?

He was still able to catch me.

"Stop! Don't go! I love you! Please, you have to hear what I have to say!"

He pulled me to face him but I only slapped him so hard, that the only sound resonating from the room was how my palm collided with his soft, delicate skin.

The bag from Sunggyu's shoulder fell. Sungjong gasped. Woohyun was looking but his eyes weren't even sympathetic at all. Sungyeol, Hoya and Dongwoo were dead silent.

"Liar."

And that was my chance to run for the door.

I haven't been myself these past few days. I feel like a zombie. I don't even bother to sleep anymore.

Myung tried to call. He and his group is going to leave the country again in two days. He even tried to come by my flat to talk to me. But I just couldn't bear to see his face. Or hear his voice. And I think that's better that I don't see him before he leaves. (or for the rest of my life)

You see the thing is, he cheated on me. And you know what's the worst part about it? s, who I treated friends, knew about it too.

I wanted to cry, and at the same time I wanted to punch him in the face while telling him how much I trusted him and that he threw it all away. I wanted to feed him everything that he gave me, let his god damn mouth chew all the photos that we took together and the post cards and letters that he sent when he was away. I wanted to yell at him and call him 'bastard', 'cheater', 'liar' or any other strings of profanities that may come out of my mouth.

But most of all, I want to bury him and that girl named Doyeon.

I swear that if they get hit by a bus, I WOULD BE DRIVING THAT BUS.

You'd think I'm stupid and crazy for imagining these stuff.

But I'm only thinking this way because I'm mad at him. And I'm so mad at myself too. I just couldn't accept that fact that he's too hard to erase from my heart. He will always be my love. I will always adore his voice. I will always fall in love with how he tries so hard to cook for me every morning. I will always be captivated by his breath- taking smile. I will always be serenaded with the soung of his voice.

He will always be a reminder to me that life is beautiful.

Or should I say was.

What they did was beyond painful. I couldn't even open my eyes properly anymore. I am hurt. Very much. My heart is even feeling this physical pain as if it's been ripped from my chest.

He threw it all away.

I haven't touched my phone since that day. It's been a week now, but the days felt like years. Every breath that I take is so heavy.

I need to move on and forget this happened. I have to face the truth. From this day forward, I'm going to live my life without him.

And two and a half weeks without him has already passed. Why the hell am I still thinking about him?

Oh right. I spent ing two whole years of my life, loving him. Guess I must not be surprised.

I woke up to the sound of the clinking pans in the kitchen. Who could that be? A burglar? I got up from my bed and brought a jar with me. So in case there really is someone in there who is after my life, I can easily hit his head and run for the door.

But I wasn't expecting what or who I saw in the kitchen.

It's him.

"What are you doing here?!"

My voice came out icy. And the spoon fell from Myung's hand so I guess I startled him.

"And how on Earth did you get in?"

He faced me slowly and smiled. But his smile doesn't reach his eyes. His hair is so messy like a monkey decided to do his hair- do for today. His tired eyes are forming dark circles under. His face is so pale like the snow falling from outside.

But.. He's still beautiful. And my heart is aching from the sight of his face.

"I used the spare keys." he said.

Damn. I knew I should've changed the locks.

"You need to get out now. I have a class to attend to at 8."

I managed a straight- face. I can't let my guard fall now.

"It's Saturday today."

Oh.

I stood there awkwardly, fighting the urge not to run to him. I can't.

He took two steps forward slowly, but I backed off, "Don't." I said. "Just go now."

I can't fight it any more. I was like, 'Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!' But my tearducts were like, 'Oh come on. Let's flow like water falls on this .'

And before I knew it, the tears sprung freely from my eyes.

"Just go. I don't need you."

But he didn't listen. He just moved forward, pushed me into his chest and hugged me tight.

"I'm so, so, sorry." Myung is crying. "I'll make it up to you. I didn't mean to.. Please forgive me."

I wanted to tell him so many things but my voice won't let me say anything. Instead I became like a crying mess and I continuously punched him in the chest.

"I hate you.. I hate you so much, I hate you... You lied to me... You cheated on me.. I hate you.. I hate you..." were all the words that I could say.

"Please.. Please stop saying that.."'

"No! I gave you everything! EVERYTHING! I became faithful to you! I trusted you!! I even hated my parents because of what they think of you! But they were right!"

"No, stop.. It wasn't.. I didn't want this to happen."

"But it did! WHY? Was I not good enough for you? You said you love me! How could you do this to me?"

We're both crying now, so hard. And I'm still hitting his chest.

"It will always be you. And I'm sorry for making you cry like this. I'm sorry for making you feel hurt. Please. What do I have to do? Give me another chance, I promise I will make things better. Please don't leave me."

Myungsoo is already shaking. It surprised me when he fell onto the floor, and went down on his knees while hugging my waist.

"I need you, so much, please.." he said, still crying.

My shirt is already wet from his tears.

I'm trying to push him away and pry his hands but he just won't let go.

"I can't let you hurt me like this again.." I said.

"I won't! I promise I--"

"No! You don't understand. I don't want this anymore."

"No please! Please! I love you! I'll make it up to you!"

"It's not that easy! How could I ever trust you again! You've cheated on me!"

"THEN MARRY ME!"

That shut me up.

"W-What? No! That's ridiculous!"

"I'm being serious here. Marry me. Marry me and I promise I'll make everything up to you."

"What are you even talking about-- I just can't--"

"Do you still love me?"

For a moment there, I wasn't able to talk. Of course I still love him. It's not that easy to move on! But I'm so heart broken because of him and I'm still mad at him.

"DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?" His voice is even louder now. "DO YOU?"

"I still do, okay? But that doesn't mean that--"

He got up from his knees, grabbed my face and crushed his lips to mine. His lips felt so soft in my lips that I'm reminded how much I missed him.

I was hesitant at first, but that didn't stop me from kissing him back. It's as if it's my first time to be kissed, that I forgot how it was to breathe. And before I knew it, he pulled away.

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Spare Keys

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