Dreaming of Nothing

"Dreaming or awake, we perceive only events that have meaning to us. "
-Jane Roberts
 

 

Junhyung groaned when his senses came back to him. He had his head rested on the counter, his hand holding a glass of a soju. He was at a unnamed bar, drowning his sorrows, hoping that drinking alcohol would at least make him forget his sins.The bar had some sappy, ugly tunes on, the lighting was dark and reddish, and people were drinking solemnly. He just stumbled on this place awhile ago, not caring whatever this bar is. He needed to drink, for it was his only escape from reality.
 

He raised his head and slouched, looking at the counter where he had his phone and glass placed. He lifted the glass and drank the alcohol forcefully, making his throat burn. The man accepted the pain fully, for it was his own way of punishing his self. Finishing it, he put down the glass, creating a soft 'thud', as he used his other hand to wipe the drippings from his mouth as he drank a moment ago. He used his sleeve when he did so.

 

"Yoseob..." He mumbled, as he grabbed the bottle of soju again and filled his glass up. He d his phone blindly, not bothering to look at the counter and brought it close to him. He opened his phone, and began to feel remorseful. The wallpaper on his phone was Hyunseung, and his name didn't matter to Junhyung anymore. At first it did, when he loved Hyunseung blindly, not even noticing that there was someone all along who loves him the same way he loves Hyunseung. Maybe it was even more. He removed the wallpaper, and Yoseob's picture was replaced. But then Junhyung removed it again, thinking that he had no right, that's why his phone's wallpaper was now empty. 

 

Junhyung reluctantly dialed Yoseob's number, waiting and hoping that Yoseob would answer it. It had been a week since he had last seen, contacted, talked to Yoseob, and yet it seemed like an eternity to him. He felt another weight on his heart as he figured out why. Junhyung placed his phone against his ear, hearing the usual sound that made him hope every day that the one he loves would answer the phone.

 

"The number you've dialed cannot be reach, it is either off or rejected."

 

Junhyung sighed heavily while ending the call and placing it at the counter again. He grabbed the filled glass and gulped it down, the painful burn on his throat increasing as the liquid flowed. His vision was becoming blurry. He stood up, tipsy, and placed his money on the counter. Junhyung was officially drunk. He grabbed his phone, his keys, and went out of the bar. The man immediately felt the coldness in the air, so he hugged his black biker jacket tightly. He went his way to his car, despite wobbling along the way. He wasn't exactly drunk drunk, he can still think and move after all. 

 

He opened his car, and pushed himself inside. Junhyung shifted, trying to find the spot where he would feel comfortable, maybe his body would, but his heart would never. He rested his head and closed his eyes again, the memories that pained him rushed inside him almost immediately. He felt himself being judged by his past actions, his heart at the edge of breaking. Or was it broken already? No one knows yet, not even himself.

 

Junhyung loved Hyunseung, blindly at that. He knew Hyunseung had Kikwang, but still loved him nonetheless. Junhyung didn't know that what he felt was only an attraction, dismissing it that it was love. He thought that Hyunseung was beautiful, when he danced his body sways gracefully, and his voice rang sweetly in his ear. Junhyung always praised Hyunseung for what he did, every songs, every dances, every shows and everything. He spent his time with Hyunseung. He never found anything so beautiful, till he began to notice Yoseob.

 

Yoseob was always there for Junhyung, spending time with him when Hyunseung can't, or won't because he's with Kikwang. He started noticing Yoseob when he woke up every night, when Yoseob slips off his bunk and gets out of the dorm. Junhyung didn't mind it at first, but it became constantly every night, that he became curious. So he followed Yoseob one night, only to find him practicing several dances. It wasn't pure talent that Yoseob was called the "dance copier" in Oh! My School; truly he was a fast learner but he had to have some practice beforehand. When Junhyung saw Yoseob dance, his mind that occupied Hyunseung was forgotten in an instant. It wasn't exactly like Hyunseung's dance, but it was enough, to convey Yoseob's emotions through his dance. This touch Junhyung's heart, slightly. Then he began to follow Yoseob secretly every night.

 

Junhyung wondered why Yoseob was working hard in his dancing. He was getting worried after all. Yoseob always sneaked out at night, so the following days he'll be tired and weary, sometimes fainting in exhaustion. Junhyung even saw that he fell when he was practicing, he wanted to help, but it was Yoseob's choice to dance alone, and to practice alone. He felt that it would ruin Yoseob because this was a secret between him and the Beast members; and it was now Junhyung's and Yoseob's secret from Beast members. Yoseob's body began to ache, he began to faint almost immediately, and it worried Junhyung badly. He knew he had to stop Yoseob from hurting his self, at this point it'll be like digging his own grave. 

 

So despite the admiration to Yoseob's dancing, Junhyung told Yoseob not to dance anymore, also aware of the fact that it'll hurt Yoseob. He felt a pain in his heart when he saw Yoseob's face, clearly hurt because of him. There was silence after that, then Yoseob agreed, although Junhyung noticed that he was trembling. He felt sorry, but the way things are going it'll destroy Yoseob, and he didn't want that. The days went by and Yoseob didn't sneak out, he stayed in the bed, maybe sleeping, and it was a relief to Junhyung. Until--

Yoseob began to make a lot of mistakes when they practice their dance. He earned a lot of scolding from the Beast members, but not Junhyung. Junhyung began to feel guilty, and it broke his heart to see Yoseob at one corner, sitting and staring at them as they dance. The instructor told him to rest after all. Yoseob never looked sad like that in Junhyung's eyes. It added to Junhyung's list of faults, or sins he calls it.
 

He began to worry about Yoseob, thinking if he was okay with not dancing anymore. But his worries were melted, when he heard Yoseob mellifluous singing. It touched him deeply, his heart began to beat rapidly. It was so powerful, that it brought his eyes to water. The emotions that Yoseob conveyed to every song that he sang, left him awe-struck. So Junhyung praised him, a praise that came from his heart. He felt a bit awkward though. But still, he thought that he loved Hyunseung, so he went and praised him too. He didn't notice that his mind was beginning to be filled up of Yoseob.

 

Yoseob then began joining some shows, Immortal Song 2, the most recent one. Junhyung was glad for Yoseob, and cheered him softly. He finally found something that won't hurt his body, and won't enable Junhyung to hurt Yoseob. But Yoseob began his past routine at night, only this time singing. Junhyung hoped that this won't harm him, until Yoseob was hospitalized because of his vocal chords. 

 

Their manager said that someone needed to tell Yoseob to rest from singing, and he volunteered for that. For some reason, he felt that Yoseob was his responsibility. He began to be protected of him, and Junhyung didn't know why. He just knew that he didn't want Yoseob to be in pain, only to find his thinking was in reverse. He was hurting Yoseob unconsciously, and now, saying to Yoseob not to sing anymore, was the big blow to Yoseob.

 

Yoseob cried his heart out, clutching Junhyung's shirt and asking why. He looked so pitiful, and Yoseob never knew how it broke Junhyung's heart. It cracked, seeing Yoseob in that state. Still, Junhyung can't find the words to say. Should he comfort him? Should he say the truth? It seemed like Yoseob didn't know that he was hurting his self. Junhyung stood there, watching Yoseob cry.

 

Junhyung was in the state of guilt, worry when Yoseob began to shut his self inside the room. He didn't eat or drink. Yoseob rejected every food that was offered to him by the members of Beast. He didn't bother to come down from his bunk. It was like he was stuck there, afraid to to take a step. Junhyung, feeling guilty as he is, took Yoseob's hand and pulled him to the real world. He started spending his time with Yoseob; everyday was Yoseob, there was no Hyunseung that entered in his mind. It was hard at first, cheering up Yoseob and getting him back on track took patience. But it was never a burden, for Junhyung felt close to Yoseob. He found his heart beating fast everytime Yoseob flashes him a smile, a laughter, everytime Yoseob hugs him, and everything about Yoseob. He felt a little scared, for Yoseob was slowly easing his way up to his heart, where it was originally for Hyunseung.

 

Hyunseung finally entered his mind when they came home from a wonderful dinner. He enjoyed that dinner with Yoseob so well, that he found his self blushing everytime that Yoseob looks at him. Both of them witnessed a fight between Kikwang and Hyunseung. Junhyung's feelings for Hyunseung overwhelmed his feelings for Yoseob, slightly. But Junhyung didn't know that he had feelings for Yoseob back then. He had this small awareness, but ignored it. Hyunseung then ran, crying, and Kikwang went after him. Junhyung was about to, but Yoseob stopped him, by pulling his arm.

 

"Don't go!" Yoseob cried out, surprising Junhyung. Junhyung's face showed confusion, as he tugged his arm. "Yoseob, let go. Hyungse---"

 

"I love you!"

 

Then there was silence in the room, the open door yielded the cold air but was unnoticed by the two. Junhyung tried to register Yoseob's words. He didn't know what to say. Deep inside, he knew he loved Yoseob back, but he thought his heart was only meant for Hyunseung. He was afraid. His self-defense acted up, or maybe it was just an excuse. He was confused. He wanted to say to Yoseob to give him time, but it became an ex post facto after he said that he can't because Yoseob's not Hyunseung. He regretted saying those words, up until now. Those words ended their possibility to be together, and it became Junhyung's punishment. 

He ran away, not wanting to see Yoseob's face. He pictured it unconsciously, for it was far too many times since he have seen that hurt face. As he ran, he thought of Yoseob's confession. He found himself inclining and accepting the truth, that all this time he love Yoseob. Loving Hyunseung was an illusion, reasoning Hyunseung to Yoseob was just an excuse. He regretted what he had done. He suddenly stopped, and was about to turn back, when Hyunseung called his name. 

 

Hyunseung was there, staring at him. He then suddenly offered himself to Junhyung openly, shocking Junhyung. It sounded so wrong, felt so wrong. How many times did he wish for this to happen? But Junhyung finally decided, it was Yoseob who he loves, not Hyunseung. It turns out that he was only fumbling his way to Yoseob. He said this to Hyunseung, and Kikwang came coincidentally. Junhyung said that Kikwang was the one who loves Hyunseung. But then it turn into an endless silly fight between Kikwang and Hyunseung, Junhyung staying there to make them up, even though he really wanted to go to Yoseob and apologize, also correct his mistake. But when he came back, Doojoon and Dongwoon was at the entrance of the bedroom, saying that nobody can't meet or see Yoseob until tomorrow. Junhyung knew he broke Yoseob's heart, and was guilty for it, so he protested. But Doojoon held the door, not bulging one bit. So Junhyung had no choice but to wait until tomorrow. He reluctantly went away, his heart guilty, and aching for forgiveness. He slept uncomfortably. 

 

When tomorrow came, Yoseob was nowhere to be found. Junhyung searched the entire building for him, asking everyone where he was. Junhyung never felt so scared and vulnerable. He asked their manager, but didn't answer. Junhyung was getting angry. Then he saw Doojoon, and asked him where Yoseob was. The leader said that Yoseob would be away for a week, away from them. Nobody knows why and where, except Dongwoon, and the other is Doojoon; but they won't tell that to Junhyung. 

 

That's why here he was, on his car. Waiting for Yoseob to come home. He had spent the week drinking, regretting everything he had done. He finally realized why Yoseob was pushing himself in dancing, singing and everything. All for the reason for Junhyung to notice him; Junhyung did notice him, but it was Junhyung's fault that he didn't give any sign of noticing him. Not even a praise during his dancing, just one in his singing. He knew if he was Yoseob it would never be enough. The list of his sins kept piling, and Junhyung sank deeper in depression. Deep inside, he hoped that Yoseob would take him back, but his mind tells him it ain't gonna happen.

 

Tomorrow came, and Yoseob was finally back. He was welcomed by all. He was smiling, laughing happily. Junhyung was glad, but was anxious. He wanted to say to Yoseob that he loves him, but Yoseob said that he didn't want to talk anymore. Junhyung formed only one conclusion, Yoseob had finally moved on, from the painful love that he experienced from Junhyung. Junhyung's world crumbled before his very eyes. His heart finally broke.

 

 Junhyung began to indulge his self in alcohol more than ever before. He spent the days drinking, just to forget Yoseob. But he knew it was never enough. He wondered if he was better off dead, better off quitting Beast just to move on. He hadn't seen Yoseob eversince that day; Beast members worry about him, asking if he was okay.

"I'm not okay."

Everything inside Junhyung was a turmoil, a mix of emotions. Love, regret, pain, anguish, and lots more. He wondered how love can make him feel a lot of things, that it was all turning ed-up to him. Not seeing Yoseob was his mistake, and rejecting him more was his biggest.

Junhyung was accompanied  by Heechul and Hongki that night. He was advised that maybe drinking would make him forget, but he knew better. There was no way he could. Yoseob finally became his life, and he destroyed it with those simple words; "You're not Hyunseung."

Drunk, they got off the bar, wobbling and tipsy, as they walked down the street. Junhyung remembered Yoseob, and suddenly cracked. He loved Yoseob so much. So he began shouting his name all over the town, not caring if it disturbs anybody. Heechul and Hongki tried to calm him down, but he didn't stop. They said Yoseob was over him, and he retorted that if he went to Yoseob right now, he can change his mind.

 
Junhyung knew that he was drunk, but he just had to tell Yoseob his feelings. Maybe if Yoseob sees how he's hurting maybe he'll take him back. Leaning against a wall, he dialed his number, and called Yoseob. Yoseob answered, but didn't say anything.

"I don't..hic.. love Hyunseung... You're better..sob.. than him..The way you dance.. the way.. you sing... everything! sob. Y-yoseob, you're.. than one I l-love."

Junhyung finally confessed, and waited for Yoseob to answer him. He wanted words, but there was nothing. Junhyung's sholuders were slump, as he began to despair. He ended the call. Everything was over, because there's no way that Yoseob would take him back.

 His eyes showed no emotion, he was now walking dead.Heechul and Hongki walked in front of him, oblivious to his conflict. When they passed the bridge, Junhyung stayed in the middle, looking at the water beneath the bridge.

"Yoseob."

He climbed the ledge, and stood shakily. He breathed for one last time, allowing the cold air to enter his lungs. Then he jumped, his body crashing to the water. Heechul and Hongki reacted late. Perhaps the reason why Junhyung jumped, was because in the waters, he longed for Yoseob. He thought that if he drowned, Yoseob would save him; because he always did. Or maybe he jumped because he saw Yoseob in the waters; whatever it is he didn't know anymore. 

The coldness of the water pierced him, soaking him wet. On the corner of his eye he saw Yoseob, smiling at him. He swam towards him, and felt the surreal image of the one he loves. He smiled lovingly. He never felt so happy. Junhyung hugged Yoseob, and was about to kiss him, when he was pulled by hands. He reached for Yoseob, but he was pulled out quickly.

He coughed, the water entered his nose and throat, it burned. They lied him on the ground, asking what in the world was wrong with him. Was he trying to kill his self? Maybe he was, but he was already dead when Yoseob didn't answer him. He stared at the sky, his hand reaching. "Yo..seob."

"I..love.. you."

Then he sobbed, cried his heart out. It was over.There was no second chance, everything. He blew everything up. Junhyung thought that this was no nightmare, this was hell. He was living, yet he was dead. No one's gonna wait for him anymore. No one's gonna love him the way Yoseob loved him. And he can no longer love somebody the way he loved Yoseob now.

"Don't .. leave me ..here."

In this world, everything is one-sided. There's no equal love between two people; there's no equal kindness, etc; because nobody can give the same amount of feeling to another person the way it was given to them. In relationships, when one moves on, one is always left. The latter is left to move on, alone, sometimes wishing that the former would go back. But the latter has to step forward, embrace and live the world without the other.